How to find a teacher/coach

I got an email asking about coaching: how much it costs and how to find a good one. I wrote back:

The only coach I have worked with is, unfortunately, very expensive. The 9 month package I bought from him costs usually $18,000 or $19,000 (or it did 3 years ago, anyway). He gave it to me for $14,000 because he had an on-going business coaching relationship and friendship with my boyfriend at that time. I bought it because 1) I basically got an ultimatum from my boyfriend then, 2) I was desperate to change - I felt like I was at "rock bottom" with the bad choices I continued to make, and 3) I had the money - I was 34 at the time and decided it was a good investment after a lifetime of fear, rage, and confusion.

If I were to do it again, I would have paid for a much shorter commitment, though, since I felt I learned pretty much all I needed (or wanted??) within about 4 or 5 months, max. It was quite intensive, and I was ready to give it a go on my own within 4-5 months.

You can find a couple other coaches listed on my blog in the left hand column, but to be honest I haven't heard of any great success stories from anyone working with them yet. Keep in mind, too, that "coaches" aren't generally covered by insurance.

You might want to look into this approach I wrote about in the blog: New non-traditional recovery help. You're going to have to do research. Look perhaps for therapists who have been trained in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy since, from what I know, it's pretty close to what I did with my coach. Therapists are generally covered by insurance, too, so this is probably the most economical way to go. The key, however, is finding someone to TEACH YOU, GIVE YOU TONS OF EXERCISES and FEEDBACK, and HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE for doing the work and pushing yourself beyond your comfort zone and self-defeating automatic reactions to things. A therapist who just listens to you isn't even worth your time, let alone your $$. You have a lot of missing skills and/or bad knowledge that keeps you making self-defeating choices, probably without your even being aware of it.

Learning to live the life you really want requires something like a school education: instruction, repetition and practice, correction and feedback, and testing (testing in this analogy is how your life changes as you grow). You need a very active teacher.

As I’ve said before: Recovery is an active process in partnership with the world and what it throws at you. Just talking about it, thinking about it, even writing about it won’t get you there.

Keep seeking and asking questions, keep learning. You'll get there.

Comments

[Kelsey]

What did you do when all you wanted to do was binge? Did you ever want to not talk to people or avoid people so you could just binge? And in that case how did you change that?

[Michelle Hope]

Hi Kelsey.

Of course, there were times when all I wanted to do was be alone and binge - try every day, all day!

You want to binge because it is your coping mechanism -for fear, for insecurity, for overwhelm, for anger, etc. It numbs you and calms you and gives you the breathing room you need to make decisions and take at least one step in the direction you want to go.

The bottom line is that you have to learn how to not get so overwhelmed with worry. When you're not IN NEED of numbing and calming, you won't feel the need to turn to bulimia. The urge to binge just slowly fades.

I always say that you won't recover by focusing on NOT eating or NOT throwing up. You won't recover by continuing the fight with the coping tools you currently have. You have to LEARN how to trust yourself, how to listen to your heart to make decisions, how to calm yourself, how to push through your fear to prove to yourself that you can accomplish what you really in your heart want to accomplish (not necessarily what you think you SHOULD accomplish, however -that's a recipe for a binge). You have to read and learn new ways of looking at the world and interpretting it and what it means for you. You have to learn creativity and optimism - and get out of the habit of automatically turning to doubt and pessimism and insecurity. Your bad habits of thought and interpretation make bulimia almost necessary because NO ONE can function in the middle of a panic attack! At least for me, my life was like one constant low-grade panic attack before I learned how to change my perspectives. Start learning today - go to the library and check out some of the books I mention on the right side of the blog. That's what you must do.

[Sue O'Bryan]

I am in the process of navigating back through this entire blog and found this comment very helpful. Often even "getting through" breakfast and lunch without a binge, which has been my "success" for the past 2 weeks, (which is HUGE for a 3-5 time per day binger for the past 12 years) feels like a negative success to me! In other words, I have a pessimistic voice that says "Yes, but there is always dinner and you will never get through a whole day with peace and calm, without the need to numb." THe days just feel so darn long. I am challenged by boredom, too. I get anxious with nothing to do! Plus I still look forward to the release, isolation, numbness at the end of the day. The problem is, I leave myself no room to pursue dreams, goals -- I am stumped to even think in these terms because, even when trying to get well through 12 step programs, etc., I am focusing on NOT being or doing something. The best thing I can say is that this blog and also researching around the resources/books/coaches listed on the blog have opened some space in me to consider that it may be possible to heal and that looking at my thinking and beliefs is the place to start -- just sort of let the food go for now and look inside, with honesty, and frame goals in a positive manner. I am in the beginning stages of seeing if coaching is a possibility for me. This would require that I be honest with my husband which, of course, is very scary. He is WELL aware that I have had a long term ED, but I haven't admitted to throwing up -- have said I over exercise, restrict, etc. What shame I have about myself! I really really listen for what conversation I have with myself -- my thoughts, beliefs, and I notice when they are negative and I understand why bulimia sounds so attractive -- QUIET!!! There is a slight pause now between my thoughts and my actions, which is a welcomed gift. I am starting with VERY SIMPLE intentions and goals, without beating myself up or critizing myself at night when I binge, but with the sincere desire to be free from the ED, all day long, one moment and meal at a time.