Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

My Traits List: Exercise #1 for Changing Your Life

I'm down in La Jolla for Todd's nephew's birthday. He's out surfing; I'm taking a quiet moment to write this before the kids come down and jump on me.

I wanted to publish my first attempt at a trait's list in a couple of years. My first one is published at this post: Exercise#1: Identify your Core Values.;I called it the Core Values list back then. It's really just a list of all the traits, habits, characteristics, etc. that you most admire in people. It's a free form kind of a thing: just start writing. It's not going to be exhaustive - you can come back and add things if you remember something later that's important to you, and yet it will never be able to include EVERYTHING that you find important in life. It's the most meaningful things to you at the particular time you work up the list. For example, I didn't include HUMILITY in my first list. But, it's #3 on this new list. Usually, for me at least, the list includes things I DON'T see in myself. I focus on the things that I WANT, but don't currently have. To be really fair to ourselves, we should be doing the other exercises that I've posted in that blog Category: **Exercises for Recovery**since other exercises ensure that we become aware of and celebrate the wonderful traits we already have.

Check that old post for better instructions.

The next step, that you can begin working on now, is taking that list and putting SPIRITUALLY POSITIVE action items around them. The goal, as I first discussed here: Exercise #2: Your Daily Checklist, is to hold yourself accountable for practicing the characteristics you most admire. In time, you begin to embody the characteristics, and you become the whole person you most want to be and admire. One very important key is to spin the action items so they are positive. This can be hard since, at least for me as you'll soon see, my list is focused on avoiding the negative - since that's what is bothering me right now. The empowering and spiritually strengthening approach is to be embracing and reaching for the good, positive, optimistic choices. A more disempowering approach is to be focusing on avoiding and stopping the negative choices you tend to make.

If you're focused on avoiding the negative, your awareness and subconscious;are always on the look-out for the negative, and soon you'll be overwhelmed with all the negative you see everywhere.

If you're focused on finding, embracing, and creating the positive, your awareness and subconscious are always on the look-out for the positive, and soon you'll be bathing in the positive. The negative stuff gets shut out.

For example, one of my original action items (before Alyson gently corrected me) was to identify one time per day when I was feeling judgmental of people. Then, I had to let it go and allow them to be as they are.

But, that forces my subconscious to look for and focus on people who might not be exhibiting the traits that I admire in other people. I'm encouraging my mind to target all the poor choices that people make every day, just so that I can "allow" them. Soon, I'll be surrounded by people making poor choices!

After a pretty long discussion with Alyson, we came up with a much more spiritually positive action item to take care of judgment and a few other items on our lists:

*Everyday, find, appreciate, and send thanks and love to one stranger who does something nice for someone else and/or the community.*

Now, my awareness is focused on looking for the beautiful things people do for each other every day. I'm actively looking for it, so I know I'm going to find it. Soon, my subconscious will be trained to focus just on the good stuff. The bad stuff fades into the background - it becomes noise. If a poor choice someone else makes is thrust into my conscious (for example if someone cuts me off on the road), I will work to make the right choice of allowing them to do what they do with no judgment from me. But, I won't create a daily action item for that. Daily action items should be only positive and optimistic.

This is WHY it is said that what you focus on will manifest in your life. If you focus on joy, you will have more. If you focus on why you feel like a victim, you will find yourself being a victim more often. It's not that you're REALLY creating more joy or victimization, it's that you're actively looking for it and what you seek, so shall you find. What you're not seeking just fades into the background as noise that doesn't get your attention.

I'm leaving my list as is, even though it's full of the desire to avoid the negative and not necessarily embrace the positive. It's a demonstration of what I'm struggling with right now. But, the Daily Checklist of action items, the next step, HAS to be positive since that is what we'll be focusing on every day. I'll be posting the Daily Checklist in a week or so. SO, you've got time to come up with your own Traits list!

Michelle’s Traits

9/2/08

 

Calm

Patient

Humility

Doesn’t expect to have it easier or better than anyone else

compassionate

spreads kindness

outwardly loving with those I love

generous

open/vulnerable

courageous

forgiving of self and others

honest

grateful/appreciative

spontaneous

creative – in problem solving and creating joy

loyal

focuses on the good in others

accepting/allowing of others and their choices/imperfections

unaffected by the choices of others

non-judgmental

Optimistic: sees the upside in everything; confident that it will all work out just fine

makes decisions easily based on her heart – not her head, not society

no regret – except for taking time to learn the lessons from non-optimal decisions and then moving on

no guilt

focuses on goals, dreams, future – not the past

HAVE dreams, goals that I work toward every day – these guide a lot of my decisions

always learning, trying new things, growing

uses tools to handle uncertainty, discomfort – doesn’t turn to numbing with food, alcohol, withdrawal, etc.

not jealous – is able to be happy for others, takes action to improve my life/opportunities if someone has or experiences something I want

lives consciously and with perpetual awareness– no more automatic responses, no more floating,

actively chooses empowering interpretations, thoughts, actions

when lacking hard data, chooses interpretations that serve me and my spiritual goals well

hyper aware of when my ego, fears, and expectations are affecting my interpretations, my thoughts, my actions

anxiety held at reasonable levels –use tools to deflate if and when it grows beyond acceptable limit

no expectations – hopes are ok, expectations usually lead to disappointment, resentment, etc.

self-confident, self-secure that she can handle whatever comes along

can pick myself up quickly when things don’t go as I had hoped (not expected)

smiling, laughing a lot

seeks out joy

seeks out good new people

loving to my body: eat well, drink lots of water, exercise regularly

respected and needed in my job

 

Cycle on loss

I did a cycle tonight on my inability to cope with loss. Remember cycles? It’s been awhile. For people unfamiliar with Laurel Mellin, she basically teaches people how to balance self-discipline with self-nurturing. I think this works really well for bulimics because we tend to swing wildly between over-discipline and over-nurturing (over the top indulgence to soothe ourselves).

You can check out my old ones below, in chronological order.

I used Laurel Mellin's stuff today! (9/3/06)

Getting unstuck - what do I really want? (9/17/06)

Major cycle on my "value" and worthiness for healthy meals (9/19/06)

Cycle on people being mad at me or hating me (10/2/06)

Cycle on hopelessness (10/17/06)

I had begun going through coping.org’s section on Handling Loss, and although it was sad, I wasn’t learning anything new. I kept thinking that I DO know how to cope with loss – there must be something else, something deeper that is tripping me up right now. So, I pulled out my old cycle template, and just began to write. It’s amazing how the cycle started in one place and ended up in another. I had no idea that the reason I was so afraid of loss was that I had seen how just one significant loss completely trashed my parents’ lives. Of COURSE I became the master of loss avoidance! It seems so clear now, but I couldn’t have learned that without going through the cycle and just letting the emotion and the thoughts come out freely with no judgment and no censoring.

I’m posting the cycle in full here. My most sincere wish is that you begin to see the incredible power in them and that you one day decide to try it for yourself. Although I would VERY strongly suggest you read Laurel’s book in full before you try it. My first time, I jumped into it without finishing the book, and I ended up with my head in the fridge in a complete emotional wreck.

Here goes:

Thinking Journal: I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. Not really more than a lot of other people. But, a lot of loss very early when I shouldn’t have had to deal with it. And, even if I had to deal with it, it would have been nice if I had a role model for dealing well with loss. Or, maybe if someone could have actively helped me deal with it. Or, maybe if I saw someone actually DEAL with their loss rather than deny it or hide their pain or whatever emotions they had. My mom dealt with the loss of her marriage by drinking and by dropping out. She coped with cigarettes and sleep. My dad dealt with the loss of his marriage and his children by getting really, really angry. And mean. No one thought to help the children deal with the loss of a safe and quiet and peaceful home. No one helped the children deal with sudden loss of security: financial, emotional security and a consistent home. I never had a role model. I never learned how to cope with loss. I lost friends and pets, and I’m sure I cried. I remember my mom hugging me. But, I don’t remember ever talking about it. Have I been just pretending all along to deal with all this loss??

Which makes me sad . . . because I just don’t know if I actually dealt with any of it at all. I feel confused and worried and so damn sad. I have been crying and weepy for over a week for the tiniest little reasons. And, I don’t know what I need or how to make it better.

Which makes me scared . . . I’m scared that I’ve just been stuffing down my grief. How am I to know? I don’t know. But, I don’t think I’m just crying over that little dog anymore. I’m getting really freaked out. I’m scared that I know now how much fear of loss has really affected my decision making.

Which makes me sad . . . how could I have experienced all those losses and no one taught me how to deal with them?

I’m feel angry . . . I don’t feel angry.

I feel guilty . . . I don’t feel guilty.

Are my expectations reasonable? As a child, my expectations were that people just shrugged off painful losses. I also expected that significant loss will severely affect a person for the rest of their lives. Once you have a really severe loss, you’re life is probably going to go down the tubes. If you lose your marriage and partner, you’re going to become helpless and paralyzed and impoverished or you’re going to be so consumed with anger that your health, work, and later relationships pale in importance to that rage. I never fucking saw anybody DEAL. I just saw everyone completely crumble for the rest of their lives.

And that makes me angry . . . what the fuck was their problem?! Couldn’t they see that life is not supposed to be like that? Couldn’t they see that even though they lost something really important, there was still so much of really high value in life that was just slipping away?? How could they just let it all slip away and not do anything about it? Didn’t they value their children at all? Their happiness? Their security and safety in the world? How could they not realize how their inability to cope was teaching their kids some really bad fucking lessons about life? Why couldn’t they just get the fuck over it already?

Which makes me sad . . . that the failure of their marriage really did completely wreck them for life. My father recovered for a bit after my mom died. I guess he felt like a huge burden was lifted. I remember that he lost weight and he became much nicer. We ended up having a really nice relationship for 2 or 3 years. But, then something snapped in him again. I’ve recently begun to believe maybe he saw some of my mom’s old traits in me. After watching him so consumed with hatred toward her all my life, it’s not a stretch to see him feeling negative emotion toward me.

Now I feel guilty . . . I feel guilty that I never saw all this before. I feel guilty that I never comprehended just how derailing the failure of their marriage was. I feel guilty because I was very excited for them to divorce, because that meant no more screaming fights. But, I never thought for a moment that they might actually be sad about the divorce. I was very happy about it; surely they were too? I feel guilty that it never occurred to me that their life plan for a lifetime of happy marriage and family had so completely unraveled.

Which makes me sad . . . because once again, I’m angry with myself for not treating my mom better during our short time together and not seeing how sad she must have been. But I didn’t know how to reach out to my mother. More and more I understand there was nothing I could do to help her. People have to decide to get help and to learn how to cope all on their own. A child can never help her parents, how can a child have any skills to teach their parents? Children just learn all their parents’ dysfunctions. Then, they have to relearn later. My mom died when I was just 22. I’m just learning now how to live well now in my 30s. I didn’t have enough time.

Are my expectations reasonable? Yes, as a child I learned that a big loss can mess you up for life so you had better be very careful. Of course I learned to be terrified of death and divorce and having people get really mad at you.

What is a reasonable expectation now? A reasonable expectation is that I can do what my parents, sadly, never did: reach out and learn how to lose. I can learn. I can get help. I can learn to have even significant, heart-breaking, soul wrecking losses and go on to be happy and even joyful in time. I will not allow a big loss to wreck me or my life. I won’t allow it. I will go on to thrive and be happy and UNAFRAID no matter what happens. Loss is a part of life. It does NOT have to wreck a life.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that my parents’ lives were ruined by the inability to cope in a healthy way with a major loss. The essential pain is that I, too, probably have not dealt fully with all of my own losses in life. The essential pain is that my fear of loss and the subsequent effects have led me to make bad decisions – decisions that may have kept me safe from the risk of loss but that have keep me alone and isolated. And afraid. I may have lost out on a lot because of this fear and these irrational beliefs.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I won’t have to be so afraid of losing in my life. The earned reward is that I can open my heart wider and to more people and things and experiences. I can love more and let down my guard more. I can handle the inevitable losses that we all face, plus perhaps some really unexpected and shocking losses, and never have to worry about ending up like my parents. I can make more decisions from my heart and not my fearful, irrational head. I can experience so much more of life than I ever dared to before.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . that I found Laurel Mellin’s stuff on cycles. I feel so grateful that I have all of you to motivate me to get better every day so that I can help you to get better every day. I feel so grateful that Todd is at the beach right now so I can wail and cry and yell all I want tonight. I feel grateful that I am going to work through this and be free of even more fear that I didn’t even know I was harboring so deeply. I am so thankful that I’m going to be free.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that, even though I’m still bawling, I know that I’m on my way. I feel happy that I didn’t wait another day before I sat down and worked this cycle. I feel happy that I’ve finally got this all out in the open, where I can now debate and work with my fear of loss in a conscious, rational way. I feel happy that I’ve proven to myself that I will NEVER LET A LOSS DERAIL MY LIFE. AND, I NO LONGER HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO LOSE.

I feel secure . . . that I’m on my way to conquering this fear and finally learning how to cope in a healthy way with loss. I feel secure that everything is going to be just fine.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I decided to push myself to sit down and do this cycle, even though it would have been much easier to just turn the TV on, or even to reply to some blog emails. I feel proud I chose the most important activity this evening. I feel proud that I am a very capable and creative and spiritually growing individual – I am strong and getting stronger every day. I feel proud that I am creating a wonderful life with lots of love and courage and daring. I feel proud that I’m smiling and calm right now. Even though it’s been awhile, I did this cycle just right!

More on Coping.org

This site is really amazing. If I were to imagine the perfect online resource for recovery, Coping.org would be it. I've added it to my list of coaches (left hand margin), because I really think it could be a powerful recovery tool. It's got lessons and homework -the 2 critical components to creating lasting change. The only thing missing is accountability. Perhaps I can be the pest to push you all to do the work ;-)

Check out just a FEW of the many lessons available to you:

Tools for Personal Growth

Tools for Relationships

Tools for Anger Work-Out

Tools for Handling Control Issues

Tools for Healing the Inner Child. This one has self-forgiveness and getting in touch with feelings, which are both very important for you all!

In my opinion, if you are really dedicated to learning how to recover and how to create the life you are meant to have, I would begin at page #1 of the Adults' Tool Box on the coping.org home page, and I would read every word, answer every question, and complete each exercise. This is the best resource I've seen yet.

Cycle on hopelessness

So, it’s time to do the cycle I’ve been promising. I came up with a list of some typical 2+2=5 beliefs that we bulimics may have complete faith in – if only subconsciously, and I let you choose which one most resonates with you. Turns out this one “won” by just a hair:

#5   If I fall behind or make a mistake, I’ll never recover. This makes me think of what I observed in my mother: she just got further and further into poverty, isolation, and despair. I still don’t know how she could have dug herself out had she survived. This makes me very afraid of making mistakes or risking too much.

I’m really glad you picked this one, since I need to do a cycle on it for myself anyway. The educational CD I’ve been listening to this week asked me to consider my 3 greatest fears and what I’m doing every day to overcome them. Turns out that this is definitely one of my 3 greatest fears. My others are 1) regret and 2) circumstances of overwhelm where I have so much to do that I end up feeling panicky and paralyzed.

I believe that my fear of somehow making a mistake and not being able to recover is my absolute greatest fear. In many ways, it’s a fear of hopelessness – that once things become “hopeless,” I may as well lie down and die. That sounds awful, huh? I guess for much of my life, I was always just on the brink of hopelessness, but there was always SOMETHING for me to hold on to, besides the ever present, but horribly unappealing, option of suicide. Ugh. You can see how this fear definitely clouds my interpretations of the world in very bad ways. I’m sure it’s still affecting me, my feelings, my decisions in subtle, unconscious ways. Let’s use a cycle to get to the bottom of it, fight it’s irrationality with clarity, and get rid of this old emotional garbage . . .

Thinking Journal: As a child, I felt like my family (my mother, my sister and I) were always just on the border of hopelessness due to our poverty. My mother may, in fact, have been beyond hope. She was a chain smoker even though she suffered with emphysema and could really not afford her expensive habit. I tried my best to get her to stop – I tried educating her; I tried begging her; I tried being mean to her; I even used my health as a weapon to make her feel guilty enough to quit. Since I was allergic to the smoke, I was sick an awful lot. But, she continued. She couldn’t keep a job for whatever reasons, so we stayed completely dependent on my father’s child support checks, which never came on time and sometimes didn’t come at all when he was in a bad mood or trying to manipulate us or whatever reason he had. I lived, even as a child, knowing that just one problem could send us over the edge into that dark place where there was no escaping from. If the car broke down, if I got sick again, if mom’s bad teeth started bothering her again, if one of us had an accident, it would all be over. We would get kicked out on the street; my sister and I would have to go live with my father (I would have run away for sure if they tried to force that upon me); we would have to give up our dogs; I would have to quit school; we would lose the car; we would end up in a shelter somewhere downtown; Leslie and I would end up uneducated, angrier than we were, and probably end up in jail or dead of the cold in a gutter somewhere. I would have to watch my mom die an even slower, more painful death than she was now, with her cigarettes, regret, and desperation. I remember when my mom died, I believed (though certainly didn't like thinking about it) that it was probably good that my mom died because she was so far into poverty, poor health, and bad circumstances, that there would be no way for her to catch back up. And, the rest of her life would be just awful.

I’m feel angry . . . I feel angry that I truly believed it would be better for my mom that she died! I feel angry that I had to live with such fears all the time as a child. I’m angry that we lived so close to the edge. I’m angry that my mom continued to do nothing to help us out. I feel angry that the tub was sinking! I feel angry that the electricity and phone went off regularly! I feel angry that the damn car was always breaking down on us when we seemed to need it the most! I feel angry that not once she did demonstrate any creativity in solving any of our problems. I feel so hopelessly angry that not once did I see her actually solve ANY of our huge and growing number of problems! I feel so hopelessly angry that I learned that problems don’t get fixed – they just breed other problems. Once problems creep up, you’re doomed.

Which makes me sad. I’m so sad that mom couldn’t cope with all that was on her plate. I’m so sad she had all these growing problems to deal with all on her own, except for her 2 angry, whiny daughters who offered her no assistance whatsoever. I’m also so sad that she did nothing to make me feel safe. She did nothing to alleviate the persistent pressure on the household. Didn’t she realize how trapped I felt? Didn’t she care? I’m so sad that I learned that I’m not worth any effort to deal with a hopeless situation. I’m so sad that I learned I’m not worthy of effort.

Which makes me mad again. I’m so fucking pissed that my father continued to play games with us, which just made my mother worse. I’m so fucking pissed that he made her spend her precious little energy taking him to court to get our tiny little child support money to keep our heads above water. I’m so fucking pissed that she continued to live in complete dependence on him. I’m so angry that she let us sink deeper and deeper into poverty and dependence and hopelessness, and she did nothing. I’m so angry that I continue to live with this fear long after she died.

But, that makes me sad because I don’t see how she possibly COULD have done better. I was sick all the time, so she had to be able to pick me up from school and take care of me. She had no teeth left in her head, so she had no confidence to go out and look for work. She had no clothes to wear to a decent job even if she did get one. Our car was a wreck and completely undependable. I was scared to have to rely on it, particularly during our severe New England winters; I’m sure she must have been scared, too. And, this makes me sad that I’m STILL unable to see any alternatives she had. I’m sad that I’m STILL unable to see any opportunities and help-lines that I’m sure she could have made use of. I’m sad that I’m STILL unable to think creatively about big problems.

And, this all makes me feel SO incredibly afraid. I know too well how easy it can be for people to get in way over their heads. This makes me very afraid of the unexpected little problems that always seem to crop up when I have the fewest resources (energy, strength, money, help) to deal with them. I feel so afraid since nothing in this life can be totally predictable – except that there WILL be problems and things WILL let you down and I WILL get sick and hurt and things WILL require a LOT of money, energy, and time. I feel so afraid of these things because I just don’t know how I’ll deal with them. I never had a role model of how the hell to climb back out of our holes and make a safe, decent life again. This makes me feel so afraid and alone and vulnerable.

Which makes me sad. I feel sad that I never got to see my mom make things better again. I feel sad that I never got to see my dad reach out and correct the horrible family life he made for himself. I feel sad that I never got to see my sister fix her problems, either. I feel sad that I KNOW I’ll be challenged in my life, but I have absolutely no self-confidence that I’ll find the courage, strength, and creativity to fix my problems and move on. I feel so sad that my sister, too, desperately needed a role model of change. I feel so sad that my sister felt so hopeless in her problems and circumstances that suicide seemed like the only option. I feel so sad that she fell into that bottomless pit of hopelessness. She never saw anyone fix things once they got bad, so she, too, believed it was impossible to recover once you hit a certain point. I feel so sad that we both always lived our lives on the verge of hopelessness and that once you crossed that line, it was all over. And, for her, it was all over just a month and a half after her 34^th birthday.

I feel afraid that I will never have the confidence to tackle the problems that crop up in my life. I feel so afraid that I won’t be able to do any better than my mom (who basically killed herself with her cigarettes) or my sister (who committed suicide). I’m so afraid that I’ll never have the skills to fix my life. I’m so afraid that I will fail. I feel afraid that one day I’ll look up and all my little problems will have grown into a monster that I’m completely incapable of fighting. I feel afraid that I’m going to live the rest of my life afraid of problems that may or may not ever actually happen. I feel afraid that I will let my problems get so out of control that I will end up with no options, no alternatives, other than suicide. And, that alone scares the shit out of me, because I can’t imagine ever actually planning to take my own life. But, yet, I CAN imagine things getting so bad, so hard, so hopeless that I would WANT to give it all up, to end it all.

I feel guilty . . . I feel guilty that I blame my mother for not taking any action. I feel guilty because her inaction allowed me to continue to attend our local schools, which were quite good. I feel guilty because her allowing us to continue to fall behind on the mortgage allowed us a big yard, with our dogs, in a great neighborhood, near our great friends, who were an incredible source of comfort to us when my sister and I were growing up. I feel guilty that had I been making the decisions, the children would have gone to school in the neighboring city which wasn’t as safe, wasn’t as strong academically, wasn’t as good for young kids who have plenty of trouble at home and who need support and opportunities in their neighborhood and school. I feel guilty because I’m angry at her for her decisions, because of all the fear I have now. But, yet, I know in my heart that had we moved, I would have a whole different set of problems. I feel guilty because I know she did the best she could.

I feel exhausted, and I still feel sad. I think I got it all out because nothing new is coming to mind. I’m going on the Limits part of the cycle, so I can begin to climb back up to feeling good:

Are my expectations reasonable? As a child, my expectations that people (at least my mom, my sister, and me) could never recover once their problems got to a certain point were completely reasonable. I never saw my mom fix anything for herself. I never saw anyone “change” themselves or their circumstances. It seemed we were completely at the mercy of our circumstances: whether our car would continue to run, whether dad felt like sending money at time, whether I would sick get again and how sick, whether or not people liked us and were kind to us, whether inflation kicked in or not. If any of these things occurred, our lives would take a turn for the worse and would only improve if our circumstances somehow magically changed themselves. I had no role model for change or growth. I had no role model for thinking creatively or interpreting a problem as a challenge or anything other than a direct threat to our survival. We lived our lives on the edge, blown this way and that by circumstances no one seemed to be able to control. So, yes, my expectations were completely fucking reasonable: if circumstances get really bad, it’s all over and you may as well close up shop and head home cuz there’s nothing you can do about it, buddy.

What is a reasonable expectation now? A reasonable expectation now is that I CAN do something about my circumstances! I can think creatively! I can use my storehouse of resources: energy, money, help from others, and time if I need to make it. I am NOT powerless over my circumstances. I can CREATE a life very far from the edge of hopelessness. I can CHANGE and GROW and CREATE safety for myself. I HATE that line of hopelessness, and I INTEND to get as far away as possible. I will NEVER allow myself to become hopeless! As long as I can think, I can find a solution to whatever problem comes along. I WILL survive, and I will survive well. I will NOT lose hope. I will NOT give up. I will find or create a solution. I can ask for help. This is my adult expectation, and it is reasonable, rational, valid, and CORRECT. I create my own safety. I will NOT be a victim of circumstance any longer. I will NOT fear it; I will NOT cower in its name; I will OVERCOME all circumstance and create the safety I need and want and deserve.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that I learned I was helpless over my circumstances. The essential pain is that I had no role models for change or overcoming adversity. The essential pain is that problems will come up that may frighten me and may seem larger than I can handle.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I will use my creativity to overcome and solve my problems. The earned reward is that *I* will be my role model for change and overcoming adversity. I’ve done it before, and I’ll continue to do it! The earned reward is that I will no longer fear the problems that life will throw at me. I will no longer fear falling over the edge into hopelessness. I will no longer be afraid of falling and being unable to get up.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings of power:

I feel grateful . . . I feel grateful that I had my coach to show me the road to change. I feel grateful that I learned how to do this cycle so I could remove this horrible, ugly, old garbage clogging up my heart and soul. I feel so grateful that I have so much more time in my life in which I will be fearless and powerful and strong. I feel so grateful that every day I trust myself more and believe in myself more and feel safer in my own care. I feel grateful to feel this feeling of safety in my own care.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that I am only 35 (almost 36!), and I have so much more to look forward to in a life free from this fear. I feel so happy that I am stronger today than I was yesterday. I feel so happy to have you to share this all with. I feel happy to have the opportunity to see you learn to feel like this.

I feel secure . . . I feel secure that this trash is out of me, and now all I have to do is tend to the sore spot left by this little surgery. I feel secure that this particular 2+2=5 belief is now powerless over me.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I did this cycle today, even though I had to shut my office door and get it done in the middle of the work day. I feel very proud I prioritized myself and my purpose over my day job. I feel very proud that I said, "I’m worth this time, and I’m taking it for myself!" I feel very proud that I opened up to myself like this. I feel very proud that I could trust myself and feel safe enough with myself to let all the garbage come tumbling out without judgment, censorship, denial, or shame. I feel proud of my growth today.

Major cycle on my "value" and worthiness for healthy meals

I had another great experience using Laurel Mellin’s process last night. She actually calls them cycles. It seems a great name to me since her full process will take you down deep into the messy gunk of old, hidden emotional garbage, then it takes you through it, and back up to a place higher and brighter than you were before the cycle. Plus, you gain a clear vision of what you keep doing wrong, why, and what you need to do (behavioral changes) going forward to keep in balance and to honor yourself and your heart. I want to share it with you. Also, I haven't been doing the "Is your expectation reasonable?" part entirely correctly. Here, I will do it correctly.

One part of the process I haven’t been doing very well is called a “thinking journal.” This is the best way to begin the cycle – the best way to begin taking out the emotional garbage. The thinking journal is just thinking (or talking) about the situation – the one that is causing you a problem or concern or something from the past that you want to deal with. You stick only with the facts, no feelings at all. You wait for the feelings to mount, and when you can’t take it anymore, you go right into the feelings part of the cycle (I feel angry that . . ., I feel sad that . . ., etc.). This works great for sharing in a blog cuz I have to explain the situation to you. I need to tell you what was going on when I decided I needed to do a cycle. I’m going to include my thinking journal with you from now on.

Note: this entry is very emotional. The depth of my emotion actually took me by surprise since I was just planning to repeat the cycle I did last night. But, I got really into it - even more so tonight than last night. I would like to think it's cuz my mind since last night has been subconsciously working on digging up and disposing of all related memories and beliefs. I promise you, although I get ugly in this post, by the end, I feel great and optimistic and full of love. I'm not entirely sure HOW that happens, but it's truly how I feel. Tomorrow, I'd like to begin thinking about how to get you all involved interactively in learning this process with me . . .

Here we go:

Thinking Journal: Last night, I was on my 5^th or so trip to scrounge around the kitchen when I began to realize how much it sucked! When Todd is gone and not cooking me dinner, I go right back to my old eating ways – not binging/purging, but grazing all night. I realized last night how when I graze like this, I never feel satisfied, I never eat very well, and I keep interrupting what I really want to do cuz I’m still hungry. I don’t like to cook and I don’t like spending money on food, so I scrounge around the cabinets and deepest recesses of the fridge and freezer to find stuff I can either heat and eat or just stick in my mouth. Last night, throughout the night, I ate handfuls of nuts, several slices of pepperoni, cheese, left-over popcorn I had made the night before, a small bowl of ice cream. Yeah – all crap. And, I’ve still got 3 nights of this before Todd gets home. I decided to do a cycle to figure out what the hell my problem is and what I can do about it. This is about how it went:

I feel angry that . . . I feel angry that I can’t eat a normal meal when I’m alone. I feel angry that I spend the night scrounging for crappy food that isn’t really good for me and still leaves me unsatisfied. I feel angry that when I’m alone I don’t seem to want to take care of myself. I feel angry that I’m too damned lazy to prepare a healthy dinner for myself. I feel angry that I’m too damned cheap to buy myself healthy food. I feel angry that I worry I may never be able to take good care of myself food-wise when I’m alone. Which makes me sad . . .

I feel sad that . . . I feel sad that I don’t take better care of myself food-wise. I feel sad that I make myself scrounge around like this. I feel sad that I don’t seem to value taking good care of myself when I’m alone. I feel sad that I’m lazy and cheap when it comes to food.

I feel afraid that . . . I feel afraid that I’m always going to be like this. I feel afraid that if things don’t work out with Todd that I’ll be doomed to eating crap (and not enough of it) for the rest of myself. I feel afraid that if I eat like this for too long, my natural cravings for meat and hot foods will make me binge. But, I’m afraid if I cook myself a nice dinner like Todd does, I’ll binge on that, too. I’m afraid that food still has control over me. Which makes me feel guilty . . .

I feel guilty that . . . I feel guilty that I’m supposed to be totally recovered not just from bulimia, but from binge eating as well as my depression, anxiety, anger, and other emotional issues. I feel guilty that I don’t take better care of myself when I’m telling my readers that they have to take care of themselves. Which makes me angry . . .

I feel angry (it’s totally ok to keep going around the feelings part of the cycle as you get deeper into the muck – as long as you continue eventually into the Limits part of the cycle) . . . . I feel angry that I never learned to value myself enough to take the time or spend the money to prepare myself healthy food in a meal-size quantity. I feel angry that my father never valued me enough to spend money on good food for me when I was young. I feel angry that he forced me to eat cheap crap that I hated instead. I’m furious that if I wanted orange juice, he would only let me have it once a day in a very small juice glass. I feel angry that if I wanted a piece of cheese, he would make me put it in a sandwich so I wouldn’t eat too much of the expensive cheese, and then I wouldn’t want to bother so I would just stay hungry. I’m angry that we never had enough money for anything so I began considering healthy food a luxury I couldn’t afford. I’m furious that I learned to be the good child by not eating much cuz food was expensive. I’m furious that I, who didn’t eat, was treated well, while my sister, who insisted on eating – even if we only had cheap, unhealthy crap available- and (of course!!) got chubby, was looked down upon. I’m so fucking angry that I devalued myself so much in order to please my parents, and it never fucking worked anyway.

Which makes me SO sad. I’m so sad that I got bulimia so I could still eat in secret but still be considered the good child. I’m so sad that my sister said, hell no, and she ate the only crap we had available and got fat. I’m so sad she was treated so horribly in life that she killed herself. I’m so sad we never learned to value ourselves more. I’m so horrified that I learned I wasn’t worth the time or effort or money to be fed, to be taken care of, to LIVE.

I’m so scared that I’ll never learn to value myself like I should. I’m so scared that I’ll never respect or honor myself enough to spend money on good healthy food or take the precious time and energy required to prepare it, eat it, and clean up afterwards.

And, of course, I feel guilty cuz I wasn’t the perfect child anyway. I gave up trying completely with my mom cuz she didn’t have any resources available to meet my needs – no money, no energy, she was barely there cuz of her bipolarity and all the meds she was on. So, I was only angry and mean to her all the time. I feel guilty cuz I continued to debase myself with my father desperately trying to get him to value me and spend his money on taking care of me. I feel guilty that I'm still obsessed with money - like spending money on me will prove that you love me or something. And, I feel guilty cuz I refuse to spend money on myself - what does THAT say? I feel guilty cuz apparently I’m still living my life trying to please SOMEONE else so they’ll look at me and say, “wow, what a good, generous, sweet person you are. I’m going to take good care of you and love you.”

Holy shit. I was crying buckets about 2 minutes ago. Right now I’m feeling calm, but I’m still fully in the emotional muck. I’m going to go on the Limits cycle to forgive myself and learn what I need to do to change my bad habit. By the way, I got so much more into it tonight than I did last night . . .

Are my expectations reasonable? When I was a child, my expectations were perfectly reasonable. My father clearly disliked when we ate expensive foods (cheese, orange juice, fresh fruit), and preferred that we ate crap (chips, ice cream, McDonalds) or nothing at all. Luckily I didn’t see my father too often. But, as a child, it was perfectly reasonable that I learned that eating was bad and too expensive for our family. In my mother’s home, we barely ate meals. We were left to fend for ourselves. That’s how I picked up the habits (that I still have) of scrounging and eating things like frozen peas, uncooked noodles, uncooked oatmeal. I went to college very poor, and not eating or eating crap (I practically lived on bagels) was not only a good idea, but it was fashionable as well cuz thin women always seemed to be treated better socially. In college, I was flat out with working, studying, trying to have a social life, that spending time (in addition to money) on food shopping and preparation seemed WAY too extravagant. Cooking was for the kids who didn’t have to work to put themselves through college. So, yes, my expectations were reasonable then.

What is a reasonable expectation now? Now, I’m an adult. I have a good salary and plenty of money saved up. After work I have plenty of time to shop, prepare meals, enjoy them, and clean up after. I cherish my mealtimes with Todd. So, a reasonable expectation is that I will learn to shop and cook healthy, balanced meals for myself. A reasonable expectation is that I will value myself enough to spend the money, make the time, and make the effort. A reasonable expectation is that I will do this beginning today. I will plan good meals for myself up through Friday when Todd returns home, and I will follow through.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that I learned that I wasn’t worth time, money, or energy. The essential pain is that I’m going to have to make the time, spend the money, and expend the energy to take care of my food needs.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I get to make healthy meals that I enjoy. The earned reward is that I will no longer be dependent on Todd to take care of this part of me. The earned reward is that I know I’m valuable, worthy, and important, and I will always take care of my own needs, no matter what. The earned reward is that I will be happier, healthier, and in balance.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . I feel grateful that I have learned Laurel Mellin’s process because I’m taking out very old, very hidden crap that is still making my life difficult and painful. I feel grateful that I no longer will devalue my needs for good food and healthy meals every night, even when I’m alone. I feel grateful that I have the money, the time, the energy to do this for myself.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that I’ve solved another riddle about myself! I feel happy that my life is going to change so significantly after just these 2 cycles! I feel happy that I can share all this with you – and I know YOU, of all people, will understand. I feel so very happy that I’ve forgiven myself completely for my bad habit, because it was based on very reasonable expectations I had as a child growing up in my particular family.

I feel secure. . . I feel secure that I will never again disrespect or devalue my need –my RIGHT- to balanced, healthy, hot, home-cooked (Michelle-cooked!) meals again. I feel secure that my new plan won’t inspire me to binge because it’s what my heart wants and needs – a well-balanced, well-portioned, satisfying hot meal.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I just removed some very old crap that I didn’t even realize was a problem until I asked myself, “why do I scrounge like this every night when it makes me unhappy??” I feel proud of myself for realizing a very bad, old habit I had learned as a child and stopping it right now. I feel proud that I made myself a great meal of broiled salmon and peas tonight, and tomorrow, I’m having chicken, broccoli, and a small potato. I’m proud to say that I am satisfied and haven’t gone back into the kitchen once tonight! And, I'm proud that I've demonstrated to you that with this process, you can go really far into some very scary emotional distress, and come right back out of it - all on your own - as long as you stick with it.

Getting unstuck - what do I really want?

So, again, I’m struggling with working on the book. It’s frustrating me because now when I’m alone is the perfect time to focus on it. While I was hiking the dogs yesterday (I did the WHOLE walk instead of taking short cuts like usual – I did this because I knew I wanted to feel proud of myself), I did Laurel Mellin’s process on it. I also did my own meditating on it last night. And, it seems like I have found my heart’s answer some layers of fear and denial and a bit of ego. What do you think?

This is how my process went with Laurel’s stuff. Remember the first section is pure, raw emotion – no filters and in most cases – no logic, no reason, no rationality. It could be complete nonsense in the real world – but our emotions are often irrational. That’s ok. This part of Laurel’s process is very often irrational – and by allowing it to just be free-flowing, once we’re done spewing our fears and irrationalities, we can see for ourselves how we are setting ourselves up to feel really crappy about ourselves and our world by subconsciously buying into the irrationality. The process is wonderful because we let it all out, and only then do we look back and acknowledge – wow, I’ve got some really nutty expectations for myself! How silly! People often end up giggling at themselves afterward. This takes away all the power of our silly fears and self-doubts and ridiculous expectations of ourselves  - which is almost always the downfall of a bulimic.

The thing I really want to learn and accept here is that there is always a TON of crap going on internally when you’re “stuck” on something – be it writing a book, forgiving a friend or family member, asking out a cutie, signing up to learn something new, beginning a project, whatever. It’s never as simple as it “should” be, because we are complex creatures – there’s old garbage and fears, irrational beliefs, ridiculous expectations, etc. Only by bringing it all up to the light can we begin to fight the old crap (even if we laugh it away) and really begin to decide what we truly want and how to best go about getting it.

So here goes – I don’t judge my raw emotion, please you don’t either. Just come along for the ride and see how I get transformed . . .

I feel angry that . . . I feel angry that I’m stuck on my writing. I’m angry that I promised I would have work for the publisher to review by now (actually by last month). I’m angry that I’m not disciplined enough to just sit down and write what’s already there in my head! I’m angry that once again I’m wasting this time while Todd is gone. I’m angry that I feel guilty and frustrated.

I feel sad that . . . I feel sad that I haven’t delivered what I promised to the publisher (who is the sweetest, most supportive and encouraging woman – and ex-bulimic herself) that I would deliver this time – I’ve let her down before. I feel sad that I’m letting myself down. I feel sad that I’m letting my readers down – the blog has become second to the book, and if I’m not writing the book, the blog certainly isn’t writing itself. I feel sad that Todd is probably sick of hearing about all the work I plan to do, and then I end up watching TV. I feel sad that I’m probably losing his respect.

I feel afraid that . . . I feel afraid that if I screw up with this publisher again, no one will ever want to work with me again. I feel afraid that I’m going to lose my readers because I keep over-promising and under-delivering. I feel afraid that even if I do get this book done, people will hate it. I feel afraid that I really don’t know how to teach others to recover from bulimia. I feel afraid that I’ll do more harm than good. I feel afraid that professionals and doctors will ridicule me. On the other hand, I feel afraid that no one will even read it or will just throw it on the heap of other marginally helpful self-help eating disorder books. I feel afraid that I’m going to spend so much of my life, my energy, my love on this, and then I’ll be disappointed or emotionally wrecked at the outcome. I feel afraid that if I continue to let time go by, I will forget the details of recovery that people really need to know. I’m afraid that if I stop working on the book, it’s only because of my lack of discipline – not because it’s what my heart wants.

I feel guilty that . . . I feel guilty that I over-promise and under-deliver. I feel guilty that I don’t have the energy needed to really be supportive to my readers. I feel guilty that I’m just not disciplined enough to even just begin writing. I feel guilty that I have this whole week to write, but I’ll wait until Todd is back and insist on staying alone in my room writing when he wants to hang out and do stuff together. I feel guilty that I have tons written on paper but I can’t seem to just sit down and type it all in! I feel guilty that I don’t even insist on using my lunch hour at work to get some stuff done. I feel guilty that I’m so undisciplined. I feel guilty that I’m letting my blog slip – and that makes me afraid that I will have lost all my readers by the time the stupid book is done!

Once again, this is the point where you will feel at your lowest and bought-in to the irrationality, so you have to make sure to keep going through the Limits part of the process . . .

Are my expectations reasonable? No. My unreasonable expectation is that I can be super, 100% efficient with my limited time all the time. My unreasonable expectation is that I can do everything and balance my 4 spheres (professional, relationships, spiritual, and personal) as well as I want to without something slipping. My unreasonable expectation is that I even WANT or NEED to be hyper-efficient to get everything done. My unreasonable expectation is that everyone has to love my ideas. My unreasonable expectation is that I have a tight deadline and have to get the book done immediately (I actually have no deadline at all). My unreasonable expectation is that my priorities will never change and that what seemed like the right pathway for my life a year and a half ago is the absolute correct path I must continue to follow. My unreasonable expectation is that I have to be perfect.

What is a reasonable expectation? A reasonable expectation is that I need to sit down, take a hard look at my “free” time and what my priorities are now. A reasonable expectation is that I will do my best to maintain balance among the 4 spheres – even if that means I have to let something slip for now. A reasonable expectation is that I do have a lot to contribute to the field of self-help bulimia recovery, even if it doesn’t change the field and bring recovery to every bulimic. A reasonable expectation is that my blog brings me a lot of satisfaction and love when I am dedicated to it. A reasonable expectation is that focusing on both the blog and the book will put me out of balance because of my limited free time. A reasonable expectation is that having a book published would be very cool and exciting, but it is not necessary to do good work or be a fulfilled person. A reasonable expectation is that I can work on the book in a second-hand way by focusing on writing good material in my blog.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that, yes, if I were more disciplined, I could probably get the book done AND write my blog AND stay in balance. The essential pain is that I simply don’t have the desire to push myself very hard on the book. The essential pain is that I have to accept and forgive myself for my limitations and my priorities.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward of focusing on writing for my blog rather than my book is that I will get more good feelings from the immediate feedback and support and ideas from my readers. The earned reward is that I can stop feeling guilty and fearful. The earned reward is that I will get lots more good writing done without the false pressure on myself.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful that . . . I feel grateful that my day job has become more fulfilling, so I can take my time deciding how I really, honestly want to spend my future (keep bulimia recovery as a side mission or a full-time career, for which a book would be very important). I feel grateful that Todd really doesn’t care one way or another if I write a book or not – as long as I’m happy and he gets some portion of my time. I feel grateful that I’ve learned this process of Laurel’s to help me quickly and easily dig out all the crap that used to paralyze me in confusion and obsessive thinking, even after learning how to hear my heart.

I feel happy that . . . I feel happy that I’ve finally come to a rational and heart-felt honest decision about the book – it’s going to be a low priority that should never again come before my blog writing. I feel happy that I’m writing this and sharing it with my readers. I feel happy that I had a good, relaxed night last night alone. I feel happy that I’ve accepted the fact that I cherish balance over pushing myself too much in one sphere.

I feel secure that . . . I feel secure that I’m going to waste less and less time in my life as I get better at quickly uncovering the often irrational crap that paralyzes me from time to time. I feel secure that I will get better at staying in balance as best I can and continue to feel happy with my life and my decisions. I feel secure that I’m going to get some good blog writing done with ease this week – because I already have good stuff I wrote for the book, I’m just going to type it up and share it (for free, rather than in a purchased book) with my readers.

I feel proud that . . . I feel proud that I’ve learned this new tool of Laurel Mellin’s, and I’m proving to myself and hopefully to my readers that it works wonders! I feel proud that I know now that I can do good work without a book of my own. I feel proud that I got myself unstuck.

Exercise #3: Success Journal

This one is short & sweet and is done at the same time the Checklist is done. The best time is at night before going bed, hopefully when it’s quiet, you’re feeling calm, perhaps tired.

As you go through your checklist, you’ll hopefully be thinking about the successes you’ve had today – the baby steps you’ve taken, the risks you’ve taken, the good feelings you’ve had, the things you got done.

Exercise 3 is just writing down 10 of these successes, including how you felt about yourself at the time. Just a short sentence or even a bullet point is fine, although you should add enough detail so that you’ll be able to remember the details months later. This is when you take time every day to acknowledge and honor all the great stuff you do every day that makes you feel proud or happy. They can be small, but there has to be 10. This works well with the Checklist cuz the Checklist gives you your priorities for things you want to do each day. If you do at least 10 things on the Checklist, you have 10 success stories to tell. Of course, I bet you’ll find that you have a bunch of success stories that you didn’t even assign to yourself.

The Success Journal is also a good time to write down 3 challenges you’ve faced, like when you had trouble fighting off the negativity or self-doubt or when you were triggered. Your challenges will help you learn the things to avoid or be proactive about going forward. Remember, when you feel triggered, it is always because you are 1) not honoring your Core Values, and 2) you aren’t trusting yourself to figure out how to deal. Figure out where you went wrong that caused you to feel triggered. Remember that it’s OK that you don’t fully trust yourself yet – that is exactly what these exercises are intended to do – help you to get there! I also invite you to write to me with your challenges –perhaps I can shed some light on what’s going on with you.

Keep your Success Journal on the same page(s) as your Daily Checklist, and begin a new file (if you do it electronically like I do) each week. Keep each week together, and then you can look back later at how far you’ve come! Plus, as the weeks go by, your Checklist may change as risks you assign yourself lose their fear for you or you find new areas you want to work on.

But that’s it for Exercise 3! I’m actually going to be on vacation for the next week. I know, it’s kinda unfair that I finally get these exercises posted, and then I’m not around to help you with them. I probably won’t have any access to the Internet while I’m gone, but I’ll get back to you as soon as I can once I get home on May 15.

I love you all!

Exercise #2: Your Daily Checklist

Finally, it’s time to work on your first version of your daily checklist! This exercise was so important to my recovery that I’ve been feeling nervous about teaching it to you all. But, because it’s so important, I’m pushing myself through my fear and here we go . . .

It’s one thing to LEARN that we have bad habits of perception and interpretation and incorrect and unhealthy beliefs. It’s quite another to begin CHANGING those habits. This exercise, done with commitment 6 evenings per week, will:

·          Help you grow in self-respect, self-admiration, and self-trust as you live each day in alignment with your Core Values,

·          Give you guidance for all your daily decisions, big and small, to help alleviate anxiety and self-doubt,

·          Help you abandon your bad habits and strengthen new healthy habits in line with your true priorities for your life,

·          Help you take risks and baby steps each day in the direction of your goals and dreams,

·          Enable you to look back on each day with satisfaction and pride at all your small (and sometimes big!) steps forward,

·          Help you achieve balance among your priorities,

·          And, most importantly, provide absolute PROOF that you really ARE the person you most admire, respect, and trust!

THE EXERCISE: Develop Your Daily Checklist (version #1)

Step 1: Take 4 sheets of paper and label each with one of these realms: Personal, Spiritual, Professional, Relationships. You can find background on these here.

Step 2: Get out your list of Core Values from Exercise 1. Write down on each paper the Core Values that support each realm. Feel free to add more CVs, if for example, you didn’t list any CVs for your professional realm. Remember that each realm is important for a balanced life; make sure you take time to address each.

Step 3: If your lists are very long, underline or highlight the 5 or so that are most important to your heart.

Step 4: Next, we will list daily and weekly activities to strengthen your good habits that support your Core Values. Write down your ideal behaviors – what behaviors would you really admire and respect in someone else? Make sure your checklist reflects only what is deeply meaningful to your heart – not what you think SHOULD be meaningful to you. Include a goal in terms of time: do you want to do this activity every day? 4 days per week? 1 day per week? 1 time per month?

Step 5: Be as creative as possible here. Don’t let your head chime in with any negativity like, “This list of activities is too long. I’ll never be able to accomplish these every day” or “my coworkers/family/friends will think I’ve gone nuts.” These lists are to make you feel good about you – not to make others feel good about you. That attitude will keep you sick, I promise.

Let me help . . . (the below are just ideas to get you thinking creatively)

If Family is a Relationship CV of yours, but your current family relationships aren’t good, write down tasks that will at least let you feel proud of yourself for reaching out. It doesn’t matter at all if they don’t respond or even if they respond poorly. You need to do this to honor your heart. And, you need to prove to yourself that you can respect and love yourself completely – regardless of how others react. Some ideas to consider: commit to calling up mom every week; commit to saying something nice to your sibling(s) everyday; commit to giving gratitude to your father once every month for something you learned from him. If you simply can’t connect in person (like me, for example, you’ve been disowned or separated by death), then set a timeline of tasks to be able to COMPLETELY and sincerely forgive a family member who hurt you. You get bonus points for this since Forgiveness is a Spiritual CV, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone!

If having a Career you love is a Professional CV, commit to researching your field(s) of interest for a half hour every day or 3 hours per week (whatever words best with your schedules) to find new ways of making a living in a field you enjoy. Commit to reaching out to someone in that field once a week to see what you can learn from them. Commit to reading a new book about your field(s) of interest every month to learn as much as you can about the field and how you can make it work for you. Commit to developing a timeline to make a transition into the field –even if you begin doing it part time or have to take classes - even if it will take a long time.

If Recovery is a Spiritual CV of yours (it won’t be forever – remember this is just your first checklist), commit to being dedicated to this exercise 6 out of 7 days per week for the next 3 months. Commit to filling out your checklist 6 out of 7 evenings per week. Commit to reading a new inspirational book (not necessarily a recovery book) every month. Commit to reading my blog everyday (I’ve committed to myself to writing a new post 5 days per week, except when I’m on vacation later this week).

If Improving Your Health is a Personal CV of yours (it should be), commit to eating a well balanced diet everyday. Even if you digest just small amounts of each food group and take a vitamin every day, commit to it. A bowl of raisin bran will get you protein, dairy, fruit, and whole grains all in one shot! Commit to getting a small amount of exercise every day, even if it’s just taking the stairs up to your office every morning or taking a long dog walk. If you don’t have a dog, ask to borrow one from a neighbor or volunteer at a shelter. This way you can meet a Personal and a Spiritual goal (Giving of Yourself) at the same time!

If you want feedback, please just email me your list of CVs and your draft Checklist. It’s totally understandable that this could be a difficult exercise without assistance – you still don’t trust yourself to do it in the best way for you! Just make sure to give your email a descriptive title so I don’t mistake it for junk mail! I’d be happy to give you some more ideas and make sure you’re on the right track.

Be very careful not to let any negativity into your work. Everything has to have a positive, self-respecting and self-supportive tone. There should be nothing about weight and body size or shape in your Checklist! You can only include activities around improving nutrition and activity. You cannot, for example, include, “I will lose 1 pound a week” or “I will eat no more junk food.” You know that doesn’t work. Plus, I’m recovered, and I eat junk food almost every day – I just eat it in small quantities. I don’t want to give that up. I enjoy it, and I believe you will, too, someday. No restricting, no setting ridiculous expectations. Do this with love and compassion like you’re doing a checklist to give to your child to help him/her grow in self-respect, self-admiration, self-love (of course, your real child would have very different CVs, but I think you can get what I mean).

Forcibly shut out any negativity, fear or judgment. No, you won’t be able to meet all your goals every day. That would be “perfection,” and our ideals of perfection keep us mired in addiction. Success is meeting 75% of your goals 75% of the time. You should always give yourself a day off every week (be consistent). On that day, put your list away as a gift to yourself or as a holiday, and for that one day, make your decisions around that. My day off quickly became Sundays in the Spring of 2005 when I just read inspirational books, lounged in the pool, napped with my dog, and watched a movie at night. I reveled in all the good work I had done all week.

My updated Checklist is available for you to download here. But, use it only for reference. Your top CVs and mine are bound to be very different. Your Checklist needs to be very unique, reflecting the unique (but beautiful, valuable, needed!) person that you are!

One last point – Exercise 3 is another daily exercise that works together with the Daily Checklist, at the time you're filling it out every evening. I’ll post that tomorrow. For now, just get to work on compiling your Checklist.

My Top 3 Core Values

As I promised in yesterday's post, Exercise: identify your Core Values (please read that one first), I'm going to share my top 3 Core Values. Of course, I have a ton of others that are very important to me and that I consult with regularly to keep myself on the right path for me, but these are the top 3. Don't let mine interfere with your finding your own . . .

It is said that consulting with your top 3 Core Values will never fail to guide you to the right decision for any problem. If a path is out of alignment with any one of your 3 top values, choosing that path will not end well for your spirit. You can be assured that you'll feel good later about decisions made in this way, because you'll know you did the best you could.

So far, I have seen this to be very true for me. My top 3:

• Independence (socially, financially, emotionally)
• Peace (of mind and body, inwardly and outwardly)
• Compassion (for myself as a growing and yet imperfect human being, and for everyone else since we all struggle with our own particular fears and perceived limitations)

What are yours?

*Update on 8/16/06: I learned the hard way that Honesty needs to be another of my top Core Values. If I'm not being honest, it's because my fearful head thinks it's trying to protect me. But, when my head starts making the calls, it shuts down my heart, which shuts down my creativity, my passion, my energy. I'm now longer inline with my Core Values, so I begin to suffer. A good clue that I'm out of line somehow? I stop writing in my blog for more than a few days at a time. Yes, I might be on vacation or unusually busy, but very often (looking back, this is true) I'm allowing my head to make the decisions, not my heart. Read more about my revelation in the fifth section of this post.

Exercise#1: Identify your Core Values

This exercise was the foundation for my recovery . . . I'm doing it again; please do it with me.

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In this exercise, you will brainstorm a list of the characteristics and principles that are the most meaningful to us in a profound way. These are not the values that we’re taught by our parents, schools, churches, or peers. These are the values that we were born with or that become significant to us during our own, unique journey. As we grow in awareness of, acceptance of, and respect for our unique Core Values, we grow in confidence that we will always make the right decisions that will leave us feeling proud and fulfilled in our lives.

One way to do this exercise is to imagine an individual that you would really admire, respect, and trust under any circumstances. Describe all the traits that he or she exhibits.

Really dive into your heart in this exercise. Don’t be pressured to write down what you THINK you should value. For example, my coach kept pushing me to spend more time with friends in my recovery. It seems social relationships are considered therapeutic or even essential by therapists, counselors, and others in the mental health fields. And, in fact, I used to feel guilty, uncomfortable, and a lot of anxiety over the fact that I honestly preferred to be alone most of the time (unless it was a party – I love parties!). I adopted the “value” that being a loner was bad or unhealthy or just plain weird. When I pushed myself to spend time with friends, however, I almost always felt dissatisfied or even annoyed – unless, of course, I was drinking heavily. Just hanging out with friends, shopping, talking on the phone, whatever, hasn’t appealed to me since I was in high school. After some debate, my coach finally dropped it about how I should seek out more time with friends.

Other common “values” that I personally don’t value at all include shopping (I do it only when I need something), my appearance at work (no makeup, my hair is always in a ponytail, I wear pretty much only one pair of shoes, for ex.), socializing at work (my coach kept bugging me to go out to lunch once a week with co-workers), getting out of the house (I love being home), religion, helping my fellow man (I much prefer animals), or exercise.

Below, I’ve brainstormed a list of Core Values that may or may not apply to you. Since I wrote the list, I probably missed a large number of your valued characteristics. Go through the list and then do your own brainstorming. Develop a list of your own. It may be a bit redundant, as I’m sure my list is, but don’t be nit-picky. Just let the words flow out of you. The list can be very long or very concise.

When you’re done, go back and underline or bold the ones that are most important to you. Then, go back once more and pick the THREE characteristics you admire most, are the most heartfelt and most significant to you. Move them to the top of the list. I’ll post my own top three later.

The person I would most admire, respect, and trust above all others in any circumstance would be:

Calm

Patient

Peaceful

A mentor

Happy, joyful

Religious, faithful

Satisfied with her life and/or the world around her

Forgiving of herself and others

Able to easily let the past go and focus on each new day

Compassionate and understanding of others’ limitations, dysfunctions, ego

Able to allow others to be who they are; non-judgmental

Supportive of others’ beliefs, goals, and ideas, even if they are not in line with hers

Completely unattached to people, events, things, a particular opinion of how things should be

Gentle

Able to allow life to flow as it will

Accepting of the things she cannot change

Trusting of herself above all others

Respectful of her mind, Core Values, body

Courageous, particularly during uncertainty & unpredictability

Self-confident, self-secure that she can handle whatever comes along

Smiling and laughing a lot

Honest and open

Able to take risks toward her dreams every day

Able to try new things: adventures, perspectives, foods

Able to suppress ego in every decision, every act

Able to say “no” to anything that doesn’t serve her

Able to say “yes” to anything that might serve her

Decisive: she easily chooses the path that is most in line with her Core Values and her goals

Feels safe: not held back by fears

Independent: financially, socially, spiritually; doesn’t need anything from anyone

Optimistic: sees the upside in everything

Creative & resourceful: uses alternative perspectives to find solutions to any problem

Thankful, full of gratitude and appreciation for all things

Loving and kind to all, no matter how they treat her

Content and peaceful when alone and in a crowd

Proud of all her daily achievements: big and very, very small

Able to follow her heart in all decision-making

Generous and giving of herself regularly: her time, her attention & energy, her money

Energetic

Looking to meet new people, learn from them

Looking to learn and grow and change for the better every day

Careful with her body and health

Careful of her appearance

Bold & daring

Well respected in her job

Well respected in her community

Indulgent in dreaming of what she wants for herself; believes in her ability to achieve those dreams if they’re important enough to her

Thoughtful and considerate with others

Able to honor others easily and abundantly with love, respect, kindness, encouragement

Able to thoroughly enjoy and be thankful for all she is and has; she never compares herself with others;

Fulfilled

Close with lots of friends

Close with her family

Close with only one trusted friend

Close with one significant other of the opposite sex; a partner

Busy with lots of activities

Not at all busy with activities

Reading an inspirational book

Out socializing

Seeking out challenges

Appreciating when things are easy

Outdoorsy

Artsy

Sophisticated

Politically aware/involved

Most interested in helping:

children

animals

the environment

seniors

homeless

recovering addicts

poor women

immigrants

?

Kill the bad stuff & replace it with good stuff!

My coach, Matt Beucler of Extraordinary Living, was the first to explain to me that I had learned a lot of unhealthy, negative beliefs about myself and my place in the world, and these led continuously to damaging thoughts and behaviors.  Of course, these negative beliefs have become VERY deep-rooted by age 34.  What I would have to do is identify ALL the negative crap, KILL IT, and REPLACE IT with healthy, positive, loving beliefs and thoughts. 

Matt had me do a very good exercise to help me do this.  He actually had me think very deeply about a situation that made me feel crazed and ultimately resulted in a binge and purge.  I reenacted and re-felt the whole scene deeply in my head and my heart.  He asked me questions about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and what I was doing, and he wrote down everything I said.  Then (after walking briskly around the building a few times to calm down), he had me tell him good stories successes and exciting, happy experiences in my life.  He had me reenact and re-feel those scenes deeply.  Once again, he asked me questions about how I was feeling, what I was thinking, and what I was doing, and he wrote down everything I said. 

The outcome is that we took my most disempowering beliefs brought out by a stressful and uncertain situation I had experienced and found the opposite, empowering belief from a wonderful, happy situation I had experienced.  My most meaningful empowering beliefs are now written down on cards I carry in my purse, my car, and my desk at work (I will post the whole card later).  I read them with as much emotion as I can muster 5 times each, 2 to 3 times each day.  If I’m having trouble deeply believing them, I just go back to the original stories I told my coach, when I actually, truly felt and exhibited these healthy beliefs.  You will need to do this, too.  But, you can use my work to help you get started.  Once you’ve read this page and done your own work, never go back and re-read your disempowering thoughts – you’re done with them, and it’s time you forgot all about them.  OK?

Disempowering Feelings	Empowering Feelings
Anxious Frightened Stressed out Worried Disappointed Pressure Panicky Sadness Fear Depressed Rage	Courage Proud Excited Powerful Creative Daring Free Safe Rewarded Loved and accepted Patient Strong
Disempowering Behaviors Binging Purging Withdrawing Panicking Getting angry Imagining bad events/telling myself bad stories that upset me Grinding my teeth Chewing on my lips til they’re bloody	Empowering Behaviors Running with my dog Playing with my dog Laughing Singing Sailing Rollerblading Eating sushi with friends Sitting in the sun at a café with friends or my dog Reading inspiring books or watching inspiring TV (like Extreme Makeover – Home Edition)
Disempowering Thoughts  I feel overwhelmed This is more than I can handle I’m going to fall behind, and I won’t be able to catch back up I’m disappointing him (them) I feel out of control I can’t think straight There is nothing I can do It’s too late I’m doomed I resent that! I don’t trust you; what are you up to? I gotta get outta here I can’t break the habit I’m freaking out I don’t know how to calm down I’m completely alone If I screw this up, it’ll all be over I can’t go on I don’t have enough energy for that I can’t do that; I’m incapable I give up I don’t know what to do or which to choose	Empowering Thoughts  I am so proud of myself I did a really good job! I’m psyched about this! This is so cool! I took good care of myself today Everything is going to work out fine Everything has always worked out fine Once I start something, I always finish it I’ve always been rewarded for my work and effort I’ve always been rewarded for taking a risk I feel energized I can do that! I accomplished a lot today I’m a little closer today to my goal This is so much fun for me! I can fix this with a little creativity I asked for help and got it done fast I’m feeling very sweet today I’m feeling very happy today I feel free and safe
Disempowering Beliefs  I am unworthy of anyone’s help or time I’m not worthwhile I can’t do anything right on my own I’m helpless over my circumstances I’m so weak I’m so ashamed I’m gross; I’m a mess I’m so screwed up in the head My life is out of control and there’s nothing I can do I can’t stop from freaking out I don’t know how to be happy Dreams are a luxury I can’t afford Nobody wants to deal with me or my problems I always disappoint them and myself I’m a freak I am beyond help I can’t cope with anything I can’t function without my medicine If I go under, I won’t be able to come back up I screw everything up If I can just do this right, then I will be happy & my life will be great I hate getting my hopes up I don’t know what’s right or wrong I know you’re trying to hurt me I’m scared of failing, so I’m not even going to try I hate you! I don’t know what I want I feel so empty inside I’m so lonely all the time, even when there are people around	Empowering Beliefs  I have a lot to give I am very proud of all my accomplishments I am proud of how well I’ve done in my life so far I am worthy of love and acceptance My strength overcomes adversity! My daring and creativity break through obstacles I’m good and I’m getting better each day I am very resourceful I take great care of me I am learning to calm down quickly and easily I refuse to let failure rerail me, I’ll just be more creative this time I won’t give up until I succeed My wants and dreams are valid and worthwhile I’m strong and courageous enough to accomplish my goals I want and deserve to be happy I want and deserve to be healthy I am very excited about the new life I have earned and deserve I am free! I made it! I am safe! Since it will make my life more meaningful, I will accomplish it!  I am affectionate, loving, and nurturing, and that’s good enough! I give my love and kindness freely and abundantly I care for and nurture my body and soul like a mother would her child! I release my guilt, fear and anger quickly and easily I am responsible for my thoughts, my actions, and my circumstances I choose to seek out happiness, peace, and prosperity I have made a life for myself that is safe, secure, and open to all the happiness in the world! If it will enhance the quality of my life, then my momentum and energy will be self-sustaining! I deserve time to relax and rest When I first take care of my needs, I can better take care of others’ needs I’m at peace I’m happy

First exercise for Bulimia Recovery

This was a great exercise I had to do for my coach.  I bet my “emotionally distressing things” are a lot like yours.  But, you should try to write down all the things you habitually do and think that make you unhappy or uncomfortable.  Think about why they’re problematic and how different you would feel if you didn’t do or think these things.

This exercise forces you to think very negatively for a while. But, don’t get discouraged by the size of your list or all the depressing things you’re forced to address here. In subsequent exercises, we’re going to work on killing the bad thoughts and beliefs and replacing them with healthy, positive thoughts and beliefs. It’s hard to believe that we can address all these things at the same right, right?  But, we can and we will – my coach has shown me how!  And, you’ll find, like I have, that all these issues begin to diminish in frequency and intensity as soon as you commit to putting in the effort, the consistency, and the emotion to get better.

Use your list to motivate you to want to change! 

The downward spiral: think bad, feel bad, do bad

CHOOSE TO INTERRUPT THE PATTERN YOU’RE STUCK IN!

The upward spiral: think great, feel great, do great

What emotionally distressing things must I stop doing?	What is this costing me?  What is this worth to me to change?
Stop being bulimic!	This is costing me too much time and energy and money.  It keeps me nervous and near home cuz I never know when it’s going to pop up it’s ugly head demanding immediate, all consuming attention. It makes me afraid to do anything too risky for fear I won’t be able to cope without it. It hurts my teeth and my body. It is the number one barrier to having a real family of my own. I would do anything (and pay $14,000!) to be able to eat well, and occasionally very badly, and not beat myself up for being “out of control” or being a pig.
Stop being so anxious and stressy!	I worry about everything. I grew up knowing that if I got myself into trouble or made a mistake, no one would help me except for me.  It made me very frightened to take risks or move forward with anything that requires me to make a decision. I waste a lot of time and energy on stress. This drives my friends nuts because I make them worry about stuff that never would have entered their minds. I get everyone around me anxious. I imagine all the awful things that could happen – not the wonderful, exciting, fun things that could happen. I would give anything to feel confident and courageous and that my decisions are sound and I’m capable of handling whatever comes my way.
Stop telling myself bad stories!	When I perceive that someone has wronged me (like bumping into me or cutting me off when I’m driving), I take it very personally and get irrationally angry & upset. I make up stories in my head about all the awful things that could happen.  For example, after getting cut off, I’ll drive recklessly to cut them back off (for real). Then, I get stopped by the cops for my dangerous maneuver, my uncontrollable rage kicks in, and I get thrown in jail with a ridiculously expensive ticket and court proceedings (all made up in my head). These scenarios are limited only by my imagination, which is really adept at devising horrible ways of torturing myself – cuz I’ve been doing it as long as I can remember!  This habit is responsible for probably 90% of the upset and anger in my life. I am desperate to let all the little irritants of life just slide off my back, with hardly a notice at all.
Stop my rage!	I get irrationally, uncontrollably angry very easily. Then, I put myself in very dangerous positions. I consider myself lucky that I’m still alive and in one piece. This embarrasses me and makes me more angry at myself. It frustrates me that I know I’m out of control, but I don’t know how to calm down. And, once it happens, I agonize and beat myself up about it for a long afterwards. I would give anything to be able to feel pain when appropriate rather than covering it up with irrational rage. I wish I could feel that my pain is valid and ok.
Stop my panic attacks!	It’s been a long time since I had one of these, thanks only to my medication, Celexa. But, I plan to go off it this year, so I’m so scared they’ll come back. Panic attacks are very frightening, and nothing but time can calm me down. They frighten and upset those around me, because it so irrational and there is nothing they can do. I would give anything to feel safe and calm enough that I could get through a bit of discomfort without freaking out.
Stop getting depressed!	This costs me all my energy and enthusiasm for anything. This is a downward spiral all by itself. When I’m depressed, I don’t feel like doing anything. If I push through by sheer will-power, I end up resenting whom or whatever forced me to do what I didn’t want to do. If I refuse to anything but mope, I feel I’m disappointing everyone (including my dog) and that they’re getting sick of my issues. That makes me feel even worse and encourages me to withdraw completely so there’s no pressure either way. I would give anything to be able to just STOP the downward spiral and move on!
Stop withdrawing when I’m upset or worried or depressed!	I’ve learned that my stress or depression makes others uncomfortable and angry, so it is my first instinct to go away and deal with it by myself. But, withdrawing keeps me alone and keeps me from connecting with other people. It’s costing me good relationships with good people that would add a lot of value to my life. It keeps me from learning I would give a lot to be able to have good friends that I trust will not judge me or dismiss me.
Stop avoiding and refusing to consider any hopes or dreams!	I always thought that hopes and dreams were luxuries I couldn’t afford. All I could do was keep working hard and maybe things would get better. But, these false beliefs are costing me a beautiful life that fulfills me and makes me happy. This is costing me my enthusiasm and excitement for each day. This is dooming me to a life I barely survive – not live and enjoy to it’s full potential. This is opening me up to a life of regret and disappointment. I would give anything to have dreams that make each day worthwhile, to make me feel my life is valuable and worthwhile.
Stop chewing my lips!	This makes my lips red and raw. They look ugly and must feel ugly to kiss. I look ugly when I’m chewing on them, as well. Plus, it’s bad for my teeth. It is another self-abusive coping mechanism that, apparently, I’ve been relying on more since I stopped binging/purging. I’m not going to stress too much yet about quitting this, but I’m working on being more aware when I’m doing it.
Stop grinding my teeth and storing all my stress in my back!	Grinding has worn down my teeth, and it has given me lock jaw. Now when I eat, my jaw cracks a lot. It’s so annoying to me and to others I’m eating with. I don’t think there’s anything that can be done about it at this point. But, I would give anything to feel calm in my body so I don’t grind my teeth or get my back all tied up in knots like it generally is.

Gaining Some Control Over Bulimia

As I read other blogs by young women struggling with bulimia, I am heartbroken at how out of control and desperate they’re feeling. I remember when I felt the same way –through college and a few years afterward. And, although I continued to be bulimic for another 6 or 7 years after that time, I never felt quite the same chaos, agony, and despair again.

I want to share with you some strategies to help you feel more in control of the beast.

1) I developed and committed to the rule that if I'm eating in a social setting like a party or get-together, I will not under any circumstances purge it.  That's been a great rule for me for 2 reasons:  1) it proves to me that if I do eat too much on occasion, I will not die nor wake up as a huge blimp, and 2) it keeps me from running away from social events to purge.  And, that keeps me in the social setting, which I find to be much healthier (usually) than being home alone with my monster.  This rule will help you get some relatively easy “successes” under your belt as well.  And, always remember to celebrate each success, no matter how small.

2) To control wild cravings, let yourself have small amounts of “bad” food that you really enjoy.  A little bit won’t hurt you.  I know, if you have a little bit, you’ll want more.  Yes, there is some risk in that, but in my experience, it’s much riskier to put all your trust in pure will-power to avoid a binge. Plan to do this with friends, partly because of number 1 above and partly because you’ll have more reason to just eat a small amount rather than binging. For example, I’ve been having a craving recently for some good, old fashioned, deep fried Chinese food. I really don’t want to binge, so I know that I certainly can’t go by myself.  I invited my boyfriend to go with me next weekend.  We’ll share a few different things, including something really “bad” and something not so bad at all, so that I can take care of my craving without worrying about an all out binge.  Yes, maybe I’ll eat a bit too much, but I know that that won’t kill me –I’ll just be more anal about what I eat for a few days after.  And, if I let him take all the leftovers, I’ll be safe. This approach will also help you learn more about portion control, how to stop eating when you’re full, and it will get you out socializing with friends.

3) Stop feeling guilty for your bulimia!  You are not responsible for how you came to be like this.  You ARE responsible for learning to take better care of yourself.  But, you should NEVER feel guilty. Enough said.

4) Learn to calm yourself whenever you begin to feel stressed, anxious, angry, or even just bored. Don’t wait until you feel a binge coming on – that’s probably too late at this stage in the game.  Remember that bulimia is our way of coping with strong emotions we don’t YET know how to deal with.  This tip is the first, easiest way to begin to reduce the intensity of those emotions that lead us to binge & purge . . . slow, deep breathing.  If you’re having trouble slowing your breathing, use this trick: hold one nostril closed while you breathe in through your nose, then hold the other nostril closed while you exhale through your nose.  It FORCES you to breathe slowly which will help you calm down; I promise.  I use this one a LOT when I’m driving since driving usually triggers my rage. If you’re not in your car, do the more involved exercise below.  Once you’re feeling calmer, you can then go back to the issue that initially was beginning to freak you out.  In a calmer state, you can use your creativity to break it into little pieces that you can handle much easier and/or you can identify new solutions to the problem.  You’ll overcome this obstacle – you always have – but this time you’re not going to let it overwhelm you.  You can handle it! 

I copied the longer exercise from The Angry Heart, page 103.  I find it helpful to stand up and stretch straight up while doing this; it’s more effective to get the fresh air to all my tightening muscles.  Close your eyes and focus all your attention on your breathing.  Ignore all other thoughts for now. 

“as slowly as you can, breathe in through your nose to a count of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ,9, 10.  Try to make your inhale last until you reach 10.  Try to fill your lower abdominal area with air first, then your midsection, and finally your chest.  Try to really expand your lungs as much as possible.

After you have fully inhaled, hold your breath for a count of 1, 2, 3.

Then exhale slowly to a count of 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.  As you exhale, think “I am calm” over and over again.  Try to see these words light up in your mind as clearly as you can.”

Once you get into a rhythm, you can stop the counting and just focus on your breathing and your calming phrase.  I also like to use “I am safe” or “My fear is fading away” or (a bit longer) “My creativity and my daring will solve this.” I swear this works if you allow yourself the time and space to do it. 

5) Help out someone or something that’s worse off than you.  If you volunteer, most organizations will allow you to contribute in almost any way you wish.  There are soup kitchens, home food delivery to shut-ins, animal shelters, pet adoptions, and all kinds of opportunities to work with children – even just reading them stories.  My favorite has always been working with shelters – walking, grooming, and just playing with the dogs there.  I always feel happier after spending time with animals.  There are SO many options –just try browsing online for something that interests you. The feeling of contributing in a positive way to a group you care about will do wonders for your heart and soul.  It will fill your head with good thoughts and beliefs about yourself and your place in the world.

Then, after you have finished volunteering for an hour or two, you should have something nice planned for yourself to enjoy.  You deserve it, and you have to learn how to nurture yourself in a healthy way.  Get a pedicure, watch a movie, take a nap, read a mindless book, do a puzzle, swing on the swings at the park, take your neighbor’s dog for a walk, lay out in the sun for an hour, whatever makes you feel calm and rewarded.

6) Read an inspiring book or just watch an inspiring show.  I have some great books posted on this site, and I plan to add more as I find them.  And, regarding TV, I love the show “Extreme Makeovers, Home Edition.”  I can’t watch an episode without crying my eyes out.  It gives me so much hope for humanity and reminds me there are wonderful, loving, giving people out there.  We just need to seek them out.  Personally, this show always inspires me.  It makes me want to run out into the world and be a part of something so beautiful.  Watch it once and see how you feel after.

7) This is a silly one, but it really works for me. Watch “AFV, America’s Funniest Home Videos.”  OK, OK, I know this show gets ragged on daily.  And, I should probably be more embarrassed to admit I love this show than to admit I’m bulimic!  But, I do love this show!  It shows humanity in a real, honest light – we’re all clumsy, we all do stupid things, but we can all laugh at ourselves and bring ourselves and each other joy – just by being our silly human selves.

That’s all I can put into words right now.  If you have any other suggestions or tricks that work for you, just let me know and I’ll post them!  Thanks and good luck to you all!

I don’t need you anymore

One of the first tools I found that helped me to see my way out of bulimia was simply writing a letter to it.  It sounds silly, but it really works.  And, I’m sorry I can’t remember right now the website where I found the idea –I’ll be sure to post the URL once I do.  Pieces of my letter became a mantra for me.  The key is that you have to be ready for it – you have to really believe that you don’t need it anymore.  If you’re not at that point yet, please just remember this as a great tool to begin your journey once you are ready.

I’ve included the latest version of my letter below as a sample.  It’s changed quite a bit since the first one I wrote, when it sounded more like I was asking rather than telling it to leave me alone.  Give it a shot, be as rude and angry and downright mean as you want to be. 

My letter:

Dear bulimia.

We’ve been together a long time now.  Too long, in fact. So, I’m sorry to say it, but it’s time for us to part ways. 

I’m ready to live a good life that I’m proud of and in control of.  I want to be happy, calm, and at peace, not anxious that you’ll rear your ugly head at any moment.  I want to have fun and exciting adventures with good people, rather than being locked up at home and miserable with you.  I want to pursue my other goals, rather than spend so much time pursuing you.  I’ve seen the world beyond you, and I want so much to be part of it.  I want more than you could ever offer me.  In fact, you hold me back from all the great things that are just waiting for me out there.  I’ve lost a lot of time with you, and I refuse to lose any more. 

I do appreciate that you were always there for me.  And, I want to thank you for that.  I could always count on you for comfort and to make me feel better when there was no one else around, or I felt lost, or lonely, or bored.  You gave me what felt like power and control when I felt desperately powerless and out of control.  I may not have been able to make it without you.

But, my life is getting better all the time.  I’m enjoying taking the risks that once terrified me.  And, I realize my dreams are worth fighting for.  You see, I no longer need you.  And, I certainly don’t want you.  So, take care and I’ll see ya.