Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Yesterday was my 2 year anniversary with Todd!

It was a fun night – very “Malibu.”

After work I went right back out to Malibu where Todd is staying in his friends’ rented beach house for 5 weeks and where I go on weekends. We took the dogs (our 3, plus 1 belonging to another guy in the house) for their evening walk on the beach. Two houses away from our beach house is Dick Clark and his wife’s home. Todd is very friendly with them since they’re also dog lovers: they have a Weimaraner just like Todd’s and two pugs. Mrs. Clark saw us and came out with treats for all the dogs and chatted a bit. She is the sweetest woman. Every Saturday, she brings her dogs and a big pot of coffee down to the beach, and her friends from up the beach come by to enjoy the morning together and greet any other passersby. Todd has gotten to know many other neighbors at these little gatherings.

After the walk and doggie-dinner, we had margaritas in the hot tub and then went for a wonderful sushi dinner at Nobu, Malibu, where the “stars” often hang out. It’s not that Nobu is the most amazing restaurant in the world (although it’s very good), it’s honestly that there aren’t that many good restaurants in Malibu! It’s really quite puzzling . . .

We got seated just a couple tables away from James Van Der Beek and his wife Heather McComb. James is a client of one of the guys in the Malibu house, so they’ve been to the parties and have hung out with us over drinks at the house. Heather continues to impress me with how sincerely sweet and down to earth she is, particularly since she's so beautiful and so successful in Hollywood. When she saw us walk into Nobu, she jumped up and gave us each the tightest squeeze and said I looked beautiful. And, later, they sent a bottle of Sapporo over to our table in honor of our anniversary. That made the evening even more special to have others recognize and celebrate our milestone.

SO, on to year #3 together! Whatever the future brings for us, I will always treasure this time when he and I are so happy together. I will consciously & actively enjoy and be grateful for each happy day we have, no matter what happens later.

Unloved: bulimia & romantic relationships

I’ve gotten quite a few emails over the years asking for my opinions and advice about romantic relationships. I have shied away from responding to these since relationships are so personal and so unique. How could I possibly tell you what to do when I have so little information? Plus, I am in no way qualified to be giving advice in that area. What I CAN do and have done since I began the blog is share stories and experiences and opinions about my own relationships. You may or may not be able to relate; you may or may not agree.

For example, I have shared previously that my romantic relationships pre-recovery were almost all unhealthy, although I certainly didn’t recognize them as such at the time. For that reason, my opinion is to get yourself healthy before investing too much into a romantic relationship. However, many of my readers who are still actively bulimic and who still regularly make self-defeating choices are happily married and attribute much of their strength to those relationships.

There is one reader who asked a relationship question that I do want to respond to, however. This email challenged both me and Todd. We discussed it at length a couple different times. I have started and re-started a written response to her many times, though I’ve never finished. She wrote me back on May 28, and I have thought about her almost every day.

C is from Turkey and is 23 years old. She says she has felt and has in fact been told all of her life that she is ugly. She also grew up in a poor family, compared with her peers, which only added to her insecurities. She’s never had a boyfriend, and she feels that each time she gets up her hopes with a man, she ends up horribly disappointed. She wrote that she is currently feeling “completely lonely and worthless” and “ugly and unloved.” She asked me:

“What I wanted to ask you was this: You seem to be having great support from your boyfriend. But if you didn't have Todd, would you still recover as quickly? You are really beautiful both inside and outside and you must have heard a lot of compliments from other men, but hypothetically, if you knew that you had to spend the rest of your life alone, with no men, would you still be determined to stay free of bulimia? If nobody told you that you were beautiful, how would that affect your self esteem?”

First of all, please don’t any of you be fooled into thinking only we with poor self-esteem and eating issues suffer relationship woes, fears, and anxieties. Most EVERYONE worries about these things. I, of course, think this is a direct result of some very sad societal expectations and pressures – which, I’m beginning to realize, are somewhat common across different countries & cultures. I don’t believe we all “need” to have a partner and children and the picket fence and all that. We are just taught that, someday, we will of course have all that and life will be complete and perfect. We aren’t taught to go out into the world and grow and experience and THEN figure out on our own what we really want for ourselves.

Anyway, C, thank you for your sweet compliment about my being “beautiful.” But, you need to understand that, as a very insecure, fearful, and self-loathing bulimic, even if every man I came across in my 14 years of struggle told me that I was beautiful, I would still have been disgusted with myself. Their words would have twisted around in my head to support my messed up view of the world, where I was a horrible, disgusting person and the person who said “kind” things to me was just trying to manipulate me for his/her gain and/or to hurt me. Trust me, no matter how many times people tell you you’re beautiful, you’ll never FEEL beautiful until you believe it yourself. I believe recovery is a big step toward being able to feel beautiful.

You asked if Todd helped in my recovery. I didn’t start dating him until 7 months after I began working with my coach. I was solidly into recovery at that time. My relationship with him has continued to push me and challenge me in my recovery even as lately as last month when I was forced to confront a more subtle effect of all my years of poor self-esteem and fear of being alone (just like you are now). There have been many other challenging times when I could have easily turned back to my old coping mechanism if I was not so firmly into recovery. Strong relationships require you to be nakedly honest and open and vulnerable. Any lingering crap beliefs about yourself or your place in the world will just build up anxiety, self-doubt, confusion, even jealousy and resentment toward your partner. These pressures will eventually send you running for the food to calm yourself or will explode in drama and fights that will slowly wreck your relationship.

What if no one told me NOW that I was beautiful? I would honestly not mind at all, because I know that I am a beautiful soul. And, even though I’m getting older and grayer and with more wrinkles and sags, every day I’m growing more & more beautiful and wonderful on the inside. And, that makes me feel so happy and proud and confident in my decisions – no matter what anyone else says. I no longer need validation from everyone (or anyone) that I’m a very special person. Don’t get me wrong – it’s wonderful to hear someone say you’re beautiful, but pre-recovery, it’s meaningless or suspect, and post-recover, it’s just icing on the very delicious cake you’ve baked for yourself.

I want to say a few other things to C and anyone else feeling lonely and unloved:

1) The only solution to your worrying about whether or not you’ll end up with a wonderful romantic relationship is to accept that maybe you will have one and maybe you won’t. Just like maybe Todd & I will be together forever and maybe we won’t. And, our lives will be wonderful and happy and fulfilling either way. Please trust me on this (Miss Blue would probably back me up – see her comment here): it is much, MUCH better to be alone than to be in a poor relationship just to avoid being alone.

You are going to have to learn to be OK (and eventually even joyful) when you’re alone. You can’t put off joy until (or if) you find that special someone. Since this is a concern for all human beings, you will find some amazing literature on learning to embrace solitude and be happy no matter what your circumstances. Get reading and trying out the new perspectives you learn starting today. Look up these books like the ones I include in the right side bar at your local library, book store, or online. Today.

2) Your self-defeating beliefs and choices and responses (bulimia is just one of them, I’m sure) are not helping you at all in finding love. Common self-defeating beliefs are listed for you here (my blog) and here (coping.org). Do you honestly think you can be the best person you can be with this crap mucking up your head? The individual who is best matched for the true, best person inside of you will never be attracted to you until you clear out all that crap. Todd would never have endured a relationship with the person I was pre-recovery. He wouldn’t have put up with my messed up thinking for long. And, I wouldn’t have been attracted to him. I believed I needed someone to either 1) accept me with all my rage, depression, and unpredictability, or 2) fix me. Now, I know I couldn’t stand a relationship with the drama I created, and I sure as hell don’t want my partner trying to change me. I have a very clear vision of who I want to be, and I am working on my own to grow in that direction. If someone wants me to be someone else, I will quickly move on.

The bottom line is that, in my opinion, you won’t find your best relationship until after you recover. Any relationship now may become frustrating or unfulfilling after recovery. You may even find current platonic or family relationships unfulfilling after recovery. Trust me, your perspectives, attitudes, and needs from other people will change significantly after recovery. Begin working on yourself FOR yourself today.

If you go through recovery in the right way (learning & unlearning & trying new things & growing – not simply white-knuckling it through every panic and compulsion), you, as I did, may suddenly find that solitude actually feels quite liberating, safe and peaceful. You’ll begin to embrace solitude as time to just BE, with no expectations or needs of others. You’ll be able to use this time to take care of yourself and grow in self-awareness and even self-love. You’ll realize your own thoughts and dreams and hobbies are quite entertaining and enjoyable, with no need of validation or participation from others. You’ll grow in self-confidence, inner contentment, quiet and peace. You’ll see that when you don’t NEED from others, you put them at ease. You allow them to just be, without being weighed down by your own hopes and expectations of them.

And, you know what? Those qualities are enormously attractive to others, and they’re impossible to hide when they’re true. You will suddenly find all kinds of people responding to you in positive ways you never dreamed of. And, I dare say that you will never, ever think of yourself as ugly again.

The amazing power of the truth (or "Sex, Part II")

This is part 2 of a short series on the glorious eradication of my last (hopefully!) irrational belief that has kept me thinking and acting in dysfunctional and self-destructive ways, even 2+ years after my recovery. Please read Part 1 here first.

It amazes me that I can be 36 years old, 2+ years recovered from bulimia, rage, depression, and panic disorder, and STILL be unable to deal honestly with my sexual realities! This is exactly why you (and I) cannot stop working on growth, self-awareness, and open, honest communication (with others AND ourselves) just because we no longer actively binge and purge. This stuff is all connected. You can blame it on having learned the wrong things growing up or just plain old bad self-esteem. But, the effects are the same.

Use my story as proof of this: if you find yourself persistently bothered or unhappy about something, you need to get it out into the light, focus on it, research it, ask for help if you need it, and work to FIX IT. Don’t keep telling yourself that you have to learn to live with it. You don’t. Just like with bulimia recovery, you simply do not yet have the right information and tools. Get off your ass, and DO SOMETHING about it.

The problem that I was dishonest with Todd about is that I don’t physically crave sex. Yikes – there it is in writing for the whole world to see. I do enjoy the emotional and psychological aspects of it. But, physically, I could take it or leave it. Mostly, I would prefer to leave it. Yikes again.

I have most often blamed my lack of sex drive on the various medications I’ve taken over the years to deal with my anxiety, depression, and bulimia. I figure I’ve been on something or another for probably 10 out of the 13 years since I first really “got” sex at age 23. Losing sex drive is a very well known side effect of all these medications. But, because I don’t have a long enough history of being sexual without being on meds, I honestly don’t know if there is more to it. Of course, I’ve always been very scared and somewhat convinced there is much more to it.  That fear has been incredibly powerful.

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SIDEBAR

I know many of you are quite young and not yet having sex. Based on my own experience, if you have an ED (or not), I would highly recommend that you delay becoming sexual until you recover or at least until you reach your early to mid-twenties. I had my first sexual experience at age 17, and I never enjoyed it until I was 23 when I had my first orgasm. My first orgasm, by the way, was by myself! It took many more months for me to be able to have one with an actual partner! All that time without “getting” sex just made me more neurotic that I wasn’t “normal.” This made it even harder for me to enjoy it. It was always just an incredible amount of pressure and anxiety, that continued to build over the years.

I strongly urge you to wait until you’ve learned:

1) to trust yourself: your wants, your body, your intuition, your values,

2) to say no, mean it, and feel good about it no matter what the repercussions,

3) to be able to communicate about sex openly and honestly with your partner.

Sex can really complicate relationships. And, trust me, if you are an obsessive thinker or worrier (I bet many or most of you are!), sex will add a whole new layer of stuff to obsess about on a daily basis.

Please, do yourself a loving and self-affirming favor that you will surely thank yourself for later . . . just wait.

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Just like with most if not all secrets, eventually the truth comes out. And, for Todd or anyone from whom the truth is withheld, it feels like he has been lied to all that time. And, it hurts him. And, it scares him. I thought for sure we wouldn’t make it another week when I first was truthful to Todd.

Todd has had quite a few relationships where, a year or so in, the woman comes out with a secret about her true nature – something she hadn’t felt safe to reveal before. Todd is left realizing the woman he fell in love with was just a façade – just make believe. He is left struggling to get to know this new person while simultaneously mourning the loss of the woman he thought he knew so well. And, here I am, almost two years into our relationship, doing the exact same thing. Of course, I didn’t really want to tell him about my little secret – I just simply couldn’t hide it well enough anymore.

Todd expected, from his own experiences and conditioning, that given enough time with me playing my charade, I would end up resenting him. I hate to admit it, but this is 100% true. It happened in every one of my long-term relationships. I ended up comparing my compromise –my sacrifice- to what they gave to me. They always came up very far short. A secret is a huge weight to bear. Add that burden to the pressure and anxiety of trying to work up the motivation and energy (or an excuse) for the possibility of sex every night we went to bed together, and it would be very difficult for a man to give to me in equal measure . . . especially considering that I always found it very difficult if not impossible to ASK for what I wanted from him, in bed or out. And, in all my years, I have never dated a man who could read my mind. So, I reacted automatically to Todd’s upset at learning my secret with defensiveness, anger, and, yes, resentment. Only later could I comprehend how much I had hurt him.

My rationale, however faulty, for not being honest was simple: what good could possibly come of it? I had no idea how to solve my sex drive problem. What could HE possible do to solve it? Perhaps he would try harder: that would only add to the pressure, now weighing on us both. Perhaps he would feel responsible and embarrassed; that’s the last thing I wanted. No, it always seemed a much better idea to just keep it myself. That would at least eliminate some of the pressure: the pressure of having to try to explain, to constantly reassure, to perform.

My sex issues are the number 1 reason why I’ve always figured I would end up alone, no matter how much I love my boyfriend or how much I love having a partner to share life with. I guess I always knew deep down that this is too big a secret. It is too much pressure; too big a burden. It breeds too much resentment. It would be so much easier to just be alone.

This is why I am so incredibly thankful that it all blew up with Todd last week.

We had a really tough and scary couple of days. But, since then, I have felt incredibly free and light and hopeful. My vision of my life has changed dramatically with just a little honest communication, albeit with me feeling scared to death . . . We are both committed to figuring this out together. I stopped my anti-anxiety meds on Saturday. For good. No more. I'm not hiding behind them anymore. I plan to discuss my sex drive with my doctor the next time I go in. And, Todd and I are going to spend a lot of time and energy exploring, communicating, and trying new things - even if I continue to feel awkward and scared.

I want to have physical desire for sex. I want to feel that rush of excitement while looking forward to a romantic evening with the man I love. I want it. I deserve it. I’m going to work to achieve it. No more hiding behind my faulty beliefs, my shame, my anxiety, my secrets, my judgments that I’m doomed to be this way forever.

And, strangely enough, I’m feeling significantly friskier already. I guess that’s the power of letting go of a burdensome secret and being honest, even if you're scared to death.

Think about it.

The truth shall set you free

As I just barely mentioned in the second to last paragraph in this post, my relationship with Todd has not been perfect, not that a wonderful, happy relationship has to be perfect or will, in fact, ever be. But, there was one problem that, we now realize, probably would have ruined us forever. Maybe not this week, but surely somewhere down the line.

The problem was that I wasn’t honest with him about something. I am spilling my guts here to you (even though it’s still embarrassing to me) because I believe this is very important for all of you, too. I have been committed since day 1 of this blog to be completely honest with you, so here it all is . . . even though it took a crisis and over 2 years to get here.

The reasons I wasn’t honest with Todd, why I felt I couldn’t be honest, are exactly what I write about all the time. The bottom line is this:

1)       I had irrational beliefs based on past conditioning. And, I felt the risks were just too big to push beyond those fears to actually test them.  I tell you all the time that you have to take risks to prove to yourself that most of your fears are irrational so you can push through them and defeat them forever, especially now that you’re an adult and probably dealing with people who aren’t the ones who conditioned you to develop these irrational beliefs in the first place.

2)       Perhaps because I didn’t work on these specific issues with my coach during recovery, I wasn’t entirely consciously aware that my choices in this area were being controlled by these irrational beliefs. I knew I wasn’t being honest, but I couldn’t identify that my rationale for being dishonest was irrational and so needed to be focused on in a conscious, active way.

The second point above is why I think this discussion, in this post and the short series to follow, may be one of the most important so far in this blog. The topic is hugely relevant to every one of you as it is to me. But, it’s just not often explored publicly, even with my every expensive coach who knew I was completely messed up about most things in life, and I was dependent on him to teach me everything from scratch. Even I haven’t felt comfortable “going there” in my blog, although I talk about just about everything else.

So, what was the thing that probably would have broken Todd and me up someday? What was the last issue (hopefully!) that I have continued to harbor dangerous, controlling, irrational beliefs about that unconsciously threatened the life I want for myself, even as I work so hard consciously to create it?

SEX

So, there it is. We have to talk about it. And, we’re going to use me as the prime example of why we have to talk about it.

Sex is a very important and integral component of adulthood. Most people want to someday get married and have kids. But, NO ONE can get around dealing with sex – in relationships or even alone with ourselves. We have biological urges for intimacy, for the physical expression of love for others, and, let’s be totally truthful, for simply “getting off.” We can’t help it. We’re biologically built with these urges (some people more than others, of course) just to keep the species alive, if nothing else.

So, consciously dealing with sex and our feelings and beliefs about it is really just as important as consciously dealing with food and our feelings and beliefs about that. If you can’t deal well emotionally and communicate openly about sex, you’re going to eventually have problems. Perhaps you’ll avoid relationships, perhaps you’ll take out your anxiety and frustration about it using food, perhaps you’ll use a different coping/avoiding mechanism like fighting or creating drama. I’ve used all of these in my adult life. And, I always end up wrecking relationships, as well as my physical health, happiness, and sanity.

But, the time came for me (not willingly or courageously, that’s for sure) to ‘fess up to Todd. Get comfy with this topic, I’ll be sharing more tomorrow.

Today is my year & a half anniversary with Todd!

OK, maybe we're just looking for something to celebrate, but I'm ok with that! We're celebrating today just like it was any other anniversary. We're going out tonight to a really nice restaurant, Grace. Tomorrow, we're celebrating Valentine's Day, too. We'll be cooking at home for that one, though. It's so hard to go out to dinner on Valentine's Day cuz EVERYONE is going out and cuz all the good restaurants serve only an expensive "fixed price" menu.

It's kinda funny (?) that our anniversary is also the day I begin weaning myself off my anti-anxiety meds, Citalopram/Celexa, that I've relied on and trusted for about 5 years now. The new lower dose pills came in the mail yesterday. This time, I really know I'm ready. How do I know? Cuz I've accepted that I won't be perfect, I will be challenged, and I know now that Todd won't leave me and people won't be horrified and abandon me because I'm not perfectly calm and patient and wonderful all the time. As, Laurel Mellin always says, “You don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!”

Hell, I haven't been "perfect" while ON the pills! I've still gotten down. I still took time off from my blog in December and January while I was pouty about my sister. I still occasionally interpret my commute as a race and competition that seems to communicate with others my value as a human being (crazy, huh?!). I still had a little girly freak-out on Super Bowl Sunday cuz I wasn't happy with my outfit and my hair and had both Todd & my other roommate, Michelle, running around trying to calm me down and find me a suitable outfit! It’s OK. We all laughed later, and the world didn’t end cuz we were late to the party. I’m only human.

Because it makes me feel good about myself and just generally happy, I will continue to work on getting better at my patience, calmness, compassionate interpretation of everyone around me, allowance of others (and myself) to be themselves, my gratitude, my optimism, my appreciation of all the beauty in the world. My goal for myself is total enlightenment – think Gandhi or Mother Teresa. Yes, that’s a stretch for a mere mortal with a (very) late start, but I really like having them as role models. And, I enjoy having a goal and something really good and positive to reach for.

I’ll keep you all posted. Happy early Valentine’s Day everyone. Give yourself a kiss, a big bear hug, and some extra love tomorrow, ok?

Aww, thanks, you guys!

Thanks for the supportive comments and emails, everyone!

Djuro sent this along, and she succeeded in getting a good, hearty chuckle out of me. Check it out if you would like to smile today: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sjCpT8NbmME

Free Hugs at Transcend Bulimia!

Everyone who reads this, please do yourself a favor and go straight over to Heather's blog at Transcend Bulimia and watch the video clip she links to. It's so beautiful and inspiring, and yet it makes me a little sad. However it makes you feel, it's powerful. And, I LOVE the message!

A simple little joke just totally perked me up

I've had a challenging couple of days cuz I had to get a new computer at work (lease expired), and I've had all sorts of trouble with my systems and things. Then, for some reason, it seems like people are being really jerky in the office. And, my phone has been ringing off the hook.

But, I got a call just now from someone needing help. I walked her through what she needs to do, only paying half-attention to her, to be honest, and then she made a totally unexpected, very clever and subtle little joke at the end of our call. It caught me so off-guard, then I doubled over in laughter. She completely made my day and refilled me with love and kindness for my colleagues.

My lesson: give out all the little gifts you have to share whenever you can. Your gift can be your humor, a smile, a kind word. It might really make a difference for someone. And, it increases the chances that when you really need it, someone might just have the perfect little gift for you.

Thanks, everyone, for your comments and emails about the "cycle" I did the other night. This just shows you, ask for what you want - you may just get it (and, boy did I ever!). I'm going to get back to everyone this weekend. My baby is coming home today! So, tonight, we're spending time together, but I have lots more I want to write this weekend.

Happy Friday, everyone! Lots of love and optimism to you all.

My newly uncovered emotional garbage

So, what is my emotional garbage I just accidentally dug up after being “recovered” for a year and a half? Strangely, it’s one of my top 3 Core Values: independence.

It doesn’t sound so harmful. In fact, I think most people would agree with me that it’s a strength. And, that’s how I have justified it all my life. I’ve been proud of my independence; I’ve yearned for more independence. I always believed I was stronger when independent.

But, yet, in my case, it’s not a strength – it’s garbage. It’s a remnant of my past – my fearful, chaotic childhood when people I depended on continued to persistently let me down and/or leave me. It’s not reflective of the life I have now or the life I dream of. In fact, it’s a contradiction, an emotional, internal tug-of-war that I’ve avoided facing all my adult life. It’s my head saying, “don’t need anyone; don’t depend on anyone; they’ll only let you down and abandon you; it’s safer being alone – you’ll never let yourself down” versus my heart saying, “I don’t want to be alone! I want love in my life! I want to have at least one person I can totally depend on! I want to be the kind of person someone else can totally depend on! I want to share this world and all its joy and ups and downs. I want the laughter and adventure and sense of belonging that two create so spontaneously!”

Sounds like the kind of internal struggle that could drive anyone to seek out something to numb them and quiet the chaos, huh? It also sounds like the kind of struggle that has no clear answer: to risk depending on someone is to risk being devastated when they leave. But, to always fear and avoid that kind of connection with people leaves life so much less meaningful. And, it leaves us alone – safe, sure, but truly alive? I’m not so sure.

I’ve always been very aware of the reasons why I so highly value independence for myself. For some reason, I seemed to have a LOT of people I loved leave me early in life.

*First my dad, of course. He left my family when I was 4, and he re-married when I was 7. He moved from NY to NC when I was 9, and after that I only saw him about a month in the summer and a week at Christmas time.

*Then, my first best friend moved when I was in first grade. I’ll always remember her name: Leigh Nedwood. Then, my second best friend, Akiyo Mimoto, moved later that year. My third best friend, Jennifer Lee, moved when I was in second grade. My fourth best friend, Debra Ominsky, moved somewhere right around then, too!

Even my mom was concerned about everyone leaving and how I would deal with it. I became kind of a tom-boy after that, not getting as close with friends.

I had the usual pre-teen and teenage drama with fighting and shifting loyalties that I don’t feel like getting into right now. I'm sure that didn’t help. I actually am still relatively close with the 3 women who showed me the most loyalty in high school. But, of course, they don’t even know I was bulimic for 14 years! I’ve never let myself trust them enough to divulge such deep stuff. Now I know my fearful head is just afraid to rock the boat of our “relationships,” however meaningful they are, even after 20 years of friendship.

Then, of course, my mom up and died 2 months after I graduated college. That’s pretty classic psycho-babble abandonment. My grandfather (as grandparents will do) died a few years after that. And, a few years after that, my sister/best friend/confidante/only person who ever totally accepted me with all my warts and craziness and meanness and all decided to just fuck it all and kill herself.

It seems so much more obvious to me now that somehow I feel I should have seen it for what it really is . . . but it was so deeply entrenched in me as a coping mechanism, a way to protect myself from getting hurt and abandoned, that I needed this process in The Pathway to illuminate it for me. Sure, I was consciously aware of WHY I was always seeking total independence, but I never thought (never dared??) to question whether or not it was REALLY what I wanted for myself under all the old fear that made it seem so desirable to me. My old, ancient hurts have caused me to live in a subconscious but paralyzing fear of being abandoned again. I’m keeping that fear alive and strong by insisting that I be independent all the time.

When I tested out The Pathway, I chose to focus on “being alone” since I was disappointed in how I was dealing with Todd being gone and my being home alone. I had had such big goals for this time: I wanted to get a good chunk of my new writing project done; I wanted to read new books in peace & quiet; I wanted to focus only on nurturing myself; and, I wanted to prove to myself once and for all that I had conquered my fear of solitude and taking good care of myself, by myself. And, yet, after the second week, I was barely getting any work done at all. And, I wasn't enjoying being alone all the time like I expected and very much wanted.

I didn’t realize at the time that the concept of “being alone” held SO much more profound effect on me than I thought and was inextricably tied to one of my top Core Values! I didn’t realize it was a coping mechanism, a survival mechanism, for me.

I have more work to do to root out this ugly chunk of emotional garbage. But, one thing I know for sure: I don’t want to be held prisoner by it anymore. I want to be free of this ancient fear! NO MORE! I commit to being hyper-aware of how my fear of abandonment is inhibiting closeness in my relationships. I commit to fighting it by honoring my heart, which is screaming out, “I want the depth of connection in my relationships where I can take risks to fully open my heart to trust, depend, be dependable, and to even risk losing my relationships – knowing that only with this kind of connection am I truly alive and loving!”

Independence is NO LONGER in my top 3 Core Values!! I am officially replacing it with CONNECTION: to people, to events, even to loss and sadness. I want to feel it all!

I’m just realizing . . . I may have to rethink my stance on non-attachment, but that’s a post for another time. Baby-steps, right? ;-)

Smile - Author Unknown

A Smile costs nothing, but gives much

It enriches those who receive, without making poorer those who give

It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever

None is so rich or mighty that he can get along without it,

and none is so poor, but that he can be made rich by it

A Smile creates happiness in the home, fosters good will in business,

and is the countersign of friendship

It brings rest to the weary, cheer to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad,

and it is nature's best antidote for trouble.

Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen,

for it is something that is of no value to anyone, until it is given away

Some people are too tired to give you a smile;

Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.

Honesty is my newest top Core Value!

Wow, the time this summer is just flying by. I have a list of things I want to talk about, so I'll just get started.

1) Sunday was my one year anniversary with Todd! We had a wonderful meal at Nobu in Malibu on Sunday night. I got him some nice pottery planters (eventually we’ll pick out some actual plants!) for landscaping in his back “yard.” His backyard is basically a huge concrete slab and a pool. The slab is bordered by a wall, and on the other side is a steep hill covered in ivy that only the dogs use. We’re beginning to talk about some options to perk it up a bit. We both love low-maintenance (think desert plants), but we would like it to be a little bit more interesting. I’ll keep you posted on this project!

His main gift to me was a beautiful necklace with a diamond-studded “T.” I was absolutely floored by this. I’ve never had a boyfriend so proud to be with me that he wanted me to wear his initial for all the world to see all the time. It makes me feel really special and important to him. And, no matter what I’m doing or where I am, now I always feel like he’s here with me. I’ll never be alone when I wear it. And, I’m so proud to wear it. It's like he's saying to me that he wants to be with me always, even though he can't. Thank you, Baby! I adore it! He also made me a little bead bracelet from his niece & nephews’ bead kit that I can wear all the time (so cute!). AND, he made me a custom, Todd-designed pair of Nike sneakers!! They haven’t come in yet, but I know they’ve got pink (my favorite color!) in them. He’s got such great taste with fashion and color that I know I’m going to love them. And, they’ll definitely be unique! I’ll get photos of all my gifts posted soon!

2) You may all be sick of hearing about it, but I’ve got some things to say about Mel Gibson’s drunken relapse. In many ways, he’s just like you and me. He runs to his addiction to calm and numb him. No matter what amazing things he accomplishes in Hollywood, no matter how much money he makes or how many people adore him, he’s got some very big internal pain that is still making him miserable inside. He deserves some compassion for that. But, he also needs to do the heavy work that I did to recover – the heavy work that you still have to do, too. The man’s got kids. If for no other reason, he needs to commit to learning and living the skills I learned so that his kids won’t go out into the world without a clue – just like you and me and himself.

3) I had a VERY interesting chat on Saturday with one of Todd’s good friends. Although it’s really hard for me to envision it, he’s an ex-heroin addict. Now he doesn’t even drink, although he’s a musician, so he’s in bars a lot. We were alone for awhile, and since I had a few drinks in me to give me the courage, I just blurted out that I was a recovered addict, too, and I would like to talk with him about it. He was super sweet and really open and honest with me. He validated for me many of the things that I suspected about other addicts: they’re just like us. They just have a different “drug” of choice. He told me that he turned to heroin in times of stress and uncertainty, when he had to make big decisions. He also lacked self-trust and self-awareness, so his head would get all chaotic and confused and just plain loud with conflicting advice and directions. He had to numb himself just so he wouldn’t go insane with the noise – just so he could function. We talked for quite some time, and I wish I could remember more of the details, but unfortunately, I was a wee bit drunk. That’s kinda funny in a sick way, huh?

4) Yvonne had told me about a book called, The Pathway by Laurel Mellin. Yvonne wrote, “She believes that "ALL" addictions can be "cured" by leaning better coping mechanisms and changing the way you think.” Of course, that got my interest since it sounded very much like my experience with my coach. I’ve only read 60 pages so far, it appears her philosophy is identical to my coach’s. Here are a good couple of quotes about how her approach works. The “feeling brain” she writes about is basically the heart I talk about.

“Your feeling brain does not learn by having an epiphany, gaining insight, or figuring it out. It learns by repeated experience. The more you use the skills, the more dominant the neural networks that favor balance become.” In other words, the good habits you learn and then commit to using over and over again soon become habit. She also writes:

“Changes often appear unconscious –Changes don’t appear to come primarily from willpower or intention, but from an unconscious change that decreases the drive to excess.”

This is exactly what happened with me – the interest in binging and purging just slowly faded away, without my focusing on it at all. After the initial intense learning sessions with my coach, I just focused on staying hyper aware of my thoughts and feelings and doing the daily exercises my coach expected me to turn in to him every week. I began to feel good about myself and trust myself INSPITE of the bulimia, and the desire for it faded away. I very highly recommend you all go out and get this from the library or buy it. Today! Thank you, Yvonne!!

5) This one is a little harder to admit to you all, but it's the most important. I knew I’ve been feeling a bit “off” in the last few weeks, since Todd went up to Malibu. It took me awhile to actually force myself (yes, I had to force myself) to sit down and use my own new skills to figure it out and make a change. Even now after recovery and, I expect, for the rest of my life, I am and will be faced with experiences that challenge me. There will be change. There will be new self-truths as I grow and change and, let’s face it, age. So, after I finally had my little sit-down commune with my heart, I realized that I haven’t been honest with Todd. There is something that hasn’t been quite right, but I have just ignored it, pushed it back to my unconscious, figuring that it’s my responsibility, not his. Plus, it’s very uncomfortable to talk about some things, even with the people you most love and trust. But, that’s not fair to him. And, it’s not conducive to having the kind of relationship we both want – total awareness of each other’s needs and wants. We may not be able to meet each other’s needs and wants all the time – or even very often. But, at least if we know, we can choose to try. Plus, I would just feel better if I wasn't keeping any secrets from Todd. Keeping secrets from him is really just lying to him.

I found that my secret made it a LOT harder for me to sit down and write in my blog. My creativity and even my love for sharing with you was completely blocked by my unconscious awareness that I wasn’t living according to my Core Values. I wasn’t being honest with him or, for that matter, with myself. My fearful head was shielding my heart from potentially doing something “stupid” and getting hurt. And, so my heart was blocked from helping me to make the right choices that make me feel good about me.

So, I decided late last night that tomorrow when I go up to Malibu, I’m going to open up with him. My head is still screaming, “don’t do it! It’s stupid to make yourself so vulnerable! He’s just going to get hurt and mad and frustrated and disappointed with you anyway! He’ll begin to think this relationship isn’t what it seemed like, that it’s becoming too much work, that there are too many strings attached. He'll think you're just like his ex-girlfriend. He’ll start to look around for something better suited to his lifestyle and how he envisions a happy life for himself. You’re not worth the effort and consideration you’re asking from him. He’ll leave you. Worse than that, he’ll be annoyed with you! Don’t do it!!”

It feels like a risk, but it’s a risk with so much potential upside that I HAVE to push through my fear and screaming head. I HAVE to if I want to function well. I HAVE to if I want to continue to feel so great about me and about my relationship. I HAVE to if I really trust and love and respect Todd. I HAVE to if I really believe I can have that healthy, supportive, and strong relationship I envision and so want for myself.

Ok, so mind (and heart!) made up, now I just hope I can get to him before he reads this blog entry!! He’s only got dial-up in Malibu, so I’ve got a shot. Keep your fingers crossed!

I’ve actually got more to say about what's been going on in my world – see how the dam just burst open once I got myself back inline with my Core Values??! My creativity and energy is back with a vengeance. I even had a great call tonight with my jeweler who is going to make up a nice new design for our recovery bracelets. I want to also write about and to Bobby and April and Mary Pat. You guys know who you are. I'll get to you, I promise! All this just from a little, hour or so long sit-down with my heart and my truth.

What have I learned from this experience?

·          I’ve learned that the next time I lose ambition or energy to write, there’s something blocking my heart. And, I need to have a little sit-down commune with it to learn what it needs.

·          I’ve learned that I have to be hyper-vigilant about telling my truth and not hiding it out of fear. I have to take risks to be honest. Honesty has just become one of my top Core Values along with Compassion, Peace, and Independence. I learned the hard way, but I learned!

I love Toastmasters International

I am on such a high right now. I would like to strongly recommend that all of you go out and find yourself a Toastmasters International club to join right now. I’ve referenced Toastmasters in previous posts, but I am so in love with my club right now that I have to write about it!

I have actually been an officer in my club since July 1, and in this short amount of time, I’ve dedicated a crazy amount of time and effort to it. That’s one reason I’ve not been posting here much. Today, we had our first membership drive, and it was a huge success! Since I am the VP of Membership, I planned the whole thing. I’ve been working on it since June! This is actually the first “event” I’ve ever planned. I never could have done it before recovery: I would have been too unsure, too self-doubtful, to make any kind of decision; too fearful of regret at making an utter mess of things; too fearful of letting everyone down. I would have had to binge & purge my way through it all. Then, when it was over, I would have focused only on my mistakes and beaten myself up about it for weeks . . . providing fodder for more binging & purging.

But, now, I am so proud of myself! I kept to my heart and Core Values and kept the self-judgment and criticism silent. And, my reward: I’m on top of the world.

I took responsibility and worked hard, but my fellow club members also felt my enthusiasm and excitement, and they worked hard, too! I felt like a real “leader” cuz they would often ask me my opinion. Even though I was busy (OK, frantic), I consulted my heart, made my decision, looked them in the eye and told them. And, sometimes, they saw what needed to be done, and they just went ahead and got it done.

What I wanted to discuss with you, really, was what we all learn in Toastmasters and how you could benefit from it as well. We learn to push ourselves through our fear (what’s more scary than public speaking?!), we learn to give and take compassionate constructive criticism (because we all want to learn and get better), and we learn to identify our own mistakes and remember them only long enough to correct them in our next speech.

I played the role of General Evaluator at our meeting today, and, as the job calls for, I stood up there in front of 60 people at the end of the meeting, and I gave constructive criticism to us as a whole. It was my job, so I had to point out all my mistakes, like not having a greeter at the door to tell our guests what to do, like not making it obvious that the pizza and sodas were in the adjoining kitchen, and some other things. And, I vowed to learn and be better next time.

And, that’s it! There is no second guessing about how well I did today. There is no self-criticism, no post-event self-judgment, no self-abuse for making mistakes.

We all make mistakes. In Toastmasters, we learn to identify them in front of a supportive group, be ok with them, learn from them, and then put them behind us.

The best thing we learn in TM? How amazing we all are: we are all so unique and have such wonderful experiences and knowledge to share. We can see ourselves getting better and better, more and more self-confident up there in front of everyone, and more and more compassionate and loving toward the newer members who are struggling just like we all did when we began in the club. We hold each other up, we honor each other. And, we’re all so damn proud of each other – and ourselves.

I mean it – find a club and attend as a guest (membership is NOT required to attend meetings). Experience it for yourself.

Good quote on love

I take this from Denis Waitley's 10 Seeds of Greatness. I love this!

"L - is for Listen. To love someone is to listen unconditionally to his values and needs without prejudice.

O - is for Overlook. To love someone is to overlook the flaws and the faults in favor of looking for the good.

V - is for Voice. To love someone is to voice your approval of him on a regular basis. There is no substitute for honest encouragement, positive "strokes" and praise.

E - is for Effort. To love someone is to make a contant effort to spend the time, to make the sacrifice, to go the extra mile to show your interest.

"In an earlier chapter on self-esteem, we talked about the need to love yourself before you can give that love away. Loving requires independence and is based upon the ability to share ourselves with others out of choice, not out of dependent need. True love is that relationship formed by two individuals who have the ability of separately sustaining themselves. Only independent people are free to choose to stay in a relationship. People who are dependent remain in a relationship out of necessity."

I went a lil' crazy on one of Todd's Bday gifts

Maybe the new dutch oven is just a bit too big for the two of us . . .

 

Good quote on love and acceptance

I love this quote (and I love Dyer):

"Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you."
- Wayne Dyer

So often we allow ourselves to get frustrated, angry, or resentful with the people we love simply because they are not meeting our expectations and beliefs about how they should behave. But, we don't NEED people to satisfy us or meet our needs or expectations. We take care of ourselves. The best and easiest and most satisfying love is when we choose to simply allow people to be who they want to be, and we accept them completely for what they are.

Hope and Love for Mary in UK

Mary just bought my eBook and wrote me this note:

thanks michelle. i b/p every day, and i am dying. i am hoping you'll help save my life.   mary in uk. xxxx

This is just breaking my heart!

Can any other readers out there write some comments to support and encourage her?

Love, Michelle

New photo albums!

I just put up 3 new photo albums:

7. Winter Holidays 2005, 8. Tim's B-day Party and 9. Valentine's Day 2005

The last one just shows a bunch of drunk people with purple teeth getting silly in Santa Barbara wine country (Solvang, Santa Ynez, Los Olivos). But, it's fun.

We're going to Hawaii!

I've never been to Hawaii or anywhere remotely as exotic. But, I'm going! Todd has an uncle who lives on Oahu in a little town called Lanikai, and he's invited us to come visit. Here is a photo of the beach at Lanikai. Nice, huh? We bought the tickets yesterday, so it's official!

I'm so excited about the trip. We're going in late April when the weather should be just about perfect!

I'm going to try my hand at surfing while we're there! Hopefully I won't get too beat up. But, I'm looking forward to having Todd teach me. Surfing is one of Todd's (many!) favorite things, so I'm going to give it a good shot.

We've got other trips planned for this year, too. This weekend we're going up to Santa Barbara wine country to celebrate Valentine's Day. My best friend, Jen, and her fiance are coming with us for one night, too. Then, in June, Todd and I are going to Jen & Matt's wedding on Martha's Vineyard, MA. I'm a bridesmaid! I haven't been in a wedding since I was about 13, and that was my step-sister's. I'm so excited for that trip. The wedding is going to be at the Edgartown Yacht Club, which overlooks what is definitely one of my favorite harbors in the whole Boston area. We're going to make a trip to my absolute favorite, Marblehead Harbor, in the days after the wedding.

I don't know if I ever told you all how I used to be a big sailor when I lived in Boston before coming out to LA. I used to race and travel and camp all around Mass Bay, the Cape and even down to Rhode Ilsand on our racing team boat. It was a huge part of my life and my dreams at the time. Marblehead was always the most lively and fun harbor to stay in.

Anyway, one of my old grad school buddies has invited us to stay with her for a few days after the wedding. We're definitely taking her up on that. Todd used to live in the Boston area (Nahant, to be exact) when he was just a kid. But, he hasn't been back as an adult. And, he's never been on Martha's Vineyard! I can't wait to show him around!

Oh yeah, AND we're going to Park City, UT, at the beginning of April when his parents get a condo for the whole family. I haven't been skiing since I was 22 years old!! But, I'm excited to get back out there. Hopefully it's really like riding a bike, and it'll all come right back to me.

So, that's probably it for the year! I'll be out of vacation time by mid-June! But, these trips will all be worth it.

Lonely?

I can't say whether or not this is a scientifically significant study, but I think it's cute and backs up my argument to spend time with animals to help you through rough times . . .

Lonely? Try Dogs, Not People

Black-tie affair!

Oh, what a wonderful weekend I had with Todd and his entire (!) family down in his home-town of La Jolla, CA.

Todd’s father and brother were both being honored by San Diego magazine for being “Best Doctors,” or doctors that their peers would recommend to their own patients. So, the family got a whole table and everyone was invited . . .  including me! You can see a few photos right here.

I was more than a bit nervous. I had already met both Todd’s siblings and his sister-in-law. But, at that point, I was just a random, temporary housemate passing through. Now, things were completely different. Plus, I had seen many photos of the family with Todd’s ex-girlfriend, and they always all looked like they were having such fun. And, suddenly there’s this new chick coming down to spend the whole weekend at Todd’s family’s home!

Luckily, my worries (as they usually are) proved to be only in my mind. Todd’s entire family couldn’t have been more welcoming, more warm, more open or generous. There were tons of kids and babies (Todd has 4 nephews and 1 niece) and dogs (we brought our 3), so it was chaotic, but it was lots of fun.

The event on Saturday night was quite an affair. It was black-tie with black-jack tables, free drinks, great food and appetizers, and an awesome big-band band. Luckily, Todd and I had practiced our swing dancing Thursday night at home! His family just loves to dance! There was hardly a song played when there wasn’t someone from our table up there on the dance floor.

Todd, too, is a great dancer. Last Thursday, he put on some music and we danced up a storm under the moonlight on our back deck. The dogs got all confused watching Todd throwing me around like he was! I had to sit down a couple times cuz I got so dizzy from getting swung around so much. But, I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.

I would love to become as good a dancing pair as Todd’s parents and his brother and sister-in-law are. You can bet we’ll be out there under the stars much more . . .

On Pets & Joy

Can I tell you just how much joy my dogs give me?

My boyfriend & I have 3 dogs between us. You can see pics of us with them when we were in Malibu. I love having dogs all over the house. There is never a shortage of love, laughs, or playtime. We all sleep in the same room, and my little one is usually snuggling in bed with Todd & me! Buddy makes sure to get us up at about 8:00 am with nuzzles and kisses, so I haven't needed an alarm clock since I began dating Todd. It's a wonderful, happy way to wake up each morning.

Last week, our new 3^rd roommate moved in, and he has a dog as well. So, we’ve got quite a household!

The new dog, Marley, is just a doll. Todd’s dog, Buddy, has always been my favorite (don’t tell my little one, Maxi). But, I have to say, Marley is fast closing in on taking that title! I just adore her!

This morning when I was heading out to work, I noticed Marley (the little escape artist) had squished herself under the gate and was standing in the driveway just looking at me. Of course, I rushed over to give her a hug then went to open the front door to let her back inside. But, I turned around, and she was nowhere to be found. Oh crap. She’s only been in our home since last Thursday or so.

I called to Todd who came outside to help me find her. It was a mystery. Then, I noticed a furry dark thing in the back seat of my car. It was Marley, sitting contentedly watching us running around looking for her! She had been there the whole time, hoping for a ride. My heart just melted. Todd opened the door to get her out so I could go to work, but then his dog, Ysabel, jumped in, followed immediately by my little one! My heart started doing jumping jacks inside my chest. It was just the sweetest, funniest thing!

Todd declared that today must be “Take your pack of dogs to work day.”

Oh, if only that were so.

Even now as I write this, my heart is again doing jumping jacks, and my eyes are teary with joy. I am so thankful for this moment this morning. I will keep it close in my mind today for anytime work gets stressful or frustrating or just plain old boring.

On Love & Dysfunction

I belong to Toastmasters International, which is a bunch of people who meet once a week in small groups to work on their public speaking skills – to go on to become professionals or just to become more comfortable speaking in groups. I did my last speech on love, and I decided to post it here. Keep in mind that I was limited to 5 to 7 minutes, so I had to keep it brief. But, I think I got the main points . . .

On Love & Dysfunction

I’d like to begin with a quote:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

This quote makes loves seem so simple, so pure. But, yet, if any of you have been in a relationship or two – you know it’s just not that simple. Most of us have known disappointment, resentment, and heartbreak. In fact, many of us go from relationship to relationship, often having the same bad experiences over and over. What we fail to see, however, is how our own bad habits in thought & perception continue to cause harm to our relationships & ourselves.

As some of you know, I recently began a new relationship with a man. This time, I intend to be vigilant about identifying and fighting my habitual relationship dysfunctions.

Today I will share with you three common relationship dysfunctions and how they make us and our relationships miserable. I’d like to inspire you today to think honestly about your own bad relationship habits and how you can begin to fight them, too.

1.                   The first common dysfunction is Ego.

Ego is so insidious in our relationships, it’s hard to recognize.

When we feel jealous, it’s ego. We think that we alone should fill all our partner’s wants & needs. He shouldn’t need his friends, particularly his girlfriends, anymore. He’s got me. We don’t want to accept that, yes, we mean a lot to our partner – but we don’t mean everything.

Also because of ego, we take everything personally – as a reflection of our partner’s feelings for us. We analyze everything they say & do –thinking that it always has something to do with us – what we’re doing or not doing; what we are and what we aren’t.

For example, my new boyfriend still gets calls from ex girlfriends. My ego at first would get hurt about this, and I got jealous. But, I don’t like feeling that way, so I decided to change my interpretation – now when he gets a call – I choose to feel proud of him. He has touched many people in his life before me, and they still think of him, respect him, and enjoy him. He doesn’t want to be with them, or he still would be.

You see, when I refuse to take his choices personally and modify my perception, I don’t end up jealous or hurt, I don’t feel disappointed.

2.                   Attachment is the second common dysfunction.

When we feel worried about our relationship, it is because we have become too attached – we begin to NEED our partner more than we love him.

Haven’t you noticed all the fears that appear out of nowhere as soon as we become intimately involved? We lose our sense of self –of self-worth and independence. We are so attached to this person or to just being in a relationship, we become very afraid of losing it.

This is increasingly a problem in today’s world. We’re all more alone than ever before – our families are smaller and spread out. The world is more uncertain, we’re less secure, and so we’re more fearful. We don’t want to lose any sense of connection – no matter what.

For example, in my last relationship, I got extremely attached. I looked at that man as perfect, the perfect man for the perfect life I had always envisioned. If I lost him, I thought I would certainly never find a better man. I began struggling to always please him/make him happy. I began to change to be how I thought he wanted me to be. I became dishonest/ deceptive to him & to myself.

In time, I not only broke down with exhaustion, but I also blew up with resentment.

3.                   The 3^rd dysfunction is perfectly epitomized by this movie quote you may know: “You complete me” (Jerry McGuire). We all thought “how romantic, sweet, I wish someone felt that way about me.” But, this is a lot of pressure on the chick, what’s her name. Because she now has to continue to fulfill that role for him –to fill an emptiness in him, to make him happy, to fulfill him.

What Jerry & unfortunately most of us fail to appreciate is that no one can “make” another person happy or fulfilled. We can certainly entertain each other for awhile, but that is fleeting and certainly doesn’t hold up when we find ourselves alone at night.

This happens when we idolize relationships, thinking that being in one will certainly bring us happiness, contentment, fulfillment. We don’t understand (or refuse to accept) is that we go from failed relationship to failed relationship because we’re always seeking in others what we can only find in ourselves. But, that is the one place we don’t dare go looking.

Example: this was a big problem for my ex. I can say this because at the end, he admitted to it. He didn’t have enough self-love or sense of self at all, so he became dependent on me to love & validate him. He became needy and demanding. If I failed to make him feel constantly loved and special, he felt uncared for, hurt and disappointed.

It’s so sad –unless he can learn to find his own love and value in himself, he’ll never be satisfied with what any woman can give him. Because it will never be near enough.

I’ve compiled a list of my principal goals for myself as I go forward in this new relationship:

1)       I strive to act and react to him with compassion- to appreciate and respect the path he has walked so far in his life. I do not need to be right or to make him wrong.

2)       I accept him completely and respect our differences. His choices are no reflection of me or who I am. I am not responsible for his choices, and I don’t judge myself or him for his choices.

3)       I strive to be quick with complete forgiveness – completely let go and forget the little mistakes and trespasses. Of course, as I practice not taking anything personally or having expectations, I find in fact that I actually have very little I need to forgive in others.

4)       I will love him fearlessly – to give my all without expectation of anything in return and without fear that my love won’t be returned. I give this way because I know now how joyous it feels to me.

5)       I will be open & vulnerable. If he is the partner I want, then he will be respectful and gentle with my vulnerability. And, hopefully, but not necessarily, he, too, will respond with new levels of trust and openness and vulnerability.

6)       I strive to love myself more each day, so that I have more love to give back to him and so that I don’t need him to love me, to make me complete, to make me happy.

7)       I strive to express gratitude & appreciation for his every kindness and thoughtfulness.

8)       I strive to enjoy and cherish every moment – for to have love in our lives is truly a blessing that we cannot take for granted. Even if it is not the kind of love that lasts forever, I will enjoy it thoroughly, to the end.

As you leave here today, please consider how you can make better choices to improve your own relationships. It’s not only good for your relationships, it’s good for your own spirit, which in turn is better for your relationships . . .

On Love

Today, I decided to add a new Category: On Love. It seems obvious. I have lots to say on love these days.

I’m ready to admit it, and I don’t care if my third roommate or anyone else reads it here: my new man is my roommate and landlord and the guy in all the photos in Malibu, Todd . . .

http://onbulimia.blogs.com/photos/malibu/

I just adore him, and I want to write about him and us and all the great stuff I’m learning and experiencing with him.

This morning while I was scrambling to get ready for work, he surprised me by packing up the most amazing lunch.

Todd and I have lived together as roommates and friends for a year and a half. He has gotten to know what I’m really like when left to my own devices . . .how I often don't shower or brush my hair during weekends when I’m focused on a project at home, how I still have a few old pairs of "grandma underwear" (he’s actually taken them out of the drier and folded them for me – you can’t imagine my horror!), how I wear the ugliest clothes to work as well as around the house, how my room is always messy, how I eat really weird things like bowls of frozen peas or handfuls of uncooked spaghetti! 

And, somehow, he still thinks I'm desirable and wonderful and, as he likes to say, “foxy.” It's pretty amazing to begin a relationship with absolutely nothing left to hide. He has known about my web site and blog for some time now, since I accidentally left them open on his computer one day. Ooops. I had tried to be so careful about that! Only once we began to get close did he tell me that he knew. He said he didn’t want me to have to worry about whether or not to tell him about my history, or how to tell him.

Looking back, I don't think any of my boyfriends ever got to even see the Michelle that Todd knows so well. And, because of that, I have never felt so ok in my own skin with another human being before - except, of course, with my mom and my sister.

Todd and I used to hike together with our dogs and talk openly about our relationships: what we liked in our partners and what we wished were different. I think even then we knew, perhaps unconsciously, how compatible we would be. Even then, we really "got" each other.

Perhaps, it’s a bit unfair that we had such a head start on our relationship. But, I don’t care. It’s wonderful, and I’m so very thankful.

Someone new . . .

There's a new man in my life. A new confidante and precious friend.

I never saw it coming, but now it seems so obvious. He knows me so well that it didn't seem possible he could actually be attracted to me, physically or otherwise. And, yet, he is. He has been.

I never tried to impress him. I never tried to look good. He rarely sees me in anything other than sweats and old t-shirts. No make-up; hair never brushed.

I never tried. I just was.

No secrets remain. He knows everything . . . everything. And, yet, somehow he wants to know more.

Quite accidentally, he took my fears, insecurities, self-doubt, shame . . . held them up to the light, took a good look, and then tossed them to the wind. I'm ok. I've always been ok.

Whatever happens, I will always cherish this gift. He has made me feel special, desireable, surprisingly capable. Respectable. Foxy.

For now, it's our little secret. Our little world. Just for two.

The Mastery of Love

I had wanted to spend today writing, but I can't drag myself away from my new book, The Mastery of Love, by Don Miguel Ruiz. This is the same author of The Four Agreements. You can tell I like this guy!

So, for the next couple of posts I'll be stealing bits and pieces of his work to share with you.

“You have to focus on the most wonderful relationship you can have: the relationship with yourself . . . You need to love yourself, and the love will grow more and more. Then, when you enter a relationship, you don’t go into it because you need to be loved. It becomes a choice. You can choose someone if you want to, and you can see who he really is. When you don’t need his love, you don’t have to lie to yourself.

            “You are complete. When love is coming out of you, you are not searching for love because you are afraid to be alone. When you have all that love for yourself, you can be alone and there’s no problem. You are happy to be alone, and to share is also fun.

            “. . . If I’m going to be criticized or judged, if I am going to feel bad, then no thank you. If I am going to suffer, maybe it’s better to be alone.

            “. . . if you go into a relationship with selfishness, expecting that your partner is going to make you happy, it will not happen. And it’s not that person’s fault; it’s your own.

            “ . . . refuse to walk around the world begging for love. In your heart is all the love you need. Your heart can create any amount of love, not just for yourself, but for the whole world. You can give your love with no conditions; you can be generous with your love . . . then all those starving people who believe the heart is closed will always want to be near you for your love.

            “What makes you happy is love coming out of you. And if you are generous with your love, everyone is going to love you. You are never going to be alone if you are generous. If you are selfish, you are always going to be alone, and there is no one to blame but you.

            “Selfishness comes from poverty in the heart, from the belief that love is not abundant.”

Inspirational reading

The teachings and guidance on self-empowerment and creating the life of your dreams that my coach used to help me recover from bulimia are not new. There are many writers and speakers who have dedicated their lives to spreading the word. I decided to expand my knowledge and understanding of it all by finding and reading as many good books as I can. I’m costing my library a fortune in tracking down and transporting all these books to my local branch! 

The author I’m most excited about right now is Wayne Dyer. In fact, I already ordered his 50-card deck of “Inner Peace Cards!”  I have a feeling Dr. Dyer can explain much better than I can why and how I recovered so quickly. I’ll share with you all the good stuff I find in his work.