Happy New Year!

It’s time for an update!

It’s a new year, and I’ve been missing for too long.

I want to send a special thank you to Gu for continuing to send little notes of support and friendship throughout the holidays and my personal dates of importance in December. How does he remember them all?

I also want to thank my friend, Bridget, over at www.barneybu.blogspot.com for being so patient with me.

On to the update:

Work.

Work was my number one cause of misery when I last wrote. Funny, I STILL don’t have a working system, although the team has continued to promise that it’s just about ready to go! In November, the developers decided they were on the wrong track and redesigned the whole thing from scratch! Luckily, I stopped taking it all personally, so, while it’s still a bummer, I’m no longer frustrated or upset about it.

I’m just tired and bored of it all now. I’m actually going to push to have the entire system removed from my management. Anther team has slowly been taking over more & more ownership, and having me involved makes the process so complicated and messy and error prone. I think it’s ingenious –just because I was managing it before doesn’t mean it’s still the right thing to do. I’m excited to talk to my boss about it. Of course, he’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism!) I spoke with the project manager (who I really dislike, but have been forcing myself to be kind and productive with), and he was totally supportive and was going to talk to the other team about it. Of course, they’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism again!)

I’m still hanging in there to get my tenure in mid-March, and it’s not nearly as hard anymore. I may have to stay through the end of March, though, because that’s when we get our annual review. I’m really curious about how I’ll do. And, if I do somehow happen to get a raise (I’m not holding my breath – I haven’t had the most productive year), it will look better taking my higher final salary into negotiations with a new company. I’m feeling better about the upcoming job search, too. I just need to jump in (probably beginning late-February), and I’m sure to get some good momentum and excitement.

My attitude has been really good at work since the new year began. I’ve been nice to people; I’ve gone out to lunch with people; I’ve even agreed to serve as President of my Toastmasters club for another 6 months. Over the last 4 or 5 months, I HATED the job since it was just one more responsibility on my shoulders. I couldn’t wait to be done with it. We really didn’t have anyone else to do it, though, so I reluctantly agreed. I just planned my first Officer’s meeting, and I’m actually feeling pretty good about the job again.

Health.

I had started up my anti-anxiety pills in October as a crutch to help me through the work misery and the holiday misery. If you haven’t read much of my blog, I’ll just say for now that I really don’t like the holidays. Even my boyfriend, Todd, doesn’t really understand the depth of my dislike and anxiety during the mid-December to New Year’s time period. I’ll probably do a post on it sometime.

As I had planned, I stopped taking the pills right after Christmas. I’m happy to report that I’ve been fine so far: no anxiety, no panic attacks. I’m optimistic that I was right about my plan – I just needed a temporary crutch.

A bit of bad news health-wise, however: I had been running 3 times a week between September and November, and I actually really enjoyed it! Shocking, I know! But, then I screwed up my hip, and it STILL hurts – even when I’m just walking! I’ve had to give it up for awhile. I probably won’t even try it again until spring to make sure it heals completely.

Family.

We had a scare with our 10 year old Weimaraner in November. She got really sick with allergies & hives for a few days, so Todd took her in to the vet. It turned out that she had a tumor that had gotten so big she was sure to die within a few months if we didn’t try to get it surgically removed. This was an incredibly rough time for me and Todd. The surgeon wasn’t optimistic that he could do anything, but Todd insisted that he try - Todd even had to yell at the guy to do it. I wasn’t very supportive of Todd in his choices here, and I sure made it harder on him to follow his heart (I was following mine), but luckily he ended up being completely right. We had the surgery, and while that wasn’t fun, our little girl has been healthier and happier than I’ve ever seen her. She’s playful and snuggly and affectionate. She was NEVER very affectionate before. It’s almost like she’s 5 years younger! It was amazing to see how big emotional decisions can really tear at a couple. Thankfully we made it through that challenge. We’re $10,000 poorer, of course, but we made it through, and our baby is happier than ever.

Love life.

Things with Todd are happily back on track in the new year. On top of our struggle dealing with our dog, it was tough on him having to watch me be miserable about my job when there was nothing he could do to make it better. Once I started the pills, I became much better at leaving the stress at the office and coming home happy to see my family. Our dogs were a great help in that since they’re just so happy and silly when I get home. If I take a moment to play with them and receive all the kisses and snuggles they want to give me, I found that it isn’t hard at all to get happy, even after the worst day and commute.

I broached the subject of potentially going away next Christmas, and he was totally open to it. I had assumed that Christmas time was sacred time for him to be with family, but I was wrong. I’m very happy to spend Thanksgiving and New Year’s with his family. But, because of my history with Christmas, I would just really prefer to spend a low key non-Christmas Christmas “away.” Maybe I’ll even learn to look forward to Christmas for the first time in my life!

We have an exciting trip planned for his birthday in May. We’re going to Jaco, Costa Rica! It’s especially exciting because it’s a gift from a couple of Todd’s clients! They’ve been so happy with Todd’s help and support that they bought the plane tickets, we’re staying for free in their condo there, and they even hired a driver to get us from the capital, San Jose, down to Jaco. Apparently, the surfing there is fabulous, so Todd is bringing his board. I’m a bit worried that I won’t be able to pry him from the water to go touring around the country, though!

One more fun tidbit: Todd & I talked about moving closer to his family someday relatively soon. While I assumed we would eventually move down there, I didn’t think he would be up for it until his LA friends started settling down with families & stuff. Again, I was wrong. We even know our first choice town: Solana Beach. It’s way too expensive to buy a home there, but we could pretty easily rent – especially as people get more desperate with the whole housing recession and all. Todd would rent out his house up here in LA, and perhaps we might even break-even financially. The move would be a logistical nightmare because of the house, a new job for me, and our 200 pounds or so of dog we have, but it’s exciting to think about doing it together. It’s just wonderful down there: the air is cleaner, there’s great biking (for me) and surfing (for him), and it’s just so beautiful. I’ve been in LA for over 5 years now, and I suppose I’ve got a bit of an itch for a change . . . Of course, I love our friends here in LA, and I would really miss them. We’re having dinner with a bunch of them at one’s house on Saturday, and I couldn’t be more excited to spend that time with them.

Spiritual life.

I haven’t been writing in my blog, but I’ve been doing something else that is incredibly powerful to me spiritually. I’ve been volunteering with dog rescue groups and one of the LA city animal shelters. I’ll be at the shelter for about 2 hours tomorrow and on Sunday, just going from cage to cage, scratching and petting and talking quietly with the dogs. It’s sad, but it’s fulfilling to know I’m doing SOMETHING to give them a little peace. Being LA, most of the dogs are pit bulls. Many are beaten up. Most will be put down. All of them press themselves so hard against their cage bars to get closer to me for a little bit of love and attention.

That’s the update for now. As you can see, it's been a challenging time. Luckily, I'm through the worst, and I'm optimistic for the future. I’m going to slowly get back to writing more regularly, but please don’t count on too much personal advice if you write me an email. Trust me – if I’ve ever had any words of wisdom on recovery, they’re probably already written here in the blog for you. Just read it.

Comments

[Gu]

Well that sounds all pretty great, thanks for the update and well done Michelle! I wish you all the best for 2008! May everything go even better than planed!

[Sharon]

I'm glad you took the time to post an update, Michelle. It sounds like you are becoming more sure of yourself through the struggles that life is providing. I admire your courage and your honesty. Your posts provide me with insight and encouragement to not get bogged down when difficult situations arise but to trust that we can come through those times and thrive in our vision for the future.

I'm glad that Ysabel is feeling better. It's beautiful to read that you are also sharing love with abandoned dogs in need.

Love and optimism,
-Sharon