Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Don't live in fear of relapse!

Let’s talk about that “r” word we all seem to live in utter fear of: relapse.

I desperately want to take away some of your fear and a few misconceptions about relapse. I’ve gotten a lot of emails about it, and many people find this site while they’re out searching the web for info on how to avoid or crawl out of a relapse. Instead of writing each of you back individually, let’s discuss it right here out in the open.

What is relapse??

Relapse simply means you have encountered a new situation that is scary or uncomfortable for you. It means that you are suddenly out of your comfort zone. Perhaps you’re faced with change, loss, stress or worry, or maybe you’re feeling some regret over bad decisions, as just a few examples. Remember how thrown I was when we lost our roommate’s beloved little dog. I was a mess of overwhelming pain and confusion. This is exactly the environment that makes turning to our old coping mechanism of food so appealing, even if only subconsciously.

Relapse happens when you find yourself unable to cope well with your new circumstances AND you do NOT take conscious, dedicated action to work through it in a rational, realistic, and optimistic way.

Humans will always find themselves thrown out of their comfort zones, many times when we least expect it or are prepared to deal with it. That’s life. For everyone – not just us. The difference is that your healthy coping skills are not the deepest rooted or most automatic. Remember, you became bulimic because your coping skills were missing or a bit messed up (ie. you tended toward irrational interpretations of situations and your ability to deal with them). Rather than building healthy coping mechanisms, you learned that bulimia was incredibly calming and soothing – numbing you enough to deal with tough times and tough decisions. Even after recovery our coping skills after are still relatively new and relatively UNTESTED. So, don’t become horrified or paralyzed if trauma or sudden change comes knocking and you end up with your head in the fridge.

But, you shouldn’t take this to mean your recovery is doomed and that you should just give up and go back to your old ways. Even if you do succumb to binging or full blown bulimic behavior at first, it doesn’t not mean your recovery is doomed. What it does mean is that you must respond in an active, conscious way. You have to dig out all your old tools and maybe reach out for new tools or other help. Perhaps you thought you had bulimia so far behind you that you don’t even remember what your tools were. That alone can throw you into a depression and compel you to turn to food that much quicker. Now, you have your trauma to deal with PLUS your old bulimia and depression around that.

But, it doesn’t have to be that way or stay that way for long!

Look at how I handled the loss of my beloved little friend over the period of a very tough week and a half:

Stage 1: I was thrown for a loop when I learned of Simba’s death. I cried for 48 hours straight. I overate. I turned to the TV for distraction. I felt distraught and angry at everyone for a week.

Stage 2: I went into serious denial about what was going on. I told myself it’s just the natural grieving process, and all the pain and confusion and anger would surely end on its own very soon. I told myself that my coping skills had grown strong enough since recovery that everything will be just fine if I just ignored it all. I tried to deny my emotions and go to work and be strong and just push through it.

Stage 3: I consciously accepted that I wasn’t dealing well with my loss. My misery and anger were not going to abate in a healthy way on their own. I consciously accepted that to get well, I had to take action, although I didn’t immediately know what action to take.

Stage 4: I finally made a commitment to dig out my old tools, even though I didn’t want to. I finally accepted that this was something I couldn’t handle on my own – that my coping skills weren’t strong enough on their own – that I needed help. I chose to use coping.org and Laurel Mellin’s cycles to work through this.

Stage 5: I set aside time and space and MADE MYSELF DO IT. Even though I really wanted to watch TV and continue to hide from it all.

Stage 6: I started the cycle without much emotion – I think I had pushed it down pretty far over the previous week and a half. But, I kept at it, and by the end, I had successfully worked through my pain and confusion and felt amazing.

Stage 7: I have felt wonderful and empowered and unstoppable ever since.

You can easily see from my experience how food would look incredibly appealing in stages 1) through 3). Hell, you may even go back to active bulimia every day for these periods when you go through these tough times. But, it does not mean your recovery is trashed. It means that you have to ACTIVELY TURN TO YOUR TOOLS FOR HELP IN COPING.

If you continue to deny your needs and what actions you need to take to help yourself, you will continue to be stuck in relapse until you finally take responsibility and take action.

Think about this though: if we never got thrown out of our comfort zone, how fun or interesting or even pleasant would that be?? Think about where you were 10, 5, or just 2 years ago. Would you really still want to be in those circumstances? Going to college was very scary, but do I wish I hadn’t gone and just stayed in my tiny little depressed upstate NY hometown? Hell no! Taking challenging new jobs is very scary and uncomfortable. Do I wish I had stayed in my former jobs doing the same old things for the same old low pay? No way! Quitting bulimia was uncomfortable, but would I still want to be there? Hell no!

Deepak Chopra is always tellin us to embrace uncertainty because that is how we grow and fully experience life and all it’s challenges and excitement and wonder. He calls it the Wisdom of Insecurity and the Wisdom of Uncertainty. You should definitely go back and read that old post.

And, please remember to be compassionate with yourself. You’re only struggling with relapse because you’re scared and uncomfortable. Acknowledge that and be tender with yourself about it.

This is the perfect place to plug Laurel Mellin’s stuff because her approach (her whole career) is based on the fact that people tend to have a hard time balancing nurturing (the urge to soothe ourselves to excess with food when we’re under stress) and limits (the discipline to remain rational and reasonable about our situations and what we need to do – even when we don’t want to or are afraid). And, while I recovered using various tools my coach taught me (you can find them scattered throughout the older posts in the **Exercises for Recovery** section), my favorite tool so far is the Laurel Mellin cycle. They bring me down into some fierce emotion and my deepest subconscious beliefs where I can look at them rationally and objectively. And, then they bring me right back up to feeling calm and peaceful, as well as optimistic, proud of myself, and excited about how I’m actively changing my mood and my future. They’re quick and very powerful.

My friend, e, is actually thinking about enrolling in some coaching with Laurel or someone trained in Laurel’s approach. E asked me my opinion, and while I hadn’t thought about it before, I now think it’s fabulous! I know this approach works (I’ve successfully used it on myself with no formal training), and it’s quite a bit cheaper than working with my coach and perhaps other coaches out there. I’m really proud of e for reaching out to see what types of non-traditional help are available, and I want to say, on the record, that I think Laurel’s approach should be on your radar, too, if you’re considering getting professional help. I’m in no way affiliated with Laurel, but I think I should make contact someday considering what a big fan I am.

Let’s recap on some scary but crappy beliefs about relapses:

MYTH #1: Relapse means you have to start from scratch in your recovery.

TRUTH: Relapse does NOT mean all the good work you’ve done is trashed!! It means you are faced with a new uncomfortable situation, and your subconscious mind is automatically seeking comfort via its old reliable standard: food and purging. You will need to dig out some tools to help you work up some courage and some different, more optimistic ways of interpreting your circumstances. Optimism will nurture your creativity which is your best solution to dealing with any new situation. This is a great reason for you to NOT count the days you remain “abstinent” from purging.

MYTH #2: Once you relapse, it’s a long fight back.

TRUTH: this myth is very dangerous because it can lead to feelings of depression and hopelessness. In reality, you could relapse only once and get right back on your feet. The “essential pain” (in Laurel Mellin-speak) is that you do need to take some kind of action to figure out why you are struggling emotionally and what you can DO to cope in an optimistic and courageous way with your situation.

MYTH #3: Relapse means you need to focus harder on your eating patterns.

TRUTH: Relapse is not about food unless you're restricting too much and your body is revolting. More often than not, relapse is about fear and upset. Focusing your attention and efforts on food is not going to solve the problem. You have to focus on the REAL problem: your emotions, your needs, and how to cope with your circumstances.

MYTH #4: A relapse can come out of nowhere.

TRUTH: Anytime you are faced with change, loss, heightened stress, or frightening emotions like regret, you need to be on the lookout for any urge to turn to food (good post from May 2006). You can learn to head off any sneaky cravings by proactively using your tools. Don’t assume you’ll be able to handle turbulent times without effort. You might be just fine. But, maybe you’ll need to be extra aware and conscious and bring out your tools. Even if you can slog through it, your tools can only make it easier. Use my experiences between July 27, 2007 and August 7, 2007 to remind you: I got cocky and I got knocked flat. It only took me a couple of hours of really working my favorite tool to end 11 days of pain and confusion and anger.

MYTH #5: You should live in mortal fear of relapse.

TRUTH: Relapse means things are changing or you have a challenge. Both change and challenge bring opportunities and potentially wonderful outcomes, even though it can feel horrible when you’re in the midst of them. Every time you successfully deal with change and upset, you get stronger and braver and your mind gets exercise in working through stress more automatically with optimism, creativity, and courage. Relapses are opportunities for great leaps in growth and for ridding yourself of heavy, old emotional garbage and deeply held irrational subconscious beliefs. Relapses can be very short lived depending on how quickly you choose to actively and consciously work your tools and/or reach out for help. Living in fear of relapse, like living in fear of ANYTHING, sucks all your energy and keeps you in a bubble. Stop fearing and start living!

What other powerful but not necessarily true beliefs do you have about relapse? How can I help you to face them and take away their power?

Great post on "stopping the cycle of relapse"

Great post by Heather over at Transcend Bulimia. She has become more & more aware of the tiny little, seemingly insignificant "symptoms" (discomforts) that creep in trying to tell her that things aren't right, that she's making bad decisions. You, too, can learn to become aware of your own symptoms, so you can stop the cycle LONG BEFORE it gets to the point where binging/purging seems like your only option, where the compulsion begins, where you simply can not take another step or make another decision until you binge and purge.

Heather shows well how you really can recover without any "white-knuckling" or straining or fighting. You take care of these small, very easily over-looked (or ignored) symptoms when they're small, and the bulimia stops even being appealing. The desire to turn to food slowly fades away.

Nurturing, Limits, and finding emotional trash

Hello my friends. Todd's 5 weeks away in Malibu is finally coming to a close. Next weekend, we'll only be there until mid-day Saturday. Then we head down to his parents' place in La Jolla to celebrate Labor Day with his family.

I have so many mixed feelings: I'm excited to be back with him and my babies (our 3 dogs) full-time, but I also really enjoy our time at the beach; I'm happy to get back to our little routine, but I know how much Todd and the babies love being up there.

As you might have guessed by my lack of posts, I’ve had some “stuff” going on. I had a tough learning experience a week ago that I’m finally ready to share with you. Thanks to a recommendation from Yvonne, I had begun reading The Pathway by Laurel Mellin. I really liked Laurel’s approach, and I kept testing it out on myself as I read. I am always looking for good stuff that may help you guys. Laurel’s approach is very simple. She says that we addicts are missing a good balance in the most basic skills of coping and dealing with life: Nurturing and Limits – really self-nurturing and self-limiting.

Good news: her approach is very powerful. And, I’m going to dedicate myself to learning it and eventually mastering it for myself and others – slowly this time!

Bad news: her approach is very powerful. And, without working through the full process with commitment, focus, and support if needed, it can knock you on your ass.

That’s what happened to me.

The problem came about when I dove into the nurturing part of her approach without fully understanding how nurturing and limits need to work together. I should have waited until I understood the full process before diving into it on my own. But, I was excited about it. So, after only reading about the nurturing part of the process, I closed the book and tried it on myself.

I learned what I believe I’ve always known on a less than fully conscious level – in many ways I’m very good at “nurturing” myself, but in many ways I set horrible limits for myself anymore. I put nurturing in quotes because I realized that I don’t always nurture myself in a healthy way. I’m much more likely to feel sorry for myself and indulge myself. Nurturing should be supportive, encouraging, patient, positive, and empowering – like how you would talk to a beloved child. It should NOT sound like this, “my God, what an awful life you’ve had. Of course you’re a mess! No one else could have handled it any better. Why don’t I get you a little bowl of ice cream to make yourself feel better?”

UGH! After going through a powerful nurturing cycle by itself without the follow-up limits cycle, I really hate to say it, but I ended up with my head in the refrigerator, crying and despairing about how awful the bulk of my life has been. I couldn’t have felt any sorrier for myself at all. Trust me, feeling sorry for yourself is extremely self-defeating and will just make you more miserable.

Luckily, I stopped the hard-core binging by the next day, but I also stopped moving forward. I couldn’t face reading that book anymore – even to learn the limits part of the process. And, I certainly couldn’t face what I had learned about myself – I had more emotional trash inside me that had eluded me and my coach! Instead of learning and working to get myself out of the rut I put myself in, I chose instead to numb myself like most non-addicted Americans do – I watched too much TV, I played on the computer, I took naps.

I had lost my optimism; I lost my excitement for my life. I kept thinking to myself, “I gotta get out that last bit of emotional trash and get back to my happy self!” But, I was afraid. I’m still afraid. But, I have to push through and finish reading and challenging myself. I may wait until Todd is home next week so I’ll have some support, and this will be the first time I ask him for support, so it’s even more scary! But, I have to push through.

You see, nurturing has to have limits – many times you have to say ‘no’ to a child, even when the child is upset and crying. You have to give a child boundaries and healthy expectations of behavior and decision-making. When a child falls down, you can choose to panic and get all upset (subsequently teaching the child to get all upset when things don’t go her way) or you can pick her up, dust her off, and send her on her way wiser, more experienced, and stronger in dealing with life’s occasional bumps and bruises. This is setting limits for her – not indulging her.

I’d like to talk more now about what my emotional trash is. This is where I begin to deal with it and heal and move on. But, this is post is plenty long enough already. Tune in tomorrow for more on my newly-unearthed emotional trash that I have to work through. Writing is so helpful in slowly facing fears and our feelings. Come along on the journey, won’t you?

Lessons most easily forgotten . . .

As I made mention of yesterday, I’ve been feeling my old symptoms of anxiety over the last couple of months or so:

*tightness in neck and back,

*shallow breathing,

*decreased patience and increased irritability with people, such as at work, while driving, or in crowded places like supermarkets,

*getting easily angered while driving (this is the one that bothers me most . . . unpredictable rage was always the thing that made me feel the worst about myself before I went through coaching).

It took me a while to even recognize the symptoms. I guess they began to reappear slowly, and I was too lazy or preoccupied to use the tools I learned in coaching to fight them off. Keeping our decisions in line with our hearts takes attention, time, dedication, and significant energy. As my life got busy, I made compromises that didn’t serve me well.

As time went by, my symptoms began to become persistent.

I actually shouldn’t say that they’re symptoms of stress. For me, they’re symptoms of relapse. No, I’m not relapsing to binging/purging. But, for me, the anger, impatience, and general inability to feel calm were almost always more painful to me than the bulimia. Overwhelming feelings of out of control anger and anxiety were almost always the triggers for me to binge and purge.

So . . . I’m happy I’ve finally paid attention to the signals my body has been sending - that my decisions are out of alignment with my heart and how I truly want to live. Like Nancy, I, too, need to recommit now to getting back to the basics of 1) listening to and honoring my heart, and 2) actively re-focusing on my self-talk and how I spend my time.

I am disappointed that I’ve strayed so far from all the tools I used to keep my heart and my decisions in line. But, I understand and accept how I came to drift . . . I got busy, and I made very short-sighted compromises. A couple months ago or so, my life got busy:

*my work load increased significantly, so I all I had time for during the work week was (gasp!) work.

*I was working out with Todd after work for about 40 minutes or so.

*By the time we finished dinner and cleaned up, it was late (often 10:00 pm or so), and I was too tired to focus on my writing or anything.

*We also did a lot of traveling, which is fun and exciting. BUT, being out of my normal element provides lots of opportunity for excuses as well as stress, unpredictability, and potentially some discomfort when operating in a different time zone and meshing with other people’s schedules and habits.

*I decided to put off writing my book, which by itself is fine, but then I no longer made time for writing, which of course keeps me focused on being healthy and my goals in life.

Then, I began making excuses:

“I don’t want to spend the 15 or 20 minutes per night working on my Success Journal right now – I’m tired and just want to watch a movie with Todd.”  - even though my Success Journal time was the most enlightening and calming and self-reaffirming (not to mention the most productive for working on my goals) time of the day. I give a lot of credit to my Success Journaling to my entire recovery.

“I can’t go hide for 15-20 minutes every evening when we’re with Todd’s family or on vacation! I’ll just have to skip it until I get back home to my normal routine.”

“We’re on vacation! I’m going to read a trashy beach novel for a change and just enjoy myself.”  - yet, everyone needs a little inspirational reading. As you may have noticed, my recommended reading list hasn’t changed in months! Inspirational reading keeps me focused on my health and my growth. I need to get back to it.

“I’m recovered! I don’t need to spend time reflecting or working on my journal every night anymore!”   -ugh! This excuse is very tempting, but I realize now it’s total crap! My journaling time was healthy and enjoyable and an important part of my day. Just because I’m “recovered” is no reason to compromise something that had become so meaningful to me.

“So, I’m a little irritable this morning. Everyone’s gets a little moody every once in a while.”   - but, yet getting impatient and angry at strangers actually hurts me a lot. I lose respect for myself, I’m embarrassed later, and I carry around the burden of my upset. Being crabby is sometimes hormonal, but I have the skills to work through it most of the time – I just have been choosing to not bother. It’s always worth the energy to keep living inline with my heart.

I guess the point of this long post is to show you how I can be an example that learning, growing, spending time in self-reflection and affirmation, and staying committed to exercising our new, optimistic, loving habits of thought and interpretation of the world around us are NOT just for recovery time. Like committing to regular exercise and brushing our teeth, these are critical activities that must become a regular part of our daily lives.

Just like Nancy, I’m going to recommit to actively living in the way I most respect: calmly, patiently, kindly, and focused on my growth and helping others who have suffered like me. I’ll keep you posted.

Nancy O's relapse

Nancy O just wrote in my guest book:

“I have been in treatment and recovery for the last 2 years. I am in the middle of a setback right now. I am scared to death. I have put the link to your site on my desktop. You may not remember me, but I bought 2 of your bracelets when they first came out. I hope that I can beat it this time quicker then the last. Why me????”

Oh, Nancy, of course I remember you. I still have your cute yoga-girl thank you note on my desk here at work. I’m really sorry to hear you’re relapsing. First thing you need to do is to stop panicking. Relapses are totally normal and should be interpreted as a necessary learning opportunity since they occur when you’re failing to hear or to heed the call of your heart. Perhaps you diverged from the path you’re meant to be on in this life. Your relapse is a scream from inside you trying to alert you to STOP and make different choices.

Questions you need to answer for yourself:

·          What has changed for you between when you were firmly in recovery and your first slip? I promise you that SOMETHING changed. Somewhere along the line, you made a decision that changed how you feel about yourself or your world. What was it?

·          Is there increased uncertainty or stress for you now? How can increased trust in yourself, creativity in problem solving, or changing directions help you to cope with the changes?

·          Did you make some decisions that are not in line with what your heart wants for you? Has your head gotten chaotic again? This is the surest sign that you’re listening too much to your fearful head and not enough to your heart.

·          Perhaps you’ve just gotten a bit lazy in practicing and applying your new beliefs and interpretations of the world? This is actually what has happened to me in the past couple of months, and I have been planning to write a post on it called, The Lessons Most Easily Forgotten. How do I know I’ve gotten lazy? I’m more easily angered on the road, my breathing is shallow, my back and shoulders are tight again, I’m less patient. When I’m focused on optimistic, loving beliefs, I feel wonderful and don’t have these symptoms. More on this in another post . . .

·          Basically – what has changed?

To get back on the upward spiral of recovery, first of all:

·          Quit focusing on the fact that you slipped. We all do it. Focusing on your slip is just being judgmental of yourself and not being fair considering how much you’ve grown and learned in the past couple of years. Focusing on your slip is like lying on the ground crying and berating your feet if you happen to trip and fall. You need to accept it for what it is (your heart crying out for attention and for different decision making), then get up and keep moving forward. Quit beating yourself up.

·          Try to calm your fears about completely losing all the ground you’ve covered in your growth and recovery or just about losing control in general. You haven’t lost a single lesson – you just might be ignoring some lessons. You CAN trust yourself – once you focus on hearing what your heart has to say and ignoring your fearful head!

·          If you can’t calm your fears in a nice, get forceful! Your fears are irrational because you are creative enough to figure out solutions to any problem that comes your way. If you don’t know the answer, you can learn or you can ask for help. So, push those fears away – deny them – debate them – just shhhh them like a mother to her child. Wallowing in fear completely disables your ability to think creatively and your ability to hear what your much more optimistic, energetic, and excited heart has to say.

·          Redouble your efforts to hear what your heart is telling you. If an idea sounds hopeful or creative or different from what you’ve done in the past, it’s your heart – listen to it. If it sounds at all fearful, judgmental, resentful, or just doubtful, it’s your head, and it needs to be hushed – doubt will never get you to your goals. Your heart knows the path to joy, fulfillment, peace, self-pride, and excitement to be alive. Trust it.

·          Focus on all your accomplishments in self-growth. The best way to fight your fear is with self-love, appreciation, recognition, and gratitude. Demonstrate to yourself how much you learned to trust yourself. Remind yourself how you’ve thought creatively to handle a problem. Remember all the risks you’ve taken in the last 2 years.

·          Remember to treat yourself with patience, encouragement, and tenderness right now. You need to be like the best mommy or daddy in the world to yourself. Remember, you’re just learning.

·          Get back to basics with some inspirational reading. This is something I have on my To-Do list, too. Get to the library, and/or read As a Man Thinketh (download here for free).

·          Develop a daily check-list of all your daily successes – even the smallest thing like smiling at a stranger. Use my sample as a template. Make sure each item reflects your true values – not mine and not what you THINK you should value. For example, I don’t really value spending time with friends (someday I’ll write a post on this . . .), but my coach thought being with friends was very important. I had to insist that I didn’t want it on my list. Your list needs to fully represent the characteristics of the woman you most respect, admire, and trust. For in time, she will be you.

·          BREATHE. You’ll be fine. It may take some time to figure out what your heart needs you to do. But, if you remain focused on understanding what those needs are and how to meet them, you’ll get yourself back on that spiral. I promise you.

Please keep me posted on what you discover after you ask yourself some of these questions. Be completely honest with yourself, ok?

Follow up

Hi everyone. I wanted to follow up with what happened with Todd after he read my post yesterday. He brought it up gently and was very kind. We had a really good talk.

A couple highlights:

1) other than when I was starving Saturday morning, he apparently didn’t notice me being weird at all. As I thought, I was obsessing and paranoid over absolutely nothing. It was all in my mind.

2) his sister-in-law would never be rude to me (Todd hadn’t even noticed her reaction that upset me). He came up with a whole other bunch of completely innocent explanations for her reaction. I’m sure now that it was just my over-sensitivity that day that led me to interpret her reaction as hurtful. Neither of us can even remember what we all had been talking about at the time!

3) he was glad when I spoke up about going home early. He had been ready to go home, too!

4) he apologized for surfing for so long on Saturday, leaving me hungry on the beach. I told him how I don’t want it to be his responsibility to worry about my needs. It’s MY responsibility to take care of myself and speak up when I need something. I don’t want to have to worry about him, and I don’t want him to have to worry about me. We can’t live on our assumptions of how to take care about each other or what the other may need at any moment –then we’re left always worrying and wondering, and, as we’ve discussed before, our assumptions about others are almost always wrong! But, I have to say that it was really nice to hear him say that he WANTS to be good at taking care of me. That’s so sweet and loving. I really want for us each to feel comfortable being open with each other and being receptive to and respectful of each other’s needs.

One lesson: when you’re feeling paranoid, talk yourself through it with more optimistic, alternative interpretations of what’s causing you to feel that way. Come up with at least 5 creative explanations that are not hurtful to you or self-defeating. Your “reasons” for your paranoia are almost always completely made up in your reeling, negative, fearful mind. Push through them. Argue against them. If you can ask someone else about their interpretations, do it! You’ll be able to put your mind to rest much quicker and easier and move on.

My holiday lessons

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope you enjoyed your time off or away or whatever. I know these times can be very stressful, whether you’re with family, with friends, or alone. This is a long post, but please stick with it - I share some big lessons that may help you, too.

I, myself, had a bit of a relapse this past weekend. Not a bulimia relapse, but a relapse to my old confused, self-judging, fearful thoughts. I guess I’m proof that recovery doesn’t end when you stop messing with food; there is still tons of stuff to experience and learn from in life. I turned to bulimia because I was missing some skills that made me uncomfortable in my world. I’ve learned a lot in this last year, but it’s not yet all I need to know. Recovery is like a relationship – you can’t judge it as successful when all you experience is good, easy times. You have to see how it holds up under pressure and during change, because life is ever-changing and we and everyone around us are ever-changing. And, we have to be vigilant in our self-awareness and how we care for and treat ourselves based on those changes. Plus, our circumstances won’t always be completely under our own control. We have to be vigilant that we take care at least of our physical needs and be honest and vulnerable and ask for help in getting what we need if we can’t get it on our own. This is a lesson I learned thoroughly this weekend, as well as the fact I can still be very afraid of taking that risk and asking.

My boyfriend and I went down to stay with his parents early Friday evening. We had a big dinner at his brother’s house. We had 9 adults, 5 kids (all under 8 years of age), and 4 dogs in one house. It felt really good to me; I was happy and enjoying myself. But, that night I slept horribly. I was hot and uncomfortable and slightly hung-over from all the wine we had had at dinner. That was the start of a really bad Saturday for me.

Saturday began with an early trip to the beach for Todd and his brother to surf. I spoke up and insisted that we stop so I could get a big cup of tea (I’m really addicted to my morning caffeine), so I had succeeded in taking care of at least one of my physical needs. But, I had grabbed only a banana and some candy to get me through until the guys were done surfing and we went out for breakfast. Since the waves were so good, we didn’t get our breakfast until 1:30 or so. By then, I was beyond starving. By 1:30 pm, I’ve usually had my breakfast, a morning snack, and my lunch! That was when the chaos and confusion in my mind began. Then, since I was so hungry, I ate way too much of my breakfast. So, I went from feeling sick from being starved immediately to feeling sick from eating too much. I began to get frustrated at myself for making bad choices and at my seeming lack of control over my self-care.

Basically, for almost the entire day, my thoughts were jumbled – in reality this was because of the biochemical mess I had made of myself with lack of sleep and inconsistent eating – and I reminded myself of this over and over, which helped some to know it was temporary. But, I still just couldn’t function very well. I felt terrible physically. I had trouble communicating with people. I very consciously observed myself rambling and talking a lot of nonsense when I talked, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself. I even got paranoid! I felt my moodiness was driving a barrier between Todd and me. I felt I was disappointing him, even embarrassing him in front of his family.

Later in the afternoon, I insisted on taking a nap. It was New Year’s Eve, and we had nice plans for the evening. I needed to get some sleep and reset myself. Todd was sweet and let me be. Of course, my old guilt kept pestering me that I should be doing something productive with Todd and/or his family. But, I took my own advice I give to you and just reminded myself that my head wasn’t working well because of lack of sleep and messed up eating, and I got a good rest. Thank goodness.

But, by dinner that night (we had dinner reservations at 8:30 with Todd’s sister, brother, and their spouses), I was starving again since lunch had been 7 hours prior. Again, I felt like I was rambling and talking a lot of nonsense, and I must have annoyed Todd’s sister-in-law. At one point, I saw her roll her eyes and mouth the word “whatever.” Todd must have seen it, too, although I haven’t asked him about it, because he looked down and began rubbing my back in a soothing way. My jaw hit the floor, and my thoughts started reeling. I had my old self-defeating thoughts of embarrassment mixed with horror at my social ineptitude mixed with hopelessness that she would ever accept me into her family mixed with resentment at her treatment of me.

Consciously thinking more optimistically helps a lot

I also had some healthy thoughts, such as, “yes, I’m rambling. I’m tired and hungry, and that’s affecting me – but it’s temporary and it’s ok because at least I’m being nice and social,” and “if I’m annoying her, it’s entirely her problem, not mine. It’s her choice to let me upset her. I’m doing my best to be kind and have fun with her, and if she’s interpreting it in any other way, that’s her issue,” and “I’m not going to let this upset me tonight. I will focus on enjoying my meal, the fun live music, and spending New Year’s Eve with the man I love,” and “Wow, if I am interpreting her reaction correctly, she acted extremely inappropriately and was not very nice. I really hope that I’m interpreting it wrong. I’ll give her another chance just in case I’m wrong,” and “perhaps she, too, is messed up bio-chemically at this moment. Perhaps something else is going on in her life to cause her to be extra sensitive. Perhaps I just happened to touch a raw nerve in her,” and “perhaps she is still sad that Todd and his ex-girlfriend broke up. They were together 2 years, and I bet the whole family really loved her. It’s completely understandable if she’s still disappointed and missing Todd’s ex. That’s no reflection on me at all.”

I reminded myself again and again that I had been trying to talk with her in fun and kindness. So, whatever happened in her mind was not at all my fault. Plus, there are many, many different explanations for her reaction – I refuse to automatically believe the most hurtful one. Although, I admit that by that point, I began looking forward to the end of the evening. I knew “tomorrow” would be much better after a good night’s sleep. And, tomorrow, I would strive to take more responsibility for meeting my food needs.

Yes, the next day was much better. Although I still didn’t eat as consistently as I need. I again went from being overly hungry to overly full. And, the less than ideal eating was beginning to show on my body. I couldn’t fit well into the new clothes Todd got me for Christmas. I felt like a stuffed sausage! I kept reminding myself that when I got back home and back to my routine, I would take it all off relatively quickly and that I was glad I didn’t restrict myself from enjoying the festive foods we had. But, occasionally my old thinking popped up, “I’m never going to be able to take this weight off normally. I may have to go back to my old tricks when I get home – just for a week or so.” I was very aware of my poor judgment about this, but for some reason, I had trouble debating those awful thoughts.

Issue with control or self-trust?

I admit that I was feeling very out of control over my environment and self-care this weekend. I guess that adds some evidence to the argument that EDs are most commonly about control. But, I think our need for control is only secondary. I believe that we are just very frightened of things being “out of control” because we don’t trust that we’ll be able to handle the change and uncertainty. I believe that our lack of self-trust leads to our need for everything to stay the same, to happen the way we expect – whether the expected outcome is good or bad, joyful or traumatic. Since we’ve been through it, we know how to deal; we feel less anxiety. I also believe that we generally have trouble speaking up and/or asking for what we need. We are people-pleasers because we’re scared to be left alone to make our own decisions during change and uncertainty. And, yet, at least for me, I was scared to be with people, too, because I expected that my needs will always come second or be completely ignored altogether. That’s bearable for only so long. And, the longer I spent in the company of others, I felt the more likely they were to figure out my biggest secret: that I’m inherently unlovable, boorish, and a bad person. No wonder I always ended up immobilized with my head in the toilet! What a complete mess I was!

Luckily for me, Monday came around rainy and windy and unpleasant. I got up some courage and suggested to Todd that we go home that morning instead of Tuesday as we had planned. He was all for it. Within an hour, we had packed up, said our goodbyes, and hit the road. He, too, was ready to be back in our own home. He, too, was feeling perhaps a bit out of control over his situation. He couldn’t wait to get back to the gym for a long stress burning workout. He, too, was getting moody and easily angered. I guess even for healthy, well functioning families and individuals, there is a limit on how much time you can spend “out of your element.”

We did our own things for the afternoon, then came back together for a wonderful, healthy meal in the evening. I admit that I was so excited about having my own food and my own kitchen back, I probably ate too much in grazing during the day. But, I excused that as a temporary reaction to the feast or famine pattern of the rest of the weekend.

And, today (Tuesday), I am thankfully feeling well rested, calm, well fed, and very much back to myself. I no longer have that awful confusion and chaos in my head. I no longer feel any temptation to go back to purging to lose any weight I may have gained over the holidays. I will do it in a healthy, honest, self-loving way that I can be proud of. I worked out for a good long time with Todd today, and we took the dogs for a good hike.

This holiday season, I have learned a lot about myself and the state and quality of my thinking when I don’t take good care of my sleep and food and relaxation needs. I have learned that I need to stay mindful of what’s going on with me and be respectful of what I might need to take care of myself. I can’t just deny or argue my physical needs away. I have more evidence that any sense of “relapse” will probably be very temporary and not to be feared as uncontrollable or inevitable. It is just a result of my not respecting what I need to be healthy. I have learned that I still have some growth to do in being able to ask for what I want and need, and I need to push myself harder to take communication risks in my relationships. And, I have more evidence that if I do get weird again, it’s ok – my boyfriend won’t leave me just for a day or two of moodiness or weirdness. We all get weird on occasion.

As my own coach now, I have given myself the assignment of taking one communication risk every week with someone I care about. I’ll keep you posted on the results.

Bad decision-making

So, I’ve been honest with myself, and I understand better now why I had a relapse . . . I wanted something that put me in the company and at the mercy of a few people who I knew all along had no interest at all in getting to know me as an individual.

My strong (irritating, unrelenting, gnawing) desire to spend my summer weekends up at the Malibu house put me in the company of people who can be mean and manipulative. Hell, they’re even mean and obnoxious to each other.

But, I got attached and couldn’t (wouldn’t) let go.

Looking back, it seems that I accepted the risk and made the choice quite a while ago to put myself in these tough situations in order to get what I considered a great and rare opportunity. Perhaps even then I accepted the ultimate outcome of set-back and relapse, which I knew was relatively unavoidable with this choice.

I’m striving hard to become a more “enlightened” woman which, to me, means a woman who does not “need.” She appreciates and enjoys every opportunity she has in life. But, yet, she has need for nothing. This lack of need eliminates the temptation for her to make less than the healthiest, most positive choices for herself. She doesn’t let others’ judgments, opinions, even anger or nastiness affect her sense of peace, self-respect, self-love. She knows that most people have the need to judge to make themselves feel better about their own place in the world. She feels compassion and understanding even for those who judge her the harshest. As long as she behaves in a way that she respects, her calm is untouchable.

Of course, I’m not enlightened yet. And, of course, I made the decision to sleep among the lions thinking I could handle it. Enlightened or not, that’s just stupid.

No one can increase their sense of peace, love, compassion, and connectedness with the world when they are spending time with people who live their lives guided by very different principles.

I made my choices. I paid the price.

But, yet, I’m still paying the price because I’ve lost some self-respect that will take some work to earn back. Yes, I’ve got some great photos and exciting, fun memories. My dog is very happy and thinner and pooped from all the running on the beach and swimming and chasing birds. But, playtime is over, and I’ve lost some of my hard won progress.

I’m sitting here struggling to not care what they think of me – what they’re saying about me. But, a man I’ve come to care about greatly is still there.  Listening to the negativity.

A truly enlightened woman wouldn’t care. Real love makes up it’s own mind. Real love is untouchable. And anything less than real love is not worth any amount of distress or concern. Real love is given freely without expectation or judgment or requirement. It just is.

I have learned so much since I began working with my coach and on my recovery, and I share it all with you in my eBook. Although, you can see as clearly as I that it takes time and all types of challenges and lots of consistent dedication and practice to transform healthy new skills into deep-rooted habits – in thoughts, emotions, and ultimately in the choices we make. It also takes a lot of honesty and self-discipline. I knew and clearly understood all along that we need to sacrifice short-term pleasures and the fleeting types of happiness in exchange for authentic, profound happiness that comes from making decisions based on increasing our sense of love, contentment, self-respect, kindness, beauty. But, I suppressed all that. I wanted, “needed,” that short term burst of pleasure and excitement. I had a feeling I would regret it. I suppressed that knowledge as well.

And, here I am.

There is nothing left to do but forgive myself, learn, and move on, wiser than I was before. It’s a great thing that I at least recognized a long time ago that I was choosing a self-defeating path. I’m proud of myself for realizing that. Next time I will be stronger, because I now have more evidence of the benefits of choosing the self-respecting and loving path – and not only trusting, but honoring my intuition and my heart.

Relapse . . .

I really hate to admit this, but I want to be honest with you about everything. Yesterday I relapsed. Big time.

I’m going to tell you the story and use it to explore what’s been going on with me to lead up to it.

So . . .I had gone to Target to do some shopping. Although I had a long list of potential triggers at the time, I figured I should just ignore them, get my shopping done quickly, and get back home feeling good that I had accomplished something on my Sunday. I was aware of some of the more immediate triggers, but some of the others had been lingering under the surface for probably a couple of weeks. My triggers included:

1) feelings of frustration because I was forcing myself to do what I thought I “should” be doing (getting errands done) rather than what I really wanted to be doing. I had wanted to hang home in the pool since it was such a gorgeous day. But, I felt I should be productive. There are times when we have to push through and do what we have to do regardless of what we want to do. But, was shopping at Target one of those times? No! My life would hardly be different had I decided to skip it and stay home for the day. I should have had a more open and honest discussion with myself about it.

2) hunger. On my way to the store, I became aware that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast although it was now approaching 3 pm. I decided to ignore it and wait to eat until I got home – big mistake. This behavior is reminiscent of those old days when I didn’t like to spend any of my scarce dollars on food. I should have taken better care of myself and used some time and money to choose something healthy to satisfy my hunger.

3) exhaustion from going out late with my roommate both Friday and Saturday nights. We had gone “clubbing” which is far from being my favorite thing to do, but she knows the promoter, and he invited us so we didn’t have to wait in line or pay the $20 cover charge. It seemed like a great opportunity to do something different from the norm. On top of being naturally tired, I was also on Benedryl for my lingering poison oak.

4) building pressure that the summer is almost over, and I need to get back to writing very soon. I guess I haven’t even written about it here, but Lindsey Hall from Gurze Books is interested in working with me to develop my eBook into a full length book with exercises for traditional publishing by her company. I’m thrilled about this opportunity! It’s exactly what I’ve been hoping for. But, I admit I’m a little intimidated about the whole thing. I guess I worry that I’m not going to be able to deliver or something. It’s that old self-doubt and worry that creep up every once in awhile. I’ve been lazy about actively fighting it. And, if I don’t actively fight it, it just breeds under the surface. No more!

5) some really annoying feelings of insecurity stemming from my feelings for this new guy! Luckily, I think this is very circumstantial and will pass in a couple of weeks. He’s very good friends with that awful guy (Danny) who treated me (and every other woman?) like crap. They spend a lot of time together during the summer. I have zero trust in Danny, and I’m still recovering from my shock at learning how awful he treated me. I know in my heart, as well as from knowing him for so long, that the guy I like is a good person and very trust-worthy, honest, respectful, and caring and really wants to be with me right now. But, yet I still feel uncomfortable when the guys are hanging out together.

So, with all these triggers swirling around in my head, and with me trying just to ignore them rather than confront them and fight them, I got to the food section in Target and completely lost it.

I didn’t really even try to fight it - I’ve told you before that I hate having to fight myself. So, I just went for it. I hadn’t felt that overwhelming craving in so long. It was surprising – and uncomfortably familiar. I spent probably $20 on binge foods and raced home to my own private party. And, boy did I party. My other roommate was out for the evening, so I went through 3 rounds before I finished off everything I had bought.

You may wonder: how do I feel now? Guilty? Ashamed? Scared of going back to my old ways?

I’m actually feeling compassion for myself. I’m feeling tenderness and love and honesty. I’m not superwoman. I’m not perfect. I certainly don’t always have it all together. But, I refuse to feel guilty. And, I refuse to feel frightened that this one slip could erase all the amazing months I’ve had completely clean. I won't let it. Even my coach tells me that he pretty much expects to have a certain number of “awww shit” (as he calls them) days each year. As enlightened as he is, he still has them 2 or 3 times per year.

I admit I was feeling embarrassed about writing it all in my blog. But, embarrassment is just my ego, and letting my ego make my decisions serves no one. Then, I wouldn’t be able to grow or learn. And, I certainly wouldn’t be being honest with you or myself.

On the positive side, this slip reminds me how awful it is to hide from the world with my dark secret. It’s a waste of time, energy, and money. While I could have been enjoying the sun and a great book from my comfy raft in the pool, I was making myself sick inside. That’s not how I want to live – letting the world and all its beauty pass me by.

Don’t worry about me, though. I still consider myself recovered – with one slip. I can write about it today and maybe a bit more tomorrow. But, then I’m going to let it go. I’m not going to dwell on it. I will use it only as a reminder of what can happen when I forget to spend quality time just listening to my heart, or when I let my fearful, egoistic, judgmental head make my decisions for me. I need to get back to taking time every night before I go to bed to honestly check in with myself. For example:

Did I make myself proud and happy today? What can I do tomorrow to make me even happier with myself at the end of the day?

Did I have self-defeating thoughts or behaviors today? Am I feeling fearful? How can I confront those emotions and use creativity and courage to get rid of them?

Did I make my decisions from my heart and not my fearful head?

Am I still on the right path in my life?

I have to go now, but I’ll write more tomorrow. I hope you’re all doing very well.

The thin line between Recovery and Relapse

Recovery is a state of mind, not the number of days between binging and purging episodes!

I believe very strongly that my recovery began the day I made the commitment to get well - 12/9/04. Yes, I had 2 slips since then, but I refuse to start counting days of abstinence as my measure of being recovered or not. My coach asked me: so when do you go from being in recovery to being well? Isn't that a great question?! He also said that if I consider myself in recovery, then I'm always focusing on the fact that there was something in my life I needed to recover FROM. I don't want to live my life that way. I want to be done with my bulimia and move on with my life - as a healthy, vital person with much more exciting and fulfilling things to focus on and drive toward.

My coach also told me a really good story that relates very well to our recovery:

Imagine you're walking along without a care in the world. Suddenly you trip over something or stumble. Do you look down at your feet and yell and berate them for being clumsy? Do you sit down and anguish over the fact that you've stumbled? NO! You just keep on walking. It's completely automatic, except perhaps for a bit of embarrassment, that a stumble doesn't slow us down one bit.

That is how I would like for us to look at relapses. We certainly don't want to stumble - it hurts our toes! We try hard to avoid it. But, if it happens, we pick ourselves up and keep moving forward. We learn as much as possible from our stumble - we note that the pavement is uneven there, and we'll make sure to avoid it next time we walk by. But, we go on.

No counting days of abstinence! That's like counting the number of steps we take between stumbles! How silly is that?! Focus only on our journey and our destination. Stumbles happen. But, even with a bunch of stumbles, if we keep moving forward, we are absolutely sure to get to our destination. I promise you with everything I am and believe. Keep moving forward!

My Ooops Days

Each day I read blogs by women who are caught in this same battle.  They openly share their struggles, their successes, and their failures.  I realized that while I am completely committed to winning the war with bulimia, I, too, have lost a couple of battles.  I am going to use this page to document them.  I don't want to ever have to look at this page again after today, but if I do relapse, I will document it here in the Category "On Relapses."

As of today, 1/26/05, I'm very proud to say that I've only relapsed twice since I made my committment to quit on December 9, 2004.  I have worked through the reasons why I failed, and I have forgiven myself for them - with the understanding that I am responsible for recognizing these triggers in the future and using the strategies I'm learning to cope in more healthy ways.

12/30/04     This was the day before my big trip with my boyfriend to Belize. I was very stressed out since we had planned it VERY last minute (the week just prior!).  We didn't even know where we were staying our first night there until the morning before we left!  And, this was the first big vacation trip I've ever taken!  I knew it was going to be expensive, and the money in my bank account is my one main source of security.  And, to be honest, part of me thought (all of me hoped) that maybe this was going to be the time when my boyfriend asked me to marry him.  I struggled with the issues of "am I ready?" "is he really the ONE?" and "OMG, I'm going to have to tell him about my bulimia!"  I got myself all riled up into a panic and blew it the night before we went.

By the way, the dummy hadn't even thought about engagement!  We talked about it later since I felt very disappointed, and that had made me a bit distant with him.  He did get all cute & giddy about it, though, so I forgave him really quickly!  I've also since told him about my bulimia and this blog (as of 1/26, neither of us want him to read it though).  He's supportive, but the best part is that he's not going to dump me for a "stronger, more well adjusted" girlfriend!

1/14/05    I forgave myself quickly for this one because it was when my sister died the year before.  I had been very focused on my recovery and failed to make time in my schedule to mourn.  My pain just kind of crept up on me.  And, to be honest, I hadn't yet forgiven myself for my role in her suicide.  See my essay "I forgive myself to see how I handled this.  I know I'll be ok next year when this date comes around.