Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Skiing, insecurity, and my need for control

Todd and I went skiing this past weekend up at Mammoth. It was the first time I’ve skied in California. The snow was great, and it wasn’t too cold. We went with another couple and stayed in a on-mountain condo. It was ski-in/ski-out, so it was super convenient but, of course, super expensive. I’m still waiting on my year-end bonus – now I really need it! Another couple that are good friends of ours also just happened to be up there on their own. We skied a bunch with them, too. We all had a blast. The 5 hour car ride on Friday and again on Sunday was definitely NOT fun, though. Hopefully, our friends will send us some photos that I can post – I forgot to take some.

I was freaking out a bit too much about the cost of everything while we were there. Our friends picked out the place, and we didn’t know how much it cost until I asked how much we owed them. I almost swallowed my tongue when they told me. Add in the cost of the lift tickets, and suddenly, Todd and I had spent a LOT of money on just 2 days.

But, I’ve been listening to a great CD in my car, called The Power of Self-Coaching by Dr. Joseph J. Luciani, and the author just happened to be talking on my Monday morning commute about how worrying so much about things is really a self-defeating form of control. If we dream up every awful potential outcome possible, we won't be taken off guard when the worst occurs - we'll be prepared, and we retain control. The obsessive need to be prepared for every awful outcome stems from our inability to TRUST that we’re capable of figuring out an acceptable solution WHEN the time comes.

My need to have such tight-reined control over money is a glaring street sign that I still don’t trust my ability to take care of myself financially or to handle financial challenges.

Yikes.

I also realized how I was choosing to obsess over the money rather than be grateful that 1) I really CAN afford to splurge once in awhile, and 2) I had this wonderful opportunity to do something that I love with people that I love. For goodness’ sake, I ACTUALLY CRIED after finishing my first run on Saturday morning. I was just so moved by how amazingly wonderful it felt to ski on a beautiful morning on perfect snow in such a beautiful place as Mammoth mountain! Why the hell couldn’t I stop thinking about the cost of it all?

The Power of Self-Coaching had the answer: I’ve still got some very bad habits around control and money. I’ve made huge strides in acknowledging when I’m frightened but pushing through it anyway (my job search is a great example), but money is definitely a sticky issue with me. I rationalize my worry by arguing that I’m all I’ve got in the world. If I get into trouble, there is no one there to bail me out. I’m not worried about the here and now so much since I have friends and Todd and the skills and ability to go out and make more money. But, what about when I’m old? I don’t have family, and I don’t plan to create any by having children. I do plan on being completely alone at some point when I’m very old, and that’s ok with me. But, it is totally crappy and unhealthy to be worrying about “what if” I’m broke and alone and kicked out into the street when I’m 85 years old?! I’m planning and saving for my old age as best I can now, and who is to say that I won’t get hit by a truck tomorrow? I’ve wasted so much of my youth and life worrying about something that may never even come close to happening – particularly considering how much effort I’m putting into SAVING for my old age!

I highly recommend the book or CD to you. The author talks a lot about all this “what if’ing” that really screws with our heads. He is VERY wordy, and he gets a VERY slow start. But, there’s a lot of great stuff in there if you’re patient. It’s all very similar to the approach my coach used with me in recovery. The key is hyper-awareness of what you’re doing to yourself, when you start doing it, and how to stop it.

Check out the author’s “blog” posts right in the Amazon.com book write up. He writes:

“Self-Coaching reduces all conflict (especially anxiety, panic, and depression) to two words: insecurity and control. By understanding how, because of reflexive habits of insecurity, you’ve gravitated toward a life of control (i.e., worrying, rumination, perfectionism, compulsion, etc.) you are in a position to begin seeing exactly what can be done to eliminate psychological friction from your life. The key to psychological well-being is learning what you’re doing that feeds the reflexive habits of insecurity (i.e., worry, doubts, fears, and negatives) and what you can do to starve these habits.”

I got the job!

AND, although it was very scary for me, I negotiated to start the new job a week later than I originally let on that I would be available. This will allow me to get my bonus, learn of my raise (good for job history), and maybe even take a couple of days off before I start. I went back and forth on just giving my notice and forfeiting the bonus. But, I wanted that bonus, I deserved it, and I was going to communicate my wants to the new company. I was petrified that they would decide I wasn’t worth waiting for, but I pushed myself to take that scary step of telling them what I wanted, and I GOT IT! AND, perhaps even more important, I have strengthened my self-confidence, my courage, my trust in myself that my wants are valid, important, and worth the respect of others.

Yay!

This is a good example of why I always say you have to push through your fear each and every day. Look how I’ve grown from this one little, though significantly frightening, experience.

Cycle on loss

I did a cycle tonight on my inability to cope with loss. Remember cycles? It’s been awhile. For people unfamiliar with Laurel Mellin, she basically teaches people how to balance self-discipline with self-nurturing. I think this works really well for bulimics because we tend to swing wildly between over-discipline and over-nurturing (over the top indulgence to soothe ourselves).

You can check out my old ones below, in chronological order.

I used Laurel Mellin's stuff today! (9/3/06)

Getting unstuck - what do I really want? (9/17/06)

Major cycle on my "value" and worthiness for healthy meals (9/19/06)

Cycle on people being mad at me or hating me (10/2/06)

Cycle on hopelessness (10/17/06)

I had begun going through coping.org’s section on Handling Loss, and although it was sad, I wasn’t learning anything new. I kept thinking that I DO know how to cope with loss – there must be something else, something deeper that is tripping me up right now. So, I pulled out my old cycle template, and just began to write. It’s amazing how the cycle started in one place and ended up in another. I had no idea that the reason I was so afraid of loss was that I had seen how just one significant loss completely trashed my parents’ lives. Of COURSE I became the master of loss avoidance! It seems so clear now, but I couldn’t have learned that without going through the cycle and just letting the emotion and the thoughts come out freely with no judgment and no censoring.

I’m posting the cycle in full here. My most sincere wish is that you begin to see the incredible power in them and that you one day decide to try it for yourself. Although I would VERY strongly suggest you read Laurel’s book in full before you try it. My first time, I jumped into it without finishing the book, and I ended up with my head in the fridge in a complete emotional wreck.

Here goes:

Thinking Journal: I’ve had a lot of loss in my life. Not really more than a lot of other people. But, a lot of loss very early when I shouldn’t have had to deal with it. And, even if I had to deal with it, it would have been nice if I had a role model for dealing well with loss. Or, maybe if someone could have actively helped me deal with it. Or, maybe if I saw someone actually DEAL with their loss rather than deny it or hide their pain or whatever emotions they had. My mom dealt with the loss of her marriage by drinking and by dropping out. She coped with cigarettes and sleep. My dad dealt with the loss of his marriage and his children by getting really, really angry. And mean. No one thought to help the children deal with the loss of a safe and quiet and peaceful home. No one helped the children deal with sudden loss of security: financial, emotional security and a consistent home. I never had a role model. I never learned how to cope with loss. I lost friends and pets, and I’m sure I cried. I remember my mom hugging me. But, I don’t remember ever talking about it. Have I been just pretending all along to deal with all this loss??

Which makes me sad . . . because I just don’t know if I actually dealt with any of it at all. I feel confused and worried and so damn sad. I have been crying and weepy for over a week for the tiniest little reasons. And, I don’t know what I need or how to make it better.

Which makes me scared . . . I’m scared that I’ve just been stuffing down my grief. How am I to know? I don’t know. But, I don’t think I’m just crying over that little dog anymore. I’m getting really freaked out. I’m scared that I know now how much fear of loss has really affected my decision making.

Which makes me sad . . . how could I have experienced all those losses and no one taught me how to deal with them?

I’m feel angry . . . I don’t feel angry.

I feel guilty . . . I don’t feel guilty.

Are my expectations reasonable? As a child, my expectations were that people just shrugged off painful losses. I also expected that significant loss will severely affect a person for the rest of their lives. Once you have a really severe loss, you’re life is probably going to go down the tubes. If you lose your marriage and partner, you’re going to become helpless and paralyzed and impoverished or you’re going to be so consumed with anger that your health, work, and later relationships pale in importance to that rage. I never fucking saw anybody DEAL. I just saw everyone completely crumble for the rest of their lives.

And that makes me angry . . . what the fuck was their problem?! Couldn’t they see that life is not supposed to be like that? Couldn’t they see that even though they lost something really important, there was still so much of really high value in life that was just slipping away?? How could they just let it all slip away and not do anything about it? Didn’t they value their children at all? Their happiness? Their security and safety in the world? How could they not realize how their inability to cope was teaching their kids some really bad fucking lessons about life? Why couldn’t they just get the fuck over it already?

Which makes me sad . . . that the failure of their marriage really did completely wreck them for life. My father recovered for a bit after my mom died. I guess he felt like a huge burden was lifted. I remember that he lost weight and he became much nicer. We ended up having a really nice relationship for 2 or 3 years. But, then something snapped in him again. I’ve recently begun to believe maybe he saw some of my mom’s old traits in me. After watching him so consumed with hatred toward her all my life, it’s not a stretch to see him feeling negative emotion toward me.

Now I feel guilty . . . I feel guilty that I never saw all this before. I feel guilty that I never comprehended just how derailing the failure of their marriage was. I feel guilty because I was very excited for them to divorce, because that meant no more screaming fights. But, I never thought for a moment that they might actually be sad about the divorce. I was very happy about it; surely they were too? I feel guilty that it never occurred to me that their life plan for a lifetime of happy marriage and family had so completely unraveled.

Which makes me sad . . . because once again, I’m angry with myself for not treating my mom better during our short time together and not seeing how sad she must have been. But I didn’t know how to reach out to my mother. More and more I understand there was nothing I could do to help her. People have to decide to get help and to learn how to cope all on their own. A child can never help her parents, how can a child have any skills to teach their parents? Children just learn all their parents’ dysfunctions. Then, they have to relearn later. My mom died when I was just 22. I’m just learning now how to live well now in my 30s. I didn’t have enough time.

Are my expectations reasonable? Yes, as a child I learned that a big loss can mess you up for life so you had better be very careful. Of course I learned to be terrified of death and divorce and having people get really mad at you.

What is a reasonable expectation now? A reasonable expectation is that I can do what my parents, sadly, never did: reach out and learn how to lose. I can learn. I can get help. I can learn to have even significant, heart-breaking, soul wrecking losses and go on to be happy and even joyful in time. I will not allow a big loss to wreck me or my life. I won’t allow it. I will go on to thrive and be happy and UNAFRAID no matter what happens. Loss is a part of life. It does NOT have to wreck a life.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that my parents’ lives were ruined by the inability to cope in a healthy way with a major loss. The essential pain is that I, too, probably have not dealt fully with all of my own losses in life. The essential pain is that my fear of loss and the subsequent effects have led me to make bad decisions – decisions that may have kept me safe from the risk of loss but that have keep me alone and isolated. And afraid. I may have lost out on a lot because of this fear and these irrational beliefs.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I won’t have to be so afraid of losing in my life. The earned reward is that I can open my heart wider and to more people and things and experiences. I can love more and let down my guard more. I can handle the inevitable losses that we all face, plus perhaps some really unexpected and shocking losses, and never have to worry about ending up like my parents. I can make more decisions from my heart and not my fearful, irrational head. I can experience so much more of life than I ever dared to before.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . that I found Laurel Mellin’s stuff on cycles. I feel so grateful that I have all of you to motivate me to get better every day so that I can help you to get better every day. I feel so grateful that Todd is at the beach right now so I can wail and cry and yell all I want tonight. I feel grateful that I am going to work through this and be free of even more fear that I didn’t even know I was harboring so deeply. I am so thankful that I’m going to be free.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that, even though I’m still bawling, I know that I’m on my way. I feel happy that I didn’t wait another day before I sat down and worked this cycle. I feel happy that I’ve finally got this all out in the open, where I can now debate and work with my fear of loss in a conscious, rational way. I feel happy that I’ve proven to myself that I will NEVER LET A LOSS DERAIL MY LIFE. AND, I NO LONGER HAVE TO BE AFRAID TO LOSE.

I feel secure . . . that I’m on my way to conquering this fear and finally learning how to cope in a healthy way with loss. I feel secure that everything is going to be just fine.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that I decided to push myself to sit down and do this cycle, even though it would have been much easier to just turn the TV on, or even to reply to some blog emails. I feel proud I chose the most important activity this evening. I feel proud that I am a very capable and creative and spiritually growing individual – I am strong and getting stronger every day. I feel proud that I am creating a wonderful life with lots of love and courage and daring. I feel proud that I’m smiling and calm right now. Even though it’s been awhile, I did this cycle just right!

Quotes on fear & self-defeating choices

"To understand why you continue to choose behaviors that work against your best interests, you need first to recognize the degree to which fear shapes your thoughts and actions."

"Behind every self-defeating behavior lies a faulty conclusion about ourselves or our world."

Milton R. Cudney: Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back

See this older post for more on faulty conclusions: On irrational thinking

This made me cry it was so beautiful

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.”

Had this man not pushed through all his self-doubt and fear, the world would have missed out on one incredible, beautiful voice. And, he may have had regret all the days of his life, wondering what could have been . . .

Great quote on fear and valor

It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement. And at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

President Theodore Roosevelt

Paris 1910

A good example of the power of our fears over our bodies

Here is a great little story that I think demonstrates really well how our psychological fears have a huge amount of control over how our bodies function. This gives me hope for my sexual future now that my fears have a spotlight focused on them here with you, in my own mind, and in my relationship. I know that fears often don't last too long when you're focused on fighting them in a rational and honest way.

My parents, when they were first together, really wanted to have kids (they actually did love each other and want a family together for at least a little while before they decided it would be better, instead, to try to kill each other!). They focused on it, they worked on it, and nothing happened. The pressure mounted. The fears mounted. They had so much of their hopes and dreams and visions of their lives pinned on the presence of children in their home, that I'm sure that each month that went by with no results became more "proof" that their future was sure to be bleak. (This is also a great example of how ATTACHMENT to things can really wreck your life - see my previous posts and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra for more on the serious problem of attachment.)

My mom, at age 30, was considered kind of old for having kids back then. I'm sure that played significantly into the fear and doubt they battled. This was way before the age of artificial insemination, but, had it been around, I bet my parents would at least have looked into it, even though it is enormously expensive.

In the end, they gave up hope that they could ever have children of their own, and they turned to adoption. They managed to adopt my sister, Leslie, right after she was born, and she was home with her new family at only 2 days of age.

With their excitement and joy and love, the burden of fear and pressure to conceive was completely lifted. Their dreams were realized, though not in the traditional way. And, they were fulfilled.

And, strangely enough, 3 months after they brought their new daughter home, they conceived. They hadn't even been trying anymore! It was just a simple act of love, and, hello world, here I come!

You see? Our minds significantly shape our reality - not just in how we interpret the world around us, like I have always focused on in this blog, but also in how our bodies are able to engage in that reality.

How do you think your mind might be affecting your body??

The amazing power of the truth (or "Sex, Part II")

This is part 2 of a short series on the glorious eradication of my last (hopefully!) irrational belief that has kept me thinking and acting in dysfunctional and self-destructive ways, even 2+ years after my recovery. Please read Part 1 here first.

It amazes me that I can be 36 years old, 2+ years recovered from bulimia, rage, depression, and panic disorder, and STILL be unable to deal honestly with my sexual realities! This is exactly why you (and I) cannot stop working on growth, self-awareness, and open, honest communication (with others AND ourselves) just because we no longer actively binge and purge. This stuff is all connected. You can blame it on having learned the wrong things growing up or just plain old bad self-esteem. But, the effects are the same.

Use my story as proof of this: if you find yourself persistently bothered or unhappy about something, you need to get it out into the light, focus on it, research it, ask for help if you need it, and work to FIX IT. Don’t keep telling yourself that you have to learn to live with it. You don’t. Just like with bulimia recovery, you simply do not yet have the right information and tools. Get off your ass, and DO SOMETHING about it.

The problem that I was dishonest with Todd about is that I don’t physically crave sex. Yikes – there it is in writing for the whole world to see. I do enjoy the emotional and psychological aspects of it. But, physically, I could take it or leave it. Mostly, I would prefer to leave it. Yikes again.

I have most often blamed my lack of sex drive on the various medications I’ve taken over the years to deal with my anxiety, depression, and bulimia. I figure I’ve been on something or another for probably 10 out of the 13 years since I first really “got” sex at age 23. Losing sex drive is a very well known side effect of all these medications. But, because I don’t have a long enough history of being sexual without being on meds, I honestly don’t know if there is more to it. Of course, I’ve always been very scared and somewhat convinced there is much more to it.  That fear has been incredibly powerful.

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SIDEBAR

I know many of you are quite young and not yet having sex. Based on my own experience, if you have an ED (or not), I would highly recommend that you delay becoming sexual until you recover or at least until you reach your early to mid-twenties. I had my first sexual experience at age 17, and I never enjoyed it until I was 23 when I had my first orgasm. My first orgasm, by the way, was by myself! It took many more months for me to be able to have one with an actual partner! All that time without “getting” sex just made me more neurotic that I wasn’t “normal.” This made it even harder for me to enjoy it. It was always just an incredible amount of pressure and anxiety, that continued to build over the years.

I strongly urge you to wait until you’ve learned:

1) to trust yourself: your wants, your body, your intuition, your values,

2) to say no, mean it, and feel good about it no matter what the repercussions,

3) to be able to communicate about sex openly and honestly with your partner.

Sex can really complicate relationships. And, trust me, if you are an obsessive thinker or worrier (I bet many or most of you are!), sex will add a whole new layer of stuff to obsess about on a daily basis.

Please, do yourself a loving and self-affirming favor that you will surely thank yourself for later . . . just wait.

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Just like with most if not all secrets, eventually the truth comes out. And, for Todd or anyone from whom the truth is withheld, it feels like he has been lied to all that time. And, it hurts him. And, it scares him. I thought for sure we wouldn’t make it another week when I first was truthful to Todd.

Todd has had quite a few relationships where, a year or so in, the woman comes out with a secret about her true nature – something she hadn’t felt safe to reveal before. Todd is left realizing the woman he fell in love with was just a façade – just make believe. He is left struggling to get to know this new person while simultaneously mourning the loss of the woman he thought he knew so well. And, here I am, almost two years into our relationship, doing the exact same thing. Of course, I didn’t really want to tell him about my little secret – I just simply couldn’t hide it well enough anymore.

Todd expected, from his own experiences and conditioning, that given enough time with me playing my charade, I would end up resenting him. I hate to admit it, but this is 100% true. It happened in every one of my long-term relationships. I ended up comparing my compromise –my sacrifice- to what they gave to me. They always came up very far short. A secret is a huge weight to bear. Add that burden to the pressure and anxiety of trying to work up the motivation and energy (or an excuse) for the possibility of sex every night we went to bed together, and it would be very difficult for a man to give to me in equal measure . . . especially considering that I always found it very difficult if not impossible to ASK for what I wanted from him, in bed or out. And, in all my years, I have never dated a man who could read my mind. So, I reacted automatically to Todd’s upset at learning my secret with defensiveness, anger, and, yes, resentment. Only later could I comprehend how much I had hurt him.

My rationale, however faulty, for not being honest was simple: what good could possibly come of it? I had no idea how to solve my sex drive problem. What could HE possible do to solve it? Perhaps he would try harder: that would only add to the pressure, now weighing on us both. Perhaps he would feel responsible and embarrassed; that’s the last thing I wanted. No, it always seemed a much better idea to just keep it myself. That would at least eliminate some of the pressure: the pressure of having to try to explain, to constantly reassure, to perform.

My sex issues are the number 1 reason why I’ve always figured I would end up alone, no matter how much I love my boyfriend or how much I love having a partner to share life with. I guess I always knew deep down that this is too big a secret. It is too much pressure; too big a burden. It breeds too much resentment. It would be so much easier to just be alone.

This is why I am so incredibly thankful that it all blew up with Todd last week.

We had a really tough and scary couple of days. But, since then, I have felt incredibly free and light and hopeful. My vision of my life has changed dramatically with just a little honest communication, albeit with me feeling scared to death . . . We are both committed to figuring this out together. I stopped my anti-anxiety meds on Saturday. For good. No more. I'm not hiding behind them anymore. I plan to discuss my sex drive with my doctor the next time I go in. And, Todd and I are going to spend a lot of time and energy exploring, communicating, and trying new things - even if I continue to feel awkward and scared.

I want to have physical desire for sex. I want to feel that rush of excitement while looking forward to a romantic evening with the man I love. I want it. I deserve it. I’m going to work to achieve it. No more hiding behind my faulty beliefs, my shame, my anxiety, my secrets, my judgments that I’m doomed to be this way forever.

And, strangely enough, I’m feeling significantly friskier already. I guess that’s the power of letting go of a burdensome secret and being honest, even if you're scared to death.

Think about it.

The truth shall set you free

As I just barely mentioned in the second to last paragraph in this post, my relationship with Todd has not been perfect, not that a wonderful, happy relationship has to be perfect or will, in fact, ever be. But, there was one problem that, we now realize, probably would have ruined us forever. Maybe not this week, but surely somewhere down the line.

The problem was that I wasn’t honest with him about something. I am spilling my guts here to you (even though it’s still embarrassing to me) because I believe this is very important for all of you, too. I have been committed since day 1 of this blog to be completely honest with you, so here it all is . . . even though it took a crisis and over 2 years to get here.

The reasons I wasn’t honest with Todd, why I felt I couldn’t be honest, are exactly what I write about all the time. The bottom line is this:

1)       I had irrational beliefs based on past conditioning. And, I felt the risks were just too big to push beyond those fears to actually test them.  I tell you all the time that you have to take risks to prove to yourself that most of your fears are irrational so you can push through them and defeat them forever, especially now that you’re an adult and probably dealing with people who aren’t the ones who conditioned you to develop these irrational beliefs in the first place.

2)       Perhaps because I didn’t work on these specific issues with my coach during recovery, I wasn’t entirely consciously aware that my choices in this area were being controlled by these irrational beliefs. I knew I wasn’t being honest, but I couldn’t identify that my rationale for being dishonest was irrational and so needed to be focused on in a conscious, active way.

The second point above is why I think this discussion, in this post and the short series to follow, may be one of the most important so far in this blog. The topic is hugely relevant to every one of you as it is to me. But, it’s just not often explored publicly, even with my every expensive coach who knew I was completely messed up about most things in life, and I was dependent on him to teach me everything from scratch. Even I haven’t felt comfortable “going there” in my blog, although I talk about just about everything else.

So, what was the thing that probably would have broken Todd and me up someday? What was the last issue (hopefully!) that I have continued to harbor dangerous, controlling, irrational beliefs about that unconsciously threatened the life I want for myself, even as I work so hard consciously to create it?

SEX

So, there it is. We have to talk about it. And, we’re going to use me as the prime example of why we have to talk about it.

Sex is a very important and integral component of adulthood. Most people want to someday get married and have kids. But, NO ONE can get around dealing with sex – in relationships or even alone with ourselves. We have biological urges for intimacy, for the physical expression of love for others, and, let’s be totally truthful, for simply “getting off.” We can’t help it. We’re biologically built with these urges (some people more than others, of course) just to keep the species alive, if nothing else.

So, consciously dealing with sex and our feelings and beliefs about it is really just as important as consciously dealing with food and our feelings and beliefs about that. If you can’t deal well emotionally and communicate openly about sex, you’re going to eventually have problems. Perhaps you’ll avoid relationships, perhaps you’ll take out your anxiety and frustration about it using food, perhaps you’ll use a different coping/avoiding mechanism like fighting or creating drama. I’ve used all of these in my adult life. And, I always end up wrecking relationships, as well as my physical health, happiness, and sanity.

But, the time came for me (not willingly or courageously, that’s for sure) to ‘fess up to Todd. Get comfy with this topic, I’ll be sharing more tomorrow.

Told another good friend

Last night Todd & I spent some time with some very old friends of mine. We have been close friends since attending college together way back when. I haven’t seen them in two years, but last night was like we hadn’t missed a beat. It was really nice. After a bunch of drinks, I gave my friend my business card with my blog on it. I hadn’t ever told him about my bulimia. But, something tells me he knows a lot about me that he never let on. I lived with him and his brother when I first came out to LA. I’m in California (and so happy for that) because of them. They invited me to stay with them on their couch until I got set up on my own. They’ve both been wonderful friends for so many more reasons than that, too.

So, I’m a bit anxious to talk with him about my site and blog. I hope that he will contact me sometime after he has taken a look at it. If I don’t hear from him, I’ll give him a call in a week or so. For some reason, I would really like to talk with him about it.

This is a big step for me. I have only told one of my old friends. My darn ego makes me feel nervous about it – like I’m afraid they’ll judge me and not want to be close with me anymore (abandonment), or that they’ll look down on me or think I’m an awful person. It’s human nature to be scared of these things. But, an enlightened person pushes through the fear to do what is right for them in their heart. Last night before I left the house, I made sure to put some business cards in my purse. I knew in my heart I wanted to give him one. And, so I did.

On Suicide . . .

Let’s talk about it.

It’s depressing. It’s horrifying.

But, it happens. We need to talk about it. I realize that this post is a bit meandering. But, as happens sometimes, I just want to write out all my thoughts, as meandering as they may be. I hope you can get something out of it, too.

I’ve been listening to the CD of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and he talks about suicide a lot, so I've been thinking about it a lot (plus, it seems to be occurring in our little community quite a bit lately). He blames it mostly on what he calls the “existential vacuum” which is the lack of an identifiable purpose in life, having no clear reason to live. It is a cross-cultural and age-independent experience and problem. It’s not that an individual’s circumstances are so obviously horrific or unbearable. Rather, it’s that there is just no clear reason to continue on.

This vacuum can happen to rich and poor alike; to people who seemingly have everything in the world – just no purpose. It happens a lot to parents after their children are grown and have moved away. It happens to older people after their spouse passes away. It happens to people who finally achieve a long-standing dream. This is what happened to me after I finished college. My big childhood dream was to get into a good college. After that was done, I had no idea what to do next, and I feel into a depression.

This explanation doesn’t explain my sister, Leslie’s suicide 3 years ago. She had a purpose and big dreams that were very important to her. She had a little sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister program, who was just the light of her life. They had been together for quite a few years. She also loved her job of a makeup artist – it was her creative passion and her profession (the perfect match). She had concrete and developing plans for one day creating a non-profit organization dedicated to helping poor women to get on their feet and get out in the world and get a career. Leslie would never admit it, but our mother was her inspiration. It was very hard for our mom to go out and get a job when she barely had a tooth left in her head. She had no professional clothes except a few that were about 20 years old, and she certainly couldn’t afford any new ones when buying gasoline and food and paying bills were weekly challenges. Her car was a broken down rust-bucket that couldn’t be relied on to get her to a job, forget about the interview. Her glasses were broken and her winter coat was ripped. It’s no wonder she couldn’t get up the nerve to get out in the world and “just get a job” like I was always pleading with her and yelling at her about. (I believe this is all part of the reason my mom gave up so easily when she was hospitalized before her death. She seemed quite ready and willing to go.)

But, Leslie had other problems. She had binge eating disorder, and she had lupus. Her lupus gave her bad arthritis which made her makeup work painful. She would get really bad hives from exposure to the sun, while the beach had always been her refuge and favorite place in the world. She was always battling infections and exhaustion and arthritis pain.

I can’t say exactly why Leslie decided death was better. But, I appreciate that her chronic conditions were definitely a daily challenge for her. And, this really pains me to say it, but I feel that she was more angry than sad when she died. Her note had an angry edge to it. I think she believed she was doing the ultimate act of revenge against those who hurt her, like our parents who did a terrible job raising us and her biological mom who put her up for adoption to end up with such a crazy and messed up family as mine. I can’t analyze it any more than that. I may be completely wrong, and I hope I am, but that is how I feel about it. That makes me so sad. I know how powerfully self-destructive anger can be. It’s bad enough to think about her in so much pain that suicide seemed like the best solution. But, it’s really sad to think of her suffering that depth of unrelenting and inconsolable rage. Perhaps she had to work up a rage to give her the final courage to take those pills. I don’t know. I’ve said it many times before – my rage caused me infinitely more pain than my bulimia ever did.

Let’s look at Jeremy. Most of you know a bit about him. He talks about suicide regularly, and many of us fear the worst. I believe Frankl’s existential vacuum applies to him completely. Jeremy has tried to find meaning. The book he has been wanting to write about his life has provided him with some sense of purpose. He appears optimistic and dedicated when he senses support for this goal. And, he gets depressed and suicidal when his goal is challenged or threatened. I can see why Jeremy is a bit lost. He spent his childhood in treatment centers. I bet he learned in childhood that his purpose and goal was simply to get better – to become “normal.” I can’t see how any other dreams or talents could have been encouraged or fostered in that environment. His sickness is all he knows of himself. That’s what all the adults saw in him. That’s what they related to in him. If I were him, I would be very angry and resentful. I would also be incredibly fearful because I wouldn’t know myself underneath all that.

And, then there is the boredom. Frankl says that chronic boredom has caused more depression and suicidal thoughts than any life-threatening life circumstance. He says that as the world modernizes and less time is required for work, depression continues to climb. That goes against expectations that as leisure time increases, happiness would increase. As leisure time increases, in fact, man’s sense of purposelessness has increased, and so too, then, has depression. It seems there is some of this playing out for Jeremy.

I’ve spoken with Jeremy a few times on the phone, and you know what really strikes me above all else? His sense of humor. He is incredibly clever and funny. It’s a very dry sense of humor, of course. And, it could easily freak out someone who doesn’t understand his lifestyle – which you and I do to some extent. But, that makes it even funnier. In my humble, ignorant opinion, I wish Jeremy would write his story with all that dry, obnoxious, horrifying humor that is in him. THAT would be a real seller. I see his ability to find things to laugh at in his world as a huge strength. But, of course, only Jeremy can decide how to interpret and live his life.

What is the cure then? Every human will have to find his/her own path to a sense of purpose, since we’re all very different and our paths are so different. But, he does say that suffering does give life a lot of meaning. He seems to say that the ones who have suffered the most may actually have the most to live for. I know that for me, my suffering has given me the purpose (and skills and experience) of helping others to rise above their own pain and desperation – or at least to give some comfort. I want to give comfort to as many humans and animals as I possibly can. I feel joy when I can make a stranger smile, when I can say a kind word to a stranger, when I can help out a stranger. Why strangers rather than friends? Because I never know what pain a stranger may be in. I never know what desperate situation he/she may be struggling through. I never know if my smile may be the only gesture of kindness –of connection- he/she may have experienced all day. I never know if that man I help out is in as much pain as our dear Jeremy. And, don’t you just wish everyone Jeremy comes across could be kind and gentle and generous with him?

The key thing Frankl keeps coming back to is that if an individual can find a “why” to live, he can endure almost any “how.” Maybe someone’s purpose is to create art or music or literature. Perhaps it’s to help children or animals or others in need – even if it’s just the strangers we encounter each day. Perhaps it’s simply to live as good a life as possible – to keep one’s thoughts and words and actions in line with one’s deepest values. It doesn’t have to be a big or grand purpose, it has merely to be enough.

As long as there is free will, there will be suicides. The best we can do as a society is to foster each child’s talents and interests and his/her self-confidence, creativity, and optimism, as well as a sense of wonder and the courage to try, to make mistakes, and at times, to fail. We must teach compassion and forgiveness like I learned at the late (but not too late) age of 34, so that regret and resentment don’t eat away at a child’s soul. This child would have the inner strength to endure the challenges and pain we find in life sometimes. This child would have the instinct to seek out and create his own fulfillment – not just pleasure. This child would thrive.

On discomfort, fear & growth

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt.

You are all quite familiar with discomfort, I know. To recover, however, you'll have to purposefully put yourself in uncomfortable positions, because you will need to push yourself into unfamiliar territory to 1) prove to yourself that you can feel so much better if you do some things differently from how you've always done them and 2) to learn to trust yourself and your creative abilities to figure out solutions that honor yourself. Some uncomfortable, scary things you're going to have to learn to do at some point:

·      say "no" to honor your own wants and needs,

·      say "yes" to change,

·      stop comparing yourself with others and decide for yourself what you want and what is best for yourself regardless of what everyone else is doing or saying,

·      interpret others' (and your own) decisions with compassion and allowance, not judgment,

·      forgive everyone who has hurt you, including yourself, because with compassion you now understand that everyone is just as lost and vulnerable to crappy 2+2=5 beliefs as you are,

·      embrace solitude and lose your belief that true happiness comes only with relationships to others,

·      accept that perhaps you have some extra challenges due to living so long with 2+2=5 beliefs, but love and respect and admire yourself for learning and trying and growing better everyday.

Everyone feels fear in new situations and when making important decisions. It's all in how we choose to deal with the fear that determines how we feel later. If you honor yourself, even if it's scary, you'll feel good. If you take the easy route, you may end up alone with your head in the toilet.

So, get comfortable with your fear. Look it in the face, and say hello to it. Then, take a deep breath and take a baby step through it. Immediately on the other side waits relief as well as pride, excitement, self-respect, and a new sense of security that you are strong, brave, and very capable.

We addicts live with way more fear than the average person. For me, before recovery, life was like a persistent, unrelenting low grade panic attack (one reason why it's so scary for me to try to stop my anti-anxiety meds!). Only once I accepted that I would have to walk through my fear did my fear begin to subside and not immobilize me anymore. Now, it's your turn to try and prove it to yourself.

Today's mantra: I accept that my fear is natural and to be expected. I will no longer allow my fear to keep me trapped in my familiar, but painful and hateful, dark little world.

On Mistakes & Growth

"Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through the experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved." -Helen Keller

I know you've already had your share of suffering. But, you've been stuck in a rut with no clue how to get out of it. Now that you've committed to learning how to escape that rut, you'll need to accept an unfortunate and inescapable side effect of growth and changing - you will make mistakes.

My fear of making a mistake was my most powerful all my life - before and during my 14 years of hell with bulimia. I feared that a mistake would push me over the edge of hopelessness from which there would be no return. I feared a mistake would prove once and for all that that I truly was incapable, stupid, clumsy, a waste, a failure. So, I stayed within my small world, my small comfort zone. My life was miserable - but it was comfortingly familiar.

You will have to trust and accept that everyone makes mistakes - particularly those who appear the most fearless, the most confident, the most competent. As creative, flexible, courageous beings, we only end up in hopeless situations once we give up. We all have the power to figure things out. And, for every challenge, there is a myriad of appropriate resolutions. Only once you stop looking at a challenge creatively and start looking at it as hopeless, will you create your own hopelessness.

The more you risk, the more you have to gain. Trust me - I've been learning this and proving it to myself first hand since my coach first challenged and pushed me to step outside my comfort zone.

Today's mantra: I am learning to no longer allow my fear of making a mistake to paralyze me or keep me trapped in my dark little world. I accept that as I learn and grow, I will make mistakes. And, I love and respect myself all the more for trying new things even though I know I will never be perfect.

Real life always has nasty unexpected surprises . . .

So, let's all begin to work to:

1) accept them as part of life - even the most happy secure-feeling life. It is not a conspiracy against you. You are NOT a victim (so, don't act like one). Crappy surprises are simply part of the human condition - even the Dalai Lama says so in the CD I'm listening to now: The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living.

2) stop worrying all the time about them (like I used to do 24/7) cuz worrying and expecting the worst all the time will NOT keep you immune from nasty surprises,

3) begin to build your self-trust, creativity, optimism, and financial resources cuz when crap happens, you need to be prepared to seek out or create opportunities for an exciting next phase in your life.

Todd's sister got very unexpectedly laid off from her job yesterday. She's been at her job 3.5 years, and she loved it and was really excelling in it. She felt reasonably secure in her job, and that was a factor in her and her husband’s decisions to buy a new house and new car all in the last year.

So, why did this happen? We'll never know all the details, but it's no secret that her boss was not fond of her personally. But, that doesn't give her the excuse to react in anger or resentment. Nor, does it give her the excuse to climb into bed for a week like a victim who has been treated unfairly by the world. And, freaking out in panic and upset (my old automatic, habitual reaction) won't do anyone any good - particularly her husband and two kids.

Surely, it is expected and totally rational & reasonable that she will need a couple days to absorb this big sudden change in her life and be sad because it is a loss for her. But, she's going to have to shrug off the negative interpretations pretty soon. She's got a great opportunity here: 3 months of severance during which time she can create all kinds of exciting opportunities for herself. And, she will. We all do when life takes an unexpected scary turn - it's just a matter of how long each of us chooses to wallow in our anger and frustration and fear. If we allow any sense of hopelessness to creep into our thoughts, forget about it. We're just going to be miserable until we eventually choose to shrug it off. Yes, change will always be scary to human beings – all human beings. But, it’s up to the individual to push that fear aside or to be paralyzed by it.

I sure hope Todd's sister chooses push through it off really soon and gets out there with creativity and optimism. She’s really a great woman with tons to offer.

Todd also is suffering. He woke up in the middle of the night with anxiety for his sister. While I think that’s really sweet and cute that he’s so worried about his lil’ sister, worrying so much that it keeps him up at night is not productive or healthy at all for him. Feeling compassion is a beautiful, healthy, wonderful thing, but he, too, needs to focus on the positive: trusting his sister’s abilities, creativity, optimism, and energy. Trusting that this is an exciting opportunity for a new, wonderful phase in her life. He needs to encourage her, excite her, inspire her, and motivate her in her new ventures (he’s very good at that), not wallow with her about what’s over and done with.

I’ve been laid off twice, so in some ways, I’ve been there. But, I certainly never had a house payment or children to worry about. Todd hasn’t asked his sister, but we both sure hope she has an emergency stash of money saved up. They say you should always have a liquid, emergency stash of 3-6 months expenses. If you guys don’t have that, you should get to work on it – before you invest, before you buy more stuff, before you take off on vacations. Take care of yourselves, ok?

Great post on fear and taking risks

I just happened to come across this:

http://takingsteps.blogspot.com/2007/01/parable.html

There are some great comments as well.

I'm here, and I'm sad

I'm feeling sad. I'm not depressed; I'm just sad. That's why I've been absent from blogging and emailing lately.

There is plenty to be happy about, and for that, I'm very thankful. I had a very nice Thanksgiving with Todd's family down in San Diego. There were 6 adults, 3 grand-kids, and 4 grand-dogs, as Todd's mom so sweetly calls them. It was busy and chaotic, but strangely peaceful. In Todd's family, there is no Thanksgiving angst, no fights, no resentment. Everyone pitches in; everyone is nice; everyone just wants to have fun and enjoy each other. I did a lot of reading in bed (one of my favorite things to do) and a lot of walking and hiking with Todd and the dogs. We watched a couple of movies, ate good food, drank great wine, enjoyed some great conversation, and laughed a whole lot.

Conversely, there is also plenty to be sad about. My sister's birthday is on Friday. It would have been her 37th, but she only barely made it past her 34th, when she committed suicide. I miss her so much. And, at this time of year, I feel her pain so clearly. The holidays were never a good time for us as a family when we were growing up, although Leslie worked so hard to make it nice for us as adults. Things just were never as happy and jolly as they were "supposed to be." So, we often felt a lot of sadness at this time of year, although we both tried really hard to fake it.

Todd and I are planning a nice evening of remembrance for her on Friday, just like we did last year. We're cooking all her favorite foods ,and we'll have her favorite drink, chocolate martinis, just like last year. You can see photos from her 36th birthday here. You can read what I wrote about her last year here. I know it will be nice and even happy as I just soak in my good memories of her - all she taught me, all she gave me, all she meant to me as my sister and my best friend. But, right now, I'm just feeling sad. And, I'm ok with that.

I also have another reason to be sad. I haven't had the right frame of mind to be a good support to all of you. I have a couple emails that I need to respond to. And, I have two good online friends who need support and encouragement. And, I haven't been able to be there for them. Luckily, Jeremy tracked me down tonight over the phone. His story really gets me in the heart. He has been fighting anorexia and bulimia since he was a child. It's become his identity. And, he's so very tired of it. I love talking with him and reading his blog, because he's just so open and honest, and he shares lots of photos, so it's easy to climb into his world and really get to know him. But, his story is so heartbreaking, it's hard for me to keep from crying. He is living day to day in what was for me, my absolute lowest point in my life. When all you want to do is eat and purge. When you wake up in the middle night thinking about food. And, although you try so hard to get back to sleep, you end up in a severe panic attack that will only abate after binging and purging. He seems to be at a dead end in many ways - his doctors won't see him anymore because he won't go back into inpatient treatment. Although he has spent YEARS locked up in inpatient treatment, and it doesn't work for him.

My other good friend is Shiray. It seems like so many things have gone wrong all at once for her. I can feel her overwhelm, and it's very frightening for her - and for me. I haven't spoken with her in a long while, but I check her blog every day. And, I still cheer for her when things go well, and I ache for her when things are challenging.

I pray for the words to give them, but I have none right now. Please visit their sites and give them some support. I'm probably going to remain a bit quiet this week, but I'm still here and doing well. Thank you all for the compassion and understanding. I'll be back.

With love and gratitude,
Michelle

Triggers are the consequence not the cause

Dr. Stacey began an interesting discussion regarding triggers and consequences for us ED folks. It struck me as wrong somehow, so I thought a bit about it, and I’m happy with my response in the comments section. I want to repeat it here.

She described a simple functional analysis of our ED behavior as this:

TriggersàBehaviorsàConsequences

Where the Trigger is the people, places, things, emotions, stimuli, physical symptoms, etc. that lead us to turn to food or not. The Behavior is our particular preference of coping mechanism. And, the Consequences are the positive or negative results of our selected Behavior.

You can read her full post plus several others’ comments here. The below is my response:

I argue that the "triggers" you talk about and that we ED folks fear so much are actually the CONSEQUENCES of our irrational beliefs and interpretations of ourselves and our place in the world. They alone do not cause us to turn to food. At the time we feel triggered, we have already made a big mistake somewhere along the way. The feelings of anxiety, guilt, stress, boredom, fear, regret, resentment, etc. are consequences of our bad beliefs. We turn to food as a last resort to make ourselves feel better. But, if we fix our crap beliefs and learn to make decisions based on rational, reasonable beliefs, we stop feeling those bad feelings. And, subsequently, no urge to turn to food.

I have proven this to myself over and over in the last couple of years since I began working on my crap beliefs. This is the sequence of events:

1)       an irrational, old, subconscious belief leads me to dishonor myself in some way (deny or criticize my own needs or wants, put others’ needs before my own, drive myself to exhaustion, insist on my own perfection, harbor resentment against others, obsessing over my body rather than address something frightening that needs my attention, etc.),

2)       I subsequently feel awful (anxious, guilty, resentful, etc.),

3)       I become paralyzed with my self-defeating feelings and thoughts (as evidenced by my procrastination, lack of energy, depression),

4)       I turn to food for comfort and to quiet the chaos in my head so I can simply function.

5)       Begin at 1) again.

By the time I feel overly anxious or angry or whatever, the damage has already been done. Fighting off the subsequent urge is only temporary. It’s guaranteed that I will get another urge and another until I stop making the self-defeating choice that originally lead me to feel awful and made binging seem like the solution.

When we focus on stopping the coping mechanism, we are failing to deal with the underlying crap that make us feel so bad in the first place that we NEED something to help us cope. We will continue to NEED a coping mechanism until we fight our irrational beliefs that cause us to feel bad.

I’ve found a great book that explains this all very clearly and simply - Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back.

I believe the functional analysis really should look like this:

Irrational beliefàSelf-defeating decisionàBad consequences (triggers, bad thoughts and feelings)àAddictive behavior

We all know our addictive behavior has horrible consequences (loneliness, rotten teeth, death) but knowing this does nothing to stop us from turning to our coping mechanism. Nothing - except to make us feel worse.

Like I said, by the time we get to the addictive behavior stage, it's way too late. Not many people have the will-power to white-knuckle it through the subsequent urges. I never did. Good thing my recovery was based on fighting my irrational beliefs in stage #1 of the process.

In addition, I think the placement of triggers at the beginning of the process is actually dangerous cuz it leads us to believe that we must avoid anything that might be triggering – stressful situations, a bad day, difficult people, loss, change or uncertainty, new experiences that could be frightening or (God-forbid) overwhelming, or whatever.

But, that’s not realistic or even reasonable at all. To try to avoid these things is to live in a bubble. Is it really living at all?

But, instead, if we fight the irrational beliefs such as the ones we’ve discussed so much in the last few weeks, we’ll find within us just enough courage and self-trust to push through the fear and accomplish what we want and need to. With every tiny little success, we gain courage and self-confidence and fear loses its death-grip of control over us. We soon realize that we can face stress, difficult people, new experiences, hardships, etc. knowing that we’re strong enough and creative enough to get through it just fine.

We make fewer and fewer self-defeating decisions, and so we never have to experience the triggers or addictive coping behavior again. The urges just fade away.

Toxic education from society, too

It’s not just our families that teach us our crap beliefs. It’s also society in general. But, when I say “society,” it’s a MUCH broader term than just the media, which is what we typically think of because it’s the most obvious.

Consider these toxic messages, taken directly from Self-Defeating Behaviors:

Toxic Message	Source
“To remain pure & worthy of blessing, you must deny your sexuality.”	Religious subsystem
“There is only one way of solving a problem or finding the truth.”	Educational subsystem
“It’s a good idea to borrow money to buy things you can’t afford.”	Financial subsystem
“Unless you are a certain height and weight, with a certain set of facial features, you are unattractive.”	Communications/ commercial subsystems
“To protect your family and way of life, you must go to foreign countries and harm the people there.”	Governmental subsystem
“If you feel uncomfortable or anxious, take medications.”	Medical subsystem

I can think of a few more:

Toxic Message	Source
“To recover, you must first stop the bad behavior.”	Recovery industry subsystem
“You will never be able to recover 100%. You will always have to fight your ED.”	Recovery industry subsystem
“Of course someday you’ll get married and have children!”	Cultural/religious subsystems
“Study hard, get a good job, and then you’ll be successful and happy and fulfilled.”	Educational subsystem

We are fed crap beliefs from all sides! Particularly because many of these messages come from sources we believe (are taught) we can trust, we adopt them as truth and put all our faith into them. It’s become completely subconscious to us now. Just like my old automatic reaction to feel resentful, abused and enraged when things didn’t go my way, we all react automatically according to these beliefs.

We have to become vigilant about our thoughts and beliefs underlying our automatic reactions and emotions. This entails 1) frequent check-ins to see how we’re feeling and what we need, 2) rationally and compassionately debating with ourselves every time a “should” pops up in our thinking, and 3) asking ourselves if our bad feelings are a direct result of reacting according to a crap belief and not according to our hearts/true needs.

On fear & irrational beliefs

This is a letter that I got from a reader. I wanted to share it cuz really it could be written by almost any one of us. She is trying to figure out a bad belief or a fear for us to focus on in a cycle we're scheduling for this week. As you read, you will see that she is making great progress, but she's got some major stumbling blocks of fear that cause her a lot of suffering. Regular fear is normal, valid, and inescapable. It's what we choose to do with the fear (walk through it or be cowed by it) that determines how we feel later. Unfortunately for many of us, our fears have the power to immobilize us, paralyze us, cripple us. Why? Because beneath the fear is a crap 2+2=5 belief that we aren't just feeling normal fear of the unknown. Rather, we KNOW we're incapable, we KNOW we're bound to fail, we KNOW we're not worthy of help or support, we KNOW we're too lazy/undisciplined/indulgent to succeed, we KNOW  we're bad people that no one will want to work with, be in a relationship with, rely on, etc. It's incredibly hard to keep pushing through fear when that fear is backed by our complete, unyielding FAITH.

That's why I'm excited that this reader wants to do cycles on these powerful fears, cuz we'll finally be able to get to the root of her crap beliefs that cripple her with fear and incorrect, irrational KNOWING. We'll figure out when and why she learned her beliefs, why they were perfectly reasonable for her at the time she adopted them, and why they're completely silly and irrational now that she's an adult. It's hard to accept that our deep-rooted beliefs are irrational. But, once she can see them in the light for what they really are, those beliefs lose their power over us. Our fears lose their power, and we can face them, and finally walk through them.

I thought I would just write to you a little about what I'm facing right now. I feel pretty overwhelmed, to be quite honest, and I don't know where to begin. I don't know what I need to do. As I've mentioned, my head gets very noisy. I have made major strides in some huge areas- I don't hate myself anymore. I am able to cease criticizing and abusing, and always feel proud and kind towards myself. If I don't, it's out of old habits, and I'm able to notice if I'm not treating myself fairly. I am much more compassionate about how and why I came to rely on bulimia and I understand that I need to work inside my heart to learn to live without it completely (though I do without it SO much more than I once did. I have not been this free in ten years as far as that goes).

But there is more work to be done and I don't know what to do next. I have learned to love myself as a parent loves a child... but as a parent, I'm always worrying about "what's best;" I'm always trying to make the best decision for me, and I'm using my head way too much. There are a lot of "I should's" going on. When I binge, it is to avoid this head-noise, this pressure. I am so overwhelmed and preoccupied with my worries that I am pretty paralyzed from living.

So what are my worries? I thought if I told you some of them, you might help me get to the root of the bad beliefs driving them and then we could set a modest goal for which to tackle in the first cycle.

Well, the big one right now has to do with my dreams and my identity. All my life I wanted to be an actress; I think I still do. I want to write articles and stories and be in independent films. If I have to have a part time "real" job to make that happen, I can accept that. I do have to pay rent, after all! So I have been working part-time as an administrative assistant and working on my recovery. I have been making kind of haphazard stabs at writing here and there, but I haven't pursued the acting at all. Although my health has improved a lot since I first started leaving bulimia alone, I still often feel too sick; I'm still bingeing about once a week, which means I still feel pretty ill during the week- bloated and swollen with headaches, stomach aches and fatigue in the afternoon. These symptoms are a LOT better than when I first started recovering; I figure that if you throw up several times per day for years and years and then stop, your body is going to need plenty of time to restabilize, heal and relearn its natural metabolism. So I just don't feel a hundred percent; I guess I just don't feel ready to pursue acting.

But part of me suspects this is a cop-out (and part of me is probably right). I feel like, just like I did with the anorexia and the weight loss, that I will NEVER feel "good enough" "well enough". I suspect that I set impossibly high standards for myself as a way of avoiding actually having to risk anything. If I'm never "there yet," then I never have to go for it. One of the things I have learned from you is life is not, "let's wait until I get 100% well from my eating disorder and THEN live." The WAY you get well is BY living, doing what really matters to you, not delaying it any more. But I still feel afraid.

I just had my 25th birthday and it was a huge trigger for me. I'm not a kid anymore, and this is bizzarely terrifying. I know it's not rational to feel old at 25, but I can't help it. I'm terrified my life is passing me by. One of my biggest fears- like I said on the blog- is never "becoming anything." Never having a chance to pursue my dreams, never having that great success that I know I could have. I feel I have tremendous potential, Michelle. I feel like I could have an extraordinary life, and accomplish so many of my dreams, to be a successful actress, writer, to travel to all the places I want to see. I really do feel like I'm capable of ANYTHING, that I CAN make it all happen. I'm the only thing stopping myself. These remnants of illness. I know it takes time to recover... but I keep getting SO scared that it will take TOO much time... and before I know it, I will just be another big-butt, ordinary, middle-aged American woman who works in an office and that's all she does. Wow, I just had a visceral reaction... I guess (and this makes me guilty) I'm thinking of my mother, and scared of becoming her, like you were, though for different reasons.

So you can see I'm very ambitious and my standards for myself are very high. Like I have to be SPECIAL, accomplish something SINGULAR, in order to be worth anything to myself. This concept is making me freak out about my life right now. I'm really too smart for this stupid administrative assistant job. I had been doing some articles as a freelance writer, but when I hit a career roadblock, I just quit trying. Frankly, I think that maybe my fear of growing old without success might be driving me to set goals I may not yet have the resources emotionally to strive for. I am a very impatient person by nature, and I may be trying to put the cart before the horse sometimes.

Part of me is afraid I will never be able to do the things I dream of in life because I'll always be this mentally ill person, even if it's only a small part of me. But I think deep down, part of me also hangs on to my eating disorder and other issues because it provides a convenient excuse not to take a high-stakes risk.

My parents visited us over the weekend for my birthday. It was actually a nice time; they brought us a ton of presents. Another major stride, aside from developing some genuine self-esteem and will to live and fight for myself, is that I'm not angry about my family anymore. I really understand how a lot of the beliefs I grew up with, about my family AND myself, are related to my father's alcoholism and my mother's issues. I no longer have blame. I mean... I'm sure there are some things I'll always have a visceral reaction to at certain times (like you do when you go through a cycle, even though largely those issues do not rule your life anymore). Still, even though I have dealt with it and I feel, separated myself from their problems, it's still difficult on a deep, hard-to-define level to be with my parents even if it also makes me feel loved and happy at the same time. It's always a conflicting twenty-car-pileup-on-the-interstate of emotions whenever we are together.

Saturday night they stayed over, Sunday morning they left. Sunday morning was my 25th birthday, my parents just left, and I had the whole day with an apartment full of presents that they had given me PLUS boxes of things from my childhood that they brought from the house since they are moving. I binged all day, very heavily. It is SO frustrating to feel the "bulimia hangover" this morning. I'm sure you remember. Headache, dry skin, swollen extremities, heartburn, super-tired, super sensitive, emotionally unstable... I want to be DONE with this already, Michelle! And yet I'm sure deep down I am afraid because I don't know what my life would feel like without it. Where could I go without this chain always weighing down my ankle? It's exciting and scary at once.

If you still are willing to do a cycle with me sometime soon (you'd mentioned you are available weeknights and I am too) I think that would be great, and I'd appreciate your feedback on what to focus on. I fear that if we don't choose a specific false belief or area to focus on, it would just be WAY too much information and overwhelming both for you and for me! So let's start with a baby step!

Cycle on people being mad at me or hating me

Thinking Journal: When I was in 8^th grade, I guess I was 13, one of my best friends, who had been one of my best friends since she moved to my town in 2^nd or 3^rd grade, got mad at me. Really mad at me. And, she began talking to others about me, and subsequently getting others mad at me. From what I remember, my contribution was that I was getting clingy and desperate. I got insecure about getting invited to a party or something like that. I was feeling left out, and that was probably the worst thing in the world for me to feel at that time. I depended a lot on my peers. My home life wasn’t really stable, and I looked to my girlfriends to help me understand and navigate the turmoil of being a teenager. So, while I don’t know exactly what I did or said to turn her off, I’m pretty sure I offended her by being overly concerned with my “popularity” or my respect among our friends. Anyway, she started talking – a LOT – to other people. From what I could tell, it was to get everyone on “her side.” And, it worked. People stopped talking to me; they started avoiding me like the plague. Even worse, they would all stop talking when I walked by, then they would all giggle and make noises behind my back.

It was about the most hurtful thing I’ve ever experienced. My parents were a dysfunctional mess, but they didn’t work hard to be mean to me. I would try making new friends. But, pretty soon my ex-friend and her entourage would somehow turn them off to me, and I would be alone again. It was incredibly hard for me to walk through the halls with my head up. I never knew who would be mean to me or who would just pretend I didn’t exist. I had no one at home to talk about it with. Everyone there had there own problems. This treatment lasted for the rest of the year.

I feel sad. . . God, it STILL makes me SO sad to think about that time in my life. I feel sad that I was so alone and terrified. I feel sad that I had no one to turn to about it. I feel so sad that I had come to depend on my friends so much that I could be devastated so completely by their treatment of me. I feel so sad that it was so hard for me to hold my head up when I was feeling so much shame. I feel so sad that I blamed myself for causing them to be mad at me. I blame myself for making such stupid mistakes that would make them mad at me.

Which makes me angry. I’m so angry that one girl could cause my whole grade to want to spit on me. I’m so angry that that bitch could so easily spend all her time talking trash about me and seem to enjoy it so much. I’m so angry that I wanted to strangle her, but there was nothing I could do. I’m so fucking disgusted that after all our years of friendship it became her hobby to smear me and humiliate me and hurt me to anyone who would listen to her. I’m so angry that I knew even then that if I let out my anger at her, I would end up in such a completely uncontrollable rage that I would further incriminate myself – I would probably get even the teachers and parents angry at me, too. I’m so angry that I knew I couldn’t do anything – so I didn’t.

Which makes me so sad. I felt trapped by own bad mistakes with no solution. I blamed myself for all of it. And, I hated myself because my tendency to rage trapped me even more. I’m so sad for that little girl who hated herself and seemed to have no options but to take the abuse in silence and alone. I feel so sad that I honestly contemplated killing myself that year.

I feel afraid. . . I feel afraid that I’m still haunted by that year. I feel afraid I’ll always be scared of making people angry with me. I’m afraid that I really haven’t forgiven myself. I’m afraid that I walk on eggshells so people I depend on won’t get mad at me, won’t hate me. I’m afraid that I’m doomed to be a victim when people get mad at me. I’m so scared that people will get mad at me. I’m even more scared that when someone gets mad at me, that they’ll make everyone else mad at me, too, and there will be nothing I can do about it but pick up and leave – alone.

I feel guilty . . . I feel guilty that I blamed myself for making people mad at me that year. I feel guilty that I continue to beat myself up whenever someone gets mad at me. I feel guilty that I still don’t know how to handle it. I feel guilty because I don’t stand up for myself when I’ve done nothing wrong – or even when I make a simple, human mistake. I shouldn’t be abused for making mistakes!

Which makes me really angry! I feel angry that I allow everyone else in my life the freedom to make mistakes – to say and do stupid things – and I don’t get mad at them. I feel angry that I’m too scared to get angry at people. I feel angry that I expect no one to forgive me when I make a mistake. I feel angry that I end up being abused or made to grovel in repentance when I make a simple mistake. I feel fucking enraged that if I make a mistake, I will probably pay for it for the rest of my life.

Which makes me so afraid that I’m too scared to take the risks I need to take to live the life I really want – the life I’m INTENDED to live. I’m so afraid that I’ll always take the “safe” route because the risks of making a mistake are just too great. I’m so afraid I’ll never accomplish what I want to accomplish because I’m so damn frightened of pissing people off, of hurting people, of making mistakes that I’ll never be forgiven for, that I’ll always be despised for –among huge groups of people. And, these people who hate me will go on to make sure everyone THEY know despises me, too.

Phew. I was just crying quite a bit, and then I had to give a little smirk at that last line I typed. It’s kind of silly – but it’s a very real, very deep-rooted fear. It’s from my childhood, so it makes sense it would be a little childish. The most important thing is that it came up – from a very deep, very dark spot in my soul. Like I’ve found in previous cycles, at the point I have nothing left to write, I feel calm and kind of tired in my body. I was typing like a mad woman; now my fingers are having a hard time finding the right keys.

I’m going on the Limits part of the cycle, so I can begin to climb back up to feeling good:

Are my expectations reasonable? As a 13 year old child, yes, the expectations I developed from this traumatic time in my life were very reasonable. I had seen all my childhood friends turn on me just from whatever this one girl told them. I felt like I was insane. I developed the expectation that people would turn on you en masse if you said or did something stupid – or even if it wasn’t so stupid, just desperate or fearful. It also reinforced my belief that depending on anyone or needing anyone is a bad move –and makes you way too vulnerable. It also showed me that even to ask for help carried enormous risks. It is completely reasonable that I would become very frightened and very wary of potentially getting people angry with me.

What is a reasonable expectation now? A reasonable expectation is that I expect the people I love and respect to love and respect me. I expect that if I make a mistake, I will not be abused and tossed away for it. I expect that I can apologize if needed and that I can communicate rationally with rational people to come to an understanding. A reasonable expectation is that the people I love would not engage in such childish games as to work to make everyone mad at me if they are mad at me. A reasonable expectation is that I will not crumble if people are mad at me. A reasonable expectation is that I will continue to pursue the things that are meaningful to me in spite of how others treat me. A reasonable expectation is that, in the absolute worst case scenario, I will not allow myself to continue to be abused. I am an adult now, and I can remove myself from any untenable situation. I expect that I can seek out and create a loving, forgiving environment with reasonable, rational people.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that people, even adults, aren’t always rational. The essential pain is that people will get angry with me – sometimes for my own mistakes, and sometimes because they’re not emotionally healthy people. The essential pain is that people may be mean to me and may even try to injure my reputation or get other people to be mad at me; they may even hate me.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward is that I will never again listen to irrational people who are mad at me. The earned reward is that I trust that I can communicate well and straighten things out with rational people. The earned reward is that I no longer have to walk on eggshells around emotionally unhealthy people. The earned reward is that I will be freer to take risks – because I will no longer have this particular fear. The earned reward is that I will feel safer with the people I love and trust. The earned reward is that I hold myself in higher regard than the people who judge me.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful . . . I feel grateful that I finally (!) did this cycle after over a week of feeling crappy about my work situation (where one woman caused a couple others to get mad at me and my entire department to have to listen to her ranting about what an awful person I am – more on that later). I feel grateful that I am finally getting rid of this emotional garbage – this fear, these irrational beliefs, the blame I put on myself for that year. I feel grateful that I feel safe enough here in my home to be able to do this emotional cycle while Todd entertains himself for the evening. I feel grateful that I feel the pressure in my back finally loosening up after a bad week and a half.

I feel happy . . . I feel happy that I can do this cycle for me and also to share with you. I feel happy that I can go into work tomorrow with my head up and secure in myself again. I feel happy that I’m finally learning how to feel good about myself even if everyone else is mad at me or even hates me (but, I would need a lot of practice to master this new skill, and I admit I would really prefer to not have to practice it ever again!). I feel happy that I’m learning now how to let others’ meanness and manipulation roll off my back. I feel happy that I never learned to “play the game” and talk badly about people behind their backs, because I don’t respect that behavior, and it would just make me feel worse about myself.

I feel secure . . . I feel secure that tomorrow I’ll begin to feel cheerful in my office again – no more hiding in my office, no more insecurity about saying hello to people, no more fear at who might be in the kitchen when I walk in there. No more feeling intimidated, no more feeling embarrassed or ashamed. I made a mistake, but no one gave me the option to apologize; they just judged me someone worthy of abusing and gossiping about. That has nothing to do with me – it’s their choice. I won’t let it affect me anymore.

I feel proud . . . I feel proud that as I write this, I’m beginning to realize that I want to own up to my mistake, even if they have already decided I’m an awful person. I’m beginning to accept that I will have to acknowledge it and apologize for it (perhaps in an email . . .) in order for me to really feel I’ve done what I could to salvage my relationships in my department. After that, it’s totally their choice. But, I feel proud of myself for realizing that what’s important is my self-respect, and I have to do this to feel the most respect for myself – even if they abuse me more for it. It’s the right thing to do, even though it's going to be hard, and I might wait another day or two to gather up some more courage. This realization alone makes me feel really proud of myself.

**Update 10/3: you know what? I want to add some things here. After sleeping on it, I realize I'm also damn proud of myself for dealing it with it as best as I possibly could when I was 13. I continued going to school every day, though I was full of fear and shame. I continued to do my school work even though just surviving the day was completely draining (of course, after loosing my peers as a support system, I turned to my teachers to support me and the way to do that is by getting good grades). I'm proud of myself for seeking out positive interaction with my teachers who never once made me feel bad or shameful. I'm proud of myself for continuing to reach out to my peers, even though I knew they could turn on me at any time. I ended up with the 3 best friends I could ask for. They are still my very good friends now, at age 35. I'm proud of myself for pushing through the fear and functioning as best as I possibly could at such a young age. I'm going to give my inner little 13 year old a big fat hug and a LOT of respect. :-)

And, as expected, I feel good. I feel happy that I have a plan of action that will make me feel even better about myself. I feel more free and physically lighter.

I was just reading in Laurel’s book last night that our first cycles will be all over the place – we’ve got lots of trash in us, so it comes out in bursts that are not necessarily all in order or relating to the same issue. I can that in this cycle. I realize I need to do more cycles on my fear of getting people mad at me (I know this was a big problem in my relationship with my dad) and being abandoned. Laurel assures me in her book that in time, the cycles will naturally become more focused. For now, it’s ok to just let them go wherever they lead. Just as long as you complete the Limits part of the cycle, you will feel much better afterward – even if they uncover more dirt you’ll have to explore at another time.

On pride and fear

Gabrielle wrote me an interesting comment about how she interpreted one of my posts. I began writing her a comment back, but suddenly I realized it was really long! So, here is Gabrielle's comment and my response in full. She wrote:

"I am a bit repulsed by your pride. Pride comes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. All of the alcohol I see in your pictures, as well as the apparent co-dependency on men makes me wonder just how healed you are. You may be honest (your new core value) about your freedom from bulimic behavior (although I wonder if that is the case), but I wonder how "free" you are. I, too, know what it is like to battle bulimia, and I would be a liar if I told you that I walked in healing, restoration, and abundant life daily; however, I know that FREEDOM comes through CHRIST ALONE."

Hi Gabrielle. I'm sorry you're feeling so angry and repulsed. I know from many years of experience in being angry -being in an uncontrollable rage, actually- that anger is only a cover for a deeper pain. Anger, blame, prejudice are the easiest negative emotions to humans to cope with. Fear, regret, feelings of being abandoned or abused, - those are all much tougher.

I would bet a lot of money that your anger is hiding a lot of pain. For that, I'm really sorry. I sought treatment with my coach not for bulimia, but for my persistent and frightening rage. I never knew when it was going to flare, and it scared the crap out of me. That was the part I hated most about myself. Now I know from studying the teachings of spiritual leaders that all anger is self-defeating. Anger almost always comes from judgment, ego, or attachment to how we believe things SHOULD be - all things that will always ultimately bring pain. But, with a heartfelt dedication to compassion and acceptance for other humans and the often painful human condition itself, anger can be virtually eliminated from our lives. It's tough - but this is the direction I want to keep growing in. And, yes, I feel incredibly free. I no longer (most of the time, anyway!) feel resentment, judgment, attachment. It's not my job or my right to judge others - and, I'm really happy to be rid of that responsibility.

I believe the "pride" you are talking about is very different from the pride I feel. Your pride might be about material belongings, wealth, power, something more superficial like that. The pride I insist we all must learn to feel is something so much deeper - it's spiritual. It's knowing that at the end of the day, we made someone smile. That we helped someone. That we were compassionate. That we made a connection with someone. That we gave someone just a tiny bit of hope in this cruel world. That we took a small step toward achieving a meaningful purpose in our lives. That we felt pride in just being the creature that "Christ" created. Is it right that I should be ashamed of who I am? That would be like saying Christ screwed up, wouldn't it?

I will say it over and over and over . . . only once we begin to honor our heart (which is actually interpreted by more religious spiritual teachers to be our God center or "source"), will we begin to do the things that God would probably want us to do, and will we begin to feel good about (yes, even proud of) ourselves.

Perhaps you will disagree, but I hope someday you find a way to create self-pride in your life. I know you’ve got a lot of good stuff you’re going to accomplish during your time on earth. And, I hope that you can learn to feel good about yourself and really love yourself for that.

A little poetry from a reader

A reader, Nika, linked my last post to his (or her?) own blog since we were both feeling the same things when we wrote our individual posts. I want to highlight it here.

But, first, I want to consider how I don't even know if Nika is a man or a woman. I have to claim ignorance here, since I bet that if I was familiar with Nika's heritage, I would know by the name. Just like I know that "Jane" is most likely a girl and "Bob" is most likely a boy. I also assume that if I read his (or her) blogs in depth, I could figure it out - although maybe not . . . I've currently only checked out  the 2 linked posts, and then I meandered around Nika's many amazing photographs. And, I'm enchanted and can't wait to explore more.

I thought about writing Nika and just flat out asking, "are you a man or a woman?" But, I realized that I don't really want to know. My vision of Nika is just a "poet" and "artist," and there seems no need for any physical form. I don't even want to put Nika in the constraining box of gender.

With that said, maybe Nika will let us know. Or, maybe Nika will enjoy the mystery . . .

This is what she had to say in response to my last post about wanting to really feel all of life, even with its ups and downs. I'm so sick of keeping myself numb, afraid to feel, afraid of potential pain, so that I don't even feel all the joy and excitement, and yes, even the uncertainty and endless possibility of it all . . . I love it.

"and i say to myself, i want it all, the whole thing in its entirety, as real as it can get, and then some of its pain on top of it all- i want it all or none at all, and not delude myself with a quasi-real, or rather surreal, or perhaps unreal life made of illusions, delusions, past pains and future doubts- i rather take the pain of disappointment in the end, then have what will dissolve in the air with not even a memory left to remind what it was like... how it was... question whether i was even there in the first place... wonder how i got where i am... and not having a clue where it is that i'm going."

-http://inslowmtn.blogspot.com/2006/08/and-i-say-to-myself-i-want-it-all-life.html

Welcome and thank you, Nika!

**Update: aw damn. I went and read just a little more of Nika's site, and found out she is very clearly, 100% all woman! I was really enjoying the mystery.

My newly uncovered emotional garbage

So, what is my emotional garbage I just accidentally dug up after being “recovered” for a year and a half? Strangely, it’s one of my top 3 Core Values: independence.

It doesn’t sound so harmful. In fact, I think most people would agree with me that it’s a strength. And, that’s how I have justified it all my life. I’ve been proud of my independence; I’ve yearned for more independence. I always believed I was stronger when independent.

But, yet, in my case, it’s not a strength – it’s garbage. It’s a remnant of my past – my fearful, chaotic childhood when people I depended on continued to persistently let me down and/or leave me. It’s not reflective of the life I have now or the life I dream of. In fact, it’s a contradiction, an emotional, internal tug-of-war that I’ve avoided facing all my adult life. It’s my head saying, “don’t need anyone; don’t depend on anyone; they’ll only let you down and abandon you; it’s safer being alone – you’ll never let yourself down” versus my heart saying, “I don’t want to be alone! I want love in my life! I want to have at least one person I can totally depend on! I want to be the kind of person someone else can totally depend on! I want to share this world and all its joy and ups and downs. I want the laughter and adventure and sense of belonging that two create so spontaneously!”

Sounds like the kind of internal struggle that could drive anyone to seek out something to numb them and quiet the chaos, huh? It also sounds like the kind of struggle that has no clear answer: to risk depending on someone is to risk being devastated when they leave. But, to always fear and avoid that kind of connection with people leaves life so much less meaningful. And, it leaves us alone – safe, sure, but truly alive? I’m not so sure.

I’ve always been very aware of the reasons why I so highly value independence for myself. For some reason, I seemed to have a LOT of people I loved leave me early in life.

*First my dad, of course. He left my family when I was 4, and he re-married when I was 7. He moved from NY to NC when I was 9, and after that I only saw him about a month in the summer and a week at Christmas time.

*Then, my first best friend moved when I was in first grade. I’ll always remember her name: Leigh Nedwood. Then, my second best friend, Akiyo Mimoto, moved later that year. My third best friend, Jennifer Lee, moved when I was in second grade. My fourth best friend, Debra Ominsky, moved somewhere right around then, too!

Even my mom was concerned about everyone leaving and how I would deal with it. I became kind of a tom-boy after that, not getting as close with friends.

I had the usual pre-teen and teenage drama with fighting and shifting loyalties that I don’t feel like getting into right now. I'm sure that didn’t help. I actually am still relatively close with the 3 women who showed me the most loyalty in high school. But, of course, they don’t even know I was bulimic for 14 years! I’ve never let myself trust them enough to divulge such deep stuff. Now I know my fearful head is just afraid to rock the boat of our “relationships,” however meaningful they are, even after 20 years of friendship.

Then, of course, my mom up and died 2 months after I graduated college. That’s pretty classic psycho-babble abandonment. My grandfather (as grandparents will do) died a few years after that. And, a few years after that, my sister/best friend/confidante/only person who ever totally accepted me with all my warts and craziness and meanness and all decided to just fuck it all and kill herself.

It seems so much more obvious to me now that somehow I feel I should have seen it for what it really is . . . but it was so deeply entrenched in me as a coping mechanism, a way to protect myself from getting hurt and abandoned, that I needed this process in The Pathway to illuminate it for me. Sure, I was consciously aware of WHY I was always seeking total independence, but I never thought (never dared??) to question whether or not it was REALLY what I wanted for myself under all the old fear that made it seem so desirable to me. My old, ancient hurts have caused me to live in a subconscious but paralyzing fear of being abandoned again. I’m keeping that fear alive and strong by insisting that I be independent all the time.

When I tested out The Pathway, I chose to focus on “being alone” since I was disappointed in how I was dealing with Todd being gone and my being home alone. I had had such big goals for this time: I wanted to get a good chunk of my new writing project done; I wanted to read new books in peace & quiet; I wanted to focus only on nurturing myself; and, I wanted to prove to myself once and for all that I had conquered my fear of solitude and taking good care of myself, by myself. And, yet, after the second week, I was barely getting any work done at all. And, I wasn't enjoying being alone all the time like I expected and very much wanted.

I didn’t realize at the time that the concept of “being alone” held SO much more profound effect on me than I thought and was inextricably tied to one of my top Core Values! I didn’t realize it was a coping mechanism, a survival mechanism, for me.

I have more work to do to root out this ugly chunk of emotional garbage. But, one thing I know for sure: I don’t want to be held prisoner by it anymore. I want to be free of this ancient fear! NO MORE! I commit to being hyper-aware of how my fear of abandonment is inhibiting closeness in my relationships. I commit to fighting it by honoring my heart, which is screaming out, “I want the depth of connection in my relationships where I can take risks to fully open my heart to trust, depend, be dependable, and to even risk losing my relationships – knowing that only with this kind of connection am I truly alive and loving!”

Independence is NO LONGER in my top 3 Core Values!! I am officially replacing it with CONNECTION: to people, to events, even to loss and sadness. I want to feel it all!

I’m just realizing . . . I may have to rethink my stance on non-attachment, but that’s a post for another time. Baby-steps, right? ;-)

Nurturing, Limits, and finding emotional trash

Hello my friends. Todd's 5 weeks away in Malibu is finally coming to a close. Next weekend, we'll only be there until mid-day Saturday. Then we head down to his parents' place in La Jolla to celebrate Labor Day with his family.

I have so many mixed feelings: I'm excited to be back with him and my babies (our 3 dogs) full-time, but I also really enjoy our time at the beach; I'm happy to get back to our little routine, but I know how much Todd and the babies love being up there.

As you might have guessed by my lack of posts, I’ve had some “stuff” going on. I had a tough learning experience a week ago that I’m finally ready to share with you. Thanks to a recommendation from Yvonne, I had begun reading The Pathway by Laurel Mellin. I really liked Laurel’s approach, and I kept testing it out on myself as I read. I am always looking for good stuff that may help you guys. Laurel’s approach is very simple. She says that we addicts are missing a good balance in the most basic skills of coping and dealing with life: Nurturing and Limits – really self-nurturing and self-limiting.

Good news: her approach is very powerful. And, I’m going to dedicate myself to learning it and eventually mastering it for myself and others – slowly this time!

Bad news: her approach is very powerful. And, without working through the full process with commitment, focus, and support if needed, it can knock you on your ass.

That’s what happened to me.

The problem came about when I dove into the nurturing part of her approach without fully understanding how nurturing and limits need to work together. I should have waited until I understood the full process before diving into it on my own. But, I was excited about it. So, after only reading about the nurturing part of the process, I closed the book and tried it on myself.

I learned what I believe I’ve always known on a less than fully conscious level – in many ways I’m very good at “nurturing” myself, but in many ways I set horrible limits for myself anymore. I put nurturing in quotes because I realized that I don’t always nurture myself in a healthy way. I’m much more likely to feel sorry for myself and indulge myself. Nurturing should be supportive, encouraging, patient, positive, and empowering – like how you would talk to a beloved child. It should NOT sound like this, “my God, what an awful life you’ve had. Of course you’re a mess! No one else could have handled it any better. Why don’t I get you a little bowl of ice cream to make yourself feel better?”

UGH! After going through a powerful nurturing cycle by itself without the follow-up limits cycle, I really hate to say it, but I ended up with my head in the refrigerator, crying and despairing about how awful the bulk of my life has been. I couldn’t have felt any sorrier for myself at all. Trust me, feeling sorry for yourself is extremely self-defeating and will just make you more miserable.

Luckily, I stopped the hard-core binging by the next day, but I also stopped moving forward. I couldn’t face reading that book anymore – even to learn the limits part of the process. And, I certainly couldn’t face what I had learned about myself – I had more emotional trash inside me that had eluded me and my coach! Instead of learning and working to get myself out of the rut I put myself in, I chose instead to numb myself like most non-addicted Americans do – I watched too much TV, I played on the computer, I took naps.

I had lost my optimism; I lost my excitement for my life. I kept thinking to myself, “I gotta get out that last bit of emotional trash and get back to my happy self!” But, I was afraid. I’m still afraid. But, I have to push through and finish reading and challenging myself. I may wait until Todd is home next week so I’ll have some support, and this will be the first time I ask him for support, so it’s even more scary! But, I have to push through.

You see, nurturing has to have limits – many times you have to say ‘no’ to a child, even when the child is upset and crying. You have to give a child boundaries and healthy expectations of behavior and decision-making. When a child falls down, you can choose to panic and get all upset (subsequently teaching the child to get all upset when things don’t go her way) or you can pick her up, dust her off, and send her on her way wiser, more experienced, and stronger in dealing with life’s occasional bumps and bruises. This is setting limits for her – not indulging her.

I’d like to talk more now about what my emotional trash is. This is where I begin to deal with it and heal and move on. But, this is post is plenty long enough already. Tune in tomorrow for more on my newly-unearthed emotional trash that I have to work through. Writing is so helpful in slowly facing fears and our feelings. Come along on the journey, won’t you?

Honesty is my newest top Core Value!

Wow, the time this summer is just flying by. I have a list of things I want to talk about, so I'll just get started.

1) Sunday was my one year anniversary with Todd! We had a wonderful meal at Nobu in Malibu on Sunday night. I got him some nice pottery planters (eventually we’ll pick out some actual plants!) for landscaping in his back “yard.” His backyard is basically a huge concrete slab and a pool. The slab is bordered by a wall, and on the other side is a steep hill covered in ivy that only the dogs use. We’re beginning to talk about some options to perk it up a bit. We both love low-maintenance (think desert plants), but we would like it to be a little bit more interesting. I’ll keep you posted on this project!

His main gift to me was a beautiful necklace with a diamond-studded “T.” I was absolutely floored by this. I’ve never had a boyfriend so proud to be with me that he wanted me to wear his initial for all the world to see all the time. It makes me feel really special and important to him. And, no matter what I’m doing or where I am, now I always feel like he’s here with me. I’ll never be alone when I wear it. And, I’m so proud to wear it. It's like he's saying to me that he wants to be with me always, even though he can't. Thank you, Baby! I adore it! He also made me a little bead bracelet from his niece & nephews’ bead kit that I can wear all the time (so cute!). AND, he made me a custom, Todd-designed pair of Nike sneakers!! They haven’t come in yet, but I know they’ve got pink (my favorite color!) in them. He’s got such great taste with fashion and color that I know I’m going to love them. And, they’ll definitely be unique! I’ll get photos of all my gifts posted soon!

2) You may all be sick of hearing about it, but I’ve got some things to say about Mel Gibson’s drunken relapse. In many ways, he’s just like you and me. He runs to his addiction to calm and numb him. No matter what amazing things he accomplishes in Hollywood, no matter how much money he makes or how many people adore him, he’s got some very big internal pain that is still making him miserable inside. He deserves some compassion for that. But, he also needs to do the heavy work that I did to recover – the heavy work that you still have to do, too. The man’s got kids. If for no other reason, he needs to commit to learning and living the skills I learned so that his kids won’t go out into the world without a clue – just like you and me and himself.

3) I had a VERY interesting chat on Saturday with one of Todd’s good friends. Although it’s really hard for me to envision it, he’s an ex-heroin addict. Now he doesn’t even drink, although he’s a musician, so he’s in bars a lot. We were alone for awhile, and since I had a few drinks in me to give me the courage, I just blurted out that I was a recovered addict, too, and I would like to talk with him about it. He was super sweet and really open and honest with me. He validated for me many of the things that I suspected about other addicts: they’re just like us. They just have a different “drug” of choice. He told me that he turned to heroin in times of stress and uncertainty, when he had to make big decisions. He also lacked self-trust and self-awareness, so his head would get all chaotic and confused and just plain loud with conflicting advice and directions. He had to numb himself just so he wouldn’t go insane with the noise – just so he could function. We talked for quite some time, and I wish I could remember more of the details, but unfortunately, I was a wee bit drunk. That’s kinda funny in a sick way, huh?

4) Yvonne had told me about a book called, The Pathway by Laurel Mellin. Yvonne wrote, “She believes that "ALL" addictions can be "cured" by leaning better coping mechanisms and changing the way you think.” Of course, that got my interest since it sounded very much like my experience with my coach. I’ve only read 60 pages so far, it appears her philosophy is identical to my coach’s. Here are a good couple of quotes about how her approach works. The “feeling brain” she writes about is basically the heart I talk about.

“Your feeling brain does not learn by having an epiphany, gaining insight, or figuring it out. It learns by repeated experience. The more you use the skills, the more dominant the neural networks that favor balance become.” In other words, the good habits you learn and then commit to using over and over again soon become habit. She also writes:

“Changes often appear unconscious –Changes don’t appear to come primarily from willpower or intention, but from an unconscious change that decreases the drive to excess.”

This is exactly what happened with me – the interest in binging and purging just slowly faded away, without my focusing on it at all. After the initial intense learning sessions with my coach, I just focused on staying hyper aware of my thoughts and feelings and doing the daily exercises my coach expected me to turn in to him every week. I began to feel good about myself and trust myself INSPITE of the bulimia, and the desire for it faded away. I very highly recommend you all go out and get this from the library or buy it. Today! Thank you, Yvonne!!

5) This one is a little harder to admit to you all, but it's the most important. I knew I’ve been feeling a bit “off” in the last few weeks, since Todd went up to Malibu. It took me awhile to actually force myself (yes, I had to force myself) to sit down and use my own new skills to figure it out and make a change. Even now after recovery and, I expect, for the rest of my life, I am and will be faced with experiences that challenge me. There will be change. There will be new self-truths as I grow and change and, let’s face it, age. So, after I finally had my little sit-down commune with my heart, I realized that I haven’t been honest with Todd. There is something that hasn’t been quite right, but I have just ignored it, pushed it back to my unconscious, figuring that it’s my responsibility, not his. Plus, it’s very uncomfortable to talk about some things, even with the people you most love and trust. But, that’s not fair to him. And, it’s not conducive to having the kind of relationship we both want – total awareness of each other’s needs and wants. We may not be able to meet each other’s needs and wants all the time – or even very often. But, at least if we know, we can choose to try. Plus, I would just feel better if I wasn't keeping any secrets from Todd. Keeping secrets from him is really just lying to him.

I found that my secret made it a LOT harder for me to sit down and write in my blog. My creativity and even my love for sharing with you was completely blocked by my unconscious awareness that I wasn’t living according to my Core Values. I wasn’t being honest with him or, for that matter, with myself. My fearful head was shielding my heart from potentially doing something “stupid” and getting hurt. And, so my heart was blocked from helping me to make the right choices that make me feel good about me.

So, I decided late last night that tomorrow when I go up to Malibu, I’m going to open up with him. My head is still screaming, “don’t do it! It’s stupid to make yourself so vulnerable! He’s just going to get hurt and mad and frustrated and disappointed with you anyway! He’ll begin to think this relationship isn’t what it seemed like, that it’s becoming too much work, that there are too many strings attached. He'll think you're just like his ex-girlfriend. He’ll start to look around for something better suited to his lifestyle and how he envisions a happy life for himself. You’re not worth the effort and consideration you’re asking from him. He’ll leave you. Worse than that, he’ll be annoyed with you! Don’t do it!!”

It feels like a risk, but it’s a risk with so much potential upside that I HAVE to push through my fear and screaming head. I HAVE to if I want to function well. I HAVE to if I want to continue to feel so great about me and about my relationship. I HAVE to if I really trust and love and respect Todd. I HAVE to if I really believe I can have that healthy, supportive, and strong relationship I envision and so want for myself.

Ok, so mind (and heart!) made up, now I just hope I can get to him before he reads this blog entry!! He’s only got dial-up in Malibu, so I’ve got a shot. Keep your fingers crossed!

I’ve actually got more to say about what's been going on in my world – see how the dam just burst open once I got myself back inline with my Core Values??! My creativity and energy is back with a vengeance. I even had a great call tonight with my jeweler who is going to make up a nice new design for our recovery bracelets. I want to also write about and to Bobby and April and Mary Pat. You guys know who you are. I'll get to you, I promise! All this just from a little, hour or so long sit-down with my heart and my truth.

What have I learned from this experience?

·          I’ve learned that the next time I lose ambition or energy to write, there’s something blocking my heart. And, I need to have a little sit-down commune with it to learn what it needs.

·          I’ve learned that I have to be hyper-vigilant about telling my truth and not hiding it out of fear. I have to take risks to be honest. Honesty has just become one of my top Core Values along with Compassion, Peace, and Independence. I learned the hard way, but I learned!

Good quote on Fear

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must do the thing you think you cannot do."

- Eleanor Roosevelt 

It's that time of year again

Todd is leaving on Friday for annual 5 week hiatus at his friends' rented Malibu beach house. Last year, this time was filled with emotional highs and lows for me. It's really interesting to look back at what I was like then. I remember the feelings and the chaos in my head. It was truly a testing ground for my new "enlightenment." I am proud of how I dealt with it all with my growing skills, and I'm so very happy that I've progressed SO much farther than that. I've grown immensely stronger in my:

* self-awareness and trust: I know what my heart values for my time and energy (working on my purpose and my own growth) as opposed to what my ego wants (hanging out at the beach drinking too much with strangers who probably prefer small talk).

* ability to be alone successfully: productively doing the things that are most important to my Core Values, and so make me feel happy and fulfilled.

* ability to be fully aware and grateful in the moment: wherever I am, doing whatever I’m doing, I trust in my soul that the moment is perfect – everything is just the way it’s supposed to be for my growth, my future, my life experience. I don’t judge this moment as inadequate by comparing it to some false ideal of what I “should” be doing.

* non-attachment to people or ideas or things, so I’m not disappointed when things don’t go the way I envision and anticipate them to.

>

Knowing that, you can go ahead and read my thoughts from back then. It was definitely a struggle for me. I wrote with anger and frustration on August 16: Ugly living in Hollywood

I wish I had written more about what was going on in my head. I was very frantic and couldn’t focus for long on writing about how upset I was. I didn’t write again for 6 days. The chaos and my out of control thoughts led, of course, to a relapse of my binging and purging on August 22.

Luckily, I knew that a relapse is a self-learning opportunity that must be investigated. A relapse means that we made a bad decision – we ignored and/or mistrusted our hearts and opted instead to believe in the ego and fear of our heads. It took me some patience and time and honesty with myself, but I learned where I went wrong and wrote about it on August 28: Bad decision-making.

This year, since Todd and I have been together almost a year (Malibu last year is when we got together – I told you it had it’s ups and downs!), I’ll be at the beach house every weekend, at least every Saturday and Sunday. And, this year, I’m so much stronger and wiser, and I’m more enmeshed in my purpose (which is working with you!), so I’m very confident that I’ll remain focused and be very productive and joyful during the week nights when he and I are apart.

The Wisdom of Insecurity & Uncertainty

A few weeks ago, I listened to Deepak Chopra’s The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success on CD during my commute. I found this portion to be really appropriate for us addicts.

You see, our inability to be OK with uncertainty/unpredictability/insecurity is a major consequence of our inability to trust/have faith in ourselves – which I think is the #1 reason why we’re sick, why we need something artificial to calm us and quiet the chaos in our heads.

So, I borrowed the book from the library, and I typed it all out for you here. That’s how important learning and implementing this in my own life was for my recovery – and how important it will be for you.

“People are constantly seeking security, and you will find that seeking security is actually a very ephemeral thing. Even attachment to money is a sign of insecurity. You might say, “When I have X million dollars, then I’ll be secure. Then I’ll be financially independent and I will retire. Then I will do all the things I really want to do.” But it never happens – never happens.

Those who seek security chase it for a lifetime without ever finding it. It remains elusive and ephemeral, because security can never come from money alone. Attachment to money will always create insecurity no matter how much money you have in the bank. In fact, some of the people who have the most money are the most insecure.

The search for security is an illusion. In ancient wisdom traditions, the solution to this whole dilemma lies in the wisdom of insecurity, or the wisdom of uncertainty. This means that the search for security and certainty is actually an attachment to the known. And what’s the known? The known is our past. The known is nothing other than the prison of past conditioning. There’s no evolution in that – absolutely none at all. And when there is no evolution, there is stagnation, entropy, disorder, and decay.

Uncertainty, on the other hand, is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom. Uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence. The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is just the stale repetition of outworn memories. You become the victim of the past, and your tormentor today is your self left over from yesterday.

Relinquish your attachment to the known, step into the unknown, and you will step into the field of all possibilities. In your willingness to step into the unknown, you will have the wisdom of uncertainty factored in. This means that in every moment of your life, you will have excitement, adventure, mystery. You will experience the fun of life – the magic, the celebration, the exhilaration, and the exultation of your own spirit.”

What Chopra is saying is that you will ONLY acquire the sense of security when you fully trust in and rely on yourself and your own knowledge and abilities. Only when you truly believe that, whatever happens in this crazy world, you are creative, smart, effective, and bold enough to figure some way to handle it, will you find complete inner peace, calm, and, yes, security.

This was 100% true for me. This is why my coach had me put so much effort into my Daily Checklist and Success Journal. He couldn’t just tell me, “begin to trust yourself completely; begin to have complete faith in your creativity and resourcefulness.” I had to PROVE to myself that I am, indeed, creative, resourceful, and effective enough to handle the myriad of tasks and experiences I needed to handle to get me here to this point so far in my year and a half since recovery. And, this is why I continue to take risks in the direction of my dreams every day. I continue to prove to myself just how capable I am.

You have to prove it to yourself as well.

Yes, I still feel fear in me when I have to go beyond my comfort zone and try things I’ve never done before. I still feel fear when I face potential rejection and failure. But, I no longer allow that fear to hold me back. I have pushed through fear and self-doubt many, MANY times in this last year and a half, and I have proved to myself just how great the rewards are for doing so.

Fear & self-doubt and pushing through

I’m FINALLY through (almost?) with my extremely busy 2 weeks. Since my boss is leaving for a month, he and I have been working feverishly to get a whole month’s worth of stuff done in about a week and a half. PLUS, I had the Dr. Ablow show I’ve been working on. PLUS, I had to give a Toastmasters speech yesterday (my 9^th out of 10 in the first program!). And, of course, I have YOU to support and love!

I’m completely exhausted. But, I’m feeling incredibly proud of and impressed with myself. Like I’m always telling you to do – I wanted to PROVE to myself that I was creative, smart, and dedicated enough to get it all done. And, I did it! Yeah me!

I could have cancelled my speech. I could have put the Dr. Ablow show on hold (although I’m beginning to wonder if the producer has put it on hold herself . . .). I could have gone completely missing from my blog. But, I didn’t. Each of these big responsibilities is important to my heart. So, I said, I’m going to go for it and see what I can do. And, I did great! I didn’t do it all myself. My boyfriend asked if he could help me with the speech, and I said, “Oh hell, yes!” So, since the topic is near and dear to his heart – he went ahead and wrote the whole thing for me! I still had to put together the PowerPoint slideshow and rehearse it thoroughly. But, his contribution was a tremendous and amazing help to me!

Even though I’m exhausted, I am very well aware of the differences between how I handled it all now and how I would have handled it (or not?) in my past before recovery.

In my past, I would have been panic stricken about all the work. I would have wasted a lot of time agonizing about canceling the speech or working on the show, because although I “knew” I couldn’t do it all, I knew that later I would feel tremendous guilt about letting either one go. My head would scream at me, “there’s no way you can handle it all, you’re a failure, incapable, lazy, and inadequate.” But, on the other hand I would also hear in my head, “but, it’s simply too much work – I don’t want to torture myself like that! My peace is more important than a stupid speech or show!” My head would be a confused and chaotic mess, screaming with judgments, pleading, criticism, fear, hopelessness, helplessness, even anger - wishing I had never “been put in this situation” with so many things requiring my attention.

In my past, I wouldn’t have been able to stay focused on any one task for long because my worries about the other responsibilities would chirp in, “you better hurry; you’re working too slowly, you idiot! You SHOULD be working on something else. You just can’t balance your time, you dummy! You’re just going to mess everything up!”

So, you know what that calls for . . . a trip to the fridge, the TV, and the toilet – in that order. Then, work for another couple of hours maybe and then back to the fridge. That’s the only way I could quiet my head enough to be able to focus. I would simply not be able to get anything done without binging.

Now, before panicking last week, I calmly thought about all three things going on. I asked myself, should I let one go to make it easier on myself? After consulting my heart, I understood that I didn’t want to let anything go (although in different circumstances, that may have been the right way to go). I also realized that this would be another great opportunity to PROVE to myself that I am EXTREMELY effective, clever, energetic, and efficient about things I care about. I understood that after a potentially hellish couple of weeks, I would be so much stronger, so much more confident in my abilities, so much more able to handle whatever other challenges came along, and my comfort zone would grow tremendously.

I knew I would have to work cleverly and efficiently. I made plans. I would sacrifice other things for a week –like working out, snoozing in the pool, and watching movies every night with Todd. That seemed fair and felt right in my heart. I allowed myself to not be perfect, but to do as good a job as possible. I asked for and/or accepted offers of help from my team (my boyfriend, my coworkers, and fellow Toastmasters). And, I actively converted the pressure to energy and momentum. I’m impressed and surprised, to be honest, at how hard I worked and how much time I spent on these obligations. I also feel so excited and empowered about how quiet my judgmental, fearful head was during this time – once I made up my mind to do it all, it stayed quiet and out of the way (just like it’s supposed to!). I stayed focused on how grateful I was to have these wonderful opportunities: the Dr. Ablow show, my Toastmasters group, my wonderful job, and all my wonderful readers who give me so much energy and love and encouragement in my journey. And, everything fell into place.

Like I said, I’m exhausted today. I’m no Superwoman! I will need to rest and recover. I deserve it and need it. But, damn I’m proud of myself.

I’m going to dinner and a movie with Todd. I’ll write more tomorrow. Love to you all!

Another thought about fear of going after our dreams

I was thinking more about this post: http://onbulimia.blogs.com/journeys/2006/07/miss_blue_is_in.html, and, I have more to say (shocker, huh?).

I want to tell all of you that rejection and failure are part of life. I would argue that every successful person in the world has experienced them both, probably many times over. I would also argue that "failures" or "losers" probably have never experienced them - because they're too AFRAID of them to even TRY!

You HAVE to get over your fear of them, or you, too, will never try. And, this will be your biggest regret at the end of your life. As I always say, you can't just talk yourself out of fear of taking risks; you can't just study or prepare yourself out of fear of taking risks. You have to get out there and PROVE TO YOURSELF that you can survive rejection and failure and that, yes it's true, rejection and failure will 1) make you stronger & smarter & more creative for the next attempt, 2) dramatically grow your comfort zone so you're less afraid next time, and 3) cross off one of all your myriad of alternative paths to get you to your goal.

I challenge you all to figure out a way to get a big rejection out of the way as soon as possible. Don't just go at it willy-nilly, though. Don't go in there preparing to be rejected. Go in there preparing to succeed! Do your research and practice, practice, practice. Then, if you succeed, you're on your way to the realization of your dreams (and, you'll have to find another risk to go after where you might fail -this is your assignment!)! And, if you fail, you've accomplished your mission, AND you're on your way to realization of your dreams cuz you're now braver, stronger, smarter, and you have fewer dead ends in your path.

You can't lose if you simply never give up your dreams and never quit taking risks in that direction.

Miss Blue is IN

She still has to speak with the producer (which could take a while - she's been super busy), but Miss Blue is thinking about appearing on the Dr. Ablow show with us. Send her a note of support if you can.

I also wanted to say something to Palmtreechick in response to her comment here: http://onbulimia.blogs.com/journeys/2006/07/happy_road_to_r.html#comments

PTC: you don't have a bulimia (thank god!), but it's obvious you still struggle with the same self-doubt, fear, self-judgment, and self-defeating attitude that got us started in binging and purging.  You wrote:

"I'm not so sure my fear is irrational. I want to be a country singer. That's like wanting to be a famous actor...not so easy to achieve. Not that I'm really doing anything to get there, but I don't think I'm good enough. That's what's holding me back. It's a crazy dream!! It's not like I want to do something simple."

It just so happened that I got this quote in my daily inspirational email:

"Success seems to be largely a matter of hanging on after others have let go."       -William Feather

You sound like you've let go before even trying!

Every dream seems difficult to acheive when we're just starting out! That's why they're called dreams! And, that's why we need to keep that dream clear and and in view at all times. Go to bed saying to yourself: I want to be a successful country singer. Get up in the morning with the thought: I want to be a successful country singer. Keep notes in your car, on your desk, in your purse, etc. that say: I want to be a successful country singer. And, then each day, you'll have the inspiration, creative ideas, and energy to take one little baby step in that direction. When you keep your goals in front of you everyday, your mind will continue to spin with ideas that will help get you there -even while you're sleeping.

It may take years to achieve your dream, but with determination and consistent little steps, you can't help but get there someday. Plus, when you commit to taking a little step each day, you no longer can say to yourself, “it’s a crazy dream!” because you’ll begin to see progress and growth in yourself.

Right now, you’ve got to stop allowing those self-judgmental, self-defeating thoughts. I bet every successful singer out there at some point felt the same way you do right now. You know why they succeeded? Cuz they pushed through their fear. They pushed through the self-doubt and self-defeat. They kept that dream alive and very clear and focused in their minds every day. They never let failures or other people’s negativity sway them, either. Their dream was in their hearts, and that became their purpose in life. They let nothing get in the way.

Just like I have on the back of my business card, “Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.” –James Allen, As A Man Thinketh.

By the way - you really need to do my Exercises #2 and #3 around your dream. They will help you set daily and weekly goals for yourself to get going and keep you going on your dream.

On irrational thinking

Chaos, paranoia, confusion, fear, anxiety, judgment, resentment, rage, jealousy, self-doubt, guilt, shame, hopelessness.

Sound familiar?

You may not regularly experience all of these, but I bet you experience many of them on a regular basis. These are some of the emotions that send us running for the calming comfort of our ED.

Do bulimics just have more stressful lives than everyone else? Are our lives inherently more chaotic than normal people? Are bulimics’ families more dysfunctional, more controlling, more crazy than those of everyone else? Some say bulimics have control issues and “can’t stand” to feel like things are out of their control. Perhaps, bulimics just have less control over their lives than everyone else?

The answer to all these questions is NO. Bulimics are faced with the same pressures, uncertainty, change, and crazy families that everyone else experiences in life. The difference between bulimics and healthy people is in how we interpret these pressures and, subsequently, how we react to them and how we end up feeling. We process and understand the world in very different ways. In fact, we even interpret and react to the absence of stress in very different ways.

I’m going to throw it out there in the simplest way possible because it needs to be said and accepted: for whatever reasons why (“why” doesn’t actually matter at all), bulimics persistently interpret the world and themselves irrationally and incorrectly.

We interpret everything through a lens of fear – fear that we can’t cope, fear that we’re incapable, fear of judgment, abandonment, failure, success, etc. The list goes on and on, relatively uniquely according to our own unique past experiences.

I don’t call us irrational lightly. But, I do feel qualified to make such a strong statement because of my work with my coach, who focused on teaching me to realize for myself just how irrational my thinking was, and because of my year plus in recovery, realizing the beautiful and surprising results of my learning to think rationally.

I absolutely needed my coach at first to monitor my thinking (mostly in the form of my writing – he reviewed and “corrected” all of my weekly Exercises #3). Then, I went on to do more reading on my own about how our interpretations rule our emotions, our experiences, our circumstances. I proved it to myself by objectively observing my old automatic fearful and negative interpretations and how they made me feel emotionally and physically. Then, I would push myself to think up creative, more optimistic interpretations of the same event and again objectively observe myself. Life isn’t about getting the “correct” answer to why other people say and do what they will or why things happen as they do. There almost always is no correct answer. However, there is always a correct response for us . . . we should always choose the most optimistic, compassionate, non-judgmental interpretation we can possibly imagine. This enables us to feel the best about others, our world, and ourselves. And, then we feel no compulsion to hurt or criticize ourselves, or anyone else.

I hate to be so simplistic (believe me, I know none of this is simple for us at first while we’re learning), but the key to banishing our irrational, self-destructive thoughts is to always “look for the bright side.” Studies have shown that the happiest people in the world are those who most habitually “look for the bright side.”

I don’t believe real recovery is possible until we learn to consistently interpret our world rationally. Remember how I had begun writing a book about recovery through coaching and spiritual growth? Well, the first chapter I wrote and submitted to the publisher was actually the chapter on our irrational and self-destructive beliefs. Of course, once I got comments back I decided I didn’t want to commit the time and focus required to get a book done right now. But, I do think now is the right time to get the chapter cleaned up and get it out there for you. SO, this is where I’m going to focus my efforts for the next month.

For now, begin to consider the below irrational thoughts and beliefs I used to have. Do any sound familiar? Do you have others you could add to the list? It doesn’t matter who you are or what your life is like, if you think any of the below, you are being irrational and wrong:

• I don’t have enough time; I’ll never have enough time.
• I have no time to waste. There is absolutely none to spare.
• I should be doing something productive at all times.
• People are always judging me – my looks, my words, the things I like to do.
• I’m weirder than most everyone. I have to work hard to act ‘normal’.
• I’ve been hurt and messed up too badly. I’m beyond repair.
• I’ve got such ugly things about me. No one else could ever be sympathetic. They would just think of me as a complete freak.
• My life is inherently a mess. And, there’s nothing I can do about it.
• I can’t trust myself at all. My head is too confused to know the ‘right’ things to say and the ‘right’ way to behave.
• If I could just quit my bulimia, then I’d be happy.
• If I could just stop caring about my looks, then I could quit bulimia.
• If I could just get that really great job (or get married, or have a family, or get away from my crazy family, etc.), then I’d be happy and I could quit my bulimia.
• If I could just keep busy enough, I won’t be able to binge & purge and I can recover.
• I’m so far behind in my life, I’ll never catch up to where I “should” be.
• There are just certain things that I cannot handle.
• I’m such a mean person.

Quote to help you defeat fear of failure

Forget about the consequences of failure. Failure is only a temporary change in direction to set you straight for your next success.

Denis Waitley

I saw Denis Waitley speak last October, and I was so inspired and moved. TODAY, I commit to reserving a book or two of his at the library.

Panic and addiction

Last night, I had my old recurring nightmare where I had just binged like a crazy woman, but for some reason I couldn't purge. I woke up in a panic, which I, very thankfully, haven't experienced in well over a year. Realizing it was a dream, I quickly calmed down and felt very thankful those days are over for good.

But, it occurred to me that during my worst, most out of control struggle with bulimia (only about 10 years out of the 14 I suffered), my entire waking life was like a low-grade, persistant panic attack.

And, the only relief I could find was in those few precious moments after a purge when I was too relieved and spent to feel anything but calm, quiet, and just plain numb.

No wonder bulimia is such a hellish addiction.

Dental problems from bulimia

OK, let’s talk about tooth decay from bulimia. For me, this has been my biggest fear and regret about my bulimia. Even after recovery, I believe this fear will continue to haunt me. I learned within my first year of suffering to follow up a purge with antacids to minimize the damage from stomach acid. I would chew a couple at a time, swishing them around my mouth, for at least 5 to even 10 minutes after each purge. But, stomach acid is incredibly strong and our thin layer of protective tooth enamel relatively weak. There’s no way to completely protect against damage, particularly if you’re bulimic for any number of years.

I remember my first job out of college. I took a crappy job near home just to be near my mom who was in the hospital and not doing so well. Believe it or not, I tried selling frozen meat and seafood door to door! I was terrible at it! To this day, I couldn’t sell a glass of water to a man dying of dehydration! One woman who just heard my sales pitch patted me sympathetically on the shoulder and said, “you seem like such a nice girl. Isn’t there anything else you can do??”

Anyway, the “training” program involved spending a few whole days (we’re talking 11 hour days, here) with an experienced salesperson to learn the ropes. The woman who was assigned to train me was clearly bulimic. Her teeth were more rotten than I ever thought possible for someone to continue to get nourishment by chewing. It hurt me to look at her. After a couple of days, we finally opened up to each other about it. It was so obvious that she was bulimic, I decided to open up to her. She was the first person I ever told about it. She told me about the times her husband would restrain her physically while she was kicking and screaming and biting him to get into the kitchen to get her fix. We would eat lunch together on the road, and it pained me to watch how she had to eat so slowly, painfully, waiting for her saliva to soften her food to minimize the need for chewing. She and her husband were saving every penny they earned to get her teeth fixed. At their level of income, they knew it would take many years and many sacrifices. And, unless her fixed teeth were resistant to stomach acid, they both knew the “fix” would last only so long, because she had completely given up on any hope she could recover.

It seems like I would have learned some lessons from her. But, everyday after lunch, I would excuse myself to go throw up. We always drove in silence for a while after that.

Well, today, I happened to get a newswire about National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, Feb. 27 to March 5, and it had a link to a dentist’s website who apparently is experienced in fixing bulimics’ ravaged teeth. It’s funny timing because just yesterday when I was uploading my new photo albums, one photo of me really struck me. My teeth look horribly yellow. But, I don’t want to do anything about it since it seems all those commercial teeth whiteners work by stripping off the top stained layer of enamel. I could be wrong, but I’m so frightened to make my teeth any more sensitive and vulnerable than they already are.

Dr. McKay has before and after photos of 2 of his bulimic patients. Take a look. Yes, it's disturbing, but we can't hide from it by denying it. I’m sure it costs a fortune, but it gives me hope that we can (if we have the money, that is) reclaim the smiles we were meant to have. To minimize the chance you'll end up like this, please remember to use antacids after every purge. In fact, I still chew on them after any type of acidic food, including sour fruit and wine.

"Because of you" song lyrics

I have been loving this song for its raw honesty and how it relates to me, and maybe to you. Whether or not it applies in reality at all to the artist, Kelly Clarkson, I appreciate how her character in the song admits her debilitating fear and how she understands the source of that fear. I always covered up my profound fear –of just about everything- by being angry at the world and blaming everyone for my anxiety. Yes, she, too, is blaming someone else for creating her fear, but she’s being honest and objective and actually quite emotionless about how she came to learn her behavior of reacting to the world with fear. She’s not covering it up, and she’s not at all hopeless about her current limitations. She’s using her knowledge of how that behavior can lead only to “death,” either literally or figuratively. She’s actively choosing not to go down that path. She is choosing to use her knowledge to change her habits and live a very different life from the person who taught her to fear everything. You and I, too, need to be objective and emotionless and as compassionate as humanly possible with everyone involved when thinking back to where and when we learned our fear, our self-doubt, and our need for external approval and validation. We may have limits now in terms of our skill-sets, but we can choose to learn and grow beyond those limits. We can choose to fight our automatic response to become afraid and doubtful. We can choose to take risks to do what we really want in our hearts to do. We can choose to learn to trust that whatever life brings, we'll be ok - we have the creativity, the energy, and the flexibility to work our way around obstacles, always in pursuit of the life we want for ourselves.

I see both of my parents in this song.

My father taught me to fear and distrust my own decisions because he used my words against me. I reached out to him with my anxiety over how my mother’s home (my childhood home) was falling apart and seemed unsafe to me. I asked him for ideas on how to fix some things, and I admit I was hoping he would feel sorry for me and my sister and help out financially to get some problems fixed. Instead, he decided to take my words to court to use them to demonstrate how my mother was unfit to take care of us. As you can bet, I blamed myself for a very long time for that. I sincerely thought I was doing the right thing for my mother, but instead I only invited the hungry wolf right into our home. I had to work hard to forgive myself (about 20 years after the fact) for just being a scared little girl, and I had to forgive my father for thinking, however mistakenly, that he, too, was doing what he needed to do to protect his two little girls. The thought that, by working to discredit my mother, he was really hurting his kids, too, either didn’t cross his mind or was insignificant to his own fear that his kids were suffering in my mother’s home. We both did the best we could with the information we had and the internal skills we had.

My mother taught me to fear the world since it seemed like she could never catch a break from the world; everything in her life was so very hard. She also suffered from a true phobia of the world: agoraphobia, or fear of going outside or being around others. It actually did seem to her and her children, as well, that people were conspiring against her. For whatever reason(s), my mother found it difficult to keep a job, and so we lived in poverty, completely dependent on my father’s child support checks and with no security or stability. She believed, with some evidence in support of this belief, that her ex-husband, my father, was trying to make her life as difficult as possible. We were instructed to never tell him about her work, because it seemed he would always make a call or two to her employer and tell stories that would make any employer cautious about her. I believe that he did this to force her to give us up to him. I do believe that he thought it would be best for us if he and his new wife raised us. But, I was petrified of that happening because I didn’t think my mom could survive the heartbreak; she wasn’t very strong.

My father had a wife and a step-daughter and two careers to support them all. My mom had nothing: no friends, no stable job, no reliable car or safe home. And, I had learned to be very afraid of my father and stepmother. I felt they were strangers – and often cruel strangers. They said mean things about others, including my sister, my mom, and whole populations of people. My stepmother was prejudiced. Obviously, neither parent provided a secure option for me. I had plenty to fear in each household. At least with my mom, I had my friends and my school and the profound comfort of familiarity.

Artist: Kelly Clarkson

Song: Because Of You

Album: Breakaway

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did,

You fell so hard I've learned the hard way

To never let it get that far

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry because you know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life

My heart can't possibly break when it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid

I watched you die; I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young; you should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else; you just saw your pain

And now I cry in the middle of the night for the same damn thing

Because of you

I never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt

Because of you

I try my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

Cultures & personality disorders & fear

This story in the New York Times yesterday is truly amazing and really relates to us: Shutting Themselves In. I copied the most relevant bits here for you. I also put this in a brand new category on my blog: On Fear. It seems that for these shut-ins in Eastern cultures as well as for us ED folks in Western cultures, fear of failure and our inability to trust ourselves to cope with life directly lead to our particular obsessive behaviors.

There is a very disturbing trend (I'd say epidemic) among young Japanese men who for whatever reasons decide it's better to just stay locked up in their bedrooms rather than face life on the outside. For years. They’re called hikikomori, which translates as "withdrawal" and refers to a person sequestered in his room for six months or longer with no social life beyond his home. “though female hikikomori exist and may be undercounted, experts estimate that about 80 percent of the hikikomori are male, some as young as 13 or 14 and some who live in their rooms for 15 years or more.” Yikes.

The author compares this trend to the West’s anorexia among mostly young women: “South Korea and Taiwan have reported a scattering of hikikomori, and isolated cases may have always existed in Japan. But only in the last decade and only in Japan has hikikomori become a social phenomenon. Like anorexia, which has been largely limited to Western cultures, hikikomori is a culture bound syndrome that thrives in one particular country during a particular moment in its history.”

One expert “who has treated more than 1,000 hikikomori patients, views the problem as largely a family and social disease, caused in part by the interdependence of Japanese parents and children and the pressure on boys, eldest sons in particular, to excel in academics and the corporate world. Today's parents are more demanding because Japan's declining birth rate means they have fewer children on whom to push their hopes.”  “If a kid doesn't follow a set path to an elite university and a top corporation, many parents - and by extension their children - view it as a failure.”

The article goes on to discuss how it is most likely cultural pressure and expectations that lead these young men to believe they can neither succeed nor even cope. They just give up on even trying.

Sounds familiar, but with a cultural twist, huh?

“they are more likely to suffer depression or obsessive-compulsive behaviors. In some cases these psychological problems lead to hikikomori. But often they are symptoms - a consequence of spending months cooped up inside their rooms and inside their heads.”

“Many hikikomori also describe miserable school years when they didn't, or couldn't, conform to the norm. They were bullied for being too fat or too shy or even for being better than everyone else at sports or music. As the Japanese saying goes, "The nail that sticks out gets hammered in." One hikikomori was a victim of bullying in fifth grade because he excelled in baseball without having played as long as his teammates. His father admitted that he did nothing to help him. "We told him to handle it himself. We thought he was stronger than he was." Fujiwara says that urban Japanese parents lead increasingly isolated lives - removed from the extended family and tight-knit communities of previous generations - and simply don't know how to teach their children to communicate and negotiate relationships with peers.

“In other societies the response from many youths would be different. If they didn't fit into the mainstream, they might join a gang or become a Goth or be part of some other subculture. But in Japan, where uniformity is still prized and reputations and outward appearances are paramount, rebellion comes in muted forms, like hikikomori. Any urge a hikikomori might have to venture into the world to have a romantic relationship or sex, for instance, is overridden by his self-loathing and the need to shut his door so that his failures, real or perceived, will be cloaked from the world.”

"Japanese young people are considered the safest in the world because the crime rate is so low. But I think it's related to the emotional state of people. In every country, young people have adjustment disorders. In Western culture, people are homeless or drug addicts. In Japan, it's apathy problems like hikikomori."

“typical hikikomori thinking: better to stay in your room than risk venturing into the world and failing.”

It’s all just fear, something all humans have to face on a regular basis. But, our ability to manage our fear seems to be the most powerful determinant of how well we do, how content and happy we are, in this game of life.

On Fear

Our fear can protect us from painful things by avoiding them, but at the same time it prevents us from overcoming painful things by experiencing them.

Quote from Stewart Emery (I have no idea who this is, but I like the quote):

“Not everyone can love and appreciate and understand us, that's why it is so important that we carry within us our own torch of self love for having the courage to move beyond the fear of failing, knowing that our actions can turn fear into enthusiasm with purpose!”