I'm officially the only one left in my family.

I just accidentally found out that my dad is dead. He died 2 years ago. No one called to tell me.

My father and I have not seen each other since I moved to CA in 2003. We spoke when my sister died in 2004, but we pretty much mutually agreed to not continue being part of each other's lives at that point. It was in our mutual interest.

However, I always figured that some day I would get a call from a relative saying that my dad was sick, and I had better come see him and make peace before he died. I've tried to envision what I would do at that point. What I would say to him. What I might expect.

But, it's time to stop thinking about all those possibilities because that call never came. He's long dead and buried. The opportunity to make those choices is gone.

So strange. I'm not sure how I feel yet. I literally found out about 5 minutes ago. I haven't even told Todd yet. I don't know why, after so long, my first desire was to write this all down in my blog. My old blog. My old community.

I was researching my grandmother online. Embarrassingly, I forgot her name. That was really bothering me. I don't have anyone to ask - I'm the last one alive in her immediate family. I MUST at least remember her name. I still don't know her name. But, I know my dad is dead. Weird.

Comments

[mg]

Hi Michelle. I cannot imagine the things that you are going through right now. What I can tell you is that I was a lonely grad student in Malibu and I found your website when I had lost all hope.

After years of anorexia and bulimia, you really helped me to understand how I could possibly move on and live a better life. It is not completely over yet, but I feel like I am getting closer to making the breakthrough I have been looking for. It can be hard to go at life on your own, and I'm sure you know this.

I am incredibly sorry to read about your father. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. The fact that you have shared everything that you have, in the hopes that it could help and support others, clearly shows that you are an incredibly giving and courageous person. I hope that you receive this back tenfold because you are an amazing person who I really admire.

You are such a beautiful person inside and out and I seriously cannot understand how you have so successfully powered through the many obstacles that have come your way.

I really hope that you find all the peace and happiness that you seek Michelle because you are incredible and you deserve it.

Sincerely yours,
MG

[Michelle Hope]

Thanks so much for writing, MG. Your words mean a LOT today.

I can understand why my father may not wanted to have seen me. Although even that is hard to accept since I believe it's human nature to want to try to settle things in life before moving on.

I think the hardest thing was realizing that NO ONE in the family contacted me. My father has a pretty large family - including some cousins my age that I was relatively close to growing up. Plus, considering my phone number and email haven't changed since I saw them all last (for my sister's funeral), it's hard to understand. I'm assuming my step-mother asked them all not to call me. I know she definitely did not want to see me.

I found an older, slightly more distant cousin on Facebook (I couldn't find ANY of the younger cousins . . . ?) and wrote to her to ask what happened. She was very sweet to write back right away and tell me that he had suffered from salivary gland cancer and then died in his sleep. She felt awful that no one contacted me. I'm going to ask her more questions today, like didn't anyone notice that I wasn't at the funeral?? Wasn't it talked about?

Oh well. I honestly am relieved that I never had to deal with all that - his death and funeral. I have no regrets or anything that I really needed to say to him before he died. I don't feel that I needed to apologize or ask forgiveness or tell him how awful he was or anything. I honestly have no more words for him. Although, of course, I would have expressed how sorry I was that he was suffering. I know he was in pain at the end, and no one should have to endure that.

I tried almost everything I could to have a relationship with my dad/step-mom. It took all the spiritual education and will power I had to be kind to them when I saw them last. They both just seemed so irrational and unpredictable to me. They seemed to want to blame me for all sorts of things that seemed really inappropriate to me. I couldn't find any middle ground with them.

Again - oh well. It's sad situation, but I have no need for it to be anything other than it is.

I am very grateful to have Todd and a new family out here in California. I will treat them well and work to keep our relationships strong.

[mg]

Michelle! You are so forth-coming. I can identify with a lot of things that you said. I sincerely feel for you because you deserve to be loved by your your parents and supported by your family. Life is so fleeting I cannot imagine living any other way. Sometimes all you want is a large hug and to know that you are great, just the way you are! It becomes really sad and frustrating that even such low/simple expectations can go a lifetime without being met. You are outstanding and I hope that you have people around you that truly know this and acknowledge it often.

One thing that really strikes me about these types or relationships is that I believe that individuals like you or I genuinely want to reach out to people. I believe we want to be connected to others and go through life supporting one another. When our own families do not understand this or care to reciprocate, it can honestly be so puzzling.

Even when you can get to a point of acceptance, it still seems so odd. It is so obvious that you really tried everything you could so that things could end differently. You really did all you could do. Something I thought of though is that whatever attitude they have/had, this is something they will have to live with and die with - after you do everything in your power to ameliorate the situation or make the best of it... you shouldn't have to live with it too. It is not fair to you whatsoever and it is not beneficial to the life you have tried to lead.

In a way, I hope that this was a piece of the puzzle that you are able to put in its place and continue your journey to be the strong, empowered person you have worked hard to be.

I hope that everything is going as well as it could and that Todd & new family are helping you through this time and discovery.

PS If anything perhaps you could stand to gain a new friend through this experience. I know we are strangers to each other but I have left my email in the comment and would love to get be in touch if you would ever like! I am a 23 yr old and just graduated from pepperdine with my mba. My first name is pretty unique so that's why I was hesitant to leave it in here. Anyways, I hope to hear from you Michelle and I really, really do hope you find a way to feel your best through all this.

xoxo M

[Sue O'Bryan]

Absolutely great to see you writing on your blog again!!!! You are well equipped with tools and support to get you through all the grief, anger, emptiness, sadness . . . whatever comes up.
I wanted to let you know that I am on day 3 bulimia free -- A MIRACLE!!! I found your blog, contacted you, and you wrote right back to me. Thanks for writing your book. I am working with Caroline Adams Miller. I am letting you know this because I know that you want to help others who are or have been in your shoes -- so I am officially telling you, YOU HELPED ME!!!! Much thanks and gratitude, MIchelle.

[Michelle Hope]

Aww, thanks for writing this, Sue. I really appreciate your taking the time to share your success and optimism and energy. It means an incredible amount to me today! I would like to get back to writing more. The first thing I would have to do is answer the many, MANY emails I get from people asking for help. It's almost overwhelming how many people are suffering from bulimia and other eating disorders and are desperate for help.

[Sue O'Bryan]

Overwhelm is the key word. On the one hand, so many are suffering and there is so much opportunity to help through sharing our experience. On the other hand, without clear goals and a roadmap that includes little daily actions, overwhelm sucks! Keep living the life you have created and sharing it with us, that is the greatest help.

[sx]

Hey dear Michelle & MG

I am an international student in LA. I would love to meet you two and share personal spirituals as I am suffering personal struggles right now too (bulimia and other things)...Please kindly let me know if you guys are interested.