Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Off to Costa Rica for Todd's Bday!

Hi all. I'm sorry I haven't posted in so long. The new job has required a bit of a change in lifestyle. I'm working more, and I have no privacy at the office, so I just haven't found any time or focus to write. But, things are pretty good. I'll do my best to write again when I get back. Todd & I are taking off tonight (2 am flight - yikes!) for a week in Costa Rica. We're staying in Jaco. We plan to surf and eat and drink and hike and read and snooze. I am SO ready! Tonight we're making dinner for our old roomate and his girlfriend who have very generously offered to dog sit for us. Our roommate also invited a couple friends to dinner, so now we've got a bit of an unexpected party going on.

I just wanted to warn you that if you buy a bracelet or write to me, I won't be able to respond to either until we get back next Sunday, 5/18.

I hope you all are doing well.

New job update

Things are getting exciting on the job change front. I have a good chance of getting an offer today or tomorrow. If that happens, I may be giving my 2 week resignation notice this week! I will be dying to do it on Thursday because I want my last day here to be March 13, and that will be exactly 2 weeks. But, then I’ll never know what my annual raise/bonus would have been since those are supposed to be coming out in March.

Do I wait until March to get my raise/bonus or just run? If I am informed of my higher salary in March, then I’ll have better salary negotiations going forward. Of course, it might not be significantly higher. I DESERVE a raise after this hellish year, but every other year at this time, I’ve just gotten the typical cost of living increase, a $2500 bonus, and a stock incentive. The stock incentive will be worthless, but the bonus would be nice . . .

What to do?? I already told the new company that I would be available after the 13^th.

It’s fun and exciting to think about all these possibilities. I enjoy thinking about that moment when I tell my boss I'm OUT! But, what I really need to do is just chill for now because even if they offer me the job today, we might need to negotiate. Then, I would need the offer in writing in hand before I jump ship. So, I may have another whole week before I need to officially give my notice.

I’ll keep you guys posted!

Poor Britney Spears

We just knew it. Spears Taken From Home in Ambulance last night.

Todd and I have learned that when we are kept up at night by helicopters, something is up with Britney Spears. She lives just on the other side of the hill from us, very close as the crow (or helicopter) flies. Ugh. I didn’t realize this until the LAST time Britney was taken from her home in an ambulance. Remember the “stand off” with police when she wouldn’t let her kids get taken to spend time with their father?

I should have known. On Mulholland Drive, for about a mile flanking the entrance to her gated neighborhood, there are always many cars parked and people milling about on the road. It’s the paparazzi. I knew there were stars living around that area, but I didn’t realize it was all about Britney.

I didn’t want to believe this, but even my neighbor, who stopped once to talk to them, told me it’s true: they sit there waiting until they get a call FROM BRITNEY HERSELF telling them that she is on the move and they should be ready to follow her!

It’s nuts. I really feel for that girl. As someone who has battled the crazies, herself, I can really empathize.

I’ve copied the article below in case the link dies.

__________________________________________________________________________

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Britney Spears was taken from her home by ambulance early Thursday and escorted to the hospital by more than a dozen police officers in cars, on motorcycles and in helicopters.

A Los Angeles police officer, who spoke on condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak on the matter, said the 26-year-old pop star was being taken to the hospital to "get help." The Los Angeles Times cited unidentified authorities who said Spears was being placed on a "mental evaluation hold."

Video: Spears rushed to hospital again

Spears was taken to UCLA Medical Center, where her mother, Lynne, was seen leaving its psychiatric hospital at about 5:30 a.m.

When asked by a throng of paparazzi and reporters whether Britney was doing all right, Lynne Spears replied, "Yeah," before leaving in a Range Rover.

Hours earlier, shortly after 1 a.m., the motorcade that pulled away from Spears' residence was nearly the length of a football field. Along with the ambulance, it included police on nearly a dozen motorcycles and in two cruisers. Two police helicopters followed overhead.

The scene was more controlled than the one earlier this month when Spears also was taken away from her home in an ambulance.

On Jan. 3, police were called to her home when she refused to return her two young sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, to ex-husband Kevin Federline, who has custody.

Officers had paramedics haul Spears to a hospital for undisclosed reasons. She was released after a day and a half in Cedars-Sinai Medical Center.

Police also went to Spears' hilltop residence off Mulholland Drive on Monday night after someone reported a swarm of paparazzi trespassing in the singer's gated community. When officers arrived, they didn't see anyone trespassing, police said, but citations were issued for several illegally parked cars.

Spears has been in a highly public downward spiral since filing for divorce from Federline in November 2006.

Her bizarre antics include shaving her head bald, attacking a car with an umbrella and bringing along a paparazzo pal on trips to a courthouse in her child custody case.

New blog design and goodbyes to old friends . . .

Hi all. Have you noticed the new design? It sort of happened accidentally, but I like it, so I’m keeping it. What do you think? I have just a few little issues to iron out . . .

Since my web site died, I’ve been busy cleaning up all the old dead links and references to it. As I go, I’ve been finding that a lot of my old favorite blogs and web sites are no longer available. They’re just gone. No parting words. Just gone. It makes me so sad! I've had to delete the broken links so readers don't get too annoyed, although I feel like I'm deleting part of the history of our little online community. Here are just a few of the sites/blogs I've had to delete:

Assaulted Thoughts

Tortured (Jane) - I think Jane's blog was the first one I found on bulimia 3 years ago!

Miss Blue

Please remind me of who else is gone; I know I've deleted other links . . . I would like to commemorate them and their contributions.

This has made me more committed to keeping this blog alive even well after I run out of constructive things to say. For the years and the days or even the moments when I had something important enough to say to put it up on the blog for the world to see, I want to keep this alive.

Does anyone have a digital copy of "As a Man Thinketh?"

I'm looking specifically for my MS Word version that you may have downloaded from my web site (before it died). I can't seem to find it anywhere. It's a 30 page document that I typed from scratch, so I really don't want to have to do it again!

If you happen to have it, can you email me a copy at michelle@michellehope.org?

I still LOVE that little book, and I want to make it available for free from my blog.

Thank you!

**EDIT: Gu found it for me online. I've already uploaded for you to access for free here. I highlighted my own favorite parts, but it's a Word document, so you can remove all the highlighting.

Working on the blog today . . .

I figured out how to keep my email address, michelle@michellehope.org! Since I own the domain, it's only $10/year to set up and manage the address through my personal Yahoo email account. Yay! That is a huge relief! It's going to take a few days to set up, though, so please continue to use the comments if you want to communicate with me. Many of you have my personal address - you can use that if you've got it!

Next ToDo - figure out how to sell my ebooks and bracelets through the blog.

**EDIT** As of right now, Sunday morning, michelle@michellehope.org is working again! I’m so psyched I figured it out – all on my own.

I can’t figure out why I can’t get http://www.michellehope.org/ to redirect to the blog, as recommended by Gu. It seems like I followed all the directions correctly . . . I even sent an email to webhero to see if there is something they need to do. We’ll see . . .

**EDIT** As of right now, Sunday afternoon, http://www.michellehope.org/ redirects to the blog! Yay! I got a really whacked email back from Yahoo customer service telling me I have to upgrade my service and spend more money to get the redirect. On a whim, I tried it one more time, and it worked perfectly. So, I DID follow the directions correctly (and, I don't have to give Yahoo more $$!). I just had to wait a bit for the change to kick in . . .

Unless my good friend (and Internet guardian angel), Gu, did something to fix it! Gu has helped me with my web problems from afar before!

I also got my few remaining bracelets set up for purchase via the "Recovery Bracelets" photo album or via the bracelet photo link in the top left corner of the blog. The eBook is almost ready to go, but I have to fix the PDF at work tomorrow because I have to remove all references to the web site in there.

Also To-Do on Monday: get all the free downloads from my old site uploaded and available somewhere here on the blog.

Disaster has struck my web site, MichelleHope.org

It's the end of an era. My web site, MichelleHope.org, is dead. The hosting company, webhero or catalog.com or onesite (whatever it's called now), had a serious server crash yesterday and lost a whole bunch of the sites they were hosting. Apparently, the only back up of my site was from over a year ago! It was almost unrecognizeable to me. I am really sorry if you went there and got horribly confused.

I basically would have had to build the damn thing almost from scratch. But, I feel that they screwed up enough for me to be crazy to do that. Plus, the site was up for renewal in early March, and I couldn't stomach giving them a bunch of new money.

So, I cancelled my service and had them destroy the whole thing. It's awful for me to think of people going there and getting a horrible error. But, it had to be done.

Don't worry, my blog isn't going anywhere!

There was one casualty, unfortunately. A wild coincidence enabled Meg to think she was buying my last purple text recovery & wellness bracelet. But, Lindsay had bought it just a few hours before. I hadn't been able to update the site properly, and now I have to tell Lindsay how awfully sorry I am and refund her money. I haven't sold a bracelet since October, but somehow I had 2 people wanting the same bracelet within hours of each other on the exact day my site goes kaplooey! Weird.

Another sad passing: my email address michelle@michellehope.org. I believe it will continue to work until my renewal date in early March. But, its days are numbered. It's dead, too. I will have to figure out a new dedicated email to publicize. I don't want to put my personal address in the blog because I get ENOUGH spam in that account. In the meantime, please use the blog comments to contact me.

I also have to figure out how to begin selling my eBook on the blog. I would LOVE to not have to create a brand new web site somewhere. Is this possible now? I couldn't figure it out when I set this all up almost 3 years ago. Any suggestions?

OMG, I just realized that I'm going to have to remove all the michellehope.org links in the blog. That will be a BIG job. Please bear with me and all the broken links for a little while?

I'm actually pretty excited about this! It's sad that the site is dead, but I never liked having to maintain it anyway. Plus, I've slogged through a bunch of months of drudgery, stuck in a rut without much capacity to make changes since I insist on staying in my dead-end job until mid or end of March (see My job is sucking the life out of me for info on that). But, the spring is almost upon us, and the spring is the perfect time for embracing change! With the loss of my site, I feel like my time of change has begun! It’s exciting! Yes, it’s a bit scary because it’s all so unknown. But, it’s exciting. I am SO very ready for some change!

How about you guys?? Is it time for you to make some changes in your lives at all? Are you ready to shake things up a bit? Run with eyes wide open into the unknown of change and possibility and potential? I am, and it feels great!

Happy New Year!

It’s time for an update!

It’s a new year, and I’ve been missing for too long.

I want to send a special thank you to Gu for continuing to send little notes of support and friendship throughout the holidays and my personal dates of importance in December. How does he remember them all?

I also want to thank my friend, Bridget, over at www.barneybu.blogspot.com for being so patient with me.

On to the update:

Work.

Work was my number one cause of misery when I last wrote. Funny, I STILL don’t have a working system, although the team has continued to promise that it’s just about ready to go! In November, the developers decided they were on the wrong track and redesigned the whole thing from scratch! Luckily, I stopped taking it all personally, so, while it’s still a bummer, I’m no longer frustrated or upset about it.

I’m just tired and bored of it all now. I’m actually going to push to have the entire system removed from my management. Anther team has slowly been taking over more & more ownership, and having me involved makes the process so complicated and messy and error prone. I think it’s ingenious –just because I was managing it before doesn’t mean it’s still the right thing to do. I’m excited to talk to my boss about it. Of course, he’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism!) I spoke with the project manager (who I really dislike, but have been forcing myself to be kind and productive with), and he was totally supportive and was going to talk to the other team about it. Of course, they’ll probably say no. (Damn my pessimism again!)

I’m still hanging in there to get my tenure in mid-March, and it’s not nearly as hard anymore. I may have to stay through the end of March, though, because that’s when we get our annual review. I’m really curious about how I’ll do. And, if I do somehow happen to get a raise (I’m not holding my breath – I haven’t had the most productive year), it will look better taking my higher final salary into negotiations with a new company. I’m feeling better about the upcoming job search, too. I just need to jump in (probably beginning late-February), and I’m sure to get some good momentum and excitement.

My attitude has been really good at work since the new year began. I’ve been nice to people; I’ve gone out to lunch with people; I’ve even agreed to serve as President of my Toastmasters club for another 6 months. Over the last 4 or 5 months, I HATED the job since it was just one more responsibility on my shoulders. I couldn’t wait to be done with it. We really didn’t have anyone else to do it, though, so I reluctantly agreed. I just planned my first Officer’s meeting, and I’m actually feeling pretty good about the job again.

Health.

I had started up my anti-anxiety pills in October as a crutch to help me through the work misery and the holiday misery. If you haven’t read much of my blog, I’ll just say for now that I really don’t like the holidays. Even my boyfriend, Todd, doesn’t really understand the depth of my dislike and anxiety during the mid-December to New Year’s time period. I’ll probably do a post on it sometime.

As I had planned, I stopped taking the pills right after Christmas. I’m happy to report that I’ve been fine so far: no anxiety, no panic attacks. I’m optimistic that I was right about my plan – I just needed a temporary crutch.

A bit of bad news health-wise, however: I had been running 3 times a week between September and November, and I actually really enjoyed it! Shocking, I know! But, then I screwed up my hip, and it STILL hurts – even when I’m just walking! I’ve had to give it up for awhile. I probably won’t even try it again until spring to make sure it heals completely.

Family.

We had a scare with our 10 year old Weimaraner in November. She got really sick with allergies & hives for a few days, so Todd took her in to the vet. It turned out that she had a tumor that had gotten so big she was sure to die within a few months if we didn’t try to get it surgically removed. This was an incredibly rough time for me and Todd. The surgeon wasn’t optimistic that he could do anything, but Todd insisted that he try - Todd even had to yell at the guy to do it. I wasn’t very supportive of Todd in his choices here, and I sure made it harder on him to follow his heart (I was following mine), but luckily he ended up being completely right. We had the surgery, and while that wasn’t fun, our little girl has been healthier and happier than I’ve ever seen her. She’s playful and snuggly and affectionate. She was NEVER very affectionate before. It’s almost like she’s 5 years younger! It was amazing to see how big emotional decisions can really tear at a couple. Thankfully we made it through that challenge. We’re $10,000 poorer, of course, but we made it through, and our baby is happier than ever.

Love life.

Things with Todd are happily back on track in the new year. On top of our struggle dealing with our dog, it was tough on him having to watch me be miserable about my job when there was nothing he could do to make it better. Once I started the pills, I became much better at leaving the stress at the office and coming home happy to see my family. Our dogs were a great help in that since they’re just so happy and silly when I get home. If I take a moment to play with them and receive all the kisses and snuggles they want to give me, I found that it isn’t hard at all to get happy, even after the worst day and commute.

I broached the subject of potentially going away next Christmas, and he was totally open to it. I had assumed that Christmas time was sacred time for him to be with family, but I was wrong. I’m very happy to spend Thanksgiving and New Year’s with his family. But, because of my history with Christmas, I would just really prefer to spend a low key non-Christmas Christmas “away.” Maybe I’ll even learn to look forward to Christmas for the first time in my life!

We have an exciting trip planned for his birthday in May. We’re going to Jaco, Costa Rica! It’s especially exciting because it’s a gift from a couple of Todd’s clients! They’ve been so happy with Todd’s help and support that they bought the plane tickets, we’re staying for free in their condo there, and they even hired a driver to get us from the capital, San Jose, down to Jaco. Apparently, the surfing there is fabulous, so Todd is bringing his board. I’m a bit worried that I won’t be able to pry him from the water to go touring around the country, though!

One more fun tidbit: Todd & I talked about moving closer to his family someday relatively soon. While I assumed we would eventually move down there, I didn’t think he would be up for it until his LA friends started settling down with families & stuff. Again, I was wrong. We even know our first choice town: Solana Beach. It’s way too expensive to buy a home there, but we could pretty easily rent – especially as people get more desperate with the whole housing recession and all. Todd would rent out his house up here in LA, and perhaps we might even break-even financially. The move would be a logistical nightmare because of the house, a new job for me, and our 200 pounds or so of dog we have, but it’s exciting to think about doing it together. It’s just wonderful down there: the air is cleaner, there’s great biking (for me) and surfing (for him), and it’s just so beautiful. I’ve been in LA for over 5 years now, and I suppose I’ve got a bit of an itch for a change . . . Of course, I love our friends here in LA, and I would really miss them. We’re having dinner with a bunch of them at one’s house on Saturday, and I couldn’t be more excited to spend that time with them.

Spiritual life.

I haven’t been writing in my blog, but I’ve been doing something else that is incredibly powerful to me spiritually. I’ve been volunteering with dog rescue groups and one of the LA city animal shelters. I’ll be at the shelter for about 2 hours tomorrow and on Sunday, just going from cage to cage, scratching and petting and talking quietly with the dogs. It’s sad, but it’s fulfilling to know I’m doing SOMETHING to give them a little peace. Being LA, most of the dogs are pit bulls. Many are beaten up. Most will be put down. All of them press themselves so hard against their cage bars to get closer to me for a little bit of love and attention.

That’s the update for now. As you can see, it's been a challenging time. Luckily, I'm through the worst, and I'm optimistic for the future. I’m going to slowly get back to writing more regularly, but please don’t count on too much personal advice if you write me an email. Trust me – if I’ve ever had any words of wisdom on recovery, they’re probably already written here in the blog for you. Just read it.

My job is sucking the life out of me

Hello all my friends. I'm so very sorry that I've gone missing for so long. And, I'm even more sorry for not responding to your emails. You've written asking for help and if I'm ok. I'm ok. But, I admit I'm struggling.

My eating is fine, actually. Don't worry that I've had a horrible relapse or anything.

But, my job has taken a terrible toll on my energy, my outlook, my attitude. It's been an absolute disaster at my job. I can't get into discussing it in detail right now. It's taking me a lot of energy to just write this much. But, trust me. It's really bad.

I alternate each day between walking out and never coming back, and wanting desperately to stick it out until mid-March. Mid-March is my 5 year anniversary at my company. At that point, I become fully vested in my 401k, receive a bunch of unrestricted stock, and become enrolled in the pension. All of this means a lot of money just waiting for me. If I can make it that long. Plus, if I can make it that long, I rationalize, things might be totally better. And, during this time, I'm getting training (and very valuable new job skills) on SAP, our new computer system that has actually made my life such hell since August.

I've been working on my resume and cover letter, getting ready for what is probably inevitable. But, I've lost a lot of self-confidence and motivation. I feel like I was set up to fail, and no matter how hard I tried, I’m doomed to fail. Yes, I said “tried” not “try” because I’ve given up fighting. I’ll continue to do what I can, but I don’t want to fight anymore. It’s been killing me. But, not pursuing what I feel is right is also killing me. I can’t figure out a middle path. And, it makes me so sad to think about leaving this job. It’s been pretty good to me all these years. I’ve enjoyed it. I’m not sure I can believe that I’ll find something I like nearly as much. I feel a sense of loss, too – even though I’m still here every day. Everything has taken such a dramatic turn, and there’s no going back to the way things were.

As time drags by, I’m thinking more and more about just leaving, even though it’s kind of like shooting myself in the foot to leave voluntarily when I could be learning all this great stuff in the next few months and getting an extra chunk of cash at the end of it. But, mental and spiritual health are so important! I’m just so afraid that I won’t be able to pick myself back up again anytime too soon if I do that. I’m afraid I’ll end up crawling into bed with depression.

I’ve thought about going back on my anti-anxiety medicine, but that makes me sad, too. I was doing SO great without it before all this started! I don’t want the side-effects back! But, I admit that I’ve been having lots of mini-panic attacks in the last couple of months since things got bad at work. Mostly at night. I’ve found the best way to handle them is to get out of bed and walk around until they pass. But, I would prefer to not get them at all.

I’m not going to let the blog go. But, in the near-term, I probably won’t be responding to emails or writing new posts. After struggling through 45 hours of this awful job, I just don’t have any energy left to give to you right now. I’m really sorry, everyone. I just wanted to let you know what’s going on.

With love & regret,

Michelle

One year ago today . . .

I just realized that it was exactly one year ago today that I first wrote about Laurel Mellin’s The Pathway (see point #4 in the post)! Thanks again to Yvonne who was the one who told me about it! See what you did?!

New Fighters in "Fellow Fighters" section

I FINALLY added some fellow bloggers that were really overdue for getting links on this blog. I don’t know how I could have NOT linked to PTC! I’ve been reading her for well over a year and LOVE her.

And, I’m finally getting caught up a bit on reading everyone’s blogs. I’m amazed at how much good work some of you are doing with therapists and on your own. I may have to revisit my old bad opinions about therapists as a whole. I can see how much many of you are growing from working with them.

I also can’t believe how many NEW blogs there are out there! I would need a whole week to check them all out and get to know the writers. I’ll try.

One last thing I've found: people are visiting and getting to know each other OFFline! That's absolutely amazing to see the real friendships and companionships that are blossoming from our blogs! It's beautiful.

If you would like a link on my blog, just send me an email or leave a note. I will only link to people who are ACTIVELY working to recover -either with a professional or by themselves. If you’re not taking any action to get better, I can’t with good faith link to you here. I support risk-taking, learning, growing, ACTION. Trying and failing miserably is good, too, as long as you keep picking yourself back up and trying again or trying something new.

Back from Ithaca, NY

The wedding turned out to be really nice! It rained our first night there (Thursday), but the weather just got better and better as the weekend went on. Below are just a few photos to show you the beautiful day and the beautiful setting.

I showed Todd my tiny little hometown and the house I grew up in (it sure looked a lot better than I remembered it!). And, we did a good tour of Cornell, where I went to college. We ate a lot of ice cream cuz it's cow & dairy country there. And, we drank a good amount of wine, too, cuz, believe it or not, the fingerlakes region of NY is pretty good wine country. I think the Rieslings are the best, but the whites in general are better than the reds.

It was fun seeing my best old friends, but boy, are we all so different now! The two who had kids since I last saw them were never big dancers, but they liked to occasionally get a little silly. This weekend, they still enjoyed good conversation, but that's it - no dancing, no singing, no being silly. That made me a little sad as the bride would have really enjoyed having them up and dancing with the rest of us. Oh well. The photographer got a couple WILD shots of Todd and me dancing. Hopefully, the bride will send us copies someday.

Here is my baby in front of an OLD building of some kind. I never did find out what it was or its history.

This is a view of the back of the inn and the tent where the reception was held.

This is us on the deck of the inn just before the reception. Look at the sky!

Gone this weekend

I'm heading out tomorrow for the wedding of one of my best and oldest friends in the world! I'm taking Todd along so he can meet her and my other 2 oldest and best friends in the world. I'm so excited. PLUS, 2 of these friends have had babies since I last saw them a couple of years ago, so I get to meet my new "niece" and "nephew." PLUS, the wedding is in Ithaca, NY, where I spent a lot of the happiest parts of my childhood on my father's houseboat and where I went to college.

It's going to be an awesome time.

Of course, the weather this week is just like I remember it: lots of rain and thunderstorms. Oh well. It'll feel like home, anyway!

Good stuff from the archives . . .

From one year ago this week:

Good quote on love

The Wisdom of Insecurity & Uncertainty

From two years ago this week:

Thinking Positively

Volunteer gig tonight, a reader from Qatar, and thoughts on why bulimia is so universal

** I edited this post after I wrote something in a hurry at the end that bothered me all night. **

Hi all. Things have been super busy for me lately. Tonight, I'm volunteering at this gig: In Defense of Animals- Africa: Born to be Wild. I've actually been the volunteer coordinator, so I've been really busy helping the event organizers. Plus, today was my first meeting of the Warner Bros. Toastmasters where I was the President. Yes, yours truly is the President of the club for the next 6 months. It's a little stressful, but by the end of the term, I'll be SO much better at leadership, thinking on my feet, and speaking in general.

It's actually amazing how much MORE energy (nervous energy put to positive use??) I've had since I stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds! And, while I've got a lot on my plate, I haven't gotten overly stressed or anxious at all. It's been an awesome upward spiral for me.

I also want to recognize my first reader (that I know of) from Qatar. Michelle (what a beautiful name she has!) lives in Doha, the capital, of this tiny country adjacent to Saudi Arabia:

 

As you can see, Qatar is in the very middle of the Middle East. It's surrounded on 3 sides by water. I bet it's quite beautiful . . .

Why is bulimia so universal? I thought it was only a problem in image- and money-obsessed cultures like the United States.

As I mentioned to Michelle, it still amazes me how bulimics tend to feel so alone and isolated, but yet, as my map of readers shows (bottom left-hand side of the blog), people all over the globe struggle with it, completely regardless of culture and society and media. That's so frightening to me. I guess it's because the human condition and so many human responses are universal. Persistent or frequent circumstances like trauma, helplessness, chaos, injustice, pain, and victimization are universal. Many responses are also universal: fear, discomfort with uncertainty, confusion & doubt, regret, panic, self-judgment and comparison to others, attachment and need. Habitual responses like these make bulimia very appealling and very addictive as a way to calm down, to find peace and sanctuary and clarity for just a little while. The physical response to it is the same no matter who we are - we all have the same biology.

Luckily, we humans have other responses we can actively choose (once we learn how and actively, consciously practice them a lot until they become habit): optimism, hope and faith, calmness, flexibility, courage to bear and to change, creating sanctuary inside ourselves no matter what our external conditions may be, gratitude, creativity & determination to create change, integrity, empathy, forgiveness, detachment from expectations and non-necessary "needs," acceptance & allowing, tolerance, and core values to always guide our decisions even in very unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations.

I learned and made habit (although perfectly, of course) many of the responses in the last paragraph, and you know what? I recovered and am currently living better and more joyfully than I ever thought would be possible for little, messed up me. I can't implore you enough to work hard on learning and actively choosing positive, helpful responses like these. It may seem like the solution is that you just need to "stop" binging or throwing up. But, until you learn to not get so consumed and paralyzed by negative, non-productive responses that you NEED something to calm you down, you will always need something external (food, alcohol, TV, work, sleep) to calm you or help you suppress and avoid dealing with your upset. A wonderful mantra to help you focus is the Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Happy Memorial Day (for those in the US)

I'm down at Todd's parents' house for the long weekend. This is the first chance I've had to get to the computer! As usual, we've been super busy the last 2 days. Today, I opted out of our regular morning trip to the beach for surfing and kayaking, so I have some time to get caught up with you.

Each morning, Todd has been surfing, and I've been kayaking. It's been a lot of fun, but kayak-surfing by myself is harder than I thought! Yesterday, I realized that I didn't know how to steer once I was on a wave. So far, it hadn't really mattered. But, one particular wave, I found myself heading right for a surfer, and I couldn't do anything to stop myself! I ended up going right up on top of him in the kayak! I basically landed the boat on his back! I was ready to get screamed at (and, I would have deserved every bit). But, instead, he was very understanding and cool about it. I apologized profusely then headed back out to Todd, and I realized Todd was laughing his head off! I was mortified and horrified, and Todd couldn't stop laughing. That bugger. I said, "yeah, you keep laughing til I end up on top of you! Now, teach me how to steer this @#!% thing!!"

It's been a really nice weekend. Todd's parents have other company staying at the house, too. It's a couple that I've known for almost as long as I've known Todd's parents. They're wonderful people - they're related somehow, but I forget how. I've met their kids and grand-kids, too. So, it's been a full, happy house. We've also seen a lot of Todd's brother, his wife, and their 3 kids. It's such a wonderful and comforting opposite to the family I grew up with and had to deal with unexpectedly last week.

Anyway, I got your emails and comments, and I'll get back to you during the week. It's tough here cuz there are so many people, and I'm typing on a Mac which completely confounds me!

If you don't get a personal response from me, there are 3 reasons, 1) I'm out of town or super busy, 2) your email ended up in the trash bin cuz the Subject looked too much like all the other hundreds of spam emails I get each day, or 3) your question or situation has really stumped me. There is one young woman, Beth, who is living in such chaos and upset, that I really have found no good words for her. So, like many human beings, I really struggle and end up procrastinating. Each one of your notes, however, is very important to me. I read each one about 3 times before I respond (or procrastinate).

I hope you're all doing well and taking time to be thankful for all the beauty around you every day.

Todd's bday BBQ

I guess we've been having too many fun things going on lately for me to be serious about the true nature of this blog. At least I can continue to share with you instead of going missing . . .

Today we're having a little BBQ with a dual purpose: it's Todd's best friend's nephew's college graduation day (that's a mouthful, huh?), and Todd's Bday is on Monday. We're combing the 2 cuz Todd & his best friend's family are all friends, so it made sense.

We're going to continue to celebrate Todd all week. On his real bday (Monday), I'm splurging on a very special dinner for just the two of us. I can't tell you where now, since it's a surprise for him. But, I'll share later. Then, next Friday night, all of Todd's good friends are getting together for another dinner since some of them happen to be out of town this weekend and can't make it to the BBQ.

One exciting surprise is that the pool is up to 78 degrees, completely on it's own. Last year, we had to turn the heat on for Todd's bday. Now, if the fog would just burn off, we'll hopefully be swimming later today. Yippee!

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your sweet and supportive comments you've left me over the past few weeks. It means a lot. You are all just about the kindest, most warm-hearted people I could ever hope to know.

Kentucky Derby Party pics

Since I’ve been gone so long, I thought I’d put up some pics to get back in your good graces!

The first is from our April trip to Hawaii. We only took a couple of photos since we were at the same beach last year.

The next few pics are from Todd’s family’s annual Kentucky Derby party last weekend.

Yes, we look very colorful. Between the two of us, I think we’re wearing every color of the rainbow. And then some. Here are all 4 of Todd's nephews & 1 niece before they got too dirty:

This little girl just floored me:

She looks exactly the way my sister looked at her age. Throw in her little retro outfit, and she could have been my sister’s identical twin. Isn’t she just precious?? Now I’ll have to find a good baby pic of my sister and scan it for you. I almost completely lost it thinking about the twists & turns of my sister’s life from that happy age until she died at age 34. She's standing in front of "The Canty Brothers Band:" Todd and his brother and occassionally their father sing and play guitar, bass, and keyboard. They have a 150 song songbook now, and they're pretty darn good! Plus, this year, they added a drummer to the crew, so it's even better.

We had a great time. I learned that my camera can take mini-movies! This is why you should always read directions, people! I've had this darn camera 2 years, and I JUST learned about it! Check out these 2 little clips of people dancing. I think it's actually funnier with no sound! Todd is singing in the background, and his brother & sister-in-law are dancing with a woman friend (the one with the baby). OMG, we were all too ridiculous!

  Download gettin_down.MOV

This one is of Todd's brother & sister dancing. That whole family loves to dance, and they can really get down. Excuse Todd's arm in the way at the end.

Download tab_tim.MOV

It amazes me and makes me very proud of myself how I ended up part of this amazing family. To think my last boyfriend broke up with me because my mother was bi-polar, and he thought for sure I would end up nuts (MORE nuts than I was at the time?!) or that our potential future children would be nuts. Not to mention that my father disowned me (not a good indicator of my character); my sister committed suicide; I was bulimic and full of rage, panic, and depression for 14 years; and my mom checked out at age 54 cuz she believed smoking was her only pleasure in life. Depressing.

But, the beautiful thing is that I got help, and I learned how to change and grow and become the person I most wanted to be. And, a big part of who I want to be is to be part of a big, happy, loving and fun-loving family where I'm not the black sheep, where I'm enjoyed for who I am (warts & all), where people expect me to be around and part of everything. These are the rewards that make having to dig up the courage to push through the fear of unfamiliarity all worthwhile.

Back from jury duty

I'm really sorry I've gone missing for the last 2 weeks. I've been serving jury duty, and it completely occupied me during that time. It was very interesting, but it also caused me some lost sleep since it was a criminal case, and the jurors basically held the fate of the defendant in our hands.

We finished up yesterday with a "guilty" to a very small pot possession charge and a "not guilty" on a felony crack cocaine selling charge. We all pretty much believed the guy was guilty, but the prosecution failed to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. It's too bad for everyone involved. It was only $25 worth of crack cocaine, but we were in court over it for just under 2 weeks. And, there was really no evidence at all, because the cops thought it would be just an open and shut case. But, you can't put a guy away (potentially for a VERY long time - it was his 3rd strike), with no evidence but one cop saying he saw him doing it over a police camera at 11:00 at night. We couldn't come back with a "guilty" verdict even if we all believed it was true.

What a huge waste.

Anyway, it was a really positive experience. I bonded with 11 other people from all over LA and from very different livlihoods. We had an orthopedic surgeon from Bel Air, a UPS driver from South LA, a Turkish woman who barely understood the language (neither lawyer seemed to be bothered by this at all!), and various other people. But, we all worked hard to communicate our opinions to each other; we all worked hard to understand each others' points of view and opinions; we all were open to changing our minds based on our fellow jurors' words - no matter who they all were.

As we all left (all 12 of us crammed in one elevator), we joked and made each other laugh and feel great - knowing we did the best we could do; knowing we did the right thing under the particular circumstances. It was very cool. I highly recommend you all step up when called, even though it's scary and stressful, and even though you'll be tempted to say exactly whatever it is the lawyers don't want to hear, so you get sent home before the trial begins.

I'm going out to sit in the sun right now. Perhaps I'll do some writing out there. Todd offered to blow up my raft so I could float around the pool (my absolute favorite thing to do on the weekends). I have always done my best writing and thinking out there. So, perhaps I'll have something meaningful for you later. I hope you've all been doing great.

Love, me

First gray eyebrow hair!

Arghh! I just found one gray eyebrow hair! This is a sad moment for me. My head-hair is very gray, but my eyebrows have so far remained a lovely dark brown. But, no longer.

I'm mourning just a bit about this.

*sigh, pout, sigh*

I'm back from vacation!

Hi all! I had a wonderful time in Oahu with Todd and his WHOLE family. I thought there would be 8 adults and 5 kids in the house, but there were actually 9.5 adults! I say 9.5 cuz Todd's uncle was staying just down the street with Todd's cousins, who we stayed with last year. Todd's sister-in-law's mother also came with us. So, we had 2 grandmas and 1 grandpop. It was chaos, but it was really nice.

There was no fighting, no cattiness, no hurt feelings. Everyone pulled together to take care of the kids and each other. We all shared cooking, shopping, cleaning up, and watching the baby. I do think the grandmas got a little abused, however, watching the kids while the parents played! But, Todd says his mom used to pester all her 3 kids all the time about having grandkids, so he says he doesn't feel sorry for her at all!

We got back after midnight last night, and then I had to play with my babies for an hour and a half (I missed them SOO much!), so I'm pooped here at work today. I hope that I can get my pics off my camera and post them tonight or tomorrow. We only took a few photos of us this year, though. Todd's brother has a bunch more. Hopefully, we'll have those next week.

My favorite parts of the trip were when Todd & I took off and went kayak-surfing by ourselves. We went out 3 days. One day the swell was pretty big for our Malibu kayak, and we got flipped over, end over end. I thought we were toast! Other than that fright, it was great fun. Todd is a great surfer, so we caught tons of waves, and I learned a lot about surfing. I hope to get out on a surf board again this summer. This year, I may even try paddling myself instead of making Todd push me onto the waves!

I hope you guys are all doing well. I'll be getting caught up on my sister and brother bloggers later this week.

Love, me

Vaca and update on my "exercise plan"

So, we're finally heading out to Hawaii tomorrow. Thank goodness! I really want a break from my job!

Things didn't work out quite like I had planned (of course!). Since I didn't get any exercise for Dec or Jan, my plan was to be pretty diligent at working out through Feb and March so I would be "ready" for this trip. I kept up my exercise plan until mid-March when other things began happening that took priority. I had an important speech to deal with one week, and the next two weeks? I hadn't told you, but I got pretty bad poison oak again. My top lip swelled up to 3 times its regular size after smooching my poison-oak-covered dog. Ugh. The rest of my body was in pretty bad shape, too! I couldn't bear the pain of working out on top of that. So, I stopped working out.

I got better, but then I just plain didn't want to do it. So, I didn't. It was a frustration to Todd I think because since he gets so much pleasure and stress-relief out of working out that he keeps hoping I'll get the same reaction. I just don't. At least not from the traditional type of "working out" that we do with weights and calisthenics. So, I just plain refused.

So, I'm going to Hawaii with a slightly bigger and flabbier body than I had planned. This would have been a disaster for me a few years ago. But, now I'm choosing to just shrug it off. I'm going to enjoy myself no matter what my body might look like (or should I say, "what I worry it looks like.")

It's funny which physical things I worry about these days. I haven't worried about exercise in 3 - 4 weeks. And, I'm letting my gray hair grow out. We had a BBQ on Saturday (first of the season; yay!), and I had a great time. It was all really nice and happy people and great food and great weather. One friend took me aside and told me that I really needed to start coloring my hair again. The gray is really aging me and taking away from my “pretty face.” But, for some reason, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. So, the gray stays. But, Todd helped me Nair my butt yesterday. Seriously.

Oh well. I’m just going along, feeling my way through my day to day decisions as best I can.

Last week I tried to reduce my anti-anxiety meds a bit more. But, then I stopped cuz I was getting more impatient and testy than I would prefer. I realized that I am a bit stressed about spending a week with Todd’s whole family (8 adults and 5 kids in one house). I know there is no rational reason to be stressed, but I honored it and decided to go back up to my regular dose of 10 mg/day. I’ll try it again after the vacation. It really is amazing how much better I feel on the meds! There is no pressing reason to stop taking it . . . I guess I just want to prove to myself that I can live perfectly well without it – even if I’m not as “perfect” as I can be with the meds.

I’ll continue to keep you posted. I hope you all are doing great. I’ll be on vaca until 4/10. I’ll check back in then. Love to you all!

Cute site I had to share!

You know I'm a dog lover. But, if I weren't allergic to cats, I would be an old cat-lady! This site is just so cute!

The Daily Kitten.

Can't email today . . .

Someone brought in their kid's left-over Valentine's Day candy, and I've eaten way too many Nerds and Tootsie Pops to focus on any meaningful emails to you all. I just love pure sugar candy like this, so I kinda just let loose! My brain is mush. I will try to answer everyone's personal emails tomorrow.

Added more countries . . .

Check out: Countries of my other readers for more readers I've just found (thanks to Gu who showed me how to zoom in!).

Countries of my other readers

As long as I'm recognizing various countries, I can't forget my regular readers. I've been looking for them on the Cluster map down at the bottom of the left hand nav bar. You know who you are!

Here is Croatia. I think I can see my Croatian friend on the Cluster map (I really wish we could zoom in on that map!). **Update: Gu taught me that you CAN zoom in once - just click on the area you want to zoom in on.**

I also think I can see my old friend from Turkey. Here is a map of Turkey:

 

My friend from Colombia lives here:

I have at least one reader-friend from New Zealand off the south-west coast of Australia:

I see my friend from Singapore:

I also see readers from South Korea and Japan, but I haven't "met" them personally yet. Why don't you drop a note and say hello?

I see my friends in Canada and Germany and England and all over Europe. Where are you all from?

You can use this link to find the location of any country on the world map. Just replace "japan" in the link with any country you're looking for. This is a great site - use it to explore this huge (but getting smaller every day) world.

Update: now that I can zoom, I see what looks like a reader in Iran! Of course, it could have been a mistake, but it definitely looks like someone from Iran visited my site. I would love to meet someone from Iran. If it's you, please drop a note to say hello.

 

I see a couple people in South Africa:

And, someone in Egypt!

One reader from Bulgaria! I got an email from her, so I know she's out there. On the cluster map, it looks like she's in Romania, though.

First reader from Saudi Arabia

Today I met my first reader from Saudi Arabia. He is actually a life coach working to help a new client suffering with bulimia (among other problems, I'm sure). I wish him and his client all the best in this life changing (and life-beginning) endeavor.

Since I'm hearing from people from so far away, I decided to add this cool little widget that maps my readers all over the world. It's down at the bottom of the left hand navigation panel. It's only been recording for a couple days, though. I don't see this man from Saudi Arabia on it yet. But, I see my reader from Pakistan. How cool! I'm going to get much better at my geography with this.

Tonight I'm volunteering for "In Defense of Animals"

I'm going to spend this afternoon and evening volunteering for a benefit & fund-raising concert for In Defense of Animals in Hollywood. Paula Abdul is hosting, which is pretty cool. But, other than her, the only other person I've ever heard of at this "star-studded" event is Deborah Gibson - and, she was probably before the time of many of you guys!

But, I'm excited to be giving my time again. I've become very protective of my time since I now have you and my family that are my priorities. I donate money to my 2 favorite charities: Karma Rescue (the woman who helped me find my dog, Maxi) and Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. But, I don't give my time anymore. That's too bad, however, cuz working with these groups and their animals directly is SO emotionally fulfilling - and, at the same time, really sad.

So, I'm happy to be doing something to help out the cause. It doesn't hurt that it's a three day weekend, of course. I'll still have plenty of time to do my own stuff.

Tomorrow, we're taking the babies to the beach in Malibu. Except for the really over-crowded and far away "dog beaches," only in Malibu can you really get away with having your dogs run free on the beach. Hopefully, we'll be able to park in the gated lot at the house the guys rent every summer, cuz last time Todd parked on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) to go to the beach to surf, his car got broken into.

On Monday, I would really like to buckle down and write my last speech for Toastmasters. I've had a very tough time cuz I want it to be really inspiring and motivating and be very instructive. I think the title is going to be something like, "The Secret of Happiness." I will share 3 lessons I've learned through recovery that have been so important to my wellbeing, self-pride, and joy:

1) Gratitude: you just can't be upset when you're counting all your blessings. I'll also share how to be creative in finding even more wonderful blessings that you take for granted and how to give up your relentless attachment to your judgment of how things SHOULD be.

2) Compassion: if you interpret the world with compassion, kindness, and empathy, you really can't get mad at anything. You may not LIKE the choices that others make, but you stop judging, comparing, and being jealous and you begin to allow and accept others just as they are.

3) Giving of yourself: when you share your gifts (talents, money, time, energy) with others, you gain a sense of value, importance, and making an impact on the world. You gain self-respect, see first hand just how needed you are, and you reinforce your appreciation of just how great your life really is.

I have to keep the speech to 8-10 minutes, and I'll have to shorten it to 5-7 if I use it to compete in the upcoming International Speech Contest (which I'm currently considering), so I need to keep it really short & to the point. It certainly can't be all-encompassing. I'll also tell them a story about myself - how I used to be so angry and self-absorbed and self-destructive and panicky before I learned these (and many, many more) lessons.

Actually, I might just go outside right now and work on this. It's a gorgeous day, and all my best writing has been done outside. This is an old photo of me in my favorite place: on a raft in the pool doing some good reading and writing. I do my best thinking when I'm floating around out there. Where is your favorite place?

Two new photo albums

I added 2 photo albums to the blog:

Random cute dog pics

Winter Holidays 2006

I guess we haven't taken too many pics lately. I'll have to remedy that going forward.

Real life

Hi all. I'm still here! Chugging along in life!

I was sick for basically all of January! I had "walking pneumonia" which makes you pretty miserable for a long time. I still have a bit of a cough, but at least I've got my energy back, and I've begun working out with Todd again. I basically pouted for 2 months straight. In December, I pouted cuz of missing my sister and the sadness of the holidays for me. In January, I pouted cuz I was sick and had no energy for anything.

I'm back now, but I'm so busy trying to make up for so much unproductive time. I kept putting off my tough work, so now I'm swamped with unpleasant tasks at work. And, my body is super out of shape, so I've been trying to get in as much exercise as possible. I'm going with Todd and his WHOLE family to Hawaii (Oahu) for a week over spring break, so I've got motivation to tone up and lose this damn cellulite that appeared out of nowhere these last two months(!). We do our old workout routine for about 40 minutes (30-35 minutes -I guess we've gotten efficient) after work, then we shower and have dinner, then we take the dogs out for about a 20 minute walk. After that, we watch a movie, and it's time for bed.

We've also got a little home improvement project going on at home. Todd has finally committed to tiling 2 of the bathrooms in his house. Currently, there is some very nasty (sorry, babe!) carpeting in there - and that has GOT to go! So, Todd and I are sharing a bathroom. It's funny, but I realize just how spoiled I am having my own bathroom (I still rent a bedroom and bathroom at the house, remember). It's HARD sharing a bathroom! And, I'm definitely no girly-girl. I don't do makeup; my hair is up in a pony-tail every day for work. I like my privacy, though. When I'm in there, the door is closed. I'm not into sitting there doing my business while he's in the room. I'll post some photos when the work is done. They're going to be beautiful!

This past weekend I was feeling better, but I've become very attached to staying in bed and reading for most of the day. I've read some really cool books lately. Normally, I stick to non-fiction, but for fun this past weekend, I read The Road by Cormac McCarthy. It's a bleak post-apocalyptic story of the love between father and son. I loved it. I read it in just 2 days.

Another little tidbit: Gu wrote me an email asking if I was alright (he inspired me to post this update) and included a link to a story on the increasing use of Buddhist techniques for eating disorders. It's funny cuz I've actually been listening to a book on CD about what we can learn from Buddhism about being happy. It's called The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. I haven't gotten too far into it yet. But, like Gu figured, I'm definitely into learning about the concepts of Buddhism: like acceptance, gratitude, service to others, compassion, patience, being present & aware in the moment, etc. It's all basically the stuff my coach taught me. So, I know it works. I continue to learn though, so I can figure out the simplest ways of teaching it.

I've got some other updates to share, too: 1) I should be finally getting my new bracelet design within a few weeks, and 2) I'm finally cutting down on my remaining small dose of Citalopram (anti-depressant/anti-anxiety) starting in a week or so when I get my new lower dose prescription.

I edited a previous post . . .

I just edited my post, Lessons from bad dreams, to highlight my old irrational 2+2=5 beliefs that led to a lot of my childhood pain. In the list of lessons I learned from really thinking about a chronic bad dream of mine, I added my irrational belief and a new rational idea -a rational and reasonable interpretation of my observations- that would have led me to feeling peace and generally ok with what was going on around me, instead of my old persistant anxiety, fear and frustration.

I did this because whenever possible, I want to show you how you, too, can identify and rationally refute your old and habitual crap beliefs about yourself and the world.

Here's another good example. On Sunday night, Todd & I went to a dinner party. Two of the guests are in the music industry and were talking about local bands. One of them is in a band and plays gigs all around LA; the other "researches" the music scene for new bands and music that she can match with the movie industry's needs (I think that's how she explained it). In my mind, I wanted to ask them about this very cool band I saw a couple of years ago, named Katana, that I always figured was bound to be a huge hit someday. After the show, I picked up their demo disc with 3 songs on it. I love that short, little disc! I play it quite a lot. And, I have often thought I should look them up online and buy their full CD if they have one now. But, rather than ask these 2 people about the band, I just kept quiet and listened.

This morning, it randomly came up with Todd. It hit me why I was AFRAID to ask them about the band. It wasn't one particular reason, rather it was a whole string of scary scenarios I made up in my head. It went like this:

1. If I asked about the band, I risked having both of them tell me how AWFUL that band is. I risked having them look at me funny about my awful, unrefined taste in music.

2. I then risked having them look at my boyfriend, who is a musician in his own right, and asking him sincerely how he could be in love with someone who thinks terrible music is good.

3. I then risked having him look at me and begin to question WHY the hell he was in love with someone who had such terrible taste in music, and WHY he wasn't with someone who shared his love of good music - perhaps another musician or even the woman at the dinner party who has a super cool job in the industry.

4. Lastly, I risked having Todd decide to break up with me since there are so many beautiful, interesting, successful women out there who have so much more in common with him.

Yikes! I know it's completely ridiculous when listed out in a numbered list like this! But, how else can I explain why I was AFRAID to ask a simple little question that actually meant something to me?? It was my irrational fears of being "found out," being ridiculed, and being abandoned. Todd & I had a good laugh about it, and I made sure to remember to share it with you. I hope you have a good laugh (and learn something), too!

Phew! Got a speech done today.

My regular readers know I belong to an amazing organization called Toastmasters International. I love this group, and I love observing how I continue to grow more confident and adept at delivering effective speeches.

I had a big one due today, 8-10 minutes, so I've been working hard at it, and I've been nervous about screwing up in front of everyone. But, now that I'm done, I feel great.

It's interesting how much better I've gotten at presenting without using notes - even though they're always there on the table, and I don't hesitate to look at them if I need to. A woman commented on it, and she said that when people can't put their notes down, it indicates they don't trust themselves and all the preparation they've done ahead of time. It's like saying to yourself, "I worked my ass off preparing for this, but I'm sure I didn't do it well enough." That really struck a chord with me. As I thought about it, it's really my own mind that makes me go blank sometimes up there. This is the progression of my thoughts right before I screw up . . .

"Wow, I'm doing great! I'm remembering everything I wanted to say! The audience looks really engaged!"

"If I went blank right now, that would really suck!"

"Aww &%$#!, I'm drawing a blank!"

As long as I force my mind to stay focused on the presentation and not drift on to my own worries or doubts, I do just fine. I really do prepare enough so that I KNOW my material very well. It's just my own head that causes me to doubt that and, subsequently, to draw a blank.

I have another speech due on December 14. It's the last one in my current manual, and it's a biggie. I have to write and deliver an inspirational speech. I SO want to do something meaningful that will resonate with everyone. I've even considered "outing" myself if I could somehow make that inspirational to people who may never have given eating disorders much of a thought. I just don't want to overwhelm them or make them feel sorry for me or anything like that. We ARE having our holiday party right after I speak. That would be a bummer if I made anyone feel awkward.

No, I'll find something else that everyone can relate to and will find enjoyable and inspiring. But, what, oh what, could that be???

Hi all. I'm on my own again. Todd left yesterday for a week in Texas for a visit with his grandmom. His dad and mom went, too. I would have liked to have gone, but I used up all my vacation back in June. Oh well. We enjoyed our evenings this week in preparation for him to be gone. We had a fun Halloween and we ate good meals and watched a lot of movies, all cuddled up - my favorite.

Last night, I broke my promise to myself to make a normal dinner for myself. I let it go, though, cuz I had been eating weird all day. I had to get up at 5 am to take him to the airport, so I had eaten a lot during the day, and a normal meal just wasn't appealing to me last night. But, I went to the grocery store for my staples, like lots of frozen veggies, for making good meals the rest of the week. I plan to defrost quite a bit of our frozen salmon and mix that with my stir fry. Tonight, I'm having dinner with friends at a party, so that's taken care of. And, today, I'm having lunch with a friend, so that's taken care of. I'm focused on my meals not because I'm concerned about binging or anything - I just simply hate cooking and preparing meals! Of course, plans don't always work out. I planned on having my usual oatmeal with ground flax seed today, and so far, that just doesn't seem appealing at all. Perhaps some rice cakes with peanut butter . . . hmm. I've given up on bread cuz we eat so little of it, it always goes bad before I use it. But, I do enjoy peanut butter and jelly - so I'm giving rice cakes a try.

Anyway, I'm beginning to think I'm focusing on food right now cuz I'M HUNGRY! So, I'm going to go eat and make another cup of tea.

I'll be back later!

Sorry, no cycle yesterday as planned . . .

Working with Hannah on her documentary took more out of me than expected, so I had no energy or desire to get into the emotion of a cycle. I'm sorry; I should have seen that coming. I actually spent a lot more time sleeping this weekend before meeting with her. I guess part of me isn't too fond of going over the whole story in the detail required to make the documentary meaningful. It's hard looking someone in the face and telling her about all the awful things I used to do to myself, lost in my fear and bad beliefs and confusion. I am no longer that young woman. But, I feel an overwhelming need to reach back in time and just hug her and reassure her and tell her to hang in there because everything she could really, "heart-fully" want in life is all there, waiting for her. And, this awful time will pass and be all but forgotten.

My new roommate, Michelle (yes, now there are 2 of us in the house), was around while we were filming in the living room. She does contract work in the entertainment industry, so she was understanding about keeping quiet. That was very helpful, but I was still aware of her going into the kitchen every once in awhile, and I was sure he could hear us. After Hannah left, Michelle was all curious about what was going on, and I decided to tell her all about it. It went really well; Michelle is a real sweetheart. And, she's certainly had her share of dysfunction in her own family. Turns out that her sister had been bulimic in high school, many years ago. Michelle and, eventually, one of their brothers found out because they could hear her throwing up in the bathroom. Michelle says it was an incredibly painful time for her because she felt so helpless to help her sister. Luckily, after high school, both Michelle and her sister moved out on their own, and both began to flourish. Michelle says she doesn't know how her sister quit her bulimia. I would be curious to know more, but it seems that just getting out of her chaotic home environment did the bulk of the trick.

In the early evening, Todd & I went on an extra long hike with the dogs. We hadn't intended to go so long, but on our way back out of the woods, we forgot to put our dogs back on their leashes, and who do you think was waiting there at the top of the trail? The park rangers who have the authority to not only give you an $80 ticket for each dog off their leash, but also to arrest you if they feel it is warrented. I didn't notice the rangers, but suddenly Todd turns back around and yells, "come on!" I didn't know what was going on at first, but I soon got it. We actually took off and ran! Boy, I feel like such a bandit now! We ran for about 10 minutes, then we cut up off the trail where we knew we could eventually get back to a street. Then, we had to walk up Mulholland Drive to get back to our neighborhood. It was scary because there isn't much room to walk, and cars drive really fast on Mulholland's sharp twists and turns. It was also very sad since the dogs kept stepping on thorns that really hurt their paws and made them limp. We had to step every couple of minutes to pull them out. I carried my little dog most of the way. It was exhausting, but a mother will somehow get the strength to care for their little ones! Well, the other dogs were troopers, and Todd and I were a good team in the face of danger ;-) We made up stories the rest of the way like we had been in a war or something! We were super proud of ourselves for foiling those rangers once again!

I hope you're all doing well on this gray, cold Monday.

Cycle later today

Hi all. Today at 1 pm or so, Hannah will be here finishing up her interview with me for her student documentary on eating disorders. After that, I plan to do the cycle you all voted on in my October 10 poll on 2+2=5 beliefs. Currently, there's a tie for the crap beliefs, "#4 I’m a bad person, and #5 If I fall behind or make a mistake, I’ll never recover. Anybody want to break the tie for me?? The poll is directly to the right of this post, on the top right hand side of the blog.

**Update** I'm going to keep the poll up, and I'll do some more cycles for the higher rating crap beliefs at some point. Thanks!

Ok, the Cafe Press ads had to come down

I finally got rid of the Cafe Press link. I've struggled with this decision for awhile. There are some great anti-addiction and pro-hope designs there, and I wanted to support those artists - and give you some cool products to choose from. But, occassionally some really ugly pro-addiction designs popped up. I couldn't figure out how to block those, so the whole thing had to go.

I apologize if any designs offended you guys.

Todd & I in a documentary on eating disorders

I'm back! I have an interesting story to share. A woman, Hannah, who is a student in film and production, is filming me this weekend. She is including me in her student documentary about eating disorders. She lost a good friend of hers to anorexia, and now whe wants to tell the story about eating disorders in her movie. I'm excited to be able to take part and help her. After me, she is flying to New York to interview the family of another woman who died from her anorexia. They want to share their story so others will be better informed and so perhaps another young person doesn't have to die from it.

Right now she's interviewing Todd in another room. I really appreciate him supporting "the cause" like this - we've had Hannah in house for a good part of the weekend. And, getting asked tough questions by a stranger with a camera and bright lights in your face is draining.

I have lots to catch you up on, but it's tough this weekend since most of my creative energy is going to Hannah. I plan to do a cycle at some point about some crap that happened at work this past week that really brought up some ugly, very old emotional garbage from when I was a kid - in eighth grade, actually. Basically "everyone" in my grade got mad at me. My best friends started making up stories about me (I'm sure, looking back, that some of them were true or had some degree of truth to them), and people got angry, got mean, and didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Even when I reached out to new friends, they didn't stay nice to me for long. Yeah, kids are cruel, and I was one of the kids who bore the brunt of the cruelty that year. I now knowthat that year of pain and confusion is still affecting me. Not every day, of course, but definitely when anything even remotely similar occurs, like someone getting mad at you and telling it to others who subsequently begin to look at you and treat you funny.

And, I still "react" the same way - I've gotten very paranoid and defensive, and I've obsessed about it almost constantly. Last weekend, I could barely function outside of my obsessing. I feel like I let a stupid little thing take over all my emotions for the past week. So, I want to do a cycle on it to get rid of it. It's just been hard finding (making) the time since Hannah has been here. Plus, I just wasn't ready to face it until Thursday when I had my Toastmasters meeting and got reminded that there are many people who love me, respect me, and really like having me around. I've written before about how wonderful Toastmasters is, and boy, they really came through for me again.

When things are hurtful to me, I always, habitually shy away from people - I always have and still have that automatic tendancy. Hell - it's always been "people" who hurt me. But, I'm beginning to force myself to focus on the fact that there are also many good, emotionally strong people in this world who want nothing but to support me and love me. And, spending time with people like this when I'm feeling hurt always gets me back on my feet and feeling great much, MUCH quicker than if I try to do it on my own.

I've gotten comments about how you are scared to do this on your own. I'm doing my cycles in the blog so you can see how, yes, you do go deep into the crap. But, it also brings you back up and to a better place than you began. Please don't attempt a cycle on "why I'm bulimic" or anything huge like that - you have to start slowly, with the little things about yourself you'd like to understand and change. Your first goal in recovery should probably be around forgiveness of yourself. Things get much easier after that. The cycle process really helps with that cuz you have to ask yourself, "were my expectations reasonable for me for who I was back then?" Usually, you have no choice but to say, "yes, my expectations were reasonable because  . . . ." there are tons of reasons, often just because you were young and hadn't learned better is reason enough.

I'm going to go now. But, I'll be back soon. I NEED to do this cycle soon before I forget the pain, and the garbage goes back into hiding until the next time it comes roaring back to the forefront.

Responses to all your comments & emails

Hi all. I wanted to say thank you so much, everyone - PTC, Leigh, Emily Jolie, Nika, Heidi, Djuro, Nancy, and new poster, Talulahmae, - for providing thoughtful comments, emails, and support regarding my post, Major cycle on my "value" and worthiness for healthy meals. I want to respond to each of you here.

PTC: of course you have great things to say! I always look forward to your comments! While I was writing that post, I knew you would be right there with me. And, yes, it felt incredible to get it all out. I was on cloud 9 for a straight 24 hours after that.

Leigh: you're totally right how somethings work for some people and not others. We're all so similar and yet so different. I'm so thankful for you for trying it out and for sharing your thoughtful input with me!

Emily Jolie: I'm just happy to know you're here with me!

Heidi: you probably DO have a sneaky, unconscious bad habit getting in your way of finding a good guy and sticking it out in a relationship. None of my relationships were really healthy until this one - which is my first relationship after coaching and recovery. Todd would never have stuck around with me if I were still who I used to be: unpredictable, angry, always up for a fight, uncommunicative or depressed, and filled with anxiety or panic all the time. There were a few good guys in my past (my very first boyfriend in high school comes to mind), but I couldn't expect them to stick around.

Your earned reward for doing the work to find and get rid of your emotional garbage is that you will be much more likely to attract and keep the love of your life. I still recommend the cycles since they've worked so crazy great for me so far. But, you would have to give a good committed shot yourself.

Djuro: Thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your story about your experience talking with your sister. She just has no idea - it's not her fault. If she knew her beloved sister struggled with an ED, she would change her mind instantly. I know that.

I'm very excited to read the letter you wrote to Louise Hay over at www.lightconnection.com. I admire that woman very much. I actually bought a couple of her works (and, I never buy - I always borrow from the library). Oh, and writing is really good for you. I've got plenty of bandwidth - so, please write away!

Nancy: you and I might share some emotional trash, huh? How about trying to make yourself some veggie & fish (or chicken or lean beef) stir fry in sauce and/or extra virgin olive oil? This is my favorite meal to make for myself. Even if I chow on veggies, I know my body can use it, so I never feel badly about it. The fish or other protein fills you up, is also good for you, and gives you good oils you need. Make only enough of the protein as you can handle. Then, sit yourself down at the table with a drink of water or something, a napkin, and everything else you would set out when enjoying a meal with Chad. How about lighting a candle? The thing I now know is that 1) I treasure my meal time, 2) I'm worth the money, the time, the energy to have a nice meal, 3) *I* am worth a good, hot, balanced meal. Go slow - in baby steps and try it. Say it like a mantra the whole time: "I am worth it, my body needs it, my heart wants it, I'm doing it!"

Hey Nika, that was a great email you sent me. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and insight. I got stuck on this phrase, "obsessively selfish in my selflessness." Wow - that is a great way of describing it - we ALL are like that to some extent. I'm interested in hearing more about the other process you mentioned by Robert Fritz. Is it a book? Where did you learn it? I would love to compare the two.

I have to ask, though, why you don't share your thoughts here with everyone? You write in a very clear, descriptive, and powerful way. I know your words would really help others who are not yet as far along as you (as well as many of us who are). I respect your choices, and I also ask you to consider sharing with others, if not here, than in your own blog. You've got a LOT to give and share.

Lulu: welcome to my blog! Of course, I'm sorry you have to come here; I'm sorry you're struggling. And, of course, you can recover, too! If I can do it, you certainly can! Remember, I had the opportunity to work with a coach on my recovery. But, I'm working really hard to share everything I learned with him then and everything I've learned since. My personal goal is to figure out how to help everyone recover on their own - with support and encouragement from all of us in the community.

I would also like to welcome new blogger, Valentina, from Colombia. You can find her blog at: http://noalosdesordenesalimenticios.blogspot.com. I'm going to really try to put my many years of studying Spanish to work and read her! If you read Spanish, check her out!

I am going to do lots more cycles here in the blog. Of course, this weekend I've been feeling pretty good since Todd just got back from his week-long surfing trip. Yesterday, on our hike with the dogs, we talked a lot about what he had read in my blog and in the emails I sent him while he was gone (he didn't get them until he got back, but I enjoyed staying "in touch" with him that way). It was great being able to open up with him so much. Needless to say, we had a wonderful, intimate, loving hike together. And, I couldn't get the smile off my face . . .

Love and gratitude to you all.

What, did I freak you guys out or something?

I've gotten absolutely no feedback about my emotional cycle I did last night - no comments, no emails, no nothing. I know it came from the darkest underbelly of my soul, so maybe you're all freaked to learn what really lies below that sweet, supportive (and super cute, I might add!), smiling face?

I was really hoping at least SOMEONE would realize how cool and powerful these cycles are and want to learn how to do them with me. I was so excited last night about how relatively easy it was to successfully dig out that bit of emotional trash, all by myself, with very little instruction on how to do it (just the one book and half of her CD). Doesn't anyone want to try?

New reader from Finland - welcome Marja

I was checking my stats & referrers, and I found a referral from a site I didn't know. I followed it, and I found Marja. She is from Finland. I can't read any of her stuff, but I see that she has linked to me and quite a few of my other blogger friends. So, I assume (boy, I really wish I was wrong!) that Marja is  struggling or has struggled in the past with an eating disorder.

I'm really sorry I can't read her, but I thought I would say hello anyway!

On my own again, and determined to be more productive

Todd just took off again on a week long surf trip on a boat up in the Channel Islands. I'm sad :-(

We've been preparing for this, though, by spending lots of quality time together - making dinners, working out, watching movies, hanging with friends. Now, once again, I'm planning to be productive with him gone but also more patient with myself. I have writing that I really need and want to do (including responding to your comments and emails), but I'm also going to take the dogs hiking and for walks, and I want to watch some movies by myself.

I'll check back in with you in a bit.

Results of the Dr. Ablow show experience

Hi all. I’m sorry I’ve been missing in action for so long. I’ve spent the last 2 weekends in Malibu with my boyfriend. And, I’ve been busy during the week as a single mom my dog (this is harder than it sounds!) and working on my next writing project. Even though I haven’t been writing here in the blog, I’ve pretty much been thinking, reading, and writing about recovery 24/7.

The most important thing I need to update you on is the Dr. Ablow show(s). I know I got many of you excited about the opportunity to be on the show and to contribute to the public discussion about binge eating and bulimia. I sincerely believed, from talking with the producer, that Dr. Ablow sincerely wants to help educate his audience about the truth and potentially even help us. I was excited about it, and I got many of you excited about it. Unfortunately for us as a group, the first taped show did not work out quite the way I had hoped.

Beth, at BingeBattles, actually went to NYC and completed a taping. She wrote to me about it; her email is here below.

The producers and staff were really great the whole time, getting background info, accommodating me, being patient, communicating, etc. A few days before the show, a crew filmed the intro with me, interviewing in the studio, walking around the city, etc. They had me say a lot of things over and over, because I understand editing is difficult and they need a lot to work with.  Anyway, the whole time I'd been talking with them, I made sure to discern that the main distinction of my problems is the obsession and addiction with eating, thinking about food, and purging.  I wanted people, especially younger girls to know that bulimia can take away friends, boyfriends, money, time, energy, intelligence, and all quality of life if you let it.  I told them that I felt like I have no motivation or self discipline anymore because of this, and that it all began with an ignorant (on my part) dieting attempt at age 16.  Well, there are more aspects to my story, but I thought that would be the focus since it is the addiction and primary source of my dysfunction. 

When I went to film the actual show, I found out the two other guests had body dysmorphic disorder.  The Dr. introduced me as someone who'd had 5 plastic surgeries in the search for perfection. Most of the clip they put together of me was talking about my looks or insecurities or procedures I'd had done, all of which are secondary in my mind to the obsession with food and sadness over what it has cost me. I had 3 separate surgeries over a 6 year period, and he made it seem like that was my obsession.  He asked how much I thought about getting more surgery (I don't bc I think my mind needs fixing and need to improve my education and graduate college most importantly) and made it seem like all I cared about was my looks.  I felt like they molded my story into something else, and will probably edit a lot out of the show, like when I said I think about food/eating way more than my appearance.  Also, I pointed out that bulimia doesn't help you lose weight and it can make you gain weight, and tried to convey that I don't value aesthetics more than intelligence or character. I don't value materialism or vanity in others, but I think that is what they wanted to magnify in my character.  I think I'm going to come off as fake and one dimensional.  The large message I wanted to put out there (dieting is addicting and can "innocently" lead to bulimia, which is more addicting) was not contributed, and I feel like I wasted my chance.  The only thing people will get from watching the show is that some girls go to extreme lengths to look better bc of their insecurities.  They will assume that bulimia serves mainly as a way to lose weight or look better. The impact of bulimia on people's lives will not be evident, and I fear the wrong conclusions will be drawn.

Do you think I'm out of line for being concerned? I wasn't angry or anything, because I trust psychiatrists and people who are nice to me. But I didn't get to ask the Dr. anything, and I think he liked to take the stories in a direction the audience would be more intrigued by.  He was nice, but not very personable. So I hope when they do your show, you can have your story told the accurate way, for yourself, and to help others out there.

I wrote her back:

I'm so sorry about your experience! That is not at all what I had envisioned or expected from talking with the producer! If you're not feeling positive about it - there's definitely something wrong.

Of course I care, by the way! I honestly believed this was a good opportunity for us to tell our story and improve the public's understanding of bulimia as an addiction that, just like for you, begins innocently enough and then ruins lives. I asked all my readers to consider doing this as a good thing - I really believed we wouldn't be exploited just to make a good show. But, it seems like that may be what happened. And, I feel responsible.

Marina told me all about what she had in mind for your show, and it wasn't at all like you described to me. Plus, she told me that they had a surprise for you - they were going to offer to send you to a longer-term recovery center than you were currently looking at and pick up the tab for everything your insurance wouldn't pay. Marina was horrified at how little insurance is willing to cover for eating disorders, and she wanted to make a point of it on the show. Please tell me at least they did that for you . . . ?

Listen, Beth, you didn't do anything wrong; you didn't "waste your chance." You trusted me and Marina and all the other people you talked with, and you took a risk for what you feel is right and important. It sounds like you worked really hard and did your absolute best to portray the really important aspects of your story - the aspects that could protect or provide a light of understanding to so many others. We'll see how the show turns out. But, if it turns out that they spin your story into something it's not, then I'm so very personally sorry. Please promise me that you won't take it hard or think you could have done anything differently. It looks to me like they had a particular show in mind, and they were going to get that show whether it was the truth or not.

You should feel very proud of your courage and boldness in putting yourself out there for all of us. You followed your heart and took a risk. The ability to do that will serve you very well in life. I'm really impressed with you, and you really should be, too. You're not responsible for how others spin your words. You're not responsible for how viewers interpret the show. It's too bad that Dr. Ablow is so desperate for ratings and fame that he can't present an honest show with good, honest, caring people who want to help others. He will have to answer to his own heart and soul for that someday, and it will cause him great sorrow and remorse. You, on the other hand, can stand up tall for following your heart, pushing through your fear and doubt, and going for it anyway!

If you don't mind, I'd really like to post your email and my response so others know. People are still emailing hoping and praying that the producers will pick them to do a show. Now, I need to show them how grateful they should be that they were not.

Again, Beth, thanks for standing up for us. We need people to do that - and keep trying to do that regardless of how others respond or potentially use us for their own benefit.

I am sorry, sweetie. I hope you can choose to interpret this whole thing as a very interesting, unique, perhaps wild experience that just didn't quite turn out the way you hoped.

Says George Bernard Shaw: "A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

Says Keshavan Nair: "With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity."

And, lastly, says Susan B. Anthony: "Cautious, careful people, always casting about to preserve their reputation and social standing, never can bring about a reform. Those who are really in earnest must be willing to be anything or nothing in the world's estimation, and publicly and privately, in season and out, avow their sympathy with despised and persecuted ideas and their advocates, and bear the consequences."

Keep the words of these great people in mind, and write me anytime.

Thank you much for daring to create change. And, thanks for writing me with details of your adventure.

With much love and respect,

Michelle

Update on the Dr. Ablow show

Yesterday I spoke with Marina, the producer for the eating disorder episodes Dr. Ablow is putting together. She is really excited about it all - turns out that they're going to break the originally planned one episode into several. They realized that our stories are just so different and important that we each deserve much more time than they were originally planning to give each of us.

As of yesterday when we spoke, she said she has spoken with everyone I've sent her except for just a couple that she's playing phone tag with, Karen, and another non-blogger. She said she would call Karen on Monday or Tuesday and she will keep trying with the others. If you haven't heard from her, and you're not in this list, please let me know right away. My email with your contact info may have gotten lost or something.

I hope you're all doing well this weekend. It's HOT here in So. Cal. I was in the pool all day yesterday. And, today, I'm at work enjoying the air conditioning and getting caught up on stuff.

Miss Blue is IN

She still has to speak with the producer (which could take a while - she's been super busy), but Miss Blue is thinking about appearing on the Dr. Ablow show with us. Send her a note of support if you can.

I also wanted to say something to Palmtreechick in response to her comment here: http://onbulimia.blogs.com/journeys/2006/07/happy_road_to_r.html#comments

PTC: you don't have a bulimia (thank god!), but it's obvious you still struggle with the same self-doubt, fear, self-judgment, and self-defeating attitude that got us started in binging and purging.  You wrote:

"I'm not so sure my fear is irrational. I want to be a country singer. That's like wanting to be a famous actor...not so easy to achieve. Not that I'm really doing anything to get there, but I don't think I'm good enough. That's what's holding me back. It's a crazy dream!! It's not like I want to do something simple."

It just so happened that I got this quote in my daily inspirational email:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."       -William Feather

You sound like you've let go before even trying!

Every dream seems difficult to acheive when we're just starting out! That's why they're called dreams! And, that's why we need to keep that dream clear and and in view at all times. Go to bed saying to yourself: I want to be a successful country singer. Get up in the morning with the thought: I want to be a successful country singer. Keep notes in your car, on your desk, in your purse, etc. that say: I want to be a successful country singer. And, then each day, you'll have the inspiration, creative ideas, and energy to take one little baby step in that direction. When you keep your goals in front of you everyday, your mind will continue to spin with ideas that will help get you there -even while you're sleeping.

It may take years to achieve your dream, but with determination and consistent little steps, you can't help but get there someday. Plus, when you commit to taking a little step each day, you no longer can say to yourself, “it’s a crazy dream!” because you’ll begin to see progress and growth in yourself.

Right now, you’ve got to stop allowing those self-judgmental, self-defeating thoughts. I bet every successful singer out there at some point felt the same way you do right now. You know why they succeeded? Cuz they pushed through their fear. They pushed through the self-doubt and self-defeat. They kept that dream alive and very clear and focused in their minds every day. They never let failures or other people’s negativity sway them, either. Their dream was in their hearts, and that became their purpose in life. They let nothing get in the way.

Just like I have on the back of my business card, “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.” –James Allen, As A Man Thinketh.

By the way - you really need to do my Exercises #2 and #3 around your dream. They will help you set daily and weekly goals for yourself to get going and keep you going on your dream.

Happy Saturday!

I’ve still got a ton of emails to respond to (thanks, everyone, for your support and ideas!). And, I’ll get to each of them, but I’ll probably be a few days. My priority now is reaching out and talking/writing with those of you who are considering telling your story and opening up for offers of help on the Dr. Albow show.

So far, 3 of my favorite bloggers and a few other old friends are in talks with the producer about appearing, and I’m so excited about meeting everyone in NYC! The blogging ladies are: Shiray, Mandy, and Karen. Send them good thoughts, or better yet, a supportive note!

Work has gotten very busy since the 4^th of July weekend cuz my boss just let us know he’s going on medical leave for a month beginning next Friday, and he’s doling out all his responsibilities to us. He’s only 48, and he’s getting hip replacement surgery! He’s obviously a binge eater; he’s probably clinically obese. I imagine his weight is the #1, if not the only, contributing factor to his hip problem. He’s got 3 young kids and a wife at home, plus a very demanding, high pressure and high visibility career. He must prefer to be thinner to help him do the running around his home and work life demand, don’t you think?

Well, if the Dr. Albow show goes through, I will probably tell him about it and about my old addiction. I really respect, admire, and trust this man, and I know he looks out for and cares for me, too. We were working together all morning today (yes, it’s Saturday) and tomorrow. I’ll keep you posted on that.

It’s funny (but not really) – I’ve been just looking online for people who may want to be on the show. But, it occurred to me last night that I personally know of 2 people who would be perfect for it. One is the best, old guy friend of my boyfriend. This guy is obsessed with his weight, and he turns down social outings if food is part of the plan. I’m pretty sure he would meet the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. And, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if he was bulimic, too. Last August, Todd told him that I was a recovered bulimic, and he asked me a few questions about it. But, the questions weren’t related to him – they were related to an ex girlfriend of his, who is the second person I know of who could be on the show. She was (is?) as thin as an anorexic but she was obviously bulimic, too. The guys figured it out cuz:

1)       she obviously binge-ate when they all got together for a meal or at a party,

2)       she got up to go to the bathroom right after eating,

3)       the bathroom would always smell like vomit after she got out.

But, supposedly she doesn’t know that the guys know. So – I can’t ask them to ask her for me.  I think the guy would be perfect for the intervention that Dr. Albow hopes to do on the show. But, I don’t think he would ever allow it to be shown on TV since he’s a TV producer, too! Oh well. Such is life in LA.

I’ll just have to keep looking online . . .

Q & A about the Dr. Ablow show

Hi all.

I forwarded some of your questions about appearing on the Dr. Ablow show to the producer, Marina, I’m working with. Below are my questions (Q) and her answers (A).

Q. This isn't a Jerry Springer-type deal, is it?

A. Dr. Keith Ablow is an M.D. A real psychiatrist with an operating practice. He is not a television personality or actor. His show will deal with people that have legitimate problems and are looking for solution. We would like to help people in conflict either with themselves because of an issue or with another person.

Q. Will there be follow-up care offered, or will I have someone helping me only during taping?

A. In the pre-interview process the associate producer and producer will try to get as much information about your story as possible to be able to pass along to Dr. Keith. This way we can assure that during taping, he will know as much information about you as possible to be able to properly asses your needs and help you in any way possible. Dr. Keith does recommend after care to the guests that he feels are in the most amount of need, or where continued therapy will help bring about the desired results he was not able to get during taping.   

Q. How soon will this happen?

A. We can only determine when we will tape when we actually have the stories and it depends on how many good stories we have.

Q. How much time will I need to take off of work?

A. Taping is one day and we usually fly the guests in the night before the taping and fly them back home after the show is taped. If we want to do a more extensive introduction package with them, we usually send a field producer and crew to their house and they shoot something with them at the guest’s convenience.

Q. Will they just be covering bulimia or are they interested in non-purging bulimia or exercise bulimia or EDNOS ("eating disorder not otherwise specified")?

A. Right now we are in such the preliminary stages of this show, and there is no way to make a final decision. I am looking for great compelling guests with true stories that are currently struggling with something either due to their ongoing battle with bulimia or a past battle with bulimia. I do not intend this to be a typical bulimia show with the stereotypical bulimia sufferers. I would like to have mothers, men, young women, and people of all walks of like that can talk about their experiences.

So, there you have it! If you have any more questions about potentially appearing on the show, just send them along in a comment or to michelle at michellehope.org.

Marina is a bright and kind woman who is easy to talk with. She will want to speak with you, and I really believe that after you speak with her, you’ll feel much more excited and at peace about working with her.

Thanks to everyone! I'll get caught up with you in the next couple of days!

I’m back from a hectic but fun long 4^th of July weekend. My apologies to everyone I said that I would call over the weekend! I made some calls today, and I’ll finish up tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who has written me emails or comments or signed my guestbook regarding the Dr. Ablow show I’m working on creating with one of the producers. I do plan to get back to all of you personally – each one of you is important to me. I’ll be around for the duration now; I don’t have any other trips or anything planned in the foreseeable future. So, I’ll get caught up! I promise!

Interesting opportunity for you to consider

Hi all.

I hope you're enjoying your long weekend (for everyone in the States, anyway). I'm down in La Jolla at Todd's parents' home.

So . . . I have an interesting opportunity for you all to consider long and hard. I've been struggling with how best to present it, but I've decided just to throw it out there and let you make your own interpretation of it.

I was contacted on Friday by a television talk show producer in NYC who is putting together an epidsode on eating disorders. The host is Dr. Keith Ablow. You can find out about him here and about his show here. It's a new Dr. Phil-like show that will begin airing in the fall, although they're beginning taping over the summer.

They're trying to get a good mix of people to show how bulimia can affect anyone: young, old, men, women, high power executives, PTA parents, grandparents, etc. Dr. Ablow wants to help, but of course, you would be coming out on a national day-time talk show. You will have to think long and hard about that.

I will be there with you the whole time, on-air and off, to support you and be your advocate. I'm going to be telling my own story on the show as well. My particular contribution to the show will be about how 100%, complete, real recovery is absolutely possible when you learn the right lessons and practice them over and over again. You know my philosophy is that we turn to calming bulimia because we never learned how to cope well with the uncertainty and stress and fears of life. We're being asked by life to do advanced calculus when we were never taught how to add or subtract. But, we can learn, once we have a good teacher who makes us do problem-sets and lessons and take tests. Pretty soon, we're confidently doing advanced calculus, and we have no need at all to calm ourselves artificially.

I'll also be talking about what my life is like now after that recovery - spiritually focused and mindful, but otherwise completely healthy and "normal."

I got the feeling the producer wants the show to come together pretty quickly, but she just began planning it last week. Of course, they would take care of all expenses. You would just need to make the time. I didn't ask about what happens after the show. I know that Oprah, Dr. Phil, and many others offer free follow-up care, which you know can be very expensive, for the people who appear on their shows. The producer and I will be talking again after Tuesday, so I'll be sure to discuss it with her. If you have any other questions you would like me to ask, just put it in the comments below or email me at michelle@michellehope.org.

To be completely honest, I'm scared, too. I'm "recovered," but I haven't told many people - I know it seems strange, since my face is plastered all over my blog! But, it would still be weird to be on camera and say to the world, "this is me, this is something really ugly that I struggled with for 14 years, but I'm human and valid and important and very beautiful inside, and I'm determined to help just a few of the MILLIONS of people who are struggling today." Just think about how Katherine McPhee must have felt coming out to People magazine. The more people who speak up without shame or self-blame, the better it will be for all of us.

My heart says it's the right thing for me to do, so I'm hushing my fearful, judgmental head, and I'm pushing through the fear. What does your heart say about it?

Too tired to work today. Oh well, I'll do something for myself!

Ok, so I’m just exhausted today. I barely slept last night cuz it was hot and the dogs and flies kept waking me up. What’s up with the flies anyway?? There aren’t supposed to BE any here in LA! Luckily my boss is out of the office for the day. My goals are just to get through the work day. My work will still be here waiting for me tomorrow.

I used to beat myself up about it when I had trouble functioning at work:

“OMG, they’re paying me do nothing today! Gasp! What an awful person I am! I’ll never get caught up if I don’t get my work done today! I’m so lazy! JUST WAKE UP AND FUNCTION YOU LOSER! I’ll just go eat something, and then I’m sure I’ll feel like working. Oops, I ate too much – I’ll just go purge and THEN I’ll feel like working.”

You get the idea.

Today, I’m using my tired day in more constructive ways:

·          looking at the LA public library catalog for new interesting books on CD to listen to during my commute. Have I mentioned to you how I am SO hooked on this?? My commute is suddenly enjoyable, relaxing, and productive. Who knew it would be so easy to NOT get all stressed out and pissy during every commute?

·          Catching up on my sister bulimia blogs. I actually just found a great new-ish one by Christine Kane. I haven’t read all her stuff yet, but How to Survive a Bad Day, 10 Ways to Set a Powerful Intent, Bad, Bored, and Bulimic (Part 1), and Bad, Bored, and Bulimic (Part 2) are particularly good. Her coach and mine must have studied together or something; we’ve got the same philosophies and strategies.

·          Responding to emails. Don’t forget – you can write me at michelle@michellehope.org. I would particularly like to help you with your Exercise 1 & Exercise 2.

·          Planning my next posts. I’ve been listening to Deepak Chopra’s CD, “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success," during my commutes, and one of those laws is the “Law of Insecurity” also called the “Law of Uncertainty.” I’ve replayed this one over and over again this week. I even put the book on hold at the library, so I can copy the section word-for-word to include in my blog. I would argue that an addict of any type, not just eating disorders, is overly affected by their fear of uncertainty. I am still focused on getting more comfortable with the unknown and learning to invite it into my life with open arms. The more I embrace uncertainty, the more excitement I feel about the opportunities and potential in the unknown. The more I embrace uncertainty, the more flexible and cat-like I feel (sounds strange, but it’s true). And, the more I grow spiritually by reading and writing and thinking and feeling, the more confident I feel that I will thrive on whatever comes along.

And, look, it’s already 4:30 pm. I think I may just survive this work day with my good cheer after all. I hope you’re all doing well, too!

American Idol, Katharine McPhee, is bulimic

Yup, she admitted it in Katharine McPhee's Shocking Confession.

I think it's very cool that she's so up front about it. The more people talk about it and admit to having suffered with it, the better we'll all be in the long run.

There has got to be some serious social issues in this country that SO MANY of us have this addiction, though! It's crazy!

Personally, I believe we're just not learning the things we need to learn as kids, and/or we're learning the wrong things. We could blame our parents; we could blame the media. But, the results are still the same and getting worse. I believe it's far beyond the abilities of even the most healthy parents to cope anymore. This country as a whole is in big trouble . . .

The article says she sought out help at an LA eating disorder clinic. But, unfortunately, you and I both know how well clinics work (not so well for the long-term . . .).

Hey Katharine - if you ever read this, I'm in LA, too. You can contact me anytime.