Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

New book by fellow graduate of my coach's program!

Bridget is a friend and a fellow graduate of Matt Beucler's coaching program. She not only recovered, but she's gone on to create an amazing new life for herself: a new book, a new business, a new life (and new boyfriend, by the way! Congratulations, Bridget!).

This is the link to her book: Fed Up Girl. I haven't read it yet - maybe she'll send me a freebie ;-) !

New blog written by the sister of a bulimic . . .

I am very pleased to introduce you all to a new blog that I hope will be very enlightening for us and a place of support and sharing for our families: My Sister Has Bulimia.

The author, a woman I am looking forward to getting to know much better, writes:

Part of the reason I started this blog was to just get my emotions out. I think it can pretty easy to throw them back aggressively and hurtfully when you're being pelleted with them. That's what I used to do earlier on with my sister's e.d, and obviously it got us no where. I really just want to provide a "place" where family members (especially siblings) can go and discuss, empathize, provide support for each other and know that they're not alone. I want the readers to know that the feelings of frustration, helplessness and confusion are valid but that it doesn't have to be a negative experience or process. In fact, in my experience, it's taught me about myself, and I've become increasingly aware of my actions, my words and my general philosophy of life.

I'm actually really looking forward to reading her perspective. I hope she writes a lot!

How to "get through day 1" of recovery

I get SOO many emails asking me how to just.get.through the first day in recovery. Bulimia is a symptom - arguably the most obvious and most distressing symptom, but it's still just a symptom of what I believe is at the root of it all: negative, fearful, all-or-nothing, and judgmental thinking, interpretation of the world around you, and your choice of reaction.

Trying to control the symptom won't cure you of your problem.

Recovery is about learning how to THINK and SEE THE WORLD in a hopeful, optimistic, and creative way where you can easily identify many alternatives for interpretation and response. You have to learn how to do this, and then you have to be hyper-aware of your thoughts and work with them 24/7.

Recovery is NOT about not binging or purging. So, on your first day you might do it 3 times! Recovery is working on your thinking, and as you get good at that, the bulimia (along with MANY or ALL of your other symptoms) will begin to just fade away. You shouldn't even THINK about not binging/purging, because I promise you that will cause you to run screaming to the kitchen every time. And, you know this.

On your first day (and every day) of "recovery," this is what you need to focus on accomplishing:

1. Being hyper aware of when you are thinking or interpreting in a negative, fearful or judgmental way (or when your thoughts get manic because you can't decide what to think, how to interpret, or how to react). You may even do this persistently . . . I sure did.
2. Gently say to yourself something like this, "AHH, this is why bulimia is so appealing to me - it stops these awful maddening thoughts at least for a little while. I have to learn how to think in a positive, optimistic, hopeful way, and I won't ever even have the urge to turn to food for comfort. I won't need comforting."
3. Understand that you have 4 main points where you can turn this thing around before bulimia becomes your immediate requirement:
   • Choosing a positive, optimistic interpretation of what's going on or what's being said,
   • Identifying what you want & what is best for you in the situation,
   • Identifying your MANY options for response (or non-response, which is sometimes the very best option),
   • Responding in a way that will make you feel good about yourself later.

4. Slowly, gently separate yourself from your thoughts and think about your first automatic reaction. Are you just automatically assuming the very worst? Are you worrying about what others will think instead of what's best for your wellbeing? Are you stuck in all or nothing world where there is only one option? Are you arguing with yourself about what to do? Are you just assuming that you're going to make a mess of things? Are you too scared to deal with the situation?
5. Work on your thinking:
   • Think about at least 2 more positive or optimistic ways to interpret the situation (this is the most important skill),
   • Identify & visualize getting a good resolution for yourself out of the situation,
   • Identify at least 2 positive or optimistic alternatives for response,
   • Chose and follow through on a response that is in line with your core values so you can feel good about yourself later.
   
   

   **Actually, another important addition to this list is to practice GRATITUDE. I recommend you forcibly take a moment in the middle of any mental chaos to just say thank you for something. Pick one blessing (even if it is just the simple but most important blessing of your health) and just say thanks to the universe. Really feel how lucky you are - for just a moment. And, then get back to the situation at hand.**

If you can spend your "day 1" even just doing steps 1 & 2 above (and practicing gratitude!) consistently in a hyper aware & conscious way, that's a GREAT first day! Maybe the next day you can work through all the steps, particularly thinking about at least 2 more positive or optimistic ways to interpret every situation.

You won't stop the purging until you can stop yourself from allowing your thoughts to turn into ugly negative chaos. The problem is in your head. You fix your thoughts, and the bulimia will slowly fade away.

I got a wonderful note from a very good old friend of this blog. She said I could share her words with you. She wrote:

Good Morning Michelle,
Happy new year to you! I wanted to say hi and to tell you your approach  has really changed my life... after reading your guide and As A Man Thinketh, I realized how much our thoughts control our lives... Now, every morning I get rid of my guilt and my fear and think positively all day long and this has literally changed my life... I am soo happy now.. Thank you so much for being there for so many of us, your work is truly admirable. Needless to say, my MIA symptoms have decreased dramatically but I do know I still have some work to do.
 
Feel free to post my message in the blog if  you think it will give other people hope.

As A Man Thinketh is available as a free download from the blog on the right hand panel. GET IT! READ IT!

Happy New Year, everyone!

Yay, we're through December! Phew. I've never been a big fan of this time of year (except of course for the time off work), so I admit that I'm very happy to be done with it once again. I hope you were able to enjoy it more!

Great quote

Life isn't about finding yourself.

Life is about creating yourself.

George Bernard Shaw

 

You have to figure out what kind of person you really, in your heart, want to be. Then, you have to find ways to practice being that person every day. As you practice, you become.

Since I realized that I was going off the track of who I want to be, I've been practicing and holding myself accountable to practicing the traits I most admire. And, I'm back on track! I'm calmer, I'm more at peace, I'm more trustful and kind to myself and everyone else. I just like myself and my life a hell of a lot more.

I'm trying to find some time to get you updated! It's hard: Todd is away on a surf trip, so I've had to juggle everything on my own. But, let this be a brief summary: I recommitted, and it's working.

My Traits List: Exercise #1 for Changing Your Life

I'm down in La Jolla for Todd's nephew's birthday. He's out surfing; I'm taking a quiet moment to write this before the kids come down and jump on me.

I wanted to publish my first attempt at a trait's list in a couple of years. My first one is published at this post: Exercise#1: Identify your Core Values.;I called it the Core Values list back then. It's really just a list of all the traits, habits, characteristics, etc. that you most admire in people. It's a free form kind of a thing: just start writing. It's not going to be exhaustive - you can come back and add things if you remember something later that's important to you, and yet it will never be able to include EVERYTHING that you find important in life. It's the most meaningful things to you at the particular time you work up the list. For example, I didn't include HUMILITY in my first list. But, it's #3 on this new list. Usually, for me at least, the list includes things I DON'T see in myself. I focus on the things that I WANT, but don't currently have. To be really fair to ourselves, we should be doing the other exercises that I've posted in that blog Category: **Exercises for Recovery**since other exercises ensure that we become aware of and celebrate the wonderful traits we already have.

Check that old post for better instructions.

The next step, that you can begin working on now, is taking that list and putting SPIRITUALLY POSITIVE action items around them. The goal, as I first discussed here: Exercise #2: Your Daily Checklist, is to hold yourself accountable for practicing the characteristics you most admire. In time, you begin to embody the characteristics, and you become the whole person you most want to be and admire. One very important key is to spin the action items so they are positive. This can be hard since, at least for me as you'll soon see, my list is focused on avoiding the negative - since that's what is bothering me right now. The empowering and spiritually strengthening approach is to be embracing and reaching for the good, positive, optimistic choices. A more disempowering approach is to be focusing on avoiding and stopping the negative choices you tend to make.

If you're focused on avoiding the negative, your awareness and subconscious;are always on the look-out for the negative, and soon you'll be overwhelmed with all the negative you see everywhere.

If you're focused on finding, embracing, and creating the positive, your awareness and subconscious are always on the look-out for the positive, and soon you'll be bathing in the positive. The negative stuff gets shut out.

For example, one of my original action items (before Alyson gently corrected me) was to identify one time per day when I was feeling judgmental of people. Then, I had to let it go and allow them to be as they are.

But, that forces my subconscious to look for and focus on people who might not be exhibiting the traits that I admire in other people. I'm encouraging my mind to target all the poor choices that people make every day, just so that I can "allow" them. Soon, I'll be surrounded by people making poor choices!

After a pretty long discussion with Alyson, we came up with a much more spiritually positive action item to take care of judgment and a few other items on our lists:

*Everyday, find, appreciate, and send thanks and love to one stranger who does something nice for someone else and/or the community.*

Now, my awareness is focused on looking for the beautiful things people do for each other every day. I'm actively looking for it, so I know I'm going to find it. Soon, my subconscious will be trained to focus just on the good stuff. The bad stuff fades into the background - it becomes noise. If a poor choice someone else makes is thrust into my conscious (for example if someone cuts me off on the road), I will work to make the right choice of allowing them to do what they do with no judgment from me. But, I won't create a daily action item for that. Daily action items should be only positive and optimistic.

This is WHY it is said that what you focus on will manifest in your life. If you focus on joy, you will have more. If you focus on why you feel like a victim, you will find yourself being a victim more often. It's not that you're REALLY creating more joy or victimization, it's that you're actively looking for it and what you seek, so shall you find. What you're not seeking just fades into the background as noise that doesn't get your attention.

I'm leaving my list as is, even though it's full of the desire to avoid the negative and not necessarily embrace the positive. It's a demonstration of what I'm struggling with right now. But, the Daily Checklist of action items, the next step, HAS to be positive since that is what we'll be focusing on every day. I'll be posting the Daily Checklist in a week or so. SO, you've got time to come up with your own Traits list!

Michelle’s Traits

9/2/08

 

Calm

Patient

Humility

Doesn’t expect to have it easier or better than anyone else

compassionate

spreads kindness

outwardly loving with those I love

generous

open/vulnerable

courageous

forgiving of self and others

honest

grateful/appreciative

spontaneous

creative – in problem solving and creating joy

loyal

focuses on the good in others

accepting/allowing of others and their choices/imperfections

unaffected by the choices of others

non-judgmental

Optimistic: sees the upside in everything; confident that it will all work out just fine

makes decisions easily based on her heart – not her head, not society

no regret – except for taking time to learn the lessons from non-optimal decisions and then moving on

no guilt

focuses on goals, dreams, future – not the past

HAVE dreams, goals that I work toward every day – these guide a lot of my decisions

always learning, trying new things, growing

uses tools to handle uncertainty, discomfort – doesn’t turn to numbing with food, alcohol, withdrawal, etc.

not jealous – is able to be happy for others, takes action to improve my life/opportunities if someone has or experiences something I want

lives consciously and with perpetual awareness– no more automatic responses, no more floating,

actively chooses empowering interpretations, thoughts, actions

when lacking hard data, chooses interpretations that serve me and my spiritual goals well

hyper aware of when my ego, fears, and expectations are affecting my interpretations, my thoughts, my actions

anxiety held at reasonable levels –use tools to deflate if and when it grows beyond acceptable limit

no expectations – hopes are ok, expectations usually lead to disappointment, resentment, etc.

self-confident, self-secure that she can handle whatever comes along

can pick myself up quickly when things don’t go as I had hoped (not expected)

smiling, laughing a lot

seeks out joy

seeks out good new people

loving to my body: eat well, drink lots of water, exercise regularly

respected and needed in my job

 

My confessional and recommitment . . .

No, I haven't relapsed to bulimia. But, I've realized that I'm completely spiritually out of whack, and I've been letting it just fester and get worse for up to a year now. I'm ruining my health and my relationships and wasting my beautiful life wallowing in terrible thoughts and emotions.

As you know, I basically disappeared from the blog quite a while ago. I thought I had basically said all there was to say on the matter of recovery (maybe I did), and I had become "very busy" with work and my life in general. It occurred to me recently after a couple big fights with Todd that I'm in big trouble here, and I have to get my head straight again - quickly. I'm impatient; I'm judgmental; I'm angry; I'm resentful; I'm depressed; I'm feeling hopeless; I'm JEALOUS. An annoying commute home could send me into an angry pouty mood for the rest of the evening. I started saying again regularly, and meaning it with all my heart, "I hate people."

Once it's started, it's so very easy to just keep on with living life through a fog of upset and negativity. It's a downward spiral that perhaps begins slowly, but if you don't catch it and actively make a commitment to fight it, it takes on speed and momentum.

I got caught in it, my friends, and I allowed it to happen.

I'm not proud of myself. I'm feeling incredibly humbled and embarrassed by all the choices I've made in the last year that have led to this point. But, there's one good thing to say about that nasty downward spiral: eventually (if you're lucky), you hit bottom. Things get so awful and so desperate that you finally are forced to pick yourself up and figure out a way to improve your situation. My bottom was realizing that no matter how hard I've tried NOT to take it all out on Todd, I can't seem to stop myself. My bottom was realizing that 1) I'm completely out of control of my choices again, and 2) I'm hurting and driving away the one person that means the most to me of anyone on this earth.

It started a year ago when there were big changes underway at my old job of 5 years. My easy, comfortable, relatively mindless job got shaken up and basically ended. Rather than go with the flow, I fought it and railed against it and got very, very resentful. Then, when I finally moved on to a new job, I found that I really missed my old easy job and lifestyle. I'm working harder and longer than every. I became very JEALOUS of everyone who doesn't have to work so hard. I highlight the word JEALOUS because, right now anyway, I think that was the dis-empowering choice that started all this.

My jealousy lead to resentment. Resentment led to anger and even to hate. Once you allow yourself to enter hate mode, you, my friend are going down. Way down. And, boy, sometimes hate feels really, really good. You think it's empowering you - strengthening you. But, it really just brings you to your knees. And, the people around you sense it and go running for the hills. And, that feeds your hate. Oh boy, everyone, I hate admitting this to the world. But, I have to. Humility is what I feel is my first step back to recovery.

I have a process that works. It's all documented here in this blog. Hell, I WROTE the blog. But, I chose to turn away from it. I thought I didn't need it anymore. Let this be a lesson to you as well: living a spiritually healthy, beautiful, fulfilling life takes commitment for people like you and me who didn't TRAIN in living this way since we were young. When things get challenging and busy for us is the time we need to work this stuff even harder.

I'm not saying that you need to fear relapse to bulimia all your life. Bulimia is a symptom, a coping mechanism for all the bad interpretations and choices you make. If you draw a line in the sand at the time you realize you've let yourself get spiritually out of whack again, you've still got plenty of time to get yourself straight before the bulimia starts becoming appealing again. But, you've got to commit to doing the work to get your head straight again.

What I am going to do is simply start working the daily exercises again. And, this time I have a very good friend who is going to do it with me. Hi Alyson. She's not bulimic. She simply wants to make big changes in her life and herself, and she "gets" that this process really works.

Last week, we created our first draft (it will change all the time) list of all the traits and characteristics we most admire in other people. The traits we wish we had. This week, we're working that list into an actionable Daily Checklist that holds us accountable for PRACTICING those traits every day. Every night, we will reflect on what we've successfully practiced and what we need to focus on practicing tomorrow. We will also do a nightly Success Journal, where we list the things we're most of proud of ourselves for that day, the things we're most thankful for that day, and what our challenges were.

As we practice and focus and reflect (practice being the most important), we slowly BECOME.

I could link back to where I did these exercises the first time around (everything is in the **Exercises for Recovery**  section), but I choose not to. I'm doing it from scratch. It will all reflect where I am today and where I want to go from here.

Why don't you commit to doing it with us? I envision it will take about 2 months of hard core, 6 days per week commitment. After that, we'll scale back to weekly. But, I won't turn away from this again. I've proved to myself that I live my best, most fulfilling and happy life when I continue to practice and reflect on a daily basis on being the person I most want to be.

Now is the time. Let's get it done. Do it with me.

DENTAL PROBLEMS

Ugh. I’m having dental problems. My problems aren't "necessarily" from my 14 years of bulimia, but they are definitely from a side-effect of not being great at dealing with stress, even after my recovery - I grind my teeth. And, apparently, I've been grinding like never before since I began my new stressful job in March. It’s true that my new job really stresses me out and even put me into a bit of a depression for about 2.5 months (thankfully, it's been getting much better – that will be a separate post). I was consumed with a fear of failure. The job is tough and demanding, but those things are manageable IF YOU AREN’T CONSUMED WITH SELF-DOUBT.

Let's talk about my teeth. I went to the dentist in March before I left my old job since I didn't know how the insurance would be with the new one. She didn't see anything unusual and just gave me a cleaning. By late April, my teeth started hurting. My whole left side of my mouth hurt. I tried ignoring it, but of course it just got worse. I couldn't eat or drink anything cold. I couldn't eat anything sweet & sticky - I got some candy stuck in there once and I about hit the ceiling from the pain.

I finally went back to the dentist (my new insurance covers my old dentist, thankfully) in June. She found that my grinding had "dug up" 2 old fillings that would have to be replaced. And, I have one new cavity. She also gave me some more scary news - I may have cracked a tooth, which definitely means getting a crown and probably a root canal. UGH!! For now, I got 2 fillings done and will get the 3rd done at the end of the month. She filled the potentially cracked tooth, at my insistence, hoping that that would take care of the problem and that her guess at it being cracked is wrong. But, alas, 2 weeks after getting it filled, it still hurts as much as it did before she "fixed" it. I'm going to have to get up some courage and get the root canal and the crown.

Who knows how much worse this is because of the damage I did to my teeth during 14 years of bulimia. The one thing we know for sure is that my lingering inability to deal well with stress and my propensity to let challenge and discomfort with new, unknown circumstances develop into an overwhelming fear of failure have caused me to do more harm to my body. It's frustrating . . .

I have grown enough to recover from bulimia, but I'm still not as spiritually strong, courageous, optimistic, and unattached from my circumstances as I want to be. I need to get some of my old tools and books back out. In June, just before I finally made that first dentist appt, I actually reread "Self-Esteem Tools for Recovery" by my friend, Lindsey Hall of Gurze.com, and it helped immensely. This book isn't just for bulimics, it's for anyone struggling with a bad habit (such as my bad habit to focus on the potential for failure over all else when things get challenging). It actually was the turning point between being my depressed about my job and my starting to embrace it because of all the wonderful things it brings to my life.

To look on the positive side (which I’ll get into more in another post), I’m happy that 1) I’m finally challenging myself to grow in my career and really feel proud of myself and excited about watching myself accomplish meaningful things. And, 2) my new challenging circumstances are forcing me to continue to stretch myself and grow spiritually. Every tough time in our lives is a beautiful opportunity to grow stronger and better if we choose to work on it.

have more to say about how I got out of my funk with the new job, but I want this post to focus a bit more on teeth. I have to thank the anonymous poster who wrote this comment just today over on my post, "Dental problems from bulimia:"

I need to get veneers because of the damage i have caused during 20 years of bulimia. Is there anything else i can do to protect my veneers? Of course i am trying to recover but don't hold out much hope. Can any bulimics tell me how their veneers are lasting and if they are having any problems.

This poster’s amazing timing made me finally get this post written. We would BOTH love input from anyone out there who had to go through major dental work, particularly vaneers, during or after bulimia. Please share your experiences and how your dental work is holding up. I’m going to have to get a “night guard” to stop me from grinding while I’m asleep – anyone out there have one of these?

"How did you cope with your bulimia?"

Ashley asked me a good question tonight:

I was just wondering what ways you found helpful in coping with your bulimia.  I'm really struggling now and could use any help!

I wrote:

Hi Ashley.

Before I was really "ready" to start the recovery process by working with my coach, it was helpful spiritually to at least stop judging myself as such a disgusting disaster and accept that just because I had an unhealthy coping mechanism, it didn't mean I was a complete failure in life or that I wouldn't be able to still accomplish some amazing, wonderful things in my life. I chose to do as much as I could and live life as much as I could, even with my limiting "condition." That helped a lot. That attitude kept me from sinking into a paralyzing depressing and hopelessness. I went back to school, I kept decent jobs, I ate as well as I could, I took care of myself as well as I could. I seized opportunities for adventure and friendship and love to the extent that I could. When I couldn't, I was sad, but I would forgive myself and keep getting up and trying again.

However, I wish someone would have told me back then what I’m always writing in my blog: you’re never going to get better with your current life skill set and knowledge. Your ways of interpreting, thinking and reacting are what got you in this mess. Maybe it will take years, but you need to get started today on learning and trying out alternatives. Take baby steps. Get your butt to the library and start reading some good spiritual (I don’t mean religious) stuff. You need a textbook for life – get out and start looking for it. Start with the book list on the right side of my blog. Talk about what you’re reading and trying out – share it with others. Blog about it!

I hope you're doing as well as you can and trying to forgive yourself for not being perfect.

With love,

Michelle

Just a couple of pics from Costa Rica . . .

Hi all. I'm so sorry I've been missing. I've had a few things to contend with:

1. My new job is demanding and tiring,
2. Todd's little catering business has suddenly really taken off! I've been helping when I can (he has to pay me now, though!),
3. I've been trying to volunteer at one of the LA county animal shelters one day every weekend.

I thought I would post just a couple pics from our Costa Rica trip last month to prove to you that I'm still alive.

Here we are doing a zip line for the first time. Yes, we are SUPER sweaty (yuck), but look at that view!

This is at an AMAZING restaurant, Hicaco, for Todd's Bday.

Off to Costa Rica for Todd's Bday!

Hi all. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. The new job has required a bit of a change in lifestyle. I'm working more, and I have no privacy at the office, so I just haven't found any time or focus to write. But, things are pretty good. I'll do my best to write again when I get back. Todd & I are taking off tonight (2 am flight - yikes!) for a week in Costa Rica. We're staying in Jaco. We plan to surf and eat and drink and hike and read and snooze. I am SO ready! Tonight we're making dinner for our old roomate and his girlfriend who have very generously offered to dog sit for us. Our roommate also invited a couple friends to dinner, so now we've got a bit of an unexpected party going on.

I just wanted to warn you that if you buy a bracelet or write to me, I won't be able to respond to either until we get back next Sunday, 5/18.

I hope you all are doing well.

Bracelets are IN!

Finally! You can check them out and purchase them here.

The PayPal buttom includes shipping info for the US only, so if you live outside the US, please email me your order, and I can invoice you directly.

Skiing, insecurity, and my need for control

Todd and I went skiing this past weekend up at Mammoth. It was the first time I’ve skied in California. The snow was great, and it wasn’t too cold. We went with another couple and stayed in a on-mountain condo. It was ski-in/ski-out, so it was super convenient but, of course, super expensive. I’m still waiting on my year-end bonus – now I really need it! Another couple that are good friends of ours also just happened to be up there on their own. We skied a bunch with them, too. We all had a blast. The 5 hour car ride on Friday and again on Sunday was definitely NOT fun, though. Hopefully, our friends will send us some photos that I can post – I forgot to take some.

I was freaking out a bit too much about the cost of everything while we were there. Our friends picked out the place, and we didn’t know how much it cost until I asked how much we owed them. I almost swallowed my tongue when they told me. Add in the cost of the lift tickets, and suddenly, Todd and I had spent a LOT of money on just 2 days.

But, I’ve been listening to a great CD in my car, called The Power of Self-Coaching by Dr. Joseph J. Luciani, and the author just happened to be talking on my Monday morning commute about how worrying so much about things is really a self-defeating form of control. If we dream up every awful potential outcome possible, we won't be taken off guard when the worst occurs - we'll be prepared, and we retain control. The obsessive need to be prepared for every awful outcome stems from our inability to TRUST that we’re capable of figuring out an acceptable solution WHEN the time comes.

My need to have such tight-reined control over money is a glaring street sign that I still don’t trust my ability to take care of myself financially or to handle financial challenges.

Yikes.

I also realized how I was choosing to obsess over the money rather than be grateful that 1) I really CAN afford to splurge once in awhile, and 2) I had this wonderful opportunity to do something that I love with people that I love. For goodness’ sake, I ACTUALLY CRIED after finishing my first run on Saturday morning. I was just so moved by how amazingly wonderful it felt to ski on a beautiful morning on perfect snow in such a beautiful place as Mammoth mountain! Why the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about the cost of it all?

The Power of Self-Coaching had the answer: I’ve still got some very bad habits around control and money. I’ve made huge strides in acknowledging when I’m frightened but pushing through it anyway (my job search is a great example), but money is definitely a sticky issue with me. I rationalize my worry by arguing that I’m all I’ve got in the world. If I get into trouble, there is no one there to bail me out. I’m not worried about the here and now so much since I have friends and Todd and the skills and ability to go out and make more money. But, what about when I’m old? I don’t have family, and I don’t plan to create any by having children. I do plan on being completely alone at some point when I’m very old, and that’s ok with me. But, it is totally crappy and unhealthy to be worrying about “what if” I’m broke and alone and kicked out into the street when I’m 85 years old?! I’m planning and saving for my old age as best I can now, and who is to say that I won’t get hit by a truck tomorrow? I’ve wasted so much of my youth and life worrying about something that may never even come close to happening – particularly considering how much effort I’m putting into SAVING for my old age!

I highly recommend the book or CD to you. The author talks a lot about all this “what if’ing” that really screws with our heads. He is VERY wordy, and he gets a VERY slow start. But, there’s a lot of great stuff in there if you’re patient. It’s all very similar to the approach my coach used with me in recovery. The key is hyper-awareness of what you’re doing to yourself, when you start doing it, and how to stop it.

Check out the author’s “blog” posts right in the Amazon.com book write up. He writes:

“Self-Coaching reduces all conflict (especially anxiety, panic, and depression) to two words: insecurity and control. By understanding how, because of reflexive habits of insecurity, you’ve gravitated toward a life of control (i.e., worrying, rumination, perfectionism, compulsion, etc.) you are in a position to begin seeing exactly what can be done to eliminate psychological friction from your life. The key to psychological well-being is learning what you’re doing that feeds the reflexive habits of insecurity (i.e., worry, doubts, fears, and negatives) and what you can do to starve these habits.”

I got the job!

AND, although it was very scary for me, I negotiated to start the new job a week later than I originally let on that I would be available. This will allow me to get my bonus, learn of my raise (good for job history), and maybe even take a couple of days off before I start. I went back and forth on just giving my notice and forfeiting the bonus. But, I wanted that bonus, I deserved it, and I was going to communicate my wants to the new company. I was petrified that they would decide I wasn’t worth waiting for, but I pushed myself to take that scary step of telling them what I wanted, and I GOT IT! AND, perhaps even more important, I have strengthened my self-confidence, my courage, my trust in myself that my wants are valid, important, and worth the respect of others.

Yay!

This is a good example of why I always say you have to push through your fear each and every day. Look how I’ve grown from this one little, though significantly frightening, experience.

New job update

Things are getting exciting on the job change front. I have a good chance of getting an offer today or tomorrow. If that happens, I may be giving my 2 week resignation notice this week! I will be dying to do it on Thursday because I want my last day here to be March 13, and that will be exactly 2 weeks. But, then I’ll never know what my annual raise/bonus would have been since those are supposed to be coming out in March.

Do I wait until March to get my raise/bonus or just run? If I am informed of my higher salary in March, then I’ll have better salary negotiations going forward. Of course, it might not be significantly higher. I DESERVE a raise after this hellish year, but every other year at this time, I’ve just gotten the typical cost of living increase, a $2500 bonus, and a stock incentive. The stock incentive will be worthless, but the bonus would be nice . . .

What to do?? I already told the new company that I would be available after the 13^th.

It’s fun and exciting to think about all these possibilities. I enjoy thinking about that moment when I tell my boss I'm OUT! But, what I really need to do is just chill for now because even if they offer me the job today, we might need to negotiate. Then, I would need the offer in writing in hand before I jump ship. So, I may have another whole week before I need to officially give my notice.

I’ll keep you guys posted!

Busy times: job search and family update

It’s been a super busy time these last couple of weeks as I juggle a busy job, a job search, volunteering all day every Saturday, and my family. Luckily, the excitement of the changes and opportunities associated with the job search and subsequent life change are helping to fuel an overabundance of energy.

•           Family: things are SOOOO much better since my depression lifted while I felt “trapped” in my awful job that changed so dramatically for the worse last August, and I’m actually stepping into the next phase of my life. We had a wonderful Valentine’s Day and ½ year anniversary last week. Yes, we celebrate our anniversary every 6 months! We started it because it’s the day before Valentine’s, so it gives us the option of going out on the 13^th and staying home and avoiding the crowds and chaos on the 14^th. Todd and I have been together 2.5 years now! The last half year was tough on us. But, we’re through it and we’re stronger and even more committed. Yay!

We also “got away” a little bit this weekend. We went wine tasting up in Santa Ynez wine country on Sunday and camped out for the night at El Capitan state park. It was a lot of fun and our first time camping out together. We brought the dogs, and they really added to the whole experience. We would do a wine tasting, then go exploring with the dogs to burn off the alcohol. Then, repeat at another winery. We got lazy with the camping and figured we could all just crash in the back of Todd’s station wagon. That’s Todd, me, and almost 200 pounds of dog! It didn’t work as well as we had hoped. We were pretty cramped! We got up early (as soon as the sun came up!) and let the dogs run around as we explored the park. No one was around, so we didn’t have to worry about bothering anyone or getting in trouble. They loved it, and that made Todd and me extra happy.

•           Job search: it’s going pretty well. I actually think I’m going to be receiving an offer for a job that sounds really challenging and is a good fit for my long-term goals. They just want to talk with my 2 references. But, we already talked a bit about money and when I could start, so that’s a really good sign. The only issue is that, while they’re very conveniently located in Beverly Hills right now, they’re moving to Santa Monica later this year. Ugh. That will take my commute from 25 minutes to 40-60 minutes. I’ve been struggling with that. I wish I had more potential jobs on the table right now to weigh against it. But, I don’t. I interviewed for a job down at LAX (what was I thinking?!). It was a 40 minute drive down there in the middle of the day with no traffic. It took me 1.5 hours to get home during rush hour. No Thank You!

I just wish I had more good jobs to explore so I could compare. Job searches are completely dependent on the timing. Maybe in March or April my dream job would become available, but I need to find a job sooner than that. So, it’s a total gamble. No, I’m not committing my life to this next job, but I really hope to be there at least 2 years.

One thing I’d like to mention: my next job is going to be very busy. No more playing online during the day. It’s going to be all work and no play. That’s VERY different from my current job. And, I’m ready for that now. Having less to do at work has often played with my mind – making me feel guilty and like I’m being complacent about not really growing as the years went by (remember I’ve been here 5 years now). But, I have to remind myself that I NEEDED my job to be like this these past few years. During my tenure here:

•           my sister committed suicide. I needed to take a LOT of time off to deal with that. Other companies wouldn’t have bent over backwards to support me like WB did.

•           I recovered from 14 years of bulimia and 30 years of rage, panic disorder, depression, and persistent, paralyzing fear. That took a lot of time and focus. I admit that I often used company time to work on my “homework” for my coach. We even had our weekly one hour phone sessions while I was at work. I wouldn’t have been able to do that at another job.

•           I wrote this blog. Again, I admit that I often used company time to write for the blog. I never put off work to do it. I just had more free time in this job than I probably should have in a corporate job.

I am now officially and fully ready to tackle a challenging job, where I’ll need to learn and grow and really stretch to meet demands. I’m ready to focus all day, every day on my work. The job I’m thinking of taking will get me that much closer to my long-term career goals. I’m scared because I haven’t had to work hard for over 5 years, and I’ve forgotten SOO much of the stuff I’ll need to do the job. But, I’m ready for the fear – I’ll turn it into energy and excitement to get creative and somehow figure out and learn what I need to learn. I’m done with complacency and boredom. I’m ready.