As I made mention of yesterday, I’ve been feeling my old symptoms of anxiety over the last couple of months or so:
*tightness in neck and back,
*shallow breathing,
*decreased patience and increased irritability with people, such as at work, while driving, or in crowded places like supermarkets,
*getting easily angered while driving (this is the one that bothers me most . . . unpredictable rage was always the thing that made me feel the worst about myself before I went through coaching).
It took me a while to even recognize the symptoms. I guess they began to reappear slowly, and I was too lazy or preoccupied to use the tools I learned in coaching to fight them off. Keeping our decisions in line with our hearts takes attention, time, dedication, and significant energy. As my life got busy, I made compromises that didn’t serve me well.
As time went by, my symptoms began to become persistent.
I actually shouldn’t say that they’re symptoms of stress. For me, they’re symptoms of relapse. No, I’m not relapsing to binging/purging. But, for me, the anger, impatience, and general inability to feel calm were almost always more painful to me than the bulimia. Overwhelming feelings of out of control anger and anxiety were almost always the triggers for me to binge and purge.
So . . . I’m happy I’ve finally paid attention to the signals my body has been sending - that my decisions are out of alignment with my heart and how I truly want to live. Like Nancy, I, too, need to recommit now to getting back to the basics of 1) listening to and honoring my heart, and 2) actively re-focusing on my self-talk and how I spend my time.
I am disappointed that I’ve strayed so far from all the tools I used to keep my heart and my decisions in line. But, I understand and accept how I came to drift . . . I got busy, and I made very short-sighted compromises. A couple months ago or so, my life got busy:
*my work load increased significantly, so I all I had time for during the work week was (gasp!) work.
*I was working out with Todd after work for about 40 minutes or so.
*By the time we finished dinner and cleaned up, it was late (often 10:00 pm or so), and I was too tired to focus on my writing or anything.
*We also did a lot of traveling, which is fun and exciting. BUT, being out of my normal element provides lots of opportunity for excuses as well as stress, unpredictability, and potentially some discomfort when operating in a different time zone and meshing with other people’s schedules and habits.
*I decided to put off writing my book, which by itself is fine, but then I no longer made time for writing, which of course keeps me focused on being healthy and my goals in life.
Then, I began making excuses:
“I don’t want to spend the 15 or 20 minutes per night working on my Success Journal right now – I’m tired and just want to watch a movie with Todd.” - even though my Success Journal time was the most enlightening and calming and self-reaffirming (not to mention the most productive for working on my goals) time of the day. I give a lot of credit to my Success Journaling to my entire recovery.
“I can’t go hide for 15-20 minutes every evening when we’re with Todd’s family or on vacation! I’ll just have to skip it until I get back home to my normal routine.”
“We’re on vacation! I’m going to read a trashy beach novel for a change and just enjoy myself.” - yet, everyone needs a little inspirational reading. As you may have noticed, my recommended reading list hasn’t changed in months! Inspirational reading keeps me focused on my health and my growth. I need to get back to it.
“I’m recovered! I don’t need to spend time reflecting or working on my journal every night anymore!” -ugh! This excuse is very tempting, but I realize now it’s total crap! My journaling time was healthy and enjoyable and an important part of my day. Just because I’m “recovered” is no reason to compromise something that had become so meaningful to me.
“So, I’m a little irritable this morning. Everyone’s gets a little moody every once in a while.” - but, yet getting impatient and angry at strangers actually hurts me a lot. I lose respect for myself, I’m embarrassed later, and I carry around the burden of my upset. Being crabby is sometimes hormonal, but I have the skills to work through it most of the time – I just have been choosing to not bother. It’s always worth the energy to keep living inline with my heart.
I guess the point of this long post is to show you how I can be an example that learning, growing, spending time in self-reflection and affirmation, and staying committed to exercising our new, optimistic, loving habits of thought and interpretation of the world around us are NOT just for recovery time. Like committing to regular exercise and brushing our teeth, these are critical activities that must become a regular part of our daily lives.
Just like Nancy, I’m going to recommit to actively living in the way I most respect: calmly, patiently, kindly, and focused on my growth and helping others who have suffered like me. I’ll keep you posted.
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