Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

On Suicide . . .

Let’s talk about it.

It’s depressing. It’s horrifying.

But, it happens. We need to talk about it. I realize that this post is a bit meandering. But, as happens sometimes, I just want to write out all my thoughts, as meandering as they may be. I hope you can get something out of it, too.

I’ve been listening to the CD of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and he talks about suicide a lot, so I've been thinking about it a lot (plus, it seems to be occurring in our little community quite a bit lately). He blames it mostly on what he calls the “existential vacuum” which is the lack of an identifiable purpose in life, having no clear reason to live. It is a cross-cultural and age-independent experience and problem. It’s not that an individual’s circumstances are so obviously horrific or unbearable. Rather, it’s that there is just no clear reason to continue on.

This vacuum can happen to rich and poor alike; to people who seemingly have everything in the world – just no purpose. It happens a lot to parents after their children are grown and have moved away. It happens to older people after their spouse passes away. It happens to people who finally achieve a long-standing dream. This is what happened to me after I finished college. My big childhood dream was to get into a good college. After that was done, I had no idea what to do next, and I feel into a depression.

This explanation doesn’t explain my sister, Leslie’s suicide 3 years ago. She had a purpose and big dreams that were very important to her. She had a little sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister program, who was just the light of her life. They had been together for quite a few years. She also loved her job of a makeup artist – it was her creative passion and her profession (the perfect match). She had concrete and developing plans for one day creating a non-profit organization dedicated to helping poor women to get on their feet and get out in the world and get a career. Leslie would never admit it, but our mother was her inspiration. It was very hard for our mom to go out and get a job when she barely had a tooth left in her head. She had no professional clothes except a few that were about 20 years old, and she certainly couldn’t afford any new ones when buying gasoline and food and paying bills were weekly challenges. Her car was a broken down rust-bucket that couldn’t be relied on to get her to a job, forget about the interview. Her glasses were broken and her winter coat was ripped. It’s no wonder she couldn’t get up the nerve to get out in the world and “just get a job” like I was always pleading with her and yelling at her about. (I believe this is all part of the reason my mom gave up so easily when she was hospitalized before her death. She seemed quite ready and willing to go.)

But, Leslie had other problems. She had binge eating disorder, and she had lupus. Her lupus gave her bad arthritis which made her makeup work painful. She would get really bad hives from exposure to the sun, while the beach had always been her refuge and favorite place in the world. She was always battling infections and exhaustion and arthritis pain.

I can’t say exactly why Leslie decided death was better. But, I appreciate that her chronic conditions were definitely a daily challenge for her. And, this really pains me to say it, but I feel that she was more angry than sad when she died. Her note had an angry edge to it. I think she believed she was doing the ultimate act of revenge against those who hurt her, like our parents who did a terrible job raising us and her biological mom who put her up for adoption to end up with such a crazy and messed up family as mine. I can’t analyze it any more than that. I may be completely wrong, and I hope I am, but that is how I feel about it. That makes me so sad. I know how powerfully self-destructive anger can be. It’s bad enough to think about her in so much pain that suicide seemed like the best solution. But, it’s really sad to think of her suffering that depth of unrelenting and inconsolable rage. Perhaps she had to work up a rage to give her the final courage to take those pills. I don’t know. I’ve said it many times before – my rage caused me infinitely more pain than my bulimia ever did.

Let’s look at Jeremy. Most of you know a bit about him. He talks about suicide regularly, and many of us fear the worst. I believe Frankl’s existential vacuum applies to him completely. Jeremy has tried to find meaning. The book he has been wanting to write about his life has provided him with some sense of purpose. He appears optimistic and dedicated when he senses support for this goal. And, he gets depressed and suicidal when his goal is challenged or threatened. I can see why Jeremy is a bit lost. He spent his childhood in treatment centers. I bet he learned in childhood that his purpose and goal was simply to get better – to become “normal.” I can’t see how any other dreams or talents could have been encouraged or fostered in that environment. His sickness is all he knows of himself. That’s what all the adults saw in him. That’s what they related to in him. If I were him, I would be very angry and resentful. I would also be incredibly fearful because I wouldn’t know myself underneath all that.

And, then there is the boredom. Frankl says that chronic boredom has caused more depression and suicidal thoughts than any life-threatening life circumstance. He says that as the world modernizes and less time is required for work, depression continues to climb. That goes against expectations that as leisure time increases, happiness would increase. As leisure time increases, in fact, man’s sense of purposelessness has increased, and so too, then, has depression. It seems there is some of this playing out for Jeremy.

I’ve spoken with Jeremy a few times on the phone, and you know what really strikes me above all else? His sense of humor. He is incredibly clever and funny. It’s a very dry sense of humor, of course. And, it could easily freak out someone who doesn’t understand his lifestyle – which you and I do to some extent. But, that makes it even funnier. In my humble, ignorant opinion, I wish Jeremy would write his story with all that dry, obnoxious, horrifying humor that is in him. THAT would be a real seller. I see his ability to find things to laugh at in his world as a huge strength. But, of course, only Jeremy can decide how to interpret and live his life.

What is the cure then? Every human will have to find his/her own path to a sense of purpose, since we’re all very different and our paths are so different. But, he does say that suffering does give life a lot of meaning. He seems to say that the ones who have suffered the most may actually have the most to live for. I know that for me, my suffering has given me the purpose (and skills and experience) of helping others to rise above their own pain and desperation – or at least to give some comfort. I want to give comfort to as many humans and animals as I possibly can. I feel joy when I can make a stranger smile, when I can say a kind word to a stranger, when I can help out a stranger. Why strangers rather than friends? Because I never know what pain a stranger may be in. I never know what desperate situation he/she may be struggling through. I never know if my smile may be the only gesture of kindness –of connection- he/she may have experienced all day. I never know if that man I help out is in as much pain as our dear Jeremy. And, don’t you just wish everyone Jeremy comes across could be kind and gentle and generous with him?

The key thing Frankl keeps coming back to is that if an individual can find a “why” to live, he can endure almost any “how.” Maybe someone’s purpose is to create art or music or literature. Perhaps it’s to help children or animals or others in need – even if it’s just the strangers we encounter each day. Perhaps it’s simply to live as good a life as possible – to keep one’s thoughts and words and actions in line with one’s deepest values. It doesn’t have to be a big or grand purpose, it has merely to be enough.

As long as there is free will, there will be suicides. The best we can do as a society is to foster each child’s talents and interests and his/her self-confidence, creativity, and optimism, as well as a sense of wonder and the courage to try, to make mistakes, and at times, to fail. We must teach compassion and forgiveness like I learned at the late (but not too late) age of 34, so that regret and resentment don’t eat away at a child’s soul. This child would have the inner strength to endure the challenges and pain we find in life sometimes. This child would have the instinct to seek out and create his own fulfillment – not just pleasure. This child would thrive.

On pleasing others & resentment

Two nights ago when I was in bed and on the verge of sleep, Todd snuggled up real close to me and got comfy and seemed to settle in for the night. At first this made me very happy. But, then it got warmer and warmer and I felt more and more constricted, and soon I was wide awake and very aware of my physical discomfort.

While I was debating with myself about what to do about it, he began to shift and move. In my head, I was pleading, "please, please move over!" Sure enough, he rolled over and went right to sleep. I, on the other hand, rather than feeling relieved, was left lying there with red flags flying and alarm bells going off in my head. This is a problem I had before recovery - this shouldn't be happening now!

Rather than take care of my discomfort by simply asking him to move over cuz I need more room (duh!), I allowed my old irrational fears to really complicate this simple (even silly) situation. Below I've listed some of the crappy, chaotic thoughts whirling around my head. Yes, they sound ridiculous now, but I took them quite seriously at the time:

·       I "should" be thankful my boyfriend wants to snuggle. Most women would love this. I shouldn't complain.

·       What if I ask him to move over, and he interprets it like I never want to snuggle?!

·       What if he gets frustrated or hurt or even mad at me?

·       What tone should I take when I ask him to move over? Should I joke about it? Should I just be nice and sweet? Should I explain the problem? Should I just get up, even though I'm exhausted and cold, and go to the bathroom, hoping he'll move over while I'm gone?

·       It's not soooo hot and uncomfortable . . . I should just deal with it.

You see how a simple, stupid little problem can get some people all jacked up? This is the kind of mental chaos, confusion, and obsession that bulimics turn to food and purging to quiet. It's the chaos that we can't allow to even BEGIN if we don't want to turn inevitably and compulsively to food . . . but, how do we stop it?

You might say I'm just sweet and concerned about the well-being of my loved ones. You might say I'm generous. You might say I have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. You might say I don't value myself as highly as I do my boyfriend. All of these to some extent and on occasion are true. But, whatever reasons are behind my worries, the fact is that the problem remains. It is bothersome to me that 1) it wasn't immediately obvious to me that I needed to take some kind of action to alleviate my physical discomfort, such as simply asking him to move over, and 2) if he hadn't rolled over when he did and if I had continued to over-think the problem, there could have been some disastrous consequences. I could have:

·       become physically as well as mentally stressed,

·       continued to lie awake obsessing about what to do,

and perhaps the most destructive of all:

·       I could have become resentful of Todd because I was worrying so much about his well-being while he was completely comfy and sleeping like a baby.

The potential for becoming resentful is probably the #1 reason why we have to stop valuing others over ourselves, or worrying about others more than ourselves, or whatever it is that makes us do these stupid things. We have to take care of ourselves before we take care of anyone else. And, we have to love ourselves and respect ourselves enough to do this consistently, even in seemingly insignificant situations like I've just described.

If you become resentful, you punish others for your own choice to put them ahead of you. Can you see now why it's such a gift to take care of yourself first?? Then, our loved ones don’t have to worry all the time that:

1.     they are making us uncomfortable,

2.     they are asking too much of us,

3.     we are mad at or upset with them,

4.     we are sad or disappointed cuz they aren't meeting our needs or taking care of us,

5.     we will take out our frustration on them (in anger, obnoxiousness, or passive aggression) or on ourselves (in depression, physical illness, or making self-destructive choices).

It's an incredibly "safe," comfortable, serene, even joyful feeling knowing that we both can be completely honest about what we want and need. We take action to meet our own needs, and we openly ask for help (or space) when we need it. So, I'm working on being able to do this much more consistently.

Once we've taken care of our own needs, we have so much more to give others - more energy, more attention and focus, more dedication, more love.

My automatic response in my little situation should have been to notice my discomfort and just said, "please move over, honey, I need more room" without a second thought or concern or even opening my sleeping eyes, for that matter. Of course, then I wouldn't have a post for you today . . . ;-)

This is one of those lessons you won't believe until you try it out, and prove it to yourself - see how you feel after you put yourself first when your instinct says not to. Our instinct to put others first, for whatever reasons, is held deep down, and it's very sneaky. I'm 2 years "recovered," and it still wreaks havoc with my mind occasionally if I'm not careful. Remember: learning and insight can happen pretty quickly, but long lasting change takes a lot of time, trial and error, awareness, and reflection.

Lessons from bad dreams

**Note: I've edited this post since I realized later that I wanted to keep my list of "lessons" in the format of identifying my irrational 2+2=5 beliefs and challenging them with new, rational ideas.**

I woke up with a headache and  sad feeling this morning. I had a bad dream about my mother and my sister. This particular type of dream has been a chronic torment to me since I was young – and even since I’ve been recovered. I want to tell you about the dream cuz I finally realize there’s a lot for us all to learn.

In my dream, we were all staying in a hotel a few hours drive from home, and it was time to go home. I had to work the next day, and it was extremely important that I be there on time, alert and energetic after a full night’s sleep. While I was packing and getting ready to go, both my mom and Leslie kept going missing. I would have to go find them and beg them to hurry up cuz we absolutely needed to get going. As soon as I got one of them to focus on her task, the other would wander off. Time went by like this, and it was now well past dark. My frustration and anger were now out of control. I began trying to motivate them by screaming at them, calling them names, saying horrible mean things to them. I was in a complete panic because it was getting later and later, and I desperately needed to be home in bed. By the time we were all in the car and heading out of the parking lot, I had to use the bathroom. Oh, the agony of having to stop our progress because of my own fault. The shame and guilt sucked the anger and resentment out of me, and I pledged to immediately be nicer and more patient with my mom and sister. But, there was nothing I could do about the intense frustration and sense of panic practically crippling me with tension and bubbling bigger and bigger inside me as my mother insisted on driving a maddening 50 mph on the freeway.

Although the storyline differs, all of my dreams with my mom and sister have the exact same progression of frustration, rage, and panic as I fail over and over at getting them to do something I believe is critically important. This is basically what my whole childhood really felt like. Even when I was a child, it seemed that I could see and understand all the things they “should” have been doing while they both seemed either oblivious or just unmoved.

For example, my mom never could hold a job for long, for whatever reason, while we lived in financial desperation completely dependant on my father’s unreliable child-support checks. To me, it was utterly obvious that she should get and maintain a job. In the beginning, my prodding was supportive: I tried to take some of the house-hold burden off her so she could focus on job-hunting and maintaining. I became fastidious in house-keeping, I make sure to have a hot cup of coffee waiting for her when she woke in the morning and when she home after work, I did the dishes without first fighting with my sister, I was nice – the “good” child.

When she ended up unemployed again, in my frustration and confusion, I tried the opposite tack: to teach her that life would be so much better if she were just to work. I stopped cleaning, there was no need to make her coffee anymore, I started fighting with my sister again (although was not on purpose), and I began to brow-beat and abuse my mother. And, as I’ve said before in this blog, I could be one mean mother-fucker. I was unusually adept in my ability to pin-point a person’s weak spot, and I’d hit that exact spot over and over, relentlessly. I somehow truly believed that this approach would motivate someone to change and begin making the right choices -or what I judged to be “right!”

Maybe I learned that belief from my dad who played a lot of games with his checks based on his level of satisfaction with the three of us. Maybe I picked it up along the way. I have to say it: I see many variations of my old beliefs and behavior in other people today – even my fellow bloggers. Some people seem to believe that they can change others’ behavior by treating them poorly or even by treating themselves poorly, hoping to manipulate others into feeling responsible and changing their behavior.

So, what is there to learn from my dream(s)? Lots. Below are my old faulty conclusions and 2+2=5 beliefs that led to my pain, with my new rational and reasonable arguments refuting them.

1. Irrational Belief: I can change other people's behavior and choices by rewarding their "good" behavior and punishing their "bad" behavior. Rational Idea: You can’t change other people’s behavior by being nice, being mean, by hurting yourself, or any other manipulative behavior. So give up trying. Accept others as they are or get out of the relationship. You don’t really NEED anyone to act the way you WANT them to.
2. Irrational Belief: If my life and the people in it are "out of control" or not as I would like them to be, I'm not working hard enough. Rational Idea: Life and other people can’t be controlled by you. Begin to accept and even appreciate that everyone and everything around you is essentially and utterly “out of control.” It’s only you –your choices, your creative solutions, your behavior that you have control over. And, even then, I think you and I both know, there are many things about ourselves that are out of control, and we would do better to begin to accept and even appreciate that.
3. Irrational Belief: I NEED to have everything just as I expect and want it to be. If things go against my will, I'm screwed. I have no other options. Rational Idea: Begin to identify when you are attached to your own beliefs and sense of “need.” Attachment and rigidity are very and always dangerous to your wellbeing. Being attached to one exact outcome (like my having to get a full night’s rest and be on time to work in my dream) leads to extreme anxiety, frustration, and rage when things inevitably don’t go as you had planned. Being attached to one outcome shuts down your creative thinking about all the myriad satisfying (or better) alternatives you have to choose from. Just look at all the harm created out of my rigid attachment in my dream – family angst, personal torment, physical discomfort, and I may have done lasting damage to all of us with my hurtful, desperate words. Had I instead relaxed and chosen to look for creative alternatives (since my original plan wasn’t working), I may have chosen to call in sick to work (hardly a life-threatening option), relaxed and enjoyed not being responsible for everyone and everything around me for the day. Perhaps I could have chosen to communicate with my family about their own needs and wants rather than insisting that only mine were right for all of us and, in effect, more important than anyone else’s.
4. Irrational Belief: My family should share my values, beliefs, and goals in life. If they don't, they (or I?!) must be really messed up. Rational Idea: Each member of our families is unique, with unique beliefs about what is right and important. We believe, since we share many similarities, our genes, our home, and many experiences, that we should all think and interpret things alike. That is a major 2+2=5 belief that creates a lot of pain that can potentially last a lifetime. Stop expecting and insisting that they all think and value things just like you. They don’t and they won’t. Let it go.
5. Irrational Belief: My family and friends should always be fully supportive, loving, respectful, and proud of me in all my endeavors, whether or not I reciprocate. Rational Idea: As you give, so shall you get. As a child I freely gave out criticism, instructions, judgment, rage, and other expressions of my frustration at others not acting as I deemed they “should” and at life not being as I deemed it “should.” And, look at how I turned out – persistently depressed, angry at the world and everyone in it, panic-stricken and near paralyzed with fear that I should fail at creating the life I judged I “needed” and criticized all others for not having, and bulimic with binging and purging providing the only refuge I found from the overwhelming chaos in my head and my emotions. As I have learned to give compassion and kindness to everyone I meet (for they, too, may be suffering as I had), my efforts have been persistently and reliably rewarded. If you want acceptance, you must accept others just as they are. If you want kindness, you must dole it out to ALL. If you want people to do what you want, make efforts to understand and respect what they want, and perhaps they will better appreciate and respect what you want. Otherwise, forget it. Your stubbornness in insisting your needs are most important will be met with resistance and resentment.
6. Irrational Belief: My life is horrible! My parents screwed me up; my "friends" are never there for me; society just doesn't understand or care about me. If no one steps up and helps me, I'm bound to live a horrible life forever. Rational Idea: We create and maintain our own hell. We certainly don’t intend or want to, but we do, with our attachments and false beliefs and by obsessing over things we have no control over but believe we should. Generally, we aren’t consciously aware that we’re choosing to live our own created hells, because we’re acting according to deeply held beliefs and our own interpretations of right and wrong, good and bad, and “truth.” All we can do is realize at least some of our beliefs are causing us pain and so are wrong, and then work to seek out a trusted teacher or teachers who can help us learn how to think, interpret, and choose more rationally, more healthily, more productively. As we make better choices, we feel better and better, and our hell slowly gives way to heaven.
7. Irrational Belief: I hate my family. I hate my friends. I hate my job. I hate my city. So, my life sucks & there's nothing I can do but trudge through each day, being miserable. Rational Idea: It’s a huge world out there. And, you have infinite opportunities to find the people you want in your life and infinite opportunities to create the life you want. We should all be incredibly grateful for all the opportunities and freedom we have –for each new day to begin again and try again. Use your failures from your past only to give creative guidance to things you still haven’t tried. Keep the lesson, forget the negative emotions and attachment. I mean completely FORGET. Each new day and each new choice are grand experiments – use them to experience and learn as much as you possibly can and move on. Stop thrashing and wailing about the circumstances of your life . . . either take action to change them or accept that your circumstances are just as you maintain them.

Wow, I sure had a lot to say about my dream(s). Perhaps now that I have faced them and all the important lessons hidden in them, I won’t need to have a dream like this anymore – boy, that would be a wonderful miracle. I have faced my past mistakes and my faulty beliefs that led to them. I have challenged those beliefs here in writing, and I have proved to myself just how irrational they were. I have identified alternative options for the future. And, importantly, I have used this time to forgive myself for acting (however regrettably) on those irrational beliefs. It wasn’t my fault that those beliefs took root and grew. Ideally, a teacher of some sort would have sat me down and taught me those lessons way back then. Instead, I was left to figure things out on my own, including how to deal with my confusion that not everyone saw the world and how it should be managed as I did.

One last thought. I’m not religious at all; I’m an atheist, in fact. But, I cherish the “Serenity Prayer.” There is so much wisdom packed into it. It is officially my new, daily mantra. I might just change the “God” part to “Michelle” since I believe the source of all spiritual power is actually within us – all of us.

God, grant me the

serenity to accept the things I cannot change;

courage to change the things I can;

and wisdom to know the difference.

Triggers are the consequence not the cause

Dr. Stacey began an interesting discussion regarding triggers and consequences for us ED folks. It struck me as wrong somehow, so I thought a bit about it, and I’m happy with my response in the comments section. I want to repeat it here.

She described a simple functional analysis of our ED behavior as this:

TriggersàBehaviorsàConsequences

Where the Trigger is the people, places, things, emotions, stimuli, physical symptoms, etc. that lead us to turn to food or not. The Behavior is our particular preference of coping mechanism. And, the Consequences are the positive or negative results of our selected Behavior.

You can read her full post plus several others’ comments here. The below is my response:

I argue that the "triggers" you talk about and that we ED folks fear so much are actually the CONSEQUENCES of our irrational beliefs and interpretations of ourselves and our place in the world. They alone do not cause us to turn to food. At the time we feel triggered, we have already made a big mistake somewhere along the way. The feelings of anxiety, guilt, stress, boredom, fear, regret, resentment, etc. are consequences of our bad beliefs. We turn to food as a last resort to make ourselves feel better. But, if we fix our crap beliefs and learn to make decisions based on rational, reasonable beliefs, we stop feeling those bad feelings. And, subsequently, no urge to turn to food.

I have proven this to myself over and over in the last couple of years since I began working on my crap beliefs. This is the sequence of events:

1)       an irrational, old, subconscious belief leads me to dishonor myself in some way (deny or criticize my own needs or wants, put others’ needs before my own, drive myself to exhaustion, insist on my own perfection, harbor resentment against others, obsessing over my body rather than address something frightening that needs my attention, etc.),

2)       I subsequently feel awful (anxious, guilty, resentful, etc.),

3)       I become paralyzed with my self-defeating feelings and thoughts (as evidenced by my procrastination, lack of energy, depression),

4)       I turn to food for comfort and to quiet the chaos in my head so I can simply function.

5)       Begin at 1) again.

By the time I feel overly anxious or angry or whatever, the damage has already been done. Fighting off the subsequent urge is only temporary. It’s guaranteed that I will get another urge and another until I stop making the self-defeating choice that originally lead me to feel awful and made binging seem like the solution.

When we focus on stopping the coping mechanism, we are failing to deal with the underlying crap that make us feel so bad in the first place that we NEED something to help us cope. We will continue to NEED a coping mechanism until we fight our irrational beliefs that cause us to feel bad.

I’ve found a great book that explains this all very clearly and simply - Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back.

I believe the functional analysis really should look like this:

Irrational beliefàSelf-defeating decisionàBad consequences (triggers, bad thoughts and feelings)àAddictive behavior

We all know our addictive behavior has horrible consequences (loneliness, rotten teeth, death) but knowing this does nothing to stop us from turning to our coping mechanism. Nothing - except to make us feel worse.

Like I said, by the time we get to the addictive behavior stage, it's way too late. Not many people have the will-power to white-knuckle it through the subsequent urges. I never did. Good thing my recovery was based on fighting my irrational beliefs in stage #1 of the process.

In addition, I think the placement of triggers at the beginning of the process is actually dangerous cuz it leads us to believe that we must avoid anything that might be triggering – stressful situations, a bad day, difficult people, loss, change or uncertainty, new experiences that could be frightening or (God-forbid) overwhelming, or whatever.

But, that’s not realistic or even reasonable at all. To try to avoid these things is to live in a bubble. Is it really living at all?

But, instead, if we fight the irrational beliefs such as the ones we’ve discussed so much in the last few weeks, we’ll find within us just enough courage and self-trust to push through the fear and accomplish what we want and need to. With every tiny little success, we gain courage and self-confidence and fear loses its death-grip of control over us. We soon realize that we can face stress, difficult people, new experiences, hardships, etc. knowing that we’re strong enough and creative enough to get through it just fine.

We make fewer and fewer self-defeating decisions, and so we never have to experience the triggers or addictive coping behavior again. The urges just fade away.

On Anger & Irritation

I was thinking more about what I wrote last night. I want to clarify a few things. First of all, I do still feel the initial rush of anger and irritation, but:

1.       I believe that with continued learning and practice and dedication, this will continue to diminish in my life. I’m committed to fighting it for the rest of my life. As Laurel Mellin would say, it’s my sweetest fruit.

2.       I do not know whether or not this commitment of mine is necessary or even significantly meaningful for everyone or anyone else. It’s just that I spent literally my whole life up until age 34 surrounded by anger, meanness, and resentment, either by my family or in myself. I’m sick of all that. It’s done nothing but make me, my family, and others close to us miserable.

3.       I do believe that many of you have learned to suppress your anger and/or turn it on yourself. And, so, many of you will actually need to learn how to feel it, express it in a safe way, and work through it to what lies beneath. Laurel Mellin’s program seems like it would be really good for this. I’m still planning to talk more about her method here. Her process always begins, in fact, with you saying to yourself and/or a safe supportive partner, “I feel angry that . . . “

4.       As I said yesterday, anger and it’s little sister, irritation, almost always are easy cover ups for something more difficult for us to deal with. This is what I want to write about today.

I was actually just talking with Todd about this last weekend. I had learned in my reading and had explored it on my own enough to believe it . . . irritation and annoyance with people (I'm not talking about full-blown anger, however) are very often (always?) a cover up for jealousy and/or a feeling of unfairness. Sounds radical, huh? Todd didn’t believe me either. He said that irritation is natural and unavoidable. I ask, is it really? What purpose does it serve except to get us upset? Do you enjoy feeling irritated and annoyed? Why is it that some people seem to so easily let things roll off their backs without getting upset? It was questions like these that pushed me to face my scary inner demons and really FEEL what was under my frequent irritation. I proved to myself that, for me, it really was (is) some crazy sense of unfairness and jealousy.  You have to deeply and very honestly explore your own irritation to prove it to yourself. Here are some specific examples from my own life:

·          I work hard and stay focused at my job, and I get irritated at my co-workers when I observe them wasting time just chatting with each other, taking long lunches, and spending way too long at what seems to be weekly birthday parties during the afternoon. What I’m REALLY feeling, however, is jealousy that they never get reprimanded by the bosses for wasting time. Their days seems much easier and less stressful than mine. They seem to really enjoy each other, while I feel like an outsider so often. Plus, I would feel really guilty if I took so much personal time during the day. I envy them that they so thoroughly enjoy their time without even an inkling of guilt or worry.

·          I was irritated by my ex-roommate who took up a whole garage space with the crap he was storing there. I hated that I would always stub my toe on something when I walked through there. I hated that the landlord (Todd) just let him do it and never said a word. I, on the contrary, had all my crap stuffed into my closets, corners, and jammed under my bed, making everything feel cramped and chaotic. Underneath all that, I was jealous that I chose to do that rather than risk getting the landlord annoyed with me. I was jealous that my roommate was getting away with it, with no adverse consequences. And, once again, I envied the fact that he had no quilt or other qualms about using so much space. If I used up some of Todd’s personal space, I would feel uncomfortable and guilty.

·          I get irritated when cars are speeding and cutting me off. I complain to myself, “what jerks! Where’s a cop when you need one?!” But, underneath that, I’m jealous that they all seem to get away with it. I, on the other hand, always seem to get a ticket when I speed or do something stupid. It’s not fair. Plus, I’m so damn jealous of the fact that they go on being selfish and dangerous apparently (I assume) without a second thought about it. I wish I didn’t feel so damned guilty when I do stuff like that!!

Now, when I dig out those unpleasant, self-defeating feelings like envying others for not feeling guilty, I remind myself that I LIKE the choices I make for myself. I RESPECT myself more when I drive carefully, when I take responsibility for myself and my stuff, when I work hard and earn my pay. I cherish feeling good about myself for doing what I respect and admire. I do not feel good about myself when I’m selfish or put others in jeopardy or cheat or don’t do my best. And, that’s the way I want it. So, I stare down my jealousy and envy and remind myself that I WANT to live according to my heart. I WANT to feel good about the choices I make. I DON’T want to live life “getting away” with stuff.

I suggest to you that you try this exercise in brutal self-exploration and honesty. Your challenge is to turn irritation into compassion for yourself, acceptance of yourself as an imperfect human being like all the rest of us, and unconditional love and forgiveness for yourself for that. You should all then take a moment to feel very proud of yourself (sorry Gabrielle!) that you faced down a very scary inner demon and are on your way to becoming better, happier, and lighter.

By the way, I would like to express my gratitude to Gabrielle for lighting the creative file under my butt to do some good writing!

Poison Oak is NOT conducive to maintaining a positive attitude!

Grrrr.  I can't TAKE it anymore! I am covered with horrid poison oak - ALL over me.

I got it from my dog! My roommate takes her along with his dogs on an hour long hike every day (lucky bugger works from home), which I am SO grateful for and don't want to stop. But, apparently the trails are crawling with the stuff thanks to all the rain we've had lately. He's not allergic to it, so he hasn't worried about it. But, it would have been nice, since he knows that I sleep with my baby girl under the sheets all cuddled up with me, had he thought to ask if I was allergic or not. Arrrgh.

So, I have been miserable. It got a TON worse over what was supposed to be a relaxing, carefree 3-day weekend wine tasting with friends in the Santa Barbara wine country (a la the movie Sideways).

So, I apologize for not grappling with some very important questions posed to me by readers. It's hard to type (let alone focus) when you're busy either scratching furiously or wiping the ooze before it bubbles over onto your desk chair. I hope you understand.

Love, Your very itchy, oozy, whiny friend in recovery.

BPD and Rage

People with Borderline Personality Disorder (and many bulimics) often have issues with sudden, uncontrollable anger or rage. This is actually what I consider my number one problem because I turn anger into self-destructive thoughts and behaviors. My second biggest worry is my panic attacks, while bulimia is only my third. I have put myself in very dangerous positions (usually involving my car) when I wind myself up into a rage from what I perceive to be a personal attack on me.

What I do, and I bet some of you do the same to some extent, is imagine getting into all kinds of heated arguments and fights with other people, even long after they’ve driven or walked away. When I do this, I say that I’m telling myself bad stories. I have a vivid and wild imagination when it comes to making up arguments in my head, and I can get myself unbelievably angry and upset. And, then I have a really hard time calming down again.

For example, every time someone cuts me off while I’m driving or doesn’t use a turning signal or something, I envision getting into an accident as a consequence of their actions. Next, I vividly envision the argument that ensues when the cops arrive. I then usually make it much worse, envisioning my adversary being the better arguer and making the accident sound like it was my fault. I try arguing back, but I’m so angry, I become irrational, and eventually the cop has no choice but to put all the blame squarely on my shoulders, even though it wasn’t my fault at all. By this point in my ‘day-dream,’ my heart is beating wildly, my breathing is fast and shallow, and I’m completely upset and in a full blown rage. At times, I can carry this anger and victim mentality with me throughout the rest of the day. And, you know what, it was created completely in my own mind! Isn’t this unbelievable??

I find that I do this with my friends and boyfriends as well if I perceive them to be doing something that will hurt me, directly or indirectly. I always really regret this later when I calm down and realize I was responding irrationally – because I interpreted their actions incorrectly or I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the time.

Since my mind is the source of almost all of my upset and anger, I’ve been working REALLY hard at stopping the bad stories as soon as I feel them starting. Last week I felt like I was making real progress at this. Of course, this morning’s commute was a disaster, and as soon as I had let go of the anger from one incident, another idiot driver would piss me off! It was the toughest commute I’ve had in a long time. I clearly have much more work to do in this area! At least I’m almost all calm now, only one hour later. I consider that a success since, in my past, I could stay angry for hours or all day.

I actually think that putting our efforts to stopping the bad thoughts as soon as they begin is slightly more important than putting our efforts to maintaining positive, good thoughts at all times. In reality, stuff happens to us that makes us angry and upset. Completely denying that anger and upset is best left to the really enlightened people like Gandhi or Mother Theresa or people like that. It’s how we, as normal human beings, recover from our anger that determines how we feel about ourselves.

I am really good at making myself feel bad. But, I am working really hard to stop doing that. I will allow myself to feel angry at the other driver’s stupidity, but only for an instant. I will not allow myself to blow it out of proportion or carry it around with me anymore. I turn on a calming song to focus on; I pet my dog if she’s in the car; I focus on a happy memory (you should have one always at the ready, even if you use the same one over and over again); I focus on deep breathing techniques; I repeat my affirmations over and over. Using these healthy responses, I am learning to release my anger quickly and easily.

Taken from Sometimes I Act Crazy, Living with Borderline Personality Disorder:

“As opposed to other expressions of anger, Borderline rage is marked by a suddenness and unpredictability that could be described as emotional spontaneous combustion. Even though Borderlines may seem to explode for no ostensible reason, the anger is always present, lying hidden under the surface, suppressed by the fear of abandonment, or turned inward and transformed into self-destructive behavior.”

“Often there is no buildup or observable progression. Calm may be shattered by a violent eruption spurred on by a minor incident.” “Fury can be so overpowering that it might distort reality.”

“For many Borderlines, anger derives from frustration. Continuous disappointment simmers undetected and eventually boils into a fury directed blindly at a hostile world. In other cases, the anger may be camouflaged by ostensibly opposite behavior, such as trying to please everyone, regardless of the price. In these situations the borderline tries to avoid his anger by covering it over; yet, ironically, his fruitless quest for reciprocal nurturing only increases the frustration.

Once again, we must work to identify when we are allowing our anger to become irrational, and we must interrupt those bad thoughts immediately. We are re-training our minds to react in a healthier way. We will get better and faster at this with consistent practice and effort.