I used Laurel Mellin's stuff today!

I'm sitting here at the computer sweating and gross, but I have to tell you about how I successfully used Laurel's nurturing & limits process to get me successfully through a challenge: running with my boyfriend.

In the old days, I would have gone running with a guy just to please him - not because I wanted to at all. Then, I would have been passive aggressive the whole time to punish him -stopping every few minutes to catch my breath. Then, I would have continued to punish him by complaining about the post-run I would surely be in, and withhold affections until I "got over it" which could be days or a week or two.

Today, I began my run knowing that I really want to be able to run with him, and I need to get back in shape since I've basically done no exercise at all in the 5 weeks he was in Malibu. But, my enthusiasm soon turned to anger. I could hear myself saying, "this SUCKS! I HATE this! Why in the world did I say I would run with him?!" But, I remembered Laurel talking in her audiobook about why sometimes we have to push ourselves to do things we don't want to do. And, I could use her process to help me interpret my run in a better, more positive way.

So, I did it, and it worked!! The run was still hard for me, but I stayed positive and focused and actually excited about it. AND, most importantly, I stayed thankful and loving toward Todd. I stopped being angry and resentful, and stayed so happy to have such a great guy who is willing to basically hold my hand through the whole run and spend this time with him doing something he absolutely loves.

On top of that, after the run when we were walking back up the hill to home, I decided to share the process with him. I went through it all again. And, he listened intently, laughed with me at the funny thoughts I had had during our run (beginning with, "Todd is such a bastard for making me do this!"), and was actually interested in how it all worked. My sharing it with him made our time together even more intimate. And, I feel great!

He's off hiking the dogs right now. After our run, I listened to my heart, and I could honestly and without any guilt or hesitation say, "Todd, I did good with the run, and I think that's enough working out for me for today, so I'm going to stay home." He was totally fine with it, and here I am. Still feeling great.

I'm going to go through a bit of what went on with you here, and I'm going to try to replicate the emotion I was feeling at the time. I'm still learning myself, but I really want to be able to teach it to you guys at some point. It's actually very easy.

I feel angry that . . . I feel angry that I'm stuck out here doing this. I feel angry that Todd pushed me to do this. I feel angry that this hurts so much. I feel angry that I need to work out at all. I feel angry that I didn't tell him, "no!"

I feel sad that . . . I feel sad that I have to do this! I feel sad that I'm so out of shape that I have to stop every 10 minutes. I feel sad that I can't keep up with Todd. I feel sad that I can't have the hot body I want without doing exercise.

I feel afraid . . . I feel afraid that Todd will realize it's just too much work to encourage me to come alone with him. I feel afraid that I'll never be able to keep up with Todd. I feel afraid that Todd will leave me for someone who shares his love of running and working out. I feel afraid that Todd will get frustrated with me.

I feel guilty that . . . I feel guilty that I stopped working out all together while Todd was gone, so I'm totally out of shape again. I feel guilty that I hate this so much when Todd loves it so much. I feel guilty that I just won't exercise unless Todd is encouraging me. I feel guilty for blaming Todd for this pain!

This is the point where I went running for the fridge last week! But, now I know I have to the Limits part of the process.

Are my expectations reasonable? No. My unreasonable expectation is that I can be healthy and fit without doing any exercise. My unreasonable expectation is that I can eat whatever I want without having to exercise. My unreasonable expectation is that Todd will leave me if I don't love running like he does. My unreasonable expectation is that Todd is being selfish and unloving and mean by encouraging me to run and exercise with him.

What is a reasonable expectation? A reasonable expectation is that of course running will be hard at first. But, if I commit to doing little bits at a time, I will get better and it will get easier. And, someday I may be able to keep up with Todd. A reasonable expectation is that Todd will be home with me beginning on Tuesday, so we can start up our 3 day per week, after-work 40 minute work-outs again, and I'll get in better shape every day. My reasonable expectation is that maybe I won't love running, but I will do some kind of exercise every day, and I'll certainly give running a fair shot.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that running sucks. The essential pain is that most good types of exercise suck. I would rather be home lounging in front of the TV or reading a book. The essential pain is that exercise is a very important part of my plan to be healthy and fit. I have to do it.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I will feel great later - physically and mentally and emotionally. The earned reward is that Todd and I are sharing something together and have intimacy. The earned reward is that I'll look great at the pool party later. The earned reward is that I can enjoy the food at the party more. The earned reward is that I'll be really proud of myself.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . I feel grateful that my boyfriend wants to share this with me. I feel grateful that my boyfriend so highly values healthy living -good eating, good exercise, good adventure. I feel grateful that I CAN run. I feel grateful that I have someone I can rely on to encourage me and share with me.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that I get to spend a beautiful day in beautiful La Jolla getting exercise with my beautiful boyfriend. I feel happy that I get to go to a fun pool party later this afternoon. I feel happy to be alive.

I feel secure. . . I feel secure that my boyfriend loves me no matter what. I feel secure that I'm going to get back into great shape pretty quickly. I feel secure that Todd will continue to support and encourage me.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I'm doing this even though I didn't want to. I feel proud that I'm taking good care of my body. I feel proud that I turned bad feelings into great feelings during the course of this run. I feel proud that I have good news to share on my blog. I feel proud that I'm going to nail this process and teach it to others.

And, you know what, I still feel fabulous!

I love you all. Gotta run now. More later.

Comments

[Djuro]

YOU GO, GIRL!
Gottta live, gotta love, gotta laugh!
Be very, very proud of yourself, what you've achieved and what you are nurturing in your life.

I'm back from my two-month coast summer job adventure.
What happens to MUST when you turn them into WANT is amazing.
What a small switch, what a healthy perspective!

Greetings from Croatia!

[Sharon]

Wow, way to go Michelle! Your struggles and triumphs continue to inspire me.

[Farah]

I came on your blog while searching for bulimia. I have always been an emotional eater - for the past ten years or so, I don't think I've eaten a meal without feeling guilty about it an hour later. Lately, life has been very rough as my friends have left our hometown in search for greener pastures very far, far away and I don't know when I'll see them again. I miss them loads.

I have been desperate to throw up. I don't know why. When I eat, I feel bad and I want to get the food out of me. I feel that if I did that, I'll be relieving a lot of the stress and depression along with it. I'm 22, female, Asian. I don't know who to turn to for help. I started wondering why I'm feeling this way all of a sudden. Why am I using food as an excuse. I'm still very confused. But your blog has been a little helpful and I hope I don't do anything that leads me to self-destruction - even though to be painfully honest, the idea of vomiting sounds very tempting at the moment.

[Leigh]

Hey Michelle,

Ah, running, the great love of my life. When I was an overweight teenager, I HATED running. I was the one who did the obligatory fitness-test mile in fifteen minutes, sulking and walking the whole way. Now I run several miles a week and absolutely love it-- in no small part because it was something I once stated firmly my particular body just "wasn't meant to do" and now I conquered it. Maybe the same will happen for you, too!

The one thought I had was... yes, it's a great way to stay fit and sounds like a great way for you to bond with Todd since it seems to be something he's passionate about. And I think it's great that you are giving it a shot with full intention and effort. It IS hard at first and takes some training to get into. But I just wanted to put out there that it's not for everyone. Everyone has a type of exercise they enjoy most, and if you find that you usually have to force yourself to surmount bad feelings to go running, and if you have to talk yourself through it constantly just to get some enjoyment out of it, then maybe running might not be for you. You seem to have a genuine desire to take care of your body by finding a form of exercise you enjoy... I just offer you that the most important aspect of a fit lifestyle is consistency and enjoyment. Your regular activity is going to be something that's part of your life forever, and it will need to be whatever you decide is personal to you. When you are starting from the point of being out of shape, everything is going to be a little unpleasant and challenging at first. So, in addition to trying jogging sometimes with Todd, why don't you also think about some other types of physical activity you might enjoy? When I was less in good shape, I really loved (and sometimes still do) doing a dance video by myself. If you like exercising in groups, what about a dance class? There's swimming, biking, everything... trying a whole bunch of different things is a really fun experiment, and will help give you a wide range of options for lifestyle fitness that you can really be at peace with and enjoy, the way Todd loves his.

I'm sure you don't need me to tell you, but... I guess I just wanted to support your effort by reassuring you that you will find SOME way to stay healthy- even if it means that running is more Todd's thing than yours. And who knows- you may discover a new activity that YOU love that you can invite HIM into. There could be plenty of things you can master and love, and then it'll be him keeping up with YOU sometimes! You have a lot of options!

I'll be thinking of you when I go running next! Thanks for all of your sharing,

Love,

Leigh

[Michelle Hope]

Hi Leigh - you're commenting at the exact time I put up a new post! It's fun to know you're here with me right now!

Your comment about finding what *I* enjoy in terms of exercise is very wise and heart-felt. Thanks! What you're saying is very true, and I agree. You know what my favorite "exercise" is? It's rollerblading down by the beach between Santa Monica and Venice. I LOVE THAT! It's even better since I bought a stoller for my dog, so I can push her in it and have her company! I posted a picture of her in her stroller a while ago. I'll have to find it and post it again. It's really funny, and people are always laughing about it, and that just gives me more joy.

But, the truth now is that I live pretty far from the beach and going blading takes most of the day . . . of course, that's cuz I have to get a smoothie in Venice and lie in the grass on a blanket and do some writing/snoozing/people watching with my dog before heading back up the beach.

Running or working out with Todd at home is a good way to get relatively quick and consistent exercise. I'll keep you posted on that!

[Michelle Hope]

Hey Farah. How have you been doing?

You are feeling like throwing up, because, you are right, it will superficially relieve a lot of tension.

But, it won't solve the problem - that you have a lot of tension that you don't know to deal with in a healthy way. You're probably scared and upset with all the changes and uncertainty and unpredictability going on in your life. That's completely normal. But, just like every other person reading this site, you have to learn how to feel your emotions and deal with them. If you turn to throwing up, you'll only be inviting more turmoil and pain into your life.

I think you would be a very good candidate for trying out Laurel Mellin's process for your emotions about your friends leaving you.

I wish you left your email address so I could contact you about it. If you get back in contact with me, I would even be interested in helping you through the process. It would be a great experience for us both, and I bet it would really be enlightening for you.

[Melanie]

Thanks so much for sharing such personal info. I also sincerely appreciate the info re: Laurel Mellin's book. I've been going to therapy and reading every binge eating self help book I could find, but this is the first book that I really believe will make a difference.

[Victoria]

Thanks so much for your honnesty and sharing your story! I am looking into Laurel Mellin's method and have been reading about it over on Emotional Brain Training News
. I think that they have changed the name from The Solution to Emotional Brain Training?
Anyway, I will see how it goes!
Thanks again!