Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Great excitement in the midst of total uncertainty!

My time in hell is almost over. I set out last August to survive my awful job until mid-March, my 5 year anniversary with the company, when I become fully vested, get my pension, and get stock. On top of that, I would learn a new, very complex business system (SAP, Advanced Planning & Optimization (APO) module) I knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but I decided that in the long run it would be best. As you could probably tell from my complete absence from this blog that I was in a pretty bad place. I’ve been in a true depression since September. I even went on my old anti-anxiety meds for a few months to help me through it and deal with Christmas, which is always a tough time.

The thing that really amazes me right now is that, right on the verge of so much change and uncertainty, my energy is suddenly through the roof. I’m feeling great, optimistic, and super excited to see how this next chapter of my life is going to turn out. I’ve been accomplishing a ton of things that are important to me (including some blog posts and personal emails), and I have energy left over. It’s a wonderful, natural high.

No, it’s not the meds! I stopped those the day after Christmas. It’s just pure wonder at all the potential there is for me right now.

I want to acknowledge that I have finally learned how to really embrace uncertainty and see all the beauty there is in change. It’s the exact opposite of what I chose to put myself through these last 6 months – instead of just “surviving,” I’m now back in control of my life and how I want to live it. My self-confidence isn’t quite where I want it to be yet. And, I’m still not sure exactly what I want for myself after this job. But, after a couple job interviews, I just know I’ll be feeling stronger and more sure of myself.

How can YOU embrace change and uncertainty in your life?

Readers I need to get back to

Hi all. I had SOO intended to respond to emails this weekend, but things keep popping up. I'm having a very enjoyable and personally satisfying weekend, but I will have to push back on those emails again.

Sometimes you guys can really stump me with your questions. Please remember that I can only respond using my own experience (via living, reading, working with my coach) and anecdotal understanding based on the emails and comments I get from you. Below are the people who have emailed these tough questions. I think about you guys all the time. I've talked with Todd about some of you when a male perspective seems important. Most of your emails require quiet time for thinking - so I can't respond to you during work. Please know that I'm not ignoring you, your questions are valid and important, and each one of you deserves my best, most thoughtful response.

Janet, Barbara, Lisa, Nina, Ilse, Beth, Bobbi, Kyle, Tracey, Mike, Chi, Ksana, Peppa, elizabeth (e)

The first people listed are the oldest emails I have to respond to. You see I'm really behind. If you send me an email requiring a response, I'm afraid I'll probably just have to add you to the list. I'm sorry! There are others I would like to respond to, too, even though they didn't specifically ask a question or they only left a comment for the first time on the blog.

My theories on self-esteem and sex

I would really like to thank Miss Blue for openly sharing so much of her personal sexual history with us in her comment to this post. It was very brave of her to share all that using her real name. Thanks, Miss Blue, for helping to further this discussion without shame or embarrassment!! We have nothing to be ashamed about. We’re all just trying to be happier and to have happier relationships.

Her comments show really well how true it is that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” I think a LOT of us would think having a man with a low sex drive to match our own would be perfect, ideal, heaven. She uses her own story to prove to us that is not necessarily the case.

I am so interested to know how other women feel about their sex drive, whether or not they have “issues” like an eating disorder or some other problem, that I wish I could run a huge survey and see the data myself. Gu, my friend and favorite male contributor to this blog, shared that he, too, isn’t overly driven in this department. So, I would want to include men, too.

My survey would look something like this:

Sex:

□ male   □ female

Age of first significant sexual experience (intercourse for heterosexuals; some other milestone for homosexuals): ______

Level of self esteem:

□ very strong. I trust my intuition and opinions in all areas of my life. I almost never doubt or regret my choices later.

□ very strong generally, although it falls apart in the sexual area.

□ relatively strong in all areas of my life. I mostly trust my intuition and opinions. I sometimes doubt or regret my choices later.

□ could use work – I initially trust myself but then often seriously doubt or regret my choices later.

□ could use work – I can only make decisions after long, detailed analysis of pros and cons of each option. I usually feel good about my choices later.

□ not good when younger, but strong now.

□ miserable. I don’t trust my intuition or opinions to make good choices at all.

Satisfaction with sex drive:

□ great. No complaints.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s strong only very occasionally.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s good when alone, not so good with a partner.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s only mediocre all the time.

□ it’s getting better with age.

□ nonexistent

Sex life with a partner:

□ we fight about it all the time.

□ it’s a persistent, unspoken source of strain.

□ it’s an occasional source of strain.

□ it doesn’t add to or take away from our relationship. It’s not really a significant factor.

□ what partner?! I’d rather be alone; it’s easier. No sex at all would be my preference.

□ I occasionally enjoy sex with uncommitted partners, but I prefer not to be in a relationship.

□ our relationship is stronger for it. We celebrate our satisfying sex life together.

The survey would have to be tweaked, as I have no experience designing a survey for statistical analysis. But, this is my first gut-driven version. It’s got all the stuff *I* would like to know.

I love slicing and dicing data and looking for statistically significant trends and correlations. It’s actually my specialty in my career. I guess my goal for this work would be to see if there are correlations between sex drive satisfaction with self-esteem and potentially other factors like age at first significant experience. My own theories are:

1)       that self-esteem and age of first experience are correlated at least for women: better self-esteem, later start to sex life.

2)       that self-esteem and satisfaction with sex life with a partner are correlated: better self-esteem, better satisfaction. If you don’t doubt yourself or feel insecure about your wants & needs, then you can more easily speak up and ask for (or just create) what you want in bed.

3)       that the age of first experience might be correlated with sexual satisfaction later on in life (at least for women; I don’t know enough about men in this regard): later start to having sex, better satisfaction later on. I think that if you start early, perhaps you pick up bad habits (like being afraid to speak up) or expectations or beliefs about sex that could hamper your enjoyment later on. This happened to me. But this effect could be tied more directly to the self-esteem issue. I’d have to do some fancy statistics to correct for the self-esteem piece to explore this theory. Cool.

I would need a really big data set to do this, but it would be so cool. Hell, think how the teen pregnancy rate might plummet if you taught in school that it was proven that teens would enjoy sex much more for the rest of their lives if they:

1) waited until firmly in their 20’s, and/or

2) focused on building their self-esteem first.

Kids would probably do a hell of a lot better in school, too. God, I wish I hadn’t had to deal with the stress of “sex” as a teenager!

What would you add to the survey? What would you like to know – about people in general or just about people with self-esteem issues or eating disorders, in particular? Do you have any theories you’d like to test out??

New Kayak for Malibu this summer!

Todd bought a brand new one person kayak yesterday! Yippee! He got it off Craig's list for a significant discount over buying it retail (he's SUCH a good online shopper). He got it especially for Malibu, when he's alone during the week. But, I'm excited since now I can go out "surfing" with him when we're in La Jolla with his family. He can borrow a board from his brother, and we can bring the kayak down there for me. Now, I don't have to stay home. I can get out on the water, too.

Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success on DVD

I mentioned just briefly in my last post about how I’ve been more easily agitated since I cut way back on my anti-anxiety meds. I’m actually a bit less patient, accepting, allowing, kind, generous, etc. I’ve been bothered by things that used to just bounce right off me. I’ve been frustrated by this, and this frustration has only added to my sense of having lost some ground in my growth.

But, wouldn’t you know it? Out of nowhere I get a very random email that only barely escaped getting deleted as spam. I was contacted by a woman who works for M80 and Fox Entertainment about the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, by Deepak Chopra. She had found my post about it here after I had listened to it on CD and recommended it to all of you. She asked if I wouldn’t mind reviewing the new movie based on the book. I said, of course, I would love to!

While watching this incredibly visually beautiful DVD, I realized that it’s not that I’ve regressed in my growth, it’s that I have stopped actively practicing. The DVD was a wonderful refresher course, and it strongly inspired me to pick up where I had left off in my commitment to practice living my core values every single day – even when I’m tired and when circumstances are extra challenging.

Living well is like playing a musical instrument well. It takes education and a lot of commitment and practice. But, just like the beautiful music you create even as you practice an instrument, you are rewarded with love, pride, and peace when you practice living according to your values. If you stop practicing, you stop experiencing and reaping rewards.

More on the DVD

I hope you all read the book or listened to it on CD like I did. But, if you didn’t, this new DVD is the best introduction to Chopra’s “Secrets.” It stays true to the original message, and I was so pleasantly surprised when all my favorite bits of wisdom were repeated here. But, the DVD is very helpful in that the wisdom is also taught through the words of regular people (some of whom you may know) who had used the lessons and reaped wonderful results. They share stories and examples that we all can relate to, like:

·          how to stay accepting and peaceful inside during uncomfortable external conditions like horrible traffic (this challenges me every commute),

·          how to stay detached and hopeful and even excited and grateful when things go “wrong” like if you get let go from your job.

The DVD prominently features Olivia Newton-John who I love and who I know has had some heartbreaking challenges in her life. But, the wisdom she gained from Chopra helped her to get through it all and remain creative, loving, grateful, and so happy to be alive and committed to her purpose in life – creating and sharing beautiful music.

The DVD comes with a Study Guide on the Seven Laws. This is a great idea since it briefly sums up each law in a sentence or two and gives three steps/ideas to practice each law until it becomes habit. When you practice each step, you are rewarded with good feelings that will put you on an upward spiral of practice, reward, practice, reward. Personally, I had stopped my active practice and so I haven’t been reaping the rewards as much and my peace has suffered.

Chopra is not the easiest teacher to understand. I listened to the CD about 4 times in a row, and each time I got more out of it. So, this DVD is a real blessing in that it teaches the basics in a very easy to understand way, and it makes it easy to apply the wisdom in every day challenges and choices. The DVD is really just a good introduction, though. I would strongly encourage you to follow up with the original book or the CD. There is much more incredible stuff there than the DVD shares.

One thing I know for sure: At the end of the DVD, I had tears in my eyes, and I felt renewed optimism and excitement about this life-long journey of my life. And, I felt incredibly blessed that this little gem basically fell into my lap right when I needed it most.

Busy weekend

Yesterday from 7:30 am (yikes - still can't believe I got up that early!) to 11:30 am, I was at the Area Toastmasters contest. It was a good time. I got there early, so I volunteered to run the registration desk. Everyone works so hard to create a good experience for everyone else, I felt proud to be part of the organization. The speech contestant from my club won second place and the evaluation contestant from my club won first place (yeah!). He will go on to compete at the next level. And, I'll be there routing him on.

I sat out in the sun in the afternoon after that, and we went to a dinner and movie last night. Do NOT see "The Wind that Shakes the Barley." It was the most boring movie either of us has ever seen.

Today, I volunteered all day at the Best Friends huge annual pet adoption in Burbank. I was there with my friend, Rande's organization, Karma Rescue. I walked dogs, filled water bowls, and talked with potential adoptive parents. It was tiring, but I feel great. Every dog I walked got a full body scratch. I handed out a TON of treats, and spent time with as many different dogs as I could. I feel I made a little difference in their lives.

We got a lot of adoption applications. Rande and her more regular volunteers will follow up and do "home checks," and by next week, we'll have a final tally of how successful the day was.

Now, it's time for dinner (pasta and salad). And, then a movie and bed (I'm looking forward to that!). I'll get caught up on emails this week.

I hope you all had a great weekend, too.

I lost the contest *sigh*

So, we just had our club Toastmasters contest, and I lost. I’m a little pouty, but I’m also very relieved, and I’m happy that the guy who won really is the one who should go on to the Area contest on Saturday. His speech was inspirational but it was also funny, which is always appreciated by audiences. Even I voted for him. He needs to do some hard work before Saturday - reorganizing, rewriting and LOTs of preparation. But, I'm happy to have him represent us in the contest. His speech is exactly what the judges like.

Plus, I had a complete melt-down in the beginning and forgot my entire introduction. I haven’t blanked that badly in a long time - not even on Tuesday when I did the longer version of the same speech for the first time at a different club full of strangers.

Oh well. I’m really happy I went for it, though. And, I’m really happy I finished 2 big Toastmaster milestones this week, and I won’t have to write another speech for a LONG time!

I’ll be getting caught up on your emails and stuff this weekend. I hope you’re all doing well.

"The Secret of Happiness"

So, this is my speech I’m giving tomorrow night and Thursday afternoon. My assignment was to do an inspirational speech. I really didn’t want to come off too preachy or teachy. But, of course, I really do want to teach this stuff, so it was hard. You’ve heard all this stuff from me before. But, it’ll be the first time for these Toastmasters groups. I left out the bulimia stuff. People have so many misconceptions about EDs; I really didn’t want everyone to think, “wow, with all that crap in her past, how could she be so overly concerned about her WEIGHT?!” I don’t have time in this 8-10 minute speech to explain it. So, here it is . . .

Helen Keller once wrote, “Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do.”

Happiness. What every human strives for but few actually achieve. Believe it or not, I’ve found the secret of happiness. And, I want to share it with you.

“Happiness describes as a pleasant and peaceful feeling that results from 1) the way we choose to interpret the world around us, and 2) our subsequent thoughts and actions that we choose in response to those interpretations.”

The secret is how we choose and interpret. We can choose to interpret a situation as an impossible and exhausting problem, and we’ll end up feeling anxious, resentful or sad.   Or, we can choose to interpret the same situation with optimism that there may be some good or opportunity for us hidden in it. And, we’ll feel creative and powerful and energized – we’ll feel good.

My goal today is to encourage and empower all of you to become better at choosing and interpreting, better at creating happiness. I’m going to share with you 6 powerful practices of happy people that you can emulate.

But first, I want to explore for a minute the thinking and beliefs of a very unhappy person: me.

Except for the last 2 years of my life, I was miserably, desperately unhappy almost all the time.

I grew up in an unstable and chaotic home. I learned very young to always expect the worst. This helped to lessen disappointment and shock. I learned that comfort and security are fleeting. I learned that life is tough and dangerous, and there’s no one you can really depend on.

Consequently, my whole life was like a persistent low-grade panic attack, with some full blown panic attacks thrown in for fun. My thoughts were always a mess of chaos and confusion, making every little decision torturous. I had uncontrollable and unpredictable anger. I was always depressed and wracked with self-doubt, self-disgust and even self-hate. I felt that if I made one mistake, I would end up helpless and hopeless. And, if I ended up in that place, I might as well just cash it all in.

That’s what my sister chose to do. She had been taught the same things about life that I had been, has seen things the same way I had. And, just after her 34^th birthday, 3 years ago, she committed suicide. I spent the next year in incredible pain, confusion and anger.

On her birthday that next year, I made a decision that I didn’t want to end up like my sister. I wanted to get some help.

I hired a personal coach whose mission was to help me to unlearn all my bad beliefs and help me to learn how to interpret the world in a more rational, reasonable way. It took a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but gradually I learned that I could choose to be happy by choosing how I interpreted the world around me.   I’ve continued to learn and practice and grow. And, I get more consistently and deeply happy every single day.

And, that is the secret I’m here to share with you all. Let’s talk now about what I found to be the most powerful practices for creating happiness:

1) Responsibility. Responsibility for learning how to create your own happiness. So, my parents didn’t do so well at teaching me life skills. At some point, I had to pick up where they left off in my education. Contentment, forget about happiness, wasn’t going to suddenly just happen for me. I had to reach out and learn how to create it.

2) Optimism. Optimism fosters creative thinking which is so important in solving life’s challenges. Pessimism and worry suck the creativity right out of a person, leaving them stuck. If I work hard to first find the potential good or opportunity hidden in a challenge, I can solve it much easier. And, solving problems without huge drama or pain makes me braver and wiser and gives me confidence I can handle whatever comes along. And, this alone gave me my first taste of real security in this world.

3) Compassion. Learning compassion was the most powerful tool for me in calming my rage. Sometimes I have to get really creative (using optimism) in finding compassion for people who I feel have hurt me or others. But, now I almost never get upset or take it personally when someone isn’t nice to me. I accept it as reflection of their own inner turmoil. And, I know first hand how mean people suffer inside.

4) Forgiveness. This was the hardest lesson for me by far. I fought my coach when he said I would need to forgive my parents. I blamed them for my sister’s suicide. How could I possibly forgive them?! But, slowly, my newly learned compassion enabled me to see that they did the best they could while suffering inside just as badly as I had been. How could I hate them when I felt so sad for them? Forgiveness was my greatest breakthrough in my growth and my happiness.

5) Gratitude. I learned that, for my own good, I had to focus on and be grateful for all the good and wonderful things my parents taught me and gave to me. I focus on the times my sister was happy and having fun. I count every tiny little blessing I can find every day. You simply can’t be sad or mad when you’re practicing gratitude. Try it and prove it to yourself.

6) Giving. Giving to the world makes people feel needed and valued. It gives us a reason to get out of bed every morning. It gives us a real, tangible reason to love and respect ourselves. And, you can’t be happy unless you love yourself.

Simple as they seem, these 6 practices had to be taught to me. And, they transformed my life. I want to leave you with one more inspiration.

Many people judge the personal pursuit of happiness to be selfish, particularly when there is so much suffering in the world. But what does a happy person contribute to the world? Optimism, energy, creativity, kindness, love. And, those will go far to ease the pain in the world. Happiness is a virtue. It is a gift to the world, in addition to ourselves.

This is your challenge. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your family, your friends, the strangers you interact with each day. Your happiness is very much needed in this world. So, please, commit to it, learn it, do it.

Working on my last big speech

I'm basically spending all this weekend working on my last big speech for Toastmasters (at least for awhile - I need a break from writing these things!). I've been procrastinating and getting false starts on this for months now. But, I finally committed, so there's no getting out of it now. Next Saturday (St. Patrick's day, by the way, for all my fellow Irishmen & women!) is the Area's contest for best Speaker and Evaluator. I'm delivering my speech first for a different club on Tuesday night for their Evaluator's contest. Then, I will deliver the same speech for my club on Thursday in our Speech contest. The winners in all these contests will go on to the Area contest next week.

Yes, I'm going to enter myself into the contest. It's kinda cool. There are higher and higher levels of competition for speakers: the club, the area, the division, the district, and on up. Since Toastmasters is a huge International organization, the contest culminates in the awarding of the best Toastmaster speaker in the world! The contests are held all around the world.

My goal right now is to just do as good a job as possible on Tuesday. Then, I'll focus on Thursday, and if I win that, THEN I'll focus on Saturday.

Todd & I are sitting out in the sun today cuz it's gorgeous out! He's reading a book; I'm practicing my speech. What I would really prefer to do is mix up a mango margarita and kick back, but I have a goal, and I'm going to keep working on it.

By the way, we saw The Host last night and had a great time. It's a super fun, funny AND scary movie I recommend for all of you.

What is Happiness to me?

First of all, keep in mind that all of the things I list below were taught to me in the last 2 years by my coach as well as out of books and CDs that I listen to during my hour commute every day. I have tested them well and slowly incorporated them into my every day – my every moment (once again, I’m not 100% consistent in this, but I get better all the time).

• Acceptance and nonattachment: I don’t “need” things to go the way I would prefer them to go. Everything and everyone changes. I’ve accepted that, and I am increasingly flexible and creative in response.

• Non-judgment and allowing: I don’t waste my time and energy trying to interpret others’ words and actions. They are free to do as they wish. I don’t let others affect my state of mind. I allow others to be and do as they want. I’m not threatened when we aren’t in agreement.

• Gratitude: I count every little blessing I can find in my life. Even if it’s just noticing the incredibly blue color of the sky. That is a gift, and I am thankful for it.

• Kindness and compassion: When I can make another personal smile or laugh or feel glad or if I can help an animal in need, I feel a little light glow deep inside me. I try to send out kindness and understanding no matter what anyone may choose to send back (!).

• Writing my blog: Feeling like I’m giving someone out there some hope, some new ideas, some comfort brings me lasting happiness and peace inside. Blogging gives me my sense of purpose in life.

• Courage to honor my values: Even though it can be very scary to do what I know is right and important for me to have self-respect, I take a deep breath and push through the fear (of course, you’ll have to first learn what exactly your values are. They may not be what you think they are or what you think they “should” be).

• Optimism and Creativity: When I can use my creativity to spin a challenge around so it’s not so scary or anger-inducing or hurtful as my first interpretation, I feel powerful and happy.

• Forgiveness: When I can honestly say, “I forgive” to myself or to anyone who has hurt me, that little light inside glows so bright, I usually end up crying in gratitude and blessing and, yes, even joy. Forgiveness is probably the most powerful change you can make on your journey to create happiness.

• Learning to enjoy solitude and quiet: Again, I don’t “need” to have people around me. It’s a comforting feeling to not be dependent on others. I no longer have to impress them, be anxious about pleasing them, or entertain them. I can just be me.

• Floating around the pool by myself while reading, writing, just observing or contemplating the world around me. OK, this might fall into the “pleasures” category, but it gives me a peace and contentment that lasts so long, I wanted to include it as a “happiness-inducer.” Do you have a hobby you enjoy doing by yourself like this?

I’m sure there are others, but these are the ones that come to mind as I sit here contemplating what really makes me happy inside. Notice that all 5 of the words on my bracelets appear on the list.

Remember, I had to put in effort to learn these things, and I’ve been working on them for two years now. It takes study, practice, more study, and more practice. But, all along the way, you are rewarded for your efforts in increasing happiness, self-respect, self-trust, that inner glow of unconditional love, as well as contentment, peace, and, yes, RECOVERY.

Update on anti-anxiety weaning

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since I cut down from 20 mg Citalopram (generic Celexa) to 10 mg, and I'm doing great. For some reason, I've actually been better than before I cut down. I've got more energy, and I've been calmer and happier. Maybe because I'm so excited to be done with this part of my life? Who knows.

I can't cut down to 5 mg cuz I'm already cutting 20 mg pills in half. So, it's going to have be 10 mg to 0 mg in a few weeks or so. I asked my doctor to prescribe me 10 mg pills (that I could cut in half when I was ready) to help me wean, but she wouldn't unless I went in to see her (for a $15 co-pay and time off work). I said I wasn't interested. My doctor is just a medical doctor; she has no training as far as I know in medications or issues like this. Plus, I've weaned myself off meds several times before, so I'm hardly worried I'm going to freak out or something. What could she do for me except give me the damn Rx?! Once again, I suspect it's just for liability sakes. And, I'm not wasting my time or money to cover her ass.

Sorry to be so jaded about that . . .

Anyway, things are going well. I even did a good chunk of my taxes yesterday. They've gotten much more complicated because of my investments this year, but I still really want to do them myself. Todd thinks I should hire a professional. But, I really want to be able to do them myself, even if it takes a long time. Only once did I have a professional do them, and that was because I got a free coupon from H&R block when I first went to college. He has offered to look them over for me, though, and compare them to his professionally done ones. Hopefully, we'll catch any mistakes doing that.

I've also got a couple really tough emails from you guys that I need to get to. Boy, sometimes your emails really get me in the gut. But, I'll get to them, I promise.

I hope you’re all doing very well. Love, me.

P.S. I am in no way encouraging any of you to stop or to not even start taking medication like Celexa or whatever you find works for you. I have been so incredibly grateful to it for helping make my life a little easier. After a tough life, I think we all deserve to have things a little easier! So, take good care of yourself and explore taking meds or switching meds if you find they help you, too. I've been recovered for about 2 years now, and I am only now ready to begin taking on the challenges of life without the help. And, remember, if your medicine makes you tired or apathetic, it's not the right one for you. Try a different one.

On exercise & body awareness after recovery

This post is in response to a comment Bobby made about this post, Real Life. You can read her comment in this section.

First of all, all of you should always feel free to question or challenge me when I write something that doesn't resonate well with your heart. In written posts, things can always come out differently than I intended them to. Also, remember I am hardly perfect. Even after recovery, I’m still learning and growing and trying things and making mistakes.

In this case, after re-reading my post, I realize I was insensitive to my audience. I see now that what I said could definitely been triggering and worrisome. And, I’m really sorry about that. I feel I should have left that whole part out of my post.

On the other hand . . . now that it's out there, I think we should talk about it. It's true that I’m back into my exercise program, although more intensely for these next 2 months with Hawaii as my motivation. And, I feel totally ok about that. I DO regret that I just spit it all out there without more information for you to consider, including the fact that I’m NOT dieting. I have not nor do I plan to change my diet at all.

The reality is that there is a huge difference between caring about your body and its strength and abilities and being obsessive about it to the exclusion of all else or to the point where you’re actually doing damage to yourself. After recovery, you want to take care of yourself in a loving way, not an obsessive way. And, you’ll want to have a balance among the needs of your 4 spheres of balance, which certainly includes exercise.

The only exercise I got in December pretty much was hiking the dogs on weekends. I refused to “workout” cuz I was feeling down (read: pouting) about my sister. Then I was sick for just over 4 WEEKS in January, so I didn’t even walk the dogs. I had been in great shape before all this, and I was excited to get back there. I haven’t been as skinny as I was before recovery, but I have been strong and toned which I hadn’t been in many, many years, and that makes me feel a lot of respect for myself and my body. That’s healthy.

You’ll know your desire for exercise is healthy when you don’t HAVE to do it. All last week, I had been planning to go rollerblading on Saturday. But, when Saturday morning came around, I was enjoying being in bed reading my book so much that I decided to stay there. I still got exercise. I did my 30 minute workout with Todd and did our hike with the dogs. But, I didn’t do my two hour rollerblade between Palisades and Venice like I had been planning to do.

You’ll also know your respect for your body is healthy when you stop hating your body and enjoy it in whatever form it’s in. After Christmas, my body was a bit bigger and, for some reason, the extra weight went straight to my butt. But, I didn’t curse it or hide it in shame. In fact, I got a bit of a kick out of it. For New Years Eve, I went out and bought a really tight skirt specifically because it showed off my butt. I felt so very J.Lo about it, and I had fun with it. Below is a photo of me showing it off and feeling very sexy.

Now I’m feeling well and am ready to get strong and toned again. This is real life – this is healthy – this is ok.

I know that this post, too, might be triggering for many readers. And, for that, I’m very sorry. That’s the last things I want to do. But, I also find it important to be honest about my life and share with you what real life will be like for you after recovery. It’s good; it’s fun; it’s exciting. I once wrote a comment like this on Dr. Stacey’s blog, and she deleted it. So, I understand that it’s a bit out of line with recovery talk. But, this is me and, at least to some extent, I believe it will be you after recovery.

Great quotes on growth, learning, self-respect & self-awareness

Below I have made a small compilation from the myriad of quotes I’ve been collecting for the book I hope to write someday. I don’t want to wait until then, however, to share them with you.

Copy some for yourself – print them out or write them out on nice paper. Then hang them up in various places, so you can reflect upon them often. There are some real gems in here! Enjoy and take them to heart!

If you would like to read more, look the authors up online or check out a book by or about them. Enjoy!

Solitude

"He does not seem to me to be a free man who does not sometimes do nothing." –Cicero

Self-awareness/Self-respect

"A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval." -Mark Twain

"All the wonders you seek are within yourself." -Sir Thomas Brown

"The more you know yourself, the more you will forgive yourself." –Confucious

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. -Frederick Douglass

I wish to say what I think and feel today, with the proviso that tomorrow perhaps I shall contradict it all.  –Ralph Waldo Emerson

When I discover who I am, I'll be free. -Ralph Ellison

Nothing can bring you peace but yourself. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

What the superior man seeks is in himself; what the small man seeks is in others. -Confucius

The day the child realizes that all adults are imperfect, he becomes an adolescent; the day he forgives them, he becomes an adult; the day he forgives himself, he becomes wise. -Alden Nowlan

Friendship with oneself is all-important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world. -Eleanor Roosevelt

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience. -Eleanor Roosevelt

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. -Anna Quindlen

To free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves--there lies the great, singular power of self-respect. -Joan Didion

Perhaps the most important thing we can undertake toward the reduction of fear is to make it easier for people to accept themselves, to like themselves. -Bonaro W. Overstreet

Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be. -Thomas a Kempis.

We do not believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveals the human spirit. -E. E. Cummings

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. -Dennis Wholey

Never idealize others. They will never live up to your expectations. -Leo Buscaglia

Respect yourself and others will respect you. -Confucius

If I have lost confidence in myself, I have the universe against me. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Change/Growth/Learning

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power. -Alan Cohen

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better. -King Whitney Jr.

I am not afraid of storms, for I am learning how to sail my ship. -Louisa May Alcott

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.-Anais Nin

Moral excellence comes about as a result of habit. We become just by doing just acts, temperate by doing temperate acts, brave by doing brave acts. –Aristotle

Every step you take, is a step away from where you used to be. -Brian Chargualaf

If you're going through hell, keep going. -Winston Churchill

Instead of thinking about where you are, think about where you want to be. It takes twenty years of hard work to become an overnight success. –Diana Rankin

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work. -Thomas Alva Edison

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. -Anais Nin

I have learned this at least by my experiment: that if one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavours to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -Henry David Thoreau

Learning is not attained by chance, it must be sought for with ardor and attended to with diligence. -Abigail Adams, 1780, wife of John Adams

What is important is to keep learning, to enjoy challenge, and to tolerate ambiguity. In the end there are no certain answers. -Martina Horner, President of Radcliffe College

It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop. –Confucius

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it. -Helen Keller

Kindness

If someone is too tired to give you a smile, leave one of your own, because no one needs a smile as much as those who have none to give. -Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch

Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing. -Mother Teresa

Mistakes & Forgiveness

Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes. -Mahatma Gandhi

Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall. -Confucius

Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes. -Confucius

Always forgive your enemies--nothing annoys them so much. -Oscar Wilde

The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. -Mahatma Gandhi

Don't be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. -Ralph Waldo Emerson (attributed)

Hatred

Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man's sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true. -Martin Luther King Jr.

Princess Kye is kicking bulimia butt!

Since I got out some big garbage the other night, I've had lots more energy to do the things that are most important to me. I've been catching up on my sister (and brother!) blogs and seeing how everyone is doing.

I found some really good news over at Princess87's blog: http://www.princesskye87.blogspot.com/. She's focusing on her real heart-felt goals in life, and that seems to be making all the difference in her fight over bulimia. Check it out.

Getting unstuck - what do I really want?

So, again, I’m struggling with working on the book. It’s frustrating me because now when I’m alone is the perfect time to focus on it. While I was hiking the dogs yesterday (I did the WHOLE walk instead of taking short cuts like usual – I did this because I knew I wanted to feel proud of myself), I did Laurel Mellin’s process on it. I also did my own meditating on it last night. And, it seems like I have found my heart’s answer some layers of fear and denial and a bit of ego. What do you think?

This is how my process went with Laurel’s stuff. Remember the first section is pure, raw emotion – no filters and in most cases – no logic, no reason, no rationality. It could be complete nonsense in the real world – but our emotions are often irrational. That’s ok. This part of Laurel’s process is very often irrational – and by allowing it to just be free-flowing, once we’re done spewing our fears and irrationalities, we can see for ourselves how we are setting ourselves up to feel really crappy about ourselves and our world by subconsciously buying into the irrationality. The process is wonderful because we let it all out, and only then do we look back and acknowledge – wow, I’ve got some really nutty expectations for myself! How silly! People often end up giggling at themselves afterward. This takes away all the power of our silly fears and self-doubts and ridiculous expectations of ourselves  - which is almost always the downfall of a bulimic.

The thing I really want to learn and accept here is that there is always a TON of crap going on internally when you’re “stuck” on something – be it writing a book, forgiving a friend or family member, asking out a cutie, signing up to learn something new, beginning a project, whatever. It’s never as simple as it “should” be, because we are complex creatures – there’s old garbage and fears, irrational beliefs, ridiculous expectations, etc. Only by bringing it all up to the light can we begin to fight the old crap (even if we laugh it away) and really begin to decide what we truly want and how to best go about getting it.

So here goes – I don’t judge my raw emotion, please you don’t either. Just come along for the ride and see how I get transformed . . .

I feel angry that . . . I feel angry that I’m stuck on my writing. I’m angry that I promised I would have work for the publisher to review by now (actually by last month). I’m angry that I’m not disciplined enough to just sit down and write what’s already there in my head! I’m angry that once again I’m wasting this time while Todd is gone. I’m angry that I feel guilty and frustrated.

I feel sad that . . . I feel sad that I haven’t delivered what I promised to the publisher (who is the sweetest, most supportive and encouraging woman – and ex-bulimic herself) that I would deliver this time – I’ve let her down before. I feel sad that I’m letting myself down. I feel sad that I’m letting my readers down – the blog has become second to the book, and if I’m not writing the book, the blog certainly isn’t writing itself. I feel sad that Todd is probably sick of hearing about all the work I plan to do, and then I end up watching TV. I feel sad that I’m probably losing his respect.

I feel afraid that . . . I feel afraid that if I screw up with this publisher again, no one will ever want to work with me again. I feel afraid that I’m going to lose my readers because I keep over-promising and under-delivering. I feel afraid that even if I do get this book done, people will hate it. I feel afraid that I really don’t know how to teach others to recover from bulimia. I feel afraid that I’ll do more harm than good. I feel afraid that professionals and doctors will ridicule me. On the other hand, I feel afraid that no one will even read it or will just throw it on the heap of other marginally helpful self-help eating disorder books. I feel afraid that I’m going to spend so much of my life, my energy, my love on this, and then I’ll be disappointed or emotionally wrecked at the outcome. I feel afraid that if I continue to let time go by, I will forget the details of recovery that people really need to know. I’m afraid that if I stop working on the book, it’s only because of my lack of discipline – not because it’s what my heart wants.

I feel guilty that . . . I feel guilty that I over-promise and under-deliver. I feel guilty that I don’t have the energy needed to really be supportive to my readers. I feel guilty that I’m just not disciplined enough to even just begin writing. I feel guilty that I have this whole week to write, but I’ll wait until Todd is back and insist on staying alone in my room writing when he wants to hang out and do stuff together. I feel guilty that I have tons written on paper but I can’t seem to just sit down and type it all in! I feel guilty that I don’t even insist on using my lunch hour at work to get some stuff done. I feel guilty that I’m so undisciplined. I feel guilty that I’m letting my blog slip – and that makes me afraid that I will have lost all my readers by the time the stupid book is done!

Once again, this is the point where you will feel at your lowest and bought-in to the irrationality, so you have to make sure to keep going through the Limits part of the process . . .

Are my expectations reasonable? No. My unreasonable expectation is that I can be super, 100% efficient with my limited time all the time. My unreasonable expectation is that I can do everything and balance my 4 spheres (professional, relationships, spiritual, and personal) as well as I want to without something slipping. My unreasonable expectation is that I even WANT or NEED to be hyper-efficient to get everything done. My unreasonable expectation is that everyone has to love my ideas. My unreasonable expectation is that I have a tight deadline and have to get the book done immediately (I actually have no deadline at all). My unreasonable expectation is that my priorities will never change and that what seemed like the right pathway for my life a year and a half ago is the absolute correct path I must continue to follow. My unreasonable expectation is that I have to be perfect.

What is a reasonable expectation? A reasonable expectation is that I need to sit down, take a hard look at my “free” time and what my priorities are now. A reasonable expectation is that I will do my best to maintain balance among the 4 spheres – even if that means I have to let something slip for now. A reasonable expectation is that I do have a lot to contribute to the field of self-help bulimia recovery, even if it doesn’t change the field and bring recovery to every bulimic. A reasonable expectation is that my blog brings me a lot of satisfaction and love when I am dedicated to it. A reasonable expectation is that focusing on both the blog and the book will put me out of balance because of my limited free time. A reasonable expectation is that having a book published would be very cool and exciting, but it is not necessary to do good work or be a fulfilled person. A reasonable expectation is that I can work on the book in a second-hand way by focusing on writing good material in my blog.

What is the essential pain? The essential pain is that, yes, if I were more disciplined, I could probably get the book done AND write my blog AND stay in balance. The essential pain is that I simply don’t have the desire to push myself very hard on the book. The essential pain is that I have to accept and forgive myself for my limitations and my priorities.

What is the earned reward? The earned reward of focusing on writing for my blog rather than my book is that I will get more good feelings from the immediate feedback and support and ideas from my readers. The earned reward is that I can stop feeling guilty and fearful. The earned reward is that I will get lots more good writing done without the false pressure on myself.

Then, I stay on a roll with the good feelings:

I feel grateful that . . . I feel grateful that my day job has become more fulfilling, so I can take my time deciding how I really, honestly want to spend my future (keep bulimia recovery as a side mission or a full-time career, for which a book would be very important). I feel grateful that Todd really doesn’t care one way or another if I write a book or not – as long as I’m happy and he gets some portion of my time. I feel grateful that I’ve learned this process of Laurel’s to help me quickly and easily dig out all the crap that used to paralyze me in confusion and obsessive thinking, even after learning how to hear my heart.

I feel happy that . . . I feel happy that I’ve finally come to a rational and heart-felt honest decision about the book – it’s going to be a low priority that should never again come before my blog writing. I feel happy that I’m writing this and sharing it with my readers. I feel happy that I had a good, relaxed night last night alone. I feel happy that I’ve accepted the fact that I cherish balance over pushing myself too much in one sphere.

I feel secure that . . . I feel secure that I’m going to waste less and less time in my life as I get better at quickly uncovering the often irrational crap that paralyzes me from time to time. I feel secure that I will get better at staying in balance as best I can and continue to feel happy with my life and my decisions. I feel secure that I’m going to get some good blog writing done with ease this week – because I already have good stuff I wrote for the book, I’m just going to type it up and share it (for free, rather than in a purchased book) with my readers.

I feel proud that . . . I feel proud that I’ve learned this new tool of Laurel Mellin’s, and I’m proving to myself and hopefully to my readers that it works wonders! I feel proud that I know now that I can do good work without a book of my own. I feel proud that I got myself unstuck.

A little poetry from a reader

A reader, Nika, linked my last post to his (or her?) own blog since we were both feeling the same things when we wrote our individual posts. I want to highlight it here.

But, first, I want to consider how I don't even know if Nika is a man or a woman. I have to claim ignorance here, since I bet that if I was familiar with Nika's heritage, I would know by the name. Just like I know that "Jane" is most likely a girl and "Bob" is most likely a boy. I also assume that if I read his (or her) blogs in depth, I could figure it out - although maybe not . . . I've currently only checked out  the 2 linked posts, and then I meandered around Nika's many amazing photographs. And, I'm enchanted and can't wait to explore more.

I thought about writing Nika and just flat out asking, "are you a man or a woman?" But, I realized that I don't really want to know. My vision of Nika is just a "poet" and "artist," and there seems no need for any physical form. I don't even want to put Nika in the constraining box of gender.

With that said, maybe Nika will let us know. Or, maybe Nika will enjoy the mystery . . .

This is what she had to say in response to my last post about wanting to really feel all of life, even with its ups and downs. I'm so sick of keeping myself numb, afraid to feel, afraid of potential pain, so that I don't even feel all the joy and excitement, and yes, even the uncertainty and endless possibility of it all . . . I love it.

"and i say to myself, i want it all, the whole thing in its entirety, as real as it can get, and then some of its pain on top of it all- i want it all or none at all, and not delude myself with a quasi-real, or rather surreal, or perhaps unreal life made of illusions, delusions, past pains and future doubts- i rather take the pain of disappointment in the end, then have what will dissolve in the air with not even a memory left to remind what it was like... how it was... question whether i was even there in the first place... wonder how i got where i am... and not having a clue where it is that i'm going."

-http://inslowmtn.blogspot.com/2006/08/and-i-say-to-myself-i-want-it-all-life.html

Welcome and thank you, Nika!

**Update: aw damn. I went and read just a little more of Nika's site, and found out she is very clearly, 100% all woman! I was really enjoying the mystery.

My "meal plan" & "exercise plan"

I put "meal plan" and "exercise plan" in quotes cuz I never stick stringently to any plan. But, this is how I "tend" to eat and exercise, and so they set general guidelines.

I had a great weekend with friends, family, fun, and food. Funny how they all start with “f,” but it’s a good coincidence since they all certainly do go well together.

I made good choices on Sunday at our BBQ about what I ate . . . not the most healthy or low-cal, that’s for sure. But, I made good mindful choices for me. My “meal plan” for the day went like this:

*breakfast: ½ cup oatmeal with brown sugar.

*lunch: bowl of fake crab. I usually add mayo, scallion, and chili sauce, but I opted for very quick and easy so I could get back out to the pool asap.

*Then once people arrived for the BBQ, I ate as much of Todd’s famous guacamole and chips as I wanted cuz I LOVE good guac and we just don’t have it very often. So, this is what I chose to eat lots of. Then, I really enjoyed the good BBQ meatballs that we picked up at Costco (we’ll be getting these again for sure), so I ate a bunch of those. So, then, when the burgers and hotdogs came out, I didn’t even want one. Instead, I opted for 1.5 ears of sweet corn, a bit of Caesar salad, plenty of fresh watermelon, and a good helping of our neighbor, Lydia’s famous sausage and artichoke pasta. I finished off the day with a tasting of about 6 of Lydia’s newest cookie flavors.

After our BBQ and the birthday party we went to on Saturday night with all the beer and wine and food, I admit that I felt a bit pudgier in my clothes yesterday. This will happen quite often when you're living a life full of adventure and fun and relationships with others. Another post about it is here. But, instead of freaking out and feeling powerless, I have stayed calm and rational and loving. I don’t regret a thing. I didn’t chow mindlessly like I used to. I very consciously chose what I most enjoy (guacamole, meatballs) with oats, fruit, and veggies mixed in for balance. And, I said no to the things that lost their appeal over the afternoon (burgers).

Yesterday, I committed to putting in a little extra effort into my evening workout with Todd, and I walked the 6 flights of stairs to my office twice. My “meal plan” for the day went like this:

*breakfast: ½ container of cottage cheese (I TOLD you I like it quick and easy!).

*lunch: bowl of leftover sausage & artichoke pasta.

*snack: bowl of frozen peas (I also told you I eat weird stuff!).

*snack #2: 2 mini butterfinger candy bars.

*dinner: tons of freshly cut watermelon, broccoli with butter and salt, small rotisserie chicken leg with hummus, and ½ Deluscious cookie.

I’m proud of myself for staying responsible and mindful, creative and optimistic, and for never once judging myself or indulging in guilt or panic. I’ve remained cheerful, self-loving, self-respecting, and so very grateful that I’ve learned to make healthy but also fun choices for my body. I have that power now, and it’s amazing.

Today, my “meal plan” will probably go like this:

*breakfast: ½ cup oatmeal with brown sugar & 2 teaspoons of freshly ground flax seed.

*lunch: ½ container of fake crab meat with a little mayo.

*snack: all the leftover watermelon.

*snack #2: 2 mini butterfinger candy bars.

*dinner: grilled teriyaki salmon with avocado, grilled carrots & onions, salad with goat cheese, and ½ Deluscious cookie.

Of course, if there is any food leftover from business meetings, I will also enjoy (if available):

*all the fruit I can snag,

*all the raw or grilled veggies I can snag,

*all the salad I can stand.

Cuz these are pure bonuses to take good care of my body & mind.

So, this is how I generally eat during the day. Generally it’s cottage cheese, oatmeal, cereal, soup, fake crab salad, or dinner or business meeting leftovers. I snack on frozen peas, dry cereal, or whatever fruit and veggies I can find among the leftovers (you see, I’m also extremely frugal with my money and for better or worse much prefer to find my snacks than buy them!). My second snack always comes from the candy dish. My dinners are thankfully filled with much more variety, although of course they’re occasionally more fattening. At least once every 2 weeks or so, we enjoy our favorites:

*old skool tacos,

*Todd’s gourmet pizza,

*grilled steaks,

*salmon,

*quiche,

*spring rolls.

Todd always serves dinner with a salad and/or lots of grilled or steamed veggies to fill up on, but we never skimp on butter or salad dressing.

My exercise plan is like this: I generally workout with Todd after work for about 40 minutes about 3 nights a week (we shoot for 4, but it doesn’t always happen), I walk up the 6 flights of stairs to my office 5 days per week, and I hike with Todd and the dogs for about an hour most Saturdays and Sundays. And, that’s it. I’m happy and healthy and very proud of my choices, and, damn it, I LOOK FABULOUS!

   

Family, celebration, & food

It’s funny – I just realized that today, June 25, is my dad and step-mother’s 29^th anniversary. Their 25^th anniversary in 2002 is exactly why and when they decided to disown my sister and me. They didn’t think we were making big enough plans to celebrate it, and it hurt them. Oh well. It’s too bad. It seems so appropriate that I would call and wish them a happy anniversary today. But, we all agree that we’re just too different to really “get” each other without getting all upset, let alone ever be able to be family again. It really is the best thing. But, if you’re reading this, dad and Sandy, I do hope you’re having a good day and still finding lots to love in each other.

More pleasant family news: today some of Todd’s family is coming to stay with us and have a big barbeque and pool party with us and some of Todd’s other friends who are close with his family, too. His brother and sister-in-law and their 3 kids are coming in at about 3 pm and staying overnight as a stop-over before flying out to Hawaii tomorrow. They’ve had a really nice family weekend as they slowly meander up to LA from San Diego: yesterday they went to the Queen Mary and to Knott’s Berry Farm water park and then stayed in a hotel somewhere last night. I think for tonight, we may set up my tent out back for the kids. If I were a kid still – I would enjoy that. Hell, I still would enjoy that!

This day is a very good example of why it’s so good to be recovered and be totally ok with normal food. It’s going to be chaotic and fun and happy. I wouldn’t want to have to leave the party to go make myself a special meal. We’re going to have a wide selection of burgers, hot dogs, sausage, and BBQ meatballs along with ceasar salad, chips & guacamole, potato chips, nuts, and watermelon. I LOVE and am so THANKFUL that I can eat anything I want now. Not necessarily as MUCH as I want, of course, but I can eat and enjoy small amounts of absolutely anything.

Last night we went to a birthday party where there was plenty of food. Again, I enjoyed eating little bits of everything. There was some beautiful fruit and crudite that I ate lots of, but I also sampled the cheese and crackers, my favorite cookies, and really enjoyed the hot meatballs. I also shared with Todd a slice of the absolutely crazy good chocolate mousse cake.

Life is to be sampled and enjoyed. Some things you’ll really enjoy, and you’ll have a little more of those. Some things you won’t really enjoy, and you’ll put those down and forget them without thinking twice.

I admit that it’s easier for me to not think a lot about what I eat since Todd cooks our dinners. I plan my breakfast and lunch to be as quick and easy –and nutritious- as possible. But, I eat whatever Todd cooks for dinner. It’s worked out beautifully for me this way because, mostly . . .

I’m just so damn tired of thinking about food!

I spent 14 years of my life thinking about precious little else, and I’m sick of it.

I simply want my food every day to be balanced and nutritious with plenty of veggies, fruit, whole grains, lean protein, healthy oils, and a small dose of “fun” food (chocolate, chips, ice cream, whatever). What I actually eat everyday . . . I don’t necessarily care, as long as it meets these overall goals.

Aren’t you tired of thinking about food, too? There are so many other things to think about that would really please you, don’t you think?

Be creative in solving your problems!

I have to give a speech today for Toastmasters, but I plan to get to work on Exercise #2 for you guys tonight.

I just wanted to quickly tell you how I solved a problem of mine - accidentally, actually. You know how I get all worked up during my work commutes - I get impatient and stressed and sometimes more than a little pissy. Well, I think I've figured out how to avoid all that! I'm listening to a "book on tape" from the library. I meant to take out a book, but I got the CDs instead. And, it's been awesome. It's on Personal Finance, which has become quite an interest of mine lately (I'll share some stuff with you soon). So, during what used to be an upleasant time for me 5 days a week, I'm now pleasantly learning and growing and improving myself. What a great deal! I actually now look forward to my commutes, and I'm much happier and more at peace and feel proud of myself for learning.

Try it for yourself!

Real life will always be up & down . . .

For our weight, that is.

Yes, that is something you will have to learn to accept and deal with – without obsessing or getting even remotely fearful - as you recover and leave this awful addiction behind you for good.

I’ll share . . .

I told you how I got pretty pudgy while in Hawaii from those amazing (but damned!) tropical blended drinks that Todd made every evening. I didn’t want to miss out on them during my first trip to Hawaii, so I figured I would just ignore my body completely and, in time once I got back to my regular routine of good eating, regular exercise and no crazy fattening drinks, the weight would just come off on its own. I’m happy to report that that is exactly what happened. After 2 weeks (including one weekend at Todd’s parent’s), with no change in my regular routine at all, I felt skinny and proud of myself again. I was happy because this the first time I honestly didn’t worry or feel panicked about the excess weight.

But, the skinniness didn’t last long!

For Todd’s birthday, our dear friend and neighbor, who owns the incredible homemade cookie company called “Deluscious Cookies,” gave him a whole box of our favorites! Of course, I also got a Coldstone Creamery ice cream cake for his party last Friday. So, we have had a ridiculous amount of very tempting goodies in our house.

·          Before recovery, I wouldn’t have been able to keep away from any of it. And, of course, since both are very expensive to replace, it would have been particularly traumatic for me – financially and psychologically. I would have eaten the rest of the cake for sure and replaced it with half missing to look like it had never been touched. Yes, Todd, that's how bad I was.

·          After recovery, thank God, I no longer feel any abnormal interest in binging (I use “abnormal” since anyone with even a small sweet-tooth would be tempted by these delicious treats). But, of course, Deluscious cookies are my favorite, and I’ve enjoyed at least one or two per day since Friday. That, on top of all the good eating we did all weekend in celebration, and I’ve regained some of that chubbiness that I’ve lost.

So, what am I going to do?

1.       get back into daily work-outs with Todd after work,

2.       climb the 6 flights up to my office every work-day morning for some extra calorie-burning,

3.       forego taking dinner left-overs to work for lunch and just stick with my usual (ok – so my breakfast and lunch are usually “safe” foods – but it works for me 5 days per week).

4.       load up on the veggies & salad we always have with dinner, so I can eat a little less than normal of the main course if it’s fattening.

5.       wear looser fitting clothes this week,

6.       be very grateful that I live in a time, place, and mental state where I can enjoy treats and celebrations with people I love and who I know love me. I will accept and even cherish the ups and downs as part of a good, full, and memorable life.

7.       be very grateful to understand and trust that this is very temporary,

8.       remind myself that even though I feel pudgy and many of my clothes are tight, I’m NO LESS healthy, thin, or attractive (or downright HOT to my man!) in reality.

What am I NOT going to do?

1.       obsess about it – outside of writing about it here in the blog, I simply refuse to dwell on it. I am the master of my thoughts, and since my thoughts control my emotions and energy level, I will push any fear or self-judgment away and focus instead on the good things in my every day.

2.       get fearful that I have “lost control” over myself or my life. Everything I eat or drink is MY CHOICE. I take ownership of the repercussions as well.

3.       restrict what I can and cannot eat, including my daily afternoon chocolates and my Deluscious cookies. This is the quickest and surest path to a binge for anyone.

4.       skip meals or stop eating whatever main dish Todd cooks for dinner. Again, denying myself food is just obsessive, depressing, and not at all in line with how I want to live (and enjoy) each day.

5.       wear clothes that I know won’t fit well. Why depress myself on purpose?! My goal is to feel content, if not happy and excited, every day. I am my best friend, and it is up to me to take the absolute best, most nurturing care of myself 24/7.

6.       hide my body in shame. Last Saturday and Sunday, Todd and I had the house to ourselves, so we enjoyed naked sunbathing and swimming in the backyard pool all afternoon. I really enjoy that, and I’m going to continue to share that with Todd no matter how I feel about my particular state of thinness.

Since I’ve already eaten my favorite cookies and can therefore resist the others better, I feel pretty sure that I’ll be back feeling great about myself by the end of the weekend. I’ll keep you posted.

Having fun and still learning!

Hello everyone (if you're still checking my blog for new posts!)! I haven't forgotten about you! In fact, I've been thinking about you all quite a bit. I've had so much going on, that ALL I could do was think about you. Actually, that's not entirely true - the truth is that SO much has gone on, and SO much time has passed, I've been a bit overwhelmed when thinking about how to get caught up on the blog! Overwhelm is a terrible waste of time and energy, though. The best solution is to just BEGIN. I won't promise to get caught up all in one day, but by chipping away a bit each day, it's impossible NOT to get caught up soon!

Where to begin? Todd & I were in Hawaii for 6 days. That was a beautiful and fun time.

Although, I did end up gaining quite a few pounds. I was eating very well, and we got out to hike or swim almost every day. BUT - every day Todd made these crazy blended drinks that must have been about 500 calories each (and we each had 2 for happy hour each night!). They were all fresh pina coladas, mostly coconut and coconut milk with mango and pineapple and, of course, lots of Malibu rum. I watched myself get pudgier and pudgier every day. But, I wanted to enjoy those drinks, and so I made the choice to worry about it when we got home.

We were in bathing suits probably 80% of each day, and so I had to focus on my enjoyment of the experience and not on what would really be very temporary pudge. I admit I had to work actively on this. But, my efforts paid off greatly - I had a wonderful, carefree time and didn't miss a single pleasurable experience. Todd and I even went skinny dipping in the pool under the waterfall in the 3rd photo above. And, I let him take some naked pictures of me! I would NEVER have allowed that before when I was feeling even remotely pudgy! I chose to let the experience thrill me, while I ignored any and all self-judgment. Here is a photo from the first day - this is what I normally look like. Not too bad for a 14-year bulimic, just over a year recovered!

Then, the next weekend, we were down in La Jolla with Todd's family for their annual Kentucky Derby party. Yes, all the big, flowery hats came out for it! As Derby tradition calls for, we had southern cooking . . . Kentucky Fried chicken and bisquits!

This was exciting for me since this was the first time I've had KFC since I was actively bulimic. KFC used to be my absolute favorite binge splurge as I mentioned way back in January of 2005 (in Tips for Minimizing Harm). Throughout the day (we were there from about 10:30 am until 8 pm or so), I enjoyed with no problem about 3 (or 4?) chicken legs, half a thigh (stole it from Todd) and 2 bisquits, plus plenty of other food like Asian cole slaw, strawberries, chips and guacamole, and cake for dessert. The strange thing was that I didn't even find the chicken to be that good (although the bisquits were awesome!). I think the bulk of the thill of binging on it was just that it represented such unhealthy, fatty food to me. As I was enjoying the chicken, the thought of eating a whole bucketful like I used to do seemed like an impossibility, as well as very unappealing. The beautiful thing was that binging on it or purging it that day seemed the absolute remotist possibility.

Then, THIS weekend has been jam-packed with good stuff: 1) today is Todd's birthday, so we've been celebrating since Friday night, and 2) yesterday was our 9 month anniversary, which is a personal milestone since Todd used to say his girlfriends always seemed to get wacky after about 9 months of dating! Thanks to my coaching a year and a half ago, I am no longer a wacky, unpredictable, scary girlfriend! I sure used to be - just ask any of my ex's. But, Todd has got the best Michelle I ever thought I could be. I'll have photos of his birthday celebration(s) later.

I hope you're all doing well. I'll write more later. And, please remember - even though I go away sometimes, I'll always be back. This blog and this community is VERY important to me. I'm here for you, ok?

With great love, understanding, and respect,

Michelle

Update on my “recovery" after year 1

Hi all. Wow, so much time has passed since I’ve written. I guess my schedule has been relatively tight. But, I’ve continued to try to respond to the emails I get. I’m sorry if I don’t get back to you right away.

I want to give you all an update on how I’m progressing since recovery to give you some more information about what to expect.

Although regular readers know I don’t like to count days of abstinence, I guess it’s helpful to put a time on how long I’ve been recovered. I believe I entered recovery back in about February 2005 or so, a bit over a year ago. Have I binged & purged since then? Absolutely. But, I would still swear up and down that I’m recovered, because I’ve long gotten past that stage where I don’t know how to get through a day without it; because I no longer need a coping mechanism to help me make every little decision or to simply function; because food and my body are extremely fleeting concerns that rear up when I’m hungry and when I’m getting dressed (like any normal person). I only think about bulimia when I’m thinking about posting here on my blog.

Recovery is developing new, healthy habits of thinking and interpreting the world around you. Since our old bad habits are profoundly ingrained, it takes experience and time and dedication to really get fully rid of them. We may not be tested until well after we’ve stopped actively binging and purging. Perhaps years later. And, perhaps your old habits will come rushing to the surface, and you’ll have a slip. But, that’s ok. You can’t live your life worrying that you’ll blow your recovery if a bad situation comes up and takes you by surprise. You can’t live your life worrying that if you throw up once you’ll spiral back into the abyss. As long as you have truly learned how to trust yourself, forgive yourself, stop judging yourself, care tenderly about yourself, and learn from every life experience how to better care for yourself, you absolutely won’t spiral back down. But, until you’ve mastered to some degree all of these components, you won’t have a long-lasting, successful recovery – no matter what else you’ve learned.

Anyway, let’s get to the update:

1)       my body. It’s a contradiction, I have to admit. I’ve been working out after work and going on long hikes on the weekends, so I feel my body is stronger and more toned than I can remember. Every morning when I shower, I check out my increasingly toned body in the mirror, and I feel proud and sexy and beautiful. I enjoy watching the changes in my body, especially in my arms. I’m getting some cool definition there. But, when I go to get dressed, many of my pants are either on the tight side or don’t fit at all! I admit it – it’s confusing! But, it’s not at all frightening or depressing or anything negative –other than the fact that I can’t wear some of my old favorites anymore. I really do feel good about my body. And, Todd got me a super hot Juicy bikini for Valentine’s Day, and I can’t wait to show it and my new body off!

I think I’ve leveled out at this weight (whatever it may be – I don’t have a scale). Some days I feel a little bigger; some days I feel a little smaller. No, I’m not as small as I used to be when I was bulimic and didn’t work out at all. But, I’m honestly, truly happy with myself. Sure, a smaller butt might be better technically, but I don’t want to have to eat any less than I do or change my current eating habits at all to get it. I like my current balance of eating, working out, and my size.

2)       My eating. My eating is all over the board now, and I don’t obsess or worry about it at all! I still usually eat cottage cheese for breakfast since I know I feel better with more protein and little to no carbs for breakfast. I still tend to eat soup and snacks of veggies, fruit, oats or cereal and dinner left-overs for lunch and snacks. And, for dinner, I eat whatever my boyfriend cooks! Seriously, I have very little control over what he makes for us. That probably horrifies most of you to imagine! But, it’s been great. Todd is a fabulous cook, and he loves to eat pretty healthy stuff, but he also enjoys his olive oil and butter and cream. I’ve learned that I can enjoy everything he makes, but I also need to really pay attention to my belly. When I’m full, I need to push the plate away (even though it’s all so yummy!) and wrap it up for tomorrow. I love that he makes a salad and/or veggies every night. But, with my veggies, I eat quiche, pizza, steak, mashed potatoes, fish, pot roast, tacos, you name it. He also gets gourmet with his rack of lamb, crab cakes, scallops, and California rolls. We eat a lot of cheese and crackers and drink a lot of wine. I also eat at least 4 little bite-sized chocolates or some kind of dessert every day. Todd makes an incredible chocolate mousse and flourless chocolate cake. I cherish every bite.

You see, I have learned that I can trust myself to know how to balance my entire diet. I enjoy trying to make sure I get at least a little bit of every food group every day. I want to take great care of my body and my nutritional needs. But, I also want to indulge on occasion in all of life’s pleasures and treats. That is what is making my life feel full and exciting and passionate.

3)       My career. I’ve changed my mind on things since recovery. While working with my coach, I was very ambitious. I felt that I had gone through 14 years of bulimia and rage and etc. for a reason: to prepare me to help others. Remember when I was praying that I would get laid off so I would have time to finish writing my book and to get into coaching full-time? Remember how later I decided that I should finish up my book part-time after work since it might take years to write and publish? Remember later still when my relationship with my boyfriend and my home life became increasingly important to me? Well, I had to reevaluate what my heart really wanted for me right in the near term. And, I realized that my relationship and home life too important to make third in my list of time consumption (work, book, boyfriend). There’s plenty of time in my life to get that book done and change careers. Right now, my relationship is an incredible blessing and gift, and it simply gives me the most joy and excitement for life. Everything else will come in its own time.

And, I’m proud of myself for these decisions. Because I made them on my own with no regard for anyone else’s opinions or judgments. Because I’ve continued to feel very happy about the results of those decisions.

4)       My hair. This is an interesting one. I have been turning gray since I was about 14 years old. I began coloring my hair right after college when I began earning an income. And, I HATE it! I’m way too cheap to have to spend $130 for cut and color every few months. And, thanks to 14 years of bulimia and persistent anxiety, my hair is very brittle and dry and frizzy. The color makes it better for a few weeks, but then it looks even worse. Perhaps that will improve over time since recovery, but right now, it’s still a mess. I realized that I need to extend my new healthy habits of thinking to how I deal with my hair.

I realized that I spend a LOT of time upset about the PROBLEM. That does absolutely nothing to solve the problem of my gray hair, and in fact it adds to the problem since now I’m upset! I decided to focus for once on my options and think creatively about it. I asked myself, “what can I choose to make myself as happy as possible about the situation?”

I realized:

1) nothing will make the problem go away. Either I’m going to be gray or I’m going to have to continue to spend a lot of money on it.

2) I can only decide how to react to the problem. I can continue to get it colored professionally, I can do it myself to save some money and still cover the gray, or I can just let it go.

3) Since I tried coloring it myself for about a year or so straight about 10 years ago, and it was the unhealthiest (and the strangest color) it’s ever been, I don’t want to go that route.

4) I would like to let it go and see what happens.

SOO, I decided to stop coloring my hair for awhile! I’m curious to see what it and I look like with the gray grown out a bit. Plus, I’m super excited about pocketing all that extra money each year. Todd doesn’t seem to mind either, although that’s just a bonus. Maybe I’ll take some of that extra cash and get it cut just a bit more often. That will help it look better, too, at less than half the cost. I’ll keep you posted on how I feel after a party or something. I’ll need to remind myself that making myself happy is the only thing that matters here.

I gotta go home to my man and my babies (my 4 dogs)!! More tomorrow!

For continued inspiration and education . . .

My new friend, Sharon, wrote to recommend that I check out the wellness and inspirational Internet radio programs available at Hay House radio. I've been a fan of Hay House's books and other spiritual-health products for a long time, but I haven't listened to their programming (cuz then I'd NEVER get my work done!). One of my favorite author/speakers, Dr. Wayne W Dyer, is a regular on the station. People pay a lot of money to see him live - I imagine you could still get a lot of value from his free radio program.

If you can listen in during the day, I would also like to recommend HealthyLife.net for more inspirational web radio shows and interviews. I was actually interviewed for one of their programs by host Moira Shepard on her program, Triumph over Trauma, back in July. I've been meaning to ask them for a CD of the program . . . perhaps I could offer it on my site as a download (if anyone was interested . . . ;-P ).

Check them out!

2005 in review

Wow. It’s been a big year for me. So many positive things have happened in my life. The biggest headline of course is that I began coaching (mid-January) with the goals of learning to control my anxiety, anger, and sheer unpredictability of my moods. I hoped deep inside that I could also conquer my bulimia, but I didn’t really consciously believe it was possible. After 14 years with bulimia as my best, most reliable friend in the world, it seemed too much a inseparable part of “me.” It was how I coped with life. I felt so much better, healthier, more in control of all the chaos in the world and in my head to really even want to try to quit.

But, that’s why my coaching was such a miracle. As we worked on what I considered my bigger problems, I felt stronger and braver and more understanding and respectful of myself. My coach pushed me to take risks to face my fears and anxieties, and he helped me prove to myself that I can, believe it or not, make good decisions for myself; I CAN trust myself. I can be honest with myself about my wants and needs because they’re ok and valid and “good.” I just simply hadn’t learned how to connect with and trust that part of me that always knows what’s best for me: my heart and core values.

With my coach’s guidance, I dug through all I had learned I should be and what I should value in life and in myself. I realized what was really me and what was superficial crap that only encaged me and made me feel bad about myself because, while I thought I just wasn’t good enough to be what I should be, in reality, those characteristics just weren’t important enough to me for me to work at them.

Take shopping for example. I felt I should love to shop and have lots of cute clothes and accessories. I’m a girl, for God’s sake, and I had only a handful of shoes! I should have the perfect outfit for every occasion. Every weekend (seriously EVERY weekend), I would beat myself up because I just couldn’t get up the energy to go out shopping. I thought terribly of myself for being lazy, for being cheap, for a myriad of reasons I made up in my head. Through recovery, I learned to respect that I simply do not enjoy shopping. I have plenty of clothes for most occasions, and if I need something, I’ll go get it then. I will no longer beat myself up because I simply don’t value shopping. What I do value is spending time with my dogs, reading, writing, contemplating, or hanging out just floating around my pool on beautiful summer days. Later, when I began dating my boyfriend, I valued spending time with him: hiking, cooking, watching movies, even exercising with him! All THESE are what I SHOULD be doing. This is just a little example of all the “revaluing” I did of everything in my life in recovery.

Whenever I catch myself saying “I HAVE TO,” I stop myself to think whether or not that’s true. Who says I have to? Society? My peers? My own expectations for how I think I SHOULD be living my life? I also ask myself, “is this activity inline with my goals and wants for a happy, fulfilling life and future?” Sometimes, lying around the house is not inline with my goals when there are meaningful things to be done. Sometimes, when I’ve taken care of my responsibilities and I’ve done a good job, lying around the house is exactly inline with my goals.

How do I know the difference? It’s definitely NOT by asking the opinions of others. It’s only by consciously consulting with my heart and core values that I know for sure.

My other headlines for 2005:

·          I got out of my last uneven relationship where I suppress everything I want and what’s important to me to meet the needs and expectations of someone else.

·          I got into my first really healthy, adult relationship where I can openly and honestly express what I want. Todd also showed me the joys of having dinner together every night. I had never experienced it. It’s such an enjoyable time for us and such a blessing. Plus, Todd LOVES to shop for clothes for me! So, suddenly I’ve got a closet full of new fun clothes and shoes! AND, now I’m getting much more exercise with him: hiking and working out.

·          I began my blog on January 18, with the intention of documenting my recovery: the ups and downs. Within a month, I felt I was comfortably in recovery from all my afflictions, even bulimia. I would have my stumbles here and there, but I never looked back and never again worried about slipping back to my full blown, out of control anxiety, rage or bulimia.

·          I wrote an eBook with all the lessons I had learned from my coach. I began working on a full length book with all the lessons in detail, plus all the daily and weekly exercises required to make new skills into deep rooted habits. If all goes as planned, Gürze books will be publishing my book in a year or so. At that point, I plan to quit my current job and begin working to help others full-time!

·          I actually did what I used to think would be impossible: I forgave my father for all his mistakes that led me to feel hurt. I forgave him for how he treated my sister and my mother as well.

·          I came to accept my sister, Leslie’s, suicide. I now can feel the pain and loss, but I also choose to focus on all the beautiful happy times we shared. And, I feel so blessed and lucky that I had her in my life for 34 years.

Everyday still holds surprises for me as I realize just how much better my life is and how I really can handle all the little challenges that pop up every day. I have seen the fruit of my good decisions for me, and I gain increasing confidence that I can trust myself completely and unconditionally as long as I take guidance from my heart and not my fearful, ego-driven head. I have unearthed my compassion and appreciation for other humans (although I still prefer furry little wet-nosed creatures to people in general). I still fight to not feel angry or resentful at strangers (particularly while driving or in crowded areas), but now I know for certain that my little irritations will not explode into my old rages.

There is so much more that I’ve learned this year, but we get a half day at work today, and Todd and I are heading back down to his parent’s place in La Jolla. Tonight, his brother and sister-in-law are hosting dinner for ALL of us: that’s 8 adults and 5 kids (plus 1 dog)!! And, I’m ready to go.

I hope you all have a wonderful New Year’s celebration! You’re one year closer to finding your true self and the life you were truly meant to live: one in peace and joy and fulfillment and love.

My lesson from watching football . . .

As I was watching a football game with my boyfriend last night, it occurred to me what incredible lessons can be learned by playing a team sport during our formative years. I went so far as to develop the opinion that all junior and senior high school-aged kids should be highly encouraged to participate on a competitive team sport of any kind during those stressful, uncertain ages.

I watched as a guy, who gets paid millions of dollars for playing this game, fumbled a ball he clearly should have caught. It was a big mistake for his team. Did he go off and hide thinking what a lousy failure he is, how he can’t do anything right? Of course not! He got right back in line for the next play. He pushed his feelings about the previous play aside and recommitted to doing the best job he possibly could going forward.

In our lives, if we make a mistake, we seem to like to replay it over and over in our minds. We like to judge ourselves by it, even define ourselves by it. We wallow, suddenly more fearful of having the opportunity to screw things up again. The football player didn’t have time to wallow, and if he did like to wallow, he certainly wouldn’t have made it very far in his career. He would have been benched and tossed off the team long ago. He wouldn’t be worth much if he’s afraid to make a mistake on the field – he wouldn’t be confident enough, bold enough, intimidating enough.

In team sports, individuals will always make mistakes. But, their teammates accept that they will all make a mistake at some point. They learn that the best way to handle it is to offer their support and encouragement to get back up, shake it off, and get right back in the game. Any lingering self-blame or doubt will only mess up the next play. Shake it off! The next play could be your chance to shine, to be the hero! Go for it!

In team sports, people learn how to share in the effort and the glory for the benefit of the team. Rather than risk losing the ball on their own, they pass it to someone who just happens to be in better position. They don’t begrudge the “stars” on the team, because they know that everyone on the team has a critical role. The star wouldn’t be a star without his teammates to pass him the ball. When the star succeeds, the whole team succeeds, and they all share the glory together.

People who play team sports learn that there will always be people they can rely on, people they can trust, even when things get hairy and down to the wire. They know they’re never alone out there. These people learn that mistakes are human and are certainly not the end of the world. They learn that the game isn’t over until it’s over, and they should never give up: even huge disparities in score can be often made up with dogged determination, hard work, and team commitment and belief. And, they learn that losses are all part of the game. One team will always lose, but when you work hard, you can keep your own team’s losses to a minimum. A loss is no reflection on the team as individual contributors. A loss doesn’t mean they didn’t enjoy the game. And, a loss doesn’t dampen their enthusiasm or optimism for the next game.

I played softball and soccer only up until junior high. I did learn some lessons then, but apparently I forgot them going into the more doubtful teen years. I wonder how I would have handled things had I been part of a competitive team . . .

On Balance

Things are going well! I’m not posting so regularly since I’m so focused on writing my book. But, my thoughts of all of you are keeping me motivated.

This weekend, I got a decent amount written. My goal is to write about 12 pages per week and get a solid draft done in 6 months. If I weren’t so damn beat at the end of the weekday, I could get it done much more quickly. But, the only way to be much more productive would be to quit my day job. Believe me, I thought long and hard about it. I even asked at work about a leave of absence, but the best I could do is 30 days. And, that would really screw my department. Plus, then my job wouldn’t necessarily be here at the end since I would have to completely train someone to do my job for those 30 days.

I decided that it would be best for me to keep my job and just take a little more time to get the book done. Even nine months isn’t that long, really. Plus, I’m very lucky to have a supportive boyfriend this time who wants me to have balance: between time with him and time to write. And, I’ve actually grown a spine so for the first time ever I can communicate with a man about what time and space I need. It’s funny that a new boyfriend would be so involved, but remember that we live together!

I’ve been striving for good balance even though my head keeps telling me I should just be writing, writing. I’ve learned that balance is critical to staying on my path. So, I’ve been making sure to put down my writing and make time with Todd – be it hiking or watching a movie, time with friends – be it phone calls or partying at Octoberfest, and time for rest – including naps on weekends and long breakfasts over Us Magazine.

It’s been a really fun time with Todd, actually. We’re currently in between third roommates: one moved out a couple weeks ago, and the other doesn’t move in until mid-October. It’s so great playing house with him! But, the beautiful thing about our house is that we each still have our own bedroom and bathroom! I think every married couple should not only have space of their own, but also their own bathrooms. It’s great!

**Be warned: really mushy love stuff below**

Todd is definitely the most generous man I’ve ever dated. He keeps bringing me gifts! And, he’s got great taste! On Friday and Sunday, he went to the Fred Siegel half-off sale. On Friday, he brought me home this awesome pink (my favorite color) Juicy baby–doll type shirt (I’ll take a photo of it tonight) that’s at the same time very sexy and very sweet. It’s my first Juicy clothing. I wore it Friday night when he took me out to this great dinner at Cobras & Matadors. It’s BYO, so we brought a favorite wine and enjoyed a beer outside while we waited for our table. I felt like it was my birthday that night! Todd also gave me a wonderful candle and two scented body oils. That candle burns constantly while I write. On Sunday, he brought me a Cosa Bella bra and pair of panties. Yummy!! Cosa Bella makes the best women’s underwear & lingerie in the world! I’ll have it forever. They both fit me perfectly, and I love them!

Plus, the man is a WICKED cook. He cooks, and I clean up. It’s a great partnership with each of us thinking we got the better end of the deal. I have to say that it’s been weird and yet wonderful to have regular meals with him. Even as a child, I didn’t have regular meals. I can see now why it’s so much healthier and happier than trying to avoid meals or eat just my safe foods at night. I was a little worried about it at first – like I was going to gain weight. But, it’s been fine. Plus, since he always makes a balanced meal, I don’t get cravings for crappy food. He likes to keep a bin full of chocolate and a freezer full of Ben & Jerry’s. But, I’m actually ok with it. I can enjoy a little bit at a time or none at all – just like a normal person, can you believe it? We eat lots of things I used to consider forbidden –cheese, butter, prosciutto, ham, pepperoni. One night we made tacos with all the fillings, other nights we’ve had his specialties, quiche or pizza. One Sunday, he cooked this amazing and hearty bean/sausage soup that simmered all afternoon. He also likes to make a salad to accompany most things, so it’s all very healthy. I’ve learned that I can enjoy some of everything that he makes – whatever it is. I know now that I can consistently, day after day, eat until I’m full and then put the rest away for tomorrow.

My time with him has made me more confident in myself that I can make the right decisions for me, and be happy and satisfied at the same time. I’ve learned to really find fun and adventure in food again. I don’t worry at all about what he’s going to make because when I eat in moderation, nothing can hurt me. I don’t fear food anymore. I don’t need to control it anymore.

I could go on and on about Todd. I could tell you about Saturday night when we went to Octoberfest and danced and danced and danced. I could tell you about when he says to me, “I’m so happy you’re my girlfriend.” I could tell you about how he tucks my dog into her dog-bed every night with kisses, but then he ends up cuddled up with her in our bed every morning. I could tell you about how he put my hair in braids for me the other night. We’re a great fit, and I’m thankful and joyful every moment.

Appreciation for my changed life

Last night, my plans for the evening made a quick, last minute change. It seems so harmless – at 6:20 pm, my boss came in my office and asked if I would like to go to a Dodger’s game.

But, by 6:20 pm in my past, I would have had my evening binge already planned out in detail. I would be counting the minutes until I could get out of the office, get to the grocery store or fast food place, and get back home to my room and TV as quickly as I could.

And, admittedly, my first reaction after he asked me was to decline. Certainly, I couldn’t just change my plans at a moment’s notice. Plus, I hadn’t had any time to eat something healthy for dinner, because there was no way I could eat any of the crap they serve at sporting events – WB executives’ box or not. If I went hungry, I would be setting myself up for a binge. And, that would be completely unacceptable in front of my boss and his boss’s boss and many co-workers. No, I’ll just have to miss it. “Maybe next time. Thanks anyway.”

But, that was then, and this is now. I’m a completely different person. And, last night exemplifies that for me.

After my initial, gut reaction to decline, I reconsidered. A Dodger’s game would be fun. And, I don’t get invited to sit in the executives’ box too often. Sometimes I get insecure around the higher-ups and sales guys that will probably be there. But, I decided to take a risk and potentially be a little uncomfortable in exchange for a bit of an adventure. I said, “why not?”

And, yes, I ate dinner there – a foot-long hotdog covered in cheese and nachos covered with more cheese, meat, beans, and guacamole. And, you know what? I enjoyed every bite! It was a very fun treat! I never eat like that, so I enjoyed it like a gift. Plus, I figured I won’t be craving hot dogs or nachos for a long, long time now!

I had a couple beers and a couple glasses of wine. I met some new people, and I got to know some co-workers a little better. I didn’t concern myself with talking with anyone I didn’t really want to talk with. And, it ended up being a very enjoyable evening.

Then, on top of that, I got to go home to the loving arms of my new boyfriend. I brought home two different desserts from the stadium dessert cart to share with him. And, I felt very blessed. He didn’t treat me, as some of my past boyfriends did, with jealousy or suspicion about my last minute plans. He was just glad that I had fun and that I was now home, in time for some good snuggling before it was time to sleep.

And, I slept so very well – with a smile on my lips and joy in my heart.

A "normal" girl having fun in the summer

Hi everyone. I hope you're all having a great summer so far. I'm sorry I haven't written much, but I've had a lot going on. Mostly, it was an internal tug-of-war for my time.

Part of me just wants to be "normal" - enjoying the summer with BBQs, hanging out in my pool, hanging with friends, going on dates, etc. The other part of me has been feeling like I "should" continue working hard on my long-term goals each week. This has been especially difficult since I'm still working with my coach, and his job is to help keep me motivated and moving forward. It's hard to keep telling him week after week that I haven't done my work! I finally had to tell him that I would prefer skipping our weekly calls and instead just meet with him in person once a month. That's what feels best to me to right now.

After struggling with this for almost 2 months, I've decided to take it easy on myself for the summer. After 14 years of self-abuse, I think that taking a couple of months to play is perfectly reasonable.

And, really, it's been great! I have a new female roommate that I get along with amazingly! She'll build a fire inside or outside in our chiminea, and we'll just hang out talking. I see no reason to interrupt our conversations to go hide in my room with my writing. I've missed out too much on human interaction in my life.

Since I’ve been hanging around the house on weekends instead of always going to my ex-boyfriend’s place, I’ve also gotten close with my other roommate – the guy who owns the house. He’s really a great guy. He put on a huge BBQ for his girlfriend’s birthday a couple weeks ago, and he made me feel completely welcome and made sure to introduce me around.

His friends get a house in Malibu for a couple months each summer, and they invited me along this year. I’m so excited about that! The house has its own private beach, so the dogs can run around free and we can build fires on the beach. They all eat and drink really well, and a few of the guys get a band together. I just can’t wait!

I've also been planning more activities with my friends. My best girlfriend and her fiance came up for a BBQ and pool party at my house last weekend. It was a great time. We may do it again this weekend. And, I'll probably go hang with them one day as well cuz they live at the beach.

AND, my new roomie and I just planned a trip to VEGAS (yeah, baby!) for a long weekend at the end of July. I’ve been there only once – for a work trip! I’m so excited to have a girlfriend to do something adventurous with all of a sudden. I’m very thankful for that.

My relationships have improved dramatically, and I’m finding them fulfilling in a way I never thought possible.

I’m enjoying myself thoroughly. I’m not worried at all about binging at a BBQ or what I might have to eat on a date. I’m finding plenty of contentment, peace, and fulfillment in just living each day. Perhaps I’m not working toward my goal of being a coach or speaker or writer. But, you know what? I’m definitely making immense progress in simply enjoying my life and enjoying being me. And, that is simply a miracle.

Focus only on what you want!!

As you may have heard me complain about, my job has had a big change, and it has become very demanding and stressful. I haven’t had much energy left to write in my blog or do my other writing and work that was so important to me just over a month ago. It was killing me, because my writing is what has been motivating me and fulfilling me and giving joy to my life. So, not only was I stressed with work, but I had lost what was most pleasing to me.

Well, yesterday I spoke with my coach about it, and he kicked my butt around a bit. I didn’t even realize it, but the reason I haven’t had the energy to write is because I’ve been focused only on what I do NOT want – not what I DO want. The whole foundation to this approach to recovery and creating the life of your dreams is “what you think about, you become.” But, I’ve been only thinking about:

·          how miserable I am in this new job,

·          how great my OLD job was,

·          how tired I am after work,

·          how far away my dream is becoming because days and weeks are now going by, and I’m not working each day to get me closer to my goals.

Of course my energy is getting sucked away; I’m focused all the time on the crappy parts of my life – not the great, exciting, fulfilling parts! And, I no longer have any momentum on my dream to keep pushing me/energizing me/exciting me.

What I need to force myself to think about is:

·          that my dreams are worthwhile and valid,

·          as long as I never give up, I can’t help but succeed,

·          a little motion each day adds up to huge forward motion over the long haul,

·          working on my dreams a little each day will create some energy and momentum to keep me going,

·          I NEED to do a little each day to keep up my spirits – even if I have to force myself. This works!

I’ve allowed myself to be overwhelmed and, really, to sulk and whine about it. I want to be done with this part of my life (working for someone else’s dream 9-6, M-F) and beginning a new part (working for MY dream on MY schedule). But, I’m not going to get there unless I have the discipline to do what I need to do.

It’s just like recovery from an eating disorder, if we constantly think about it, we’re always thinking about how miserable we are. If, instead, we choose to focus on the other things in our lives – like beauty, friends, our passions, our hearts – we will make more momentum in that direction. And, our desire to use our old coping mechanism will decrease because: 1) we’re not dwelling on the negative parts of our lives all the time, and 2) we’re creating positive things for ourselves to focus on and spend our time on.

Look at Serra! Lately, she’s been really focusing on her photography, and her attitude in her blog has been positive and optimistic. She chose to spend a bunch of time setting herself up on TradeMe.com to sell her photos (and she’s been doing well, by the way!), rather than choosing to spend her time feeling sorry for herself or hiding out in her room binging and purging or willing herself not to eat. She made a choice to act in the direction of her dreams, and her excitement from that is creating energy and momentum for her to keep moving forward.

I pledge to think as little as possible about my day job. When I do think about it, I need to focus on the fact that I am doing a good solid job, 40 hours per week. I am taking good care of myself by staying at this job for another year or so. I need to build up my other business (coaching, speaking, and writing about recovery) on the side to enable me to make the leap without having to worry about my lifestyle. But, all other time is MINE. I will refuse to bring my work home with me. And, I will be more diligent in setting aside time to write and do the work I need to do for my coach. It is what makes me happy and gives me energy and fulfillment in my life! I refuse to push it to the side anymore!

Remember: indulging in our passions will create the energy and momentum we need to keep moving forward in an exciting and fulfilling way!

Nice summary of the new lives we're working toward

I am copying the below from a great little book I read today: The Four Agreements, A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz:

“Imagine that you have permission to be happy and to really enjoy your life. Your life is free of conflict with yourself and with others.

Imagine living your life without fear of expressing your dreams. You know what you want, what you don’t want, and when you want it. You are free to change your life the way you really want to. You are not afraid to ask for what you need, to say yes or no to anything or anyone.

Imagine living your life without the fear of being judged by others. You no longer rule your behavior according to what others may think about you. You are no longer responsible for anyone’s opinion. You have no need to control anyone, and no one controls you, either.

Imagine living your life without judging others. You can easily forgive others and let go of any judgments that you have. You don’t have the need to be right, and you don’t need to make anyone else wrong. You respect yourself and everyone else, and they respect you in return.

Imagine living without the fear of loving and not being loved. You are no longer afraid to be rejected, and you don’t have the need to be accepted. You can say “I love you” with no shame or justification. You can walk in the world with your heart completely open, and not be afraid to be hurt.

Imagine living your life without being afraid to take a risk and to explore life. You are not afraid to lose anything. You are not afraid to be alive in the world, and you are not afraid to die.”

How truly amazing to be able to make all our decisions based on our deepest, most heart-felt wants and needs, not our fears! How amazing to be so confident and trusting of ourselves to always make the most self-nurturing decisions and actions, that we no longer need any type of validation or agreement from anyone else. How amazing to live each day as loving and kind as we possibly can be to ourselves and all others, so we never again feel shame or regret.

We can all choose to live this way! It is completely in our power to consistently make these choices! If I can do it, you can do it, too! It takes practice, but it’s an upward spiral of good emotions and happiness. Never give up working to achieve this new life!

How I knew I was "well"

• I was well when I had no more urges to binge and purge. Yes, I’m human, so at times I will overindulge in good tasting foods. During my break up with my boyfriend, I ate embarrassing quantities of chocolate. But, I still knew I was well because I had made the conscious decisions to 1) enjoy the chocolate and how it felt nurturing to me and, 2) make the other food I ate that week extra healthful and low fat. These 2 decisions together let me have the best of both worlds and feel good about myself through it all.

• I was well when I could finally keep good food in my kitchen without feeling like I had to eat it all NOW. I was even more well when I could select from that abundance of good food something that was healthy and then eat until I was full and put the rest away for tomorrow.

• I was well when my energy suddenly and significantly improved. I was even more well when my energy could more than make up for lack of sleep and a long list of things I wanted to do each day.

• I was well when I made deep breathing and self-soothing part of my normal routine. I was even more well when the tension in my back and neck became barely noticeable for the first time that I can remember.

• I was well when I could make my commute without getting in a rage at other drivers. I was even more well when I could replace my irritation with others with empathy that they may be hurt or unwell and deserving of some compassion.

• I was well when I could spend quiet time with myself and feel content and at peace. I was even more well when I could spend a whole weekend alone working on my new purpose in life and feel consistently happy, thankful, and deeply fulfilled.

• I was well when I could smile and say hello to strangers I passed. I was even more well when I could say something nice to make these strangers feel good.

• I was well when I could feel proud of myself at least 10 times per day for my daily progress in my journey to wellness and my new purpose in life. I was even more well when I could look back and actually measure how much I had accomplished in such a short amount of time.

• I was well when I acknowledged my pain and disappointment from my breakup, and I spent time nurturing myself. I was even more well when I picked myself up and continued pursuing my purpose which gives me the most happiness and fulfillment of anything.

• I was well when I began spending more time with girlfriends. I was even more well when I opened up to them and made myself vulnerable like I had never dared do before, and they responded by reaching out to me more deeply than ever before.

• I was well when I truly believed I had a lot to give the world. I was even more well when I decided to actually pursue giving it to the world.

• I was well when I was working on becoming the woman I wanted to be – one I could appreciate, respect, admire, trust completely, and follow without hesitation. I was even more well when I realized that I had already become her.

Heartbreak isn't derailing me

I’m very happy to realize that the pain of my break up is not derailing me in the least! I’m sad and I ate an embarrassing amount of chocolate tonight. But, I’m not at all tempted to binge or purge. That definitely gives me something to be happy and thankful for tonight.

I’m also thankful I got up the energy to take my doggie for a walk. I haven’t gotten much exercise in the last couple of months cuz my roommate takes her hiking every day. I don’t have to take her on long walks at night anymore.

One challenge is I’m having trouble getting to sleep. It’s not that I can’t fall asleep, it’s that I can’t seem to turn the lights out and get into bed. I guess I’ve been trained pretty well over the last year that before bed, I always talk to Dave for my nightly tuck-in. Pretty sad, huh? Well, we ALL know that habits are really hard to break. So, I guess I should just get up off my butt and get my butt into bed – without my nightly tuck-in call. Geesh, I’m an adult for God’s sake!!  Good night all.

"Me" now means "My Whole Self"

Thanks so much for all the support you’ve given me in my break up. I’m very sad, and my head occasionally tells me maybe I’ll regret breaking things off with him, but my heart tells me I did the right thing and that I should be joyous. And, I’ve certainly been learning recently that my heart knows best –my heart knows how to make me happy and fulfilled, if I only listen to it. My head is just worried all the time about keeping me safe and protected. So, thanks to some deep conversations with my heart and soul, today I’m feeling much better and brighter.

I wanted to clarify something I wrote yesterday. In regards to who or what is the most important thing in my life right now, I wrote: “for the first time in my life, I AM.” But, really, I’ve been so absorbed in myself almost all of my life, that that comment seems very silly. In my life, I’ve actually spent a ton of time completely obsessed with my school work or my career or my body or my bulimia or whatever. But, these fixations with myself were unhealthy because I was only focusing on ONE PART of me, and completely ignoring or denying the rest of me. So, when I wrote that, what I meant is that now I cherish and very highly value MY WHOLE SELF.

As I wrote in this post, Why can’t we just RELAX? Or, "The 4 Spheres of Balance", a healthy person will maintain a balance among these 4 realms of our whole self:

Professional: our need to be productive and to support ourselves.

Personal: our physical needs such as healthy food, water, exercise, rest, and overall physical health,

Relationships: our need to connect and interact with others,

Spiritual: our emotional and psychological needs, our peace of mind; our sense of purpose in life; our heart-felt dreams and goals that give us deep fulfillment as we work toward their accomplishment.

It takes effort and practice to achieve balance here. I’m still in practice mode, but I get it. And, I’m so much healthier and happier for it. For most bulimics, number 4 is the one we most usually sacrifice for the others. In fact, some of us may not even know HOW to get in touch with this part of ourselves – I didn’t. I’ll always be grateful to my coach for teaching me how to do this, and pushing me to listen to and cherish this part of me – it really does hold all the secrets and answers we’re trying to hard to find.

My boyfriend and I broke up last night

So, my boyfriend and I broke up last night – just a few days shy of our one-year anniversary. I hate to discuss such a bummer when the bracelets are ready (see the new photo album on the left), and I’ve been feeling so good. But, bear with me. I need to share.

As you know, I’ve been going through a lot of changes in these last few months –recovery from 34 years of pain, anger, fear; recovery from 14 years of beating myself up with bulimia, and suddenly realizing my new mission in life. I’ve changed, and I’ve had to juggle a few more things, including my time with my boyfriend.

But, as I grew well, he grew distant. As I grew more loving and proud of myself, he grew more disappointed in me. As I pursued meeting my own wants and needs, apparently, I could no longer meet his.

He was the best man I’ve ever been with, and I still love him dearly. But, he was making me feel like I just wasn’t good enough. He made me doubt myself as a good and loving partner, even when I know that I’m good, and I’m getting better every day – as a partner, a woman, a friend, a human being. His biggest fear is that he is not the most important thing in my life. Well, you know what? He’s not the most important thing. Right now, for the first time in my life, I AM.

When he’s unhappy with us, he always compares our relationship now with a few specific weekends in our past. You’ve seen some of the pictures. He says that he cherishes those times above all others because I made him feel “really special and important.” The sad (or funny??) thing is that I was throwing up 1 or 2 times a day back then!

His measure of our relationship is how special I make him feel. If I’m not making him feel special enough, he’s unhappy with me and pulls away. If there’s one thing you and I are learning is that we are bound to be disappointed if we continue to look to another person to bring us inner peace. For it to be lasting, it HAS to come from within. He doesn’t get that yet, and so he’s on a path to sure disappointment with all the women he dates. Either he doesn’t value himself highly enough, so he has to seek that from his partner all the time. OR, he has been hurt so badly in his past, that he has set his requirements unrealistically high to protect himself from getting hurt again. Either way, he loses. Unfortunately, in this case, so do I. I realize, now that I’m well, that I could never meet his needs consistently enough. I realize that my love isn’t nearly enough to make him happy and love me back.

What he can’t appreciate is that I truly, deeply want to make him feel special and valued and cherished. But, sometimes now I need to focus my energy on making ME feel special. Sometimes, I need to focus on making my new-found girlfriends feel special. And, sometimes, I need to focus on making YOU feel special!

The saddest part about this whole thing is that I loved him and respected him and wanted him as my partner (for life, mind you) so profoundly, that I gave him the biggest, most significant gift I’ve ever given to anyone – I GOT WELL. I spent a fortune on my coach and I committed to radically improving myself –head, heart, body, and soul. And, I DID IT! He can’t seem to recognize this or appreciate it at all. In fact, when he looks back over our last few months together, he can see only the times I’ve disappointed him or put him second behind the work I needed to do to recover. He can’t seem to see at all the good times when I managed to successfully balance him and my work and mission. If he can’t appreciate that, then he’s asking too much. He needs too much. And, I refuse to beat myself up anymore thinking “I’m not good enough!” I know deep in my heart that I am good enough, and I’m getting better every damn day. I deserve to be surrounded by people who appreciate me, and the amazing woman I’m rapidly becoming.

He doesn’t understand that I didn’t go through a tough childhood and 14 years of bulimia for nothing. No, I was being carefully trained and prepared for this moment when I would turn that pain into an unstoppable force to help others escape their own hells. I have much work to do to ensure that all my experience and pain doesn’t go to waste, that my life doesn’t go to waste. Asking me to put this mission aside or below priority to him is like asking me to put my recovery aside or put my pain from my sister’s suicide aside. I can’t and will not do that right now. The only path to true fulfillment in my life is to honor this strange, unique destiny for which I’ve been, however unwittingly, preparing all of my life. I need more time than just a few months. And, I need more room than he could ever give to me.

I admit that I’m hoping against hope, deep in my heart and soul, that he comes to realize that his expectations and requirements of his partner are just too high and unrealistic. I am hoping and praying that he realizes that taking what I can give to him right now, faithfully and in love and respect, is certainly better that losing me for ever.

And, I know this hoping is ok. What’s not ok is thinking that I can change him. We all know (or are learning) that no one can change anyone else. He has to want to do the work to change himself. And, I hate to admit it, but he probably won’t. He set his requirements very high for a reason – to protect himself. And, making oneself vulnerable is the hardest thing a person can do if he’s been hurt badly enough in his past.

So, really, I have nothing left to do but let him go. And, hope that he, too, might someday find peace.

Give me some time this morning. But, soon I’ll have more pictures up of my bracelets and more info. Real quickly – you just have to give me your address (you can mail it to michelle@michellehope.org rather than post it online) and tell me your top 2 choices for font color. The pix only have silver and red font, but we can get almost any color you wish.

My new purpose and mission!

So, during my weekend with my coach, I had the revelation that my personal path for fulfillment is in using my life to help others win the fight against eating disorders, particularly bulimia.

My new-found purpose is: to share comfort, hope, and peace with love, acceptance, and compassion and to awaken hope and possibility so that we all have a better way to live.

I do this for myself to know that my long journey through pain and anxiety and fear had a purpose. I do this for myself to know I've done something worthwhile with my life.

I do this for all those living in pain and bulimia so that they don't have to waste another moment of their beautiful lives in that hell.

To fulfill this purpose, I am beginning the training required to become a professional coach to help bulimics conquer their bulimia, become the women of their dreams, and move on to have the lives of their dreams. I'm SO in love with this approach!

I still have quite a bit of work to do to get there, and I'm going to have to do it part-time. But, my own coach is firmly committed to helping me get there in the least amount of time possible. He dedicated his life to helping people, and he is now enthusiastically sharing all his knowledge and skills to help me carry on doing the same for others.  It may take me a while to get there, but if I keep working on it a little each day, I will make it happen.

So, please stay in touch - your emails and comments help me stay motivated and positive and driven.  And, don't give up hope!  If I can go from 14 years of daily bulimia to being well in about 10.5 weeks, you and anyone else can do it, too, if you have the right people to coach and support you in your fight. And, I'd like to help you in any way I can right now.

I'm well!

Hello everyone! I had a very intense weekend with my coach, and I'm so excited to share everything with you. I almost don't know where to start.

First of all, I'm very happy to say that I'm well! I no longer consider myself in recovery; I consider myself recovered and well! It was hard to believe at first since we're all led to believe that recovery from an eating disorder often takes a lifetime, and that we're not ever really truly well. But, I am. It only took 5.5 weeks since I first began working with my coach, and about 10.5 weeks since I made the commitment to myself to get well, whatever it takes.

I didn't have to become an inpatient somewhere; it didn't take me years of therapy; I didn't have to do a 12 step program; and I didn't have to "turn to God" (I'm kinda anti-organized religion). I needed only a burning desire to get well and find a coach who is experienced and committed to helping people change their lives - drastically if desired.

I do consider myself in maintenance mode - but it's not maintenance from bulimia. It's maintenance in nurturing this new soul I've found in myself and it's voice that I've suppressed and denied all these years. It's maintenance in that I'll still have to work hard at keeping my own negativity, doubt, and fear in check. The eating disorder was just an outward expression of - or, a reaction to - all these negative, self-defeating thoughts and beliefs that I got stuck on somewhere along my journey.

My coach, who has a ridiculous amount of experience, says that it only takes 4 - 7 months in "maintenance" mode, depending on the individual's level of consistent effort and deep emotion and commitment, to re-train your mind and neurology to actually become the new person you visualize everyday and so want to become. I believe that. And, I feel very sure that with continued support from him and a support group I'm going to find or build (I'll write about that more later, too), I can easily do that.

And, I have a new mission and purpose for my life. First I want to write something about relapses, then I'll get back to this mission. I missed you all so much this weekend when I was out of touch! Please keep in touch and let me know you're doing! You can always write me at michellehope.org.

Why can’t we just RELAX? Or, "The 4 Spheres of Balance"

Jane in her blog yesterday hit on something I would like to talk about.  She wrote:

“Is it just me or do I seem to have the need to binge just to end my day? I'm not particularly hungry or I should say i am, but not ravenous. I'm not facing any undue stress or I'm just refusing to think about them. But I thought my b/p impulses only kicked in when I'd starved myself. I guess I'd been deluding myself.”

And, it’s true that we bulimics and Borderlines both tend to freak out when we’re bored, lonely, or just plain tired.  We never learned that taking time to take care of our peace of mind and relax had any value.  We, in fact, learned that our needs were unimportant or even an annoyance to everyone around us.  But, to be a healthy human being, we need to take care of ourselves - in a variety of ways.

A healthy person will have a general balance among these 4 realms of need:

·          Professional: our need to be productive and to support ourselves.

·          Personal: our physical needs such as healthy food, water, exercise, rest, and overall physical health,

·          Relationships: our need to connect and interact with others,

·          Spiritual: our emotional and psychological needs, our peace of mind; our sense of purpose in life; our heart-felt dreams and goals that give us deep fulfillment as we work toward their accomplishment.

1.  If you’re like me, your focus is primarily on the Professional realm.  You may be driven to “succeed” because that is what is expected of you or what you expect of yourself.  In our society, our professional life often dictates whether or not we feel successful and valuable. And, for people like us who have little or no sense of personal worth and value, we may become completely obsessed about achieving professional success even when it makes us miserable.  For me personally, I believed that only professional success could make me feel secure and safe.  I didn’t realize until much later that the other 3 realms require just as much attention if I want to be happy, healthy and feel fulfilled in my life, which are just as important to me as security.

2.  You also may focus a bit too much on the Personal realm – BUT only regarding exercise and food.  We obsess about these to the exclusion of rest and overall health.  We have a hard time taking rest unless we’re completely exhausted, because, as Jane is realizing, we feel guilty resting when there is still so much we need to do.  We are horrible at acknowledging the tremendous amount of work that we have accomplished today.  And, we worry so much about what disasters tomorrow holds, that we feel if we don’t accomplish everything today, tomorrow we’ll certainly fall so far behind that we’ll never be able to catch back up.  What a tormenting thought that is! And, I used to go to sleep every night thinking that way. 

3.  Relationships have always been an issue with me.  Growing up, my friendships and relationships with teachers and friends’ parents were critical to my well-being since I was lacking positive, healthy interactions at home.  But, once I got to college and got so frenzied with its complete absence of free time, my relationships with people began to take lower and lower priority.  I had to study, work, sleep, and party (binge drinking was another delightfully healthy coping mechanism I had developed).  There was simply no ROOM left for friendships outside of the bars and parties.  And, it’s true, I have ZERO friends from college.  Not ONE!  Even now, I have no meaningful girlfriends except the three I made back in junior high school, and really, how close can we be when we’re spread out all over the country and talk maybe once every 3 months?!  My issues with friendships include worry that they may want to do something that takes me away from something “more important,” or that they want to do something that costs too much money. People can hear “no” only so much before they give up on you. Also, I used to become very resentful when friends would want to talk about their problems. I figured, “I’m not burdening you with my crap; why the hell should I have to deal with yours?”  Those bad thoughts, of course, came from my belief that I wasn’t worth people’s time or concern.  My coach is really pushing me to take risks in this area. I really want to be able to talk out my problems and concerns with friends without fear of being judged or that I’m being annoying, and I want to feel like my friendship and comforting is valuable to them when they seek me out to talk about their problems.

4.  Our emotional and psychological needs?  What can I say?  I’m just learning to identify, let alone meet those needs.  Before I began working with my coach, I can’t say my mind has ever felt much peace – plenty of chaos and anguish, but not much peace.  And, my sense of purpose in life?  Not getting fat, of course.  God, what a hell we live, huh?   My main goal for getting a coach was simply to get some peace of mind.  It’s not the bulimia that was driving me crazy after 14 years, it was the relentless, uncontrollable chaos in my mind.  I couldn’t stop it, and in the blink of an eye, that chaos could become wild rage that scared the crap out of me, but yet I had no idea how to stop it once it began.  Or, sometimes I would get unconsoleably panicked.  I would like to tell you to make more time in your every day to work on your peace of mind, but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t know how to do that.  I’m just learning myself. 

I feel pretty sure, though, that once we finally learn how to find our peace of mind, and we work every day at maintaining, nurturing, and strengthening it, we will be completely cured . . . of bulimia, depression, anxiety, fear, and even restlessness.  What would this be worth to you?