Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

Gone this weekend

I'm heading out tomorrow for the wedding of one of my best and oldest friends in the world! I'm taking Todd along so he can meet her and my other 2 oldest and best friends in the world. I'm so excited. PLUS, 2 of these friends have had babies since I last saw them a couple of years ago, so I get to meet my new "niece" and "nephew." PLUS, the wedding is in Ithaca, NY, where I spent a lot of the happiest parts of my childhood on my father's houseboat and where I went to college.

It's going to be an awesome time.

Of course, the weather this week is just like I remember it: lots of rain and thunderstorms. Oh well. It'll feel like home, anyway!

Good stuff from the archives . . .

From one year ago this week:

Good quote on love

The Wisdom of Insecurity & Uncertainty

From two years ago this week:

Thinking Positively

Quotes on fear & self-defeating choices

"To understand why you continue to choose behaviors that work against your best interests, you need first to recognize the degree to which fear shapes your thoughts and actions."

"Behind every self-defeating behavior lies a faulty conclusion about ourselves or our world."

Milton R. Cudney: Self-Defeating Behaviors: Free Yourself from the Habits, Compulsions, Feelings, and Attitudes That Hold You Back

See this older post for more on faulty conclusions: On irrational thinking

Volunteer gig tonight, a reader from Qatar, and thoughts on why bulimia is so universal

** I edited this post after I wrote something in a hurry at the end that bothered me all night. **

Hi all. Things have been super busy for me lately. Tonight, I'm volunteering at this gig: In Defense of Animals- Africa: Born to be Wild. I've actually been the volunteer coordinator, so I've been really busy helping the event organizers. Plus, today was my first meeting of the Warner Bros. Toastmasters where I was the President. Yes, yours truly is the President of the club for the next 6 months. It's a little stressful, but by the end of the term, I'll be SO much better at leadership, thinking on my feet, and speaking in general.

It's actually amazing how much MORE energy (nervous energy put to positive use??) I've had since I stopped taking my anti-anxiety meds! And, while I've got a lot on my plate, I haven't gotten overly stressed or anxious at all. It's been an awesome upward spiral for me.

I also want to recognize my first reader (that I know of) from Qatar. Michelle (what a beautiful name she has!) lives in Doha, the capital, of this tiny country adjacent to Saudi Arabia:

 

As you can see, Qatar is in the very middle of the Middle East. It's surrounded on 3 sides by water. I bet it's quite beautiful . . .

Why is bulimia so universal? I thought it was only a problem in image- and money-obsessed cultures like the United States.

As I mentioned to Michelle, it still amazes me how bulimics tend to feel so alone and isolated, but yet, as my map of readers shows (bottom left-hand side of the blog), people all over the globe struggle with it, completely regardless of culture and society and media. That's so frightening to me. I guess it's because the human condition and so many human responses are universal. Persistent or frequent circumstances like trauma, helplessness, chaos, injustice, pain, and victimization are universal. Many responses are also universal: fear, discomfort with uncertainty, confusion & doubt, regret, panic, self-judgment and comparison to others, attachment and need. Habitual responses like these make bulimia very appealling and very addictive as a way to calm down, to find peace and sanctuary and clarity for just a little while. The physical response to it is the same no matter who we are - we all have the same biology.

Luckily, we humans have other responses we can actively choose (once we learn how and actively, consciously practice them a lot until they become habit): optimism, hope and faith, calmness, flexibility, courage to bear and to change, creating sanctuary inside ourselves no matter what our external conditions may be, gratitude, creativity & determination to create change, integrity, empathy, forgiveness, detachment from expectations and non-necessary "needs," acceptance & allowing, tolerance, and core values to always guide our decisions even in very unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations.

I learned and made habit (although perfectly, of course) many of the responses in the last paragraph, and you know what? I recovered and am currently living better and more joyfully than I ever thought would be possible for little, messed up me. I can't implore you enough to work hard on learning and actively choosing positive, helpful responses like these. It may seem like the solution is that you just need to "stop" binging or throwing up. But, until you learn to not get so consumed and paralyzed by negative, non-productive responses that you NEED something to calm you down, you will always need something external (food, alcohol, TV, work, sleep) to calm you or help you suppress and avoid dealing with your upset. A wonderful mantra to help you focus is the Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

A few tips for parents

I got an email from 2 very worried parents. Apparently, they just found out that their 25 year old son is bulimic and has been for at least a few months. They are desperate for advice on what to do. I realized that, while I get emails quite often from friends, significant others, and siblings of people struggling with bulimia, but I don't often hear from parents. Only once did a father write to me.

I first directed them to my **Tips for Friends & Family**, but I realized that my posts there don't have anything written specifically for parents, so I’m copying some of my email to this couple here for other parents who come here looking for help. If there is anything you would like YOUR parents to read and understand about YOU, please consider writing it in the comments.

“Dear Parents,

I know you must feel horrified and terrified and confused and probably pretty helpless. I so wish I could just take your son, shake him up good and hard, and give him back to you completely "normal." But, of course, it's not that easy. Plus, he's 25 and an adult. He probably doesn't even live at home, does he?

One thing you need to do right now is put aside any guilt or worry that this is your fault. While I’m sure you’ve not been perfect parents, rest assured there ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS. Take time to really comprehend the selfish, money-driven world your son grew up in, where everyone is working very hard to manipulate him into thinking he absolutely NEEDS to buy whatever they’re selling. It can really screw with a young mind. Read this old post on the toxic education we get from every aspect of society – make sure to read the wonderful comments the post generated, too. You see, even “perfect” parents have the rest of the world to fight when raising a child. It’s one of the (millions of) reasons I have chosen not to take on the huge task of trying to raise a child of my own. Worrying about what you may have done "wrong" or getting trapped in regret will do no one any good. You need to leave the past behind and focus on what you can do now to help your son.

My first advice to you is to read my whole blog – from the bottom to the top (all my posts are actually shown on that first page). You may begin to recognize similarities between myself and him and see how I learned to handle things in ways that allow me to be optimistic about life, less fearful, truly happy, and no longer ADDICTED TO FOOD. Really, we are ALL the same in many ways, although we may come from very different backgrounds. We have all somehow learned to interpret the world in very irrational and fearful ways; we have about zero self-trust to rely on to get us through the fear and confusion; and, we have learned that food is a great way to calm ourselves enough so we can simply function through the fear and chaos and go on.

There is one thing I know for sure that you can do to help your son. Support him in learning to think and interpret the world in more optimistic, more self-trusting ways. Get him (and you and your family) reading - not about bulimia - but about living with mindfulness, gratitude, acceptance, optimism, courage, kindness, etc.:

*Wayne W. Dyer: 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace
*Denis Waitley: Seeds Of Greatness
*Don Miguel Ruiz: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
*James Allen: As a Man Thinketh (you can actually download this for free directly from my blog)
*Deepak Chopra: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams

I know that reading on these topics may sound unrelated or even foolish when you're worried about your son's life. But, these books will help him understand and recognize his irrational, self-defeating interpretations of the world that lead to self-defeating choices that lead straight to the food, since food is the best way he knows of to stop the chaos and confusion in his head. As he learns more optimistic, self-empowering, RATIONAL, ways to interpret the world, the world gets less frightening, menacing, and confusing. He will slowly lose the NEED to calm himself through food. These books hold the lessons that set me free after 14 years of severe bulimia and a lifetime of other symptoms like depression, uncontrollable rage, persistent anxiety and panic attacks. By the way, does your son have other symptoms like these? They ALL will fade away as he learns and actively applies the lessons in books like the above. That's what happened to me.

Another idea for you to look into is this web site for "parents of eating disordered children:" Maudsley Parents. The Maudsley approach has apparently had some success with younger anorexics, although I've not heard of success with bulimics at all. But, I would feel remiss if I didn't at least mention it to you. There is a parents' forum where perhaps you could find other parents of bulimics. But, please remember that anorexia and bulimia are VERY different. I am well aware that I don't know anything about anorexia or how best to treat it.

Please suggest to him that he come read my blog, too, and reach out to our little online community of fighters. I have tried really hard to share for free on my blog everything I learned from my expensive coach. The only things missing are 1) accountability for doing the work like doing the reading, putting the new knowledge into action, and reflecting on the positive changes that come about from doing things differently (this reflection gives positive feedback that encourages us to keep taking risks in doing things differently), and 2) instant feedback when his decisions start going astray from his new knowledge and he is going back to making self-defeating choices (it can be very difficult, especially at the beginning of the journey to identify self-defeating choices since they're so habitual and automatic). For these reasons, you may want to consider hiring a personal coach for him. But, you should consult with me first since my coach has decades of successful experience while new, unproven coaches are a dime a dozen these days.

Your son is very young and has a full, wonderful life ahead of him, even if it takes many years to get his head straight. Luckily, bulimia doesn’t do nearly the physical damage that anorexia does. Most of us who recover often actually credit our illness with making us much better people in the long run - we are more sensitive, more thankful, more joyful, more actively and intimately involved with life.

You need to trust me when I say that the bulimia is helping your son to survive right now because he doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to cope with life in any better, healthier way. Without the calming, mind-clearing, and somewhat mood-lifting effects of it, your son might not even be able to get out of bed and function at all. But, this “solution” is not sustainable nor is it reflective or supportive of the wonderful, strong, courageous, creative, and truly powerful person your son really is underneath his fear and confusion. He’s got to learn how to tap into that and trust it. So, get him (if you can) and you and your wife started on reading and learning today.”

** EDIT: I would also like to recommend the blog, "Eating With Your Anorexic" and the book, "Eating With Your Anorexic," both written by Laura Collins, a parent of an anorexic child. Her writing intriques me since I have no idea what it must be like for the parents of children with anorexa. I'm going to get some books for parents of bulimics and let you know what I find.

Unloved: bulimia & romantic relationships

I’ve gotten quite a few emails over the years asking for my opinions and advice about romantic relationships. I have shied away from responding to these since relationships are so personal and so unique. How could I possibly tell you what to do when I have so little information? Plus, I am in no way qualified to be giving advice in that area. What I CAN do and have done since I began the blog is share stories and experiences and opinions about my own relationships. You may or may not be able to relate; you may or may not agree.

For example, I have shared previously that my romantic relationships pre-recovery were almost all unhealthy, although I certainly didn’t recognize them as such at the time. For that reason, my opinion is to get yourself healthy before investing too much into a romantic relationship. However, many of my readers who are still actively bulimic and who still regularly make self-defeating choices are happily married and attribute much of their strength to those relationships.

There is one reader who asked a relationship question that I do want to respond to, however. This email challenged both me and Todd. We discussed it at length a couple different times. I have started and re-started a written response to her many times, though I’ve never finished. She wrote me back on May 28, and I have thought about her almost every day.

C is from Turkey and is 23 years old. She says she has felt and has in fact been told all of her life that she is ugly. She also grew up in a poor family, compared with her peers, which only added to her insecurities. She’s never had a boyfriend, and she feels that each time she gets up her hopes with a man, she ends up horribly disappointed. She wrote that she is currently feeling “completely lonely and worthless” and “ugly and unloved.” She asked me:

“What I wanted to ask you was this: You seem to be having great support from your boyfriend. But if you didn't have Todd, would you still recover as quickly? You are really beautiful both inside and outside and you must have heard a lot of compliments from other men, but hypothetically, if you knew that you had to spend the rest of your life alone, with no men, would you still be determined to stay free of bulimia? If nobody told you that you were beautiful, how would that affect your self esteem?”

First of all, please don’t any of you be fooled into thinking only we with poor self-esteem and eating issues suffer relationship woes, fears, and anxieties. Most EVERYONE worries about these things. I, of course, think this is a direct result of some very sad societal expectations and pressures – which, I’m beginning to realize, are somewhat common across different countries & cultures. I don’t believe we all “need” to have a partner and children and the picket fence and all that. We are just taught that, someday, we will of course have all that and life will be complete and perfect. We aren’t taught to go out into the world and grow and experience and THEN figure out on our own what we really want for ourselves.

Anyway, C, thank you for your sweet compliment about my being “beautiful.” But, you need to understand that, as a very insecure, fearful, and self-loathing bulimic, even if every man I came across in my 14 years of struggle told me that I was beautiful, I would still have been disgusted with myself. Their words would have twisted around in my head to support my messed up view of the world, where I was a horrible, disgusting person and the person who said “kind” things to me was just trying to manipulate me for his/her gain and/or to hurt me. Trust me, no matter how many times people tell you you’re beautiful, you’ll never FEEL beautiful until you believe it yourself. I believe recovery is a big step toward being able to feel beautiful.

You asked if Todd helped in my recovery. I didn’t start dating him until 7 months after I began working with my coach. I was solidly into recovery at that time. My relationship with him has continued to push me and challenge me in my recovery even as lately as last month when I was forced to confront a more subtle effect of all my years of poor self-esteem and fear of being alone (just like you are now). There have been many other challenging times when I could have easily turned back to my old coping mechanism if I was not so firmly into recovery. Strong relationships require you to be nakedly honest and open and vulnerable. Any lingering crap beliefs about yourself or your place in the world will just build up anxiety, self-doubt, confusion, even jealousy and resentment toward your partner. These pressures will eventually send you running for the food to calm yourself or will explode in drama and fights that will slowly wreck your relationship.

What if no one told me NOW that I was beautiful? I would honestly not mind at all, because I know that I am a beautiful soul. And, even though I’m getting older and grayer and with more wrinkles and sags, every day I’m growing more & more beautiful and wonderful on the inside. And, that makes me feel so happy and proud and confident in my decisions – no matter what anyone else says. I no longer need validation from everyone (or anyone) that I’m a very special person. Don’t get me wrong – it’s wonderful to hear someone say you’re beautiful, but pre-recovery, it’s meaningless or suspect, and post-recover, it’s just icing on the very delicious cake you’ve baked for yourself.

I want to say a few other things to C and anyone else feeling lonely and unloved:

1) The only solution to your worrying about whether or not you’ll end up with a wonderful romantic relationship is to accept that maybe you will have one and maybe you won’t. Just like maybe Todd & I will be together forever and maybe we won’t. And, our lives will be wonderful and happy and fulfilling either way. Please trust me on this (Miss Blue would probably back me up – see her comment here): it is much, MUCH better to be alone than to be in a poor relationship just to avoid being alone.

You are going to have to learn to be OK (and eventually even joyful) when you’re alone. You can’t put off joy until (or if) you find that special someone. Since this is a concern for all human beings, you will find some amazing literature on learning to embrace solitude and be happy no matter what your circumstances. Get reading and trying out the new perspectives you learn starting today. Look up these books like the ones I include in the right side bar at your local library, book store, or online. Today.

2) Your self-defeating beliefs and choices and responses (bulimia is just one of them, I’m sure) are not helping you at all in finding love. Common self-defeating beliefs are listed for you here (my blog) and here (coping.org). Do you honestly think you can be the best person you can be with this crap mucking up your head? The individual who is best matched for the true, best person inside of you will never be attracted to you until you clear out all that crap. Todd would never have endured a relationship with the person I was pre-recovery. He wouldn’t have put up with my messed up thinking for long. And, I wouldn’t have been attracted to him. I believed I needed someone to either 1) accept me with all my rage, depression, and unpredictability, or 2) fix me. Now, I know I couldn’t stand a relationship with the drama I created, and I sure as hell don’t want my partner trying to change me. I have a very clear vision of who I want to be, and I am working on my own to grow in that direction. If someone wants me to be someone else, I will quickly move on.

The bottom line is that, in my opinion, you won’t find your best relationship until after you recover. Any relationship now may become frustrating or unfulfilling after recovery. You may even find current platonic or family relationships unfulfilling after recovery. Trust me, your perspectives, attitudes, and needs from other people will change significantly after recovery. Begin working on yourself FOR yourself today.

If you go through recovery in the right way (learning & unlearning & trying new things & growing – not simply white-knuckling it through every panic and compulsion), you, as I did, may suddenly find that solitude actually feels quite liberating, safe and peaceful. You’ll begin to embrace solitude as time to just BE, with no expectations or needs of others. You’ll be able to use this time to take care of yourself and grow in self-awareness and even self-love. You’ll realize your own thoughts and dreams and hobbies are quite entertaining and enjoyable, with no need of validation or participation from others. You’ll grow in self-confidence, inner contentment, quiet and peace. You’ll see that when you don’t NEED from others, you put them at ease. You allow them to just be, without being weighed down by your own hopes and expectations of them.

And, you know what? Those qualities are enormously attractive to others, and they’re impossible to hide when they’re true. You will suddenly find all kinds of people responding to you in positive ways you never dreamed of. And, I dare say that you will never, ever think of yourself as ugly again.

This made me cry it was so beautiful

“Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become.”

Had this man not pushed through all his self-doubt and fear, the world would have missed out on one incredible, beautiful voice. And, he may have had regret all the days of his life, wondering what could have been . . .

Link to my coach's exercises

Nadia sent an email asking how she could get the exercises that I did with my coach during recovery, so I thought I'd remind everyone.

My coach had me doing daily, weekly, and monthly exercises to create and strengthen my new habits of self-empowering, healthy, rational thought and interpretation. The exercises also enabled him to carefully review my thoughts and interpretations so he could point out where I might still be defeating myself or thinking/interpreting irrationally. This process was the main reason I recovered so quickly.

Yes, I did LEARN a lot from him, but my life didn't CHANGE until I actively put that new education and insight to work and consciously observed the positive results from my new choices. That process of being pushed to take a risk or do something differently (part of the homework) and then having to write about my observations and feelings (another part of the homework) put me firmly onto an upward spiral where I was increasingly rewarded for creating change. So, I pushed myself to take more and more risks to change my life because I became accustomed to receiving rewards for it.

I put the most powerful exercises (in my opinion) up for everyone to use in this Category: **Exercises for Recovery**. Start at the bottom of the page and work up.

Great post on "stopping the cycle of relapse"

Great post by Heather over at Transcend Bulimia. She has become more & more aware of the tiny little, seemingly insignificant "symptoms" (discomforts) that creep in trying to tell her that things aren't right, that she's making bad decisions. You, too, can learn to become aware of your own symptoms, so you can stop the cycle LONG BEFORE it gets to the point where binging/purging seems like your only option, where the compulsion begins, where you simply can not take another step or make another decision until you binge and purge.

Heather shows well how you really can recover without any "white-knuckling" or straining or fighting. You take care of these small, very easily over-looked (or ignored) symptoms when they're small, and the bulimia stops even being appealing. The desire to turn to food slowly fades away.

Readers I need to get back to

Hi all. I had SOO intended to respond to emails this weekend, but things keep popping up. I'm having a very enjoyable and personally satisfying weekend, but I will have to push back on those emails again.

Sometimes you guys can really stump me with your questions. Please remember that I can only respond using my own experience (via living, reading, working with my coach) and anecdotal understanding based on the emails and comments I get from you. Below are the people who have emailed these tough questions. I think about you guys all the time. I've talked with Todd about some of you when a male perspective seems important. Most of your emails require quiet time for thinking - so I can't respond to you during work. Please know that I'm not ignoring you, your questions are valid and important, and each one of you deserves my best, most thoughtful response.

Janet, Barbara, Lisa, Nina, Ilse, Beth, Bobbi, Kyle, Tracey, Mike, Chi, Ksana, Peppa, elizabeth (e)

The first people listed are the oldest emails I have to respond to. You see I'm really behind. If you send me an email requiring a response, I'm afraid I'll probably just have to add you to the list. I'm sorry! There are others I would like to respond to, too, even though they didn't specifically ask a question or they only left a comment for the first time on the blog.

Great quote on fear and valor

It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, and comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement. And at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

President Theodore Roosevelt

Paris 1910

Update on my (hopefully LAST) anti-anxiety meds weaning

Gu asked me how I was doing since I so suddenly quit my last 10 mg/day of my anti-anxiety meds last Saturday, 6/2/07, as I mentioned in this post. I’m glad he asked. I feel like I’ve taken you all on a roller coaster about this for 2+ years, so I figured you were all sick of hearing about it!

But, I really wanted to share my experience with you, because it’s a great learning experience that I hope you all can get something out of, too.

I’ve tried to quit in the past, but the timing always seemed to be off: something stressful popped up or I just didn’t like how I was feeling. Below are some of the posts documenting my 2+ year journey from 40 mg/day to none and showing how I have gone back & forth and back & forth on my opinions and plans.

Vaca and update on my "exercise plan" (April 02, 2007)

Update on anti-anxiety weaning (February 26, 2007)

Today is my year & a half anniversary with Todd! (February 13, 2007)

Post from one year ago (February 08, 2007)

Bloating in recovery (February 07, 2006)

Why I'm quitting my anti-depressant (April 03, 2005)

End of my anti-depressant! (March 27, 2005)

But, on 6/2/07, I knew I HAD to quit, no matter what. I realized the side effects were standing in the way of the life I wanted for myself, so it had to go.

Since Saturday, I’ve been feeling great. I’ve happy and motivated and energetic. Of course, there is another variable contributing to this: I shared with Todd my last secret stemming from low self-esteem, self-doubt, insecurity, and fear. This was a huge burden that weighed on me 24/7. Once I opened up to him, I have felt light and free and even a bit fearless and unstoppable.

The big difference between what I’m experiencing THIS time (vs. all the times I’ve tried to quit before) is that I have been completely focused on the benefits of quitting – not the uncertainties or the potential negatives. My excitement about the benefits of quitting was very strong – it outweighed by far my fear of the potential negatives. I stopped being controlled by my fear of the unknown. I started being controlled by my excitement for change. I knew I would have to find a way to deal with any negatives; there was no longer any way around it.

This gives support to the ideas that:

1)       your attitude about a change often determines your resulting experiences, and

2)       actively visualizing yourself enjoying future positive results is incredibly powerful in creating those positive results.

In the past, I didn’t see enough potential benefits from quitting. This time, I could ONLY see one particular, very enticing benefit. Potential negative results paled in comparison.

A few days after I quit, I think I had some small physical adjustments: I felt dizzy, a bit nauseous, and had little hot flashes for a couple of days. Nothing too worrisome, though. I’ve noticed another interesting but not-unpleasant effect that continues today . . . I get emotional and a bit teary-eyed by small shows of kindness or connectedness that I witness: Someone saying something nice to a stranger, someone stopping to pet a stranger’s dog and chat awhile, someone going out of their way to help someone.

Each time I witness these things, my heart does a little flip-flop. Feeling loving and hopeful for the world feels just. so. damn. good! It’s an incredible physical response as well as psychological.

I am so incredibly grateful to be witness to all these little acts of kindness and connection. I’m sure they’ve been there all along, but for some reason, either I didn’t notice them, or I felt too disconnected to comprehend them.

For most of my life, I saw people in general as bad, threatening, dangerous, only self-serving. And, the interactions I witnessed (or focused on?) seemed to always support those beliefs.

Now, I see acts of kindness all over the place. And, each time, I get an emotional and physical (believe it or not) rush that I never got before.

I don’t know if this is all because I quit my medicine (these pills are known for being a bit numbing) or because of the burden lifted in my relationship with Todd (and myself), or a combination of both. But, God, I feel great.

And, I have evidence that even stressful things are going to be fine without the pills. Last Thursday was the busiest day I ever remember having in my 4+ years at this job, and I did fine. Not only did I get everything done, but, more importantly, I kept a good attitude with everyone and even took extra time to help some people out. OK, I was a bit brash with the woman who asked me for this extra time. But, I helped her out, and I apologized later.

Oh geez, I’m getting all teary-eyed again. I gotta go get a tissue.

My theories on self-esteem and sex

I would really like to thank Miss Blue for openly sharing so much of her personal sexual history with us in her comment to this post. It was very brave of her to share all that using her real name. Thanks, Miss Blue, for helping to further this discussion without shame or embarrassment!! We have nothing to be ashamed about. We’re all just trying to be happier and to have happier relationships.

Her comments show really well how true it is that “the grass is always greener on the other side.” I think a LOT of us would think having a man with a low sex drive to match our own would be perfect, ideal, heaven. She uses her own story to prove to us that is not necessarily the case.

I am so interested to know how other women feel about their sex drive, whether or not they have “issues” like an eating disorder or some other problem, that I wish I could run a huge survey and see the data myself. Gu, my friend and favorite male contributor to this blog, shared that he, too, isn’t overly driven in this department. So, I would want to include men, too.

My survey would look something like this:

Sex:

□ male   □ female

Age of first significant sexual experience (intercourse for heterosexuals; some other milestone for homosexuals): ______

Level of self esteem:

□ very strong. I trust my intuition and opinions in all areas of my life. I almost never doubt or regret my choices later.

□ very strong generally, although it falls apart in the sexual area.

□ relatively strong in all areas of my life. I mostly trust my intuition and opinions. I sometimes doubt or regret my choices later.

□ could use work – I initially trust myself but then often seriously doubt or regret my choices later.

□ could use work – I can only make decisions after long, detailed analysis of pros and cons of each option. I usually feel good about my choices later.

□ not good when younger, but strong now.

□ miserable. I don’t trust my intuition or opinions to make good choices at all.

Satisfaction with sex drive:

□ great. No complaints.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s strong only very occasionally.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s good when alone, not so good with a partner.

□ not where I’d like it to be. It’s only mediocre all the time.

□ it’s getting better with age.

□ nonexistent

Sex life with a partner:

□ we fight about it all the time.

□ it’s a persistent, unspoken source of strain.

□ it’s an occasional source of strain.

□ it doesn’t add to or take away from our relationship. It’s not really a significant factor.

□ what partner?! I’d rather be alone; it’s easier. No sex at all would be my preference.

□ I occasionally enjoy sex with uncommitted partners, but I prefer not to be in a relationship.

□ our relationship is stronger for it. We celebrate our satisfying sex life together.

The survey would have to be tweaked, as I have no experience designing a survey for statistical analysis. But, this is my first gut-driven version. It’s got all the stuff *I* would like to know.

I love slicing and dicing data and looking for statistically significant trends and correlations. It’s actually my specialty in my career. I guess my goal for this work would be to see if there are correlations between sex drive satisfaction with self-esteem and potentially other factors like age at first significant experience. My own theories are:

1)       that self-esteem and age of first experience are correlated at least for women: better self-esteem, later start to sex life.

2)       that self-esteem and satisfaction with sex life with a partner are correlated: better self-esteem, better satisfaction. If you don’t doubt yourself or feel insecure about your wants & needs, then you can more easily speak up and ask for (or just create) what you want in bed.

3)       that the age of first experience might be correlated with sexual satisfaction later on in life (at least for women; I don’t know enough about men in this regard): later start to having sex, better satisfaction later on. I think that if you start early, perhaps you pick up bad habits (like being afraid to speak up) or expectations or beliefs about sex that could hamper your enjoyment later on. This happened to me. But this effect could be tied more directly to the self-esteem issue. I’d have to do some fancy statistics to correct for the self-esteem piece to explore this theory. Cool.

I would need a really big data set to do this, but it would be so cool. Hell, think how the teen pregnancy rate might plummet if you taught in school that it was proven that teens would enjoy sex much more for the rest of their lives if they:

1) waited until firmly in their 20’s, and/or

2) focused on building their self-esteem first.

Kids would probably do a hell of a lot better in school, too. God, I wish I hadn’t had to deal with the stress of “sex” as a teenager!

What would you add to the survey? What would you like to know – about people in general or just about people with self-esteem issues or eating disorders, in particular? Do you have any theories you’d like to test out??

A good example of the power of our fears over our bodies

Here is a great little story that I think demonstrates really well how our psychological fears have a huge amount of control over how our bodies function. This gives me hope for my sexual future now that my fears have a spotlight focused on them here with you, in my own mind, and in my relationship. I know that fears often don't last too long when you're focused on fighting them in a rational and honest way.

My parents, when they were first together, really wanted to have kids (they actually did love each other and want a family together for at least a little while before they decided it would be better, instead, to try to kill each other!). They focused on it, they worked on it, and nothing happened. The pressure mounted. The fears mounted. They had so much of their hopes and dreams and visions of their lives pinned on the presence of children in their home, that I'm sure that each month that went by with no results became more "proof" that their future was sure to be bleak. (This is also a great example of how ATTACHMENT to things can really wreck your life - see my previous posts and The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra for more on the serious problem of attachment.)

My mom, at age 30, was considered kind of old for having kids back then. I'm sure that played significantly into the fear and doubt they battled. This was way before the age of artificial insemination, but, had it been around, I bet my parents would at least have looked into it, even though it is enormously expensive.

In the end, they gave up hope that they could ever have children of their own, and they turned to adoption. They managed to adopt my sister, Leslie, right after she was born, and she was home with her new family at only 2 days of age.

With their excitement and joy and love, the burden of fear and pressure to conceive was completely lifted. Their dreams were realized, though not in the traditional way. And, they were fulfilled.

And, strangely enough, 3 months after they brought their new daughter home, they conceived. They hadn't even been trying anymore! It was just a simple act of love, and, hello world, here I come!

You see? Our minds significantly shape our reality - not just in how we interpret the world around us, like I have always focused on in this blog, but also in how our bodies are able to engage in that reality.

How do you think your mind might be affecting your body??

The amazing power of the truth (or "Sex, Part II")

This is part 2 of a short series on the glorious eradication of my last (hopefully!) irrational belief that has kept me thinking and acting in dysfunctional and self-destructive ways, even 2+ years after my recovery. Please read Part 1 here first.

It amazes me that I can be 36 years old, 2+ years recovered from bulimia, rage, depression, and panic disorder, and STILL be unable to deal honestly with my sexual realities! This is exactly why you (and I) cannot stop working on growth, self-awareness, and open, honest communication (with others AND ourselves) just because we no longer actively binge and purge. This stuff is all connected. You can blame it on having learned the wrong things growing up or just plain old bad self-esteem. But, the effects are the same.

Use my story as proof of this: if you find yourself persistently bothered or unhappy about something, you need to get it out into the light, focus on it, research it, ask for help if you need it, and work to FIX IT. Don’t keep telling yourself that you have to learn to live with it. You don’t. Just like with bulimia recovery, you simply do not yet have the right information and tools. Get off your ass, and DO SOMETHING about it.

The problem that I was dishonest with Todd about is that I don’t physically crave sex. Yikes – there it is in writing for the whole world to see. I do enjoy the emotional and psychological aspects of it. But, physically, I could take it or leave it. Mostly, I would prefer to leave it. Yikes again.

I have most often blamed my lack of sex drive on the various medications I’ve taken over the years to deal with my anxiety, depression, and bulimia. I figure I’ve been on something or another for probably 10 out of the 13 years since I first really “got” sex at age 23. Losing sex drive is a very well known side effect of all these medications. But, because I don’t have a long enough history of being sexual without being on meds, I honestly don’t know if there is more to it. Of course, I’ve always been very scared and somewhat convinced there is much more to it.  That fear has been incredibly powerful.

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SIDEBAR

I know many of you are quite young and not yet having sex. Based on my own experience, if you have an ED (or not), I would highly recommend that you delay becoming sexual until you recover or at least until you reach your early to mid-twenties. I had my first sexual experience at age 17, and I never enjoyed it until I was 23 when I had my first orgasm. My first orgasm, by the way, was by myself! It took many more months for me to be able to have one with an actual partner! All that time without “getting” sex just made me more neurotic that I wasn’t “normal.” This made it even harder for me to enjoy it. It was always just an incredible amount of pressure and anxiety, that continued to build over the years.

I strongly urge you to wait until you’ve learned:

1) to trust yourself: your wants, your body, your intuition, your values,

2) to say no, mean it, and feel good about it no matter what the repercussions,

3) to be able to communicate about sex openly and honestly with your partner.

Sex can really complicate relationships. And, trust me, if you are an obsessive thinker or worrier (I bet many or most of you are!), sex will add a whole new layer of stuff to obsess about on a daily basis.

Please, do yourself a loving and self-affirming favor that you will surely thank yourself for later . . . just wait.

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Just like with most if not all secrets, eventually the truth comes out. And, for Todd or anyone from whom the truth is withheld, it feels like he has been lied to all that time. And, it hurts him. And, it scares him. I thought for sure we wouldn’t make it another week when I first was truthful to Todd.

Todd has had quite a few relationships where, a year or so in, the woman comes out with a secret about her true nature – something she hadn’t felt safe to reveal before. Todd is left realizing the woman he fell in love with was just a façade – just make believe. He is left struggling to get to know this new person while simultaneously mourning the loss of the woman he thought he knew so well. And, here I am, almost two years into our relationship, doing the exact same thing. Of course, I didn’t really want to tell him about my little secret – I just simply couldn’t hide it well enough anymore.

Todd expected, from his own experiences and conditioning, that given enough time with me playing my charade, I would end up resenting him. I hate to admit it, but this is 100% true. It happened in every one of my long-term relationships. I ended up comparing my compromise –my sacrifice- to what they gave to me. They always came up very far short. A secret is a huge weight to bear. Add that burden to the pressure and anxiety of trying to work up the motivation and energy (or an excuse) for the possibility of sex every night we went to bed together, and it would be very difficult for a man to give to me in equal measure . . . especially considering that I always found it very difficult if not impossible to ASK for what I wanted from him, in bed or out. And, in all my years, I have never dated a man who could read my mind. So, I reacted automatically to Todd’s upset at learning my secret with defensiveness, anger, and, yes, resentment. Only later could I comprehend how much I had hurt him.

My rationale, however faulty, for not being honest was simple: what good could possibly come of it? I had no idea how to solve my sex drive problem. What could HE possible do to solve it? Perhaps he would try harder: that would only add to the pressure, now weighing on us both. Perhaps he would feel responsible and embarrassed; that’s the last thing I wanted. No, it always seemed a much better idea to just keep it myself. That would at least eliminate some of the pressure: the pressure of having to try to explain, to constantly reassure, to perform.

My sex issues are the number 1 reason why I’ve always figured I would end up alone, no matter how much I love my boyfriend or how much I love having a partner to share life with. I guess I always knew deep down that this is too big a secret. It is too much pressure; too big a burden. It breeds too much resentment. It would be so much easier to just be alone.

This is why I am so incredibly thankful that it all blew up with Todd last week.

We had a really tough and scary couple of days. But, since then, I have felt incredibly free and light and hopeful. My vision of my life has changed dramatically with just a little honest communication, albeit with me feeling scared to death . . . We are both committed to figuring this out together. I stopped my anti-anxiety meds on Saturday. For good. No more. I'm not hiding behind them anymore. I plan to discuss my sex drive with my doctor the next time I go in. And, Todd and I are going to spend a lot of time and energy exploring, communicating, and trying new things - even if I continue to feel awkward and scared.

I want to have physical desire for sex. I want to feel that rush of excitement while looking forward to a romantic evening with the man I love. I want it. I deserve it. I’m going to work to achieve it. No more hiding behind my faulty beliefs, my shame, my anxiety, my secrets, my judgments that I’m doomed to be this way forever.

And, strangely enough, I’m feeling significantly friskier already. I guess that’s the power of letting go of a burdensome secret and being honest, even if you're scared to death.

Think about it.

The truth shall set you free

As I just barely mentioned in the second to last paragraph in this post, my relationship with Todd has not been perfect, not that a wonderful, happy relationship has to be perfect or will, in fact, ever be. But, there was one problem that, we now realize, probably would have ruined us forever. Maybe not this week, but surely somewhere down the line.

The problem was that I wasn’t honest with him about something. I am spilling my guts here to you (even though it’s still embarrassing to me) because I believe this is very important for all of you, too. I have been committed since day 1 of this blog to be completely honest with you, so here it all is . . . even though it took a crisis and over 2 years to get here.

The reasons I wasn’t honest with Todd, why I felt I couldn’t be honest, are exactly what I write about all the time. The bottom line is this:

1)       I had irrational beliefs based on past conditioning. And, I felt the risks were just too big to push beyond those fears to actually test them.  I tell you all the time that you have to take risks to prove to yourself that most of your fears are irrational so you can push through them and defeat them forever, especially now that you’re an adult and probably dealing with people who aren’t the ones who conditioned you to develop these irrational beliefs in the first place.

2)       Perhaps because I didn’t work on these specific issues with my coach during recovery, I wasn’t entirely consciously aware that my choices in this area were being controlled by these irrational beliefs. I knew I wasn’t being honest, but I couldn’t identify that my rationale for being dishonest was irrational and so needed to be focused on in a conscious, active way.

The second point above is why I think this discussion, in this post and the short series to follow, may be one of the most important so far in this blog. The topic is hugely relevant to every one of you as it is to me. But, it’s just not often explored publicly, even with my every expensive coach who knew I was completely messed up about most things in life, and I was dependent on him to teach me everything from scratch. Even I haven’t felt comfortable “going there” in my blog, although I talk about just about everything else.

So, what was the thing that probably would have broken Todd and me up someday? What was the last issue (hopefully!) that I have continued to harbor dangerous, controlling, irrational beliefs about that unconsciously threatened the life I want for myself, even as I work so hard consciously to create it?

SEX

So, there it is. We have to talk about it. And, we’re going to use me as the prime example of why we have to talk about it.

Sex is a very important and integral component of adulthood. Most people want to someday get married and have kids. But, NO ONE can get around dealing with sex – in relationships or even alone with ourselves. We have biological urges for intimacy, for the physical expression of love for others, and, let’s be totally truthful, for simply “getting off.” We can’t help it. We’re biologically built with these urges (some people more than others, of course) just to keep the species alive, if nothing else.

So, consciously dealing with sex and our feelings and beliefs about it is really just as important as consciously dealing with food and our feelings and beliefs about that. If you can’t deal well emotionally and communicate openly about sex, you’re going to eventually have problems. Perhaps you’ll avoid relationships, perhaps you’ll take out your anxiety and frustration about it using food, perhaps you’ll use a different coping/avoiding mechanism like fighting or creating drama. I’ve used all of these in my adult life. And, I always end up wrecking relationships, as well as my physical health, happiness, and sanity.

But, the time came for me (not willingly or courageously, that’s for sure) to ‘fess up to Todd. Get comfy with this topic, I’ll be sharing more tomorrow.

Lasting damage after bulimia

I got an email from a recovered bulimic who is concerned about her lingering digestive problems. She hadn’t found anything in my blog about any lasting damage from my 14 years with bulimia. She wrote,

“I have had trouble with reflux and GERD, and they are making my life mildly uncomfortable. I worry however what they may lead to in the long run. Have you had any problems with your digestive tract and or esophagus? Perhaps you know someone who has and know what they went through and how they went about treating it.”

I am putting this out to you all since I, personally, haven’t experienced any lasting digestive problems (that I’m aware of, anyway). I take antacids sometimes after spicy meals. I never used to do that, but I was a kid before I became bulimic, and I don’t think kids usually have to take antacids for stuff like that. I’m 36 now, and I don’t think it’s that unusual at my age.

I've heard quite a few complaints from readers about GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease) and other intestinal tract problems, but they’re all still actively binging & purging. I also know that antacids and acid blocker medicines do a killing business in the US. Are all their customers bulimics? I don't think so. I think many people suffer due to our typical lifestyles of fast food, little to no exercise, and a lot of stress and worry. I haven't noticed any mention of lasting GERD in the blogs of other recovered bulimics, like Christine Kane or Heather, have you? I have another recovered friend, Bridget, that I will ask and get back to you.

My only lasting effect is my teeth. They are thin and very sensitive, and they turn a really nasty gray color when I drink red wine. I hate that, since I really enjoy red wine! But, I am very happy that they are all still intact. My dentist thinks my teeth are in damn good shape considering I had bulimia for 14 years. So, I thank the universe and Rolaids & Tums for my good luck. If you are having more severe problems with your teeth, there is increasing awareness among dentists about bulimia and how to deal with the after-effects. I know that Dr. Brian McKay of Advanced Cosmetic & Laser Dentistry has actually written a book on Bulimia & Dentistry that will be coming out soon. I wrote about this group over a year ago in this post, Dental problems from bulimia. And, they’re still working hard to get the word out that dentists need to be the first line of communication and possible intervention with bulimics.

I also asked the woman who emailed me if she wouldn’t mind sharing with me more about HOW she recovered and for how long she has been recovered, but I haven’t heard back yet. I’ll keep you posted on that if I do. It could just be that weird, uncomfortable interim period when her body is getting back to normal. We’ve talked about that before: the expected bloating and uncomfortable feelings of fullness.

For now, please leave comments and share your own experiences with intestinal problems, especially if you have recovered or experienced a prolonged period without purging.

Happy Memorial Day (for those in the US)

I'm down at Todd's parents' house for the long weekend. This is the first chance I've had to get to the computer! As usual, we've been super busy the last 2 days. Today, I opted out of our regular morning trip to the beach for surfing and kayaking, so I have some time to get caught up with you.

Each morning, Todd has been surfing, and I've been kayaking. It's been a lot of fun, but kayak-surfing by myself is harder than I thought! Yesterday, I realized that I didn't know how to steer once I was on a wave. So far, it hadn't really mattered. But, one particular wave, I found myself heading right for a surfer, and I couldn't do anything to stop myself! I ended up going right up on top of him in the kayak! I basically landed the boat on his back! I was ready to get screamed at (and, I would have deserved every bit). But, instead, he was very understanding and cool about it. I apologized profusely then headed back out to Todd, and I realized Todd was laughing his head off! I was mortified and horrified, and Todd couldn't stop laughing. That bugger. I said, "yeah, you keep laughing til I end up on top of you! Now, teach me how to steer this @#!% thing!!"

It's been a really nice weekend. Todd's parents have other company staying at the house, too. It's a couple that I've known for almost as long as I've known Todd's parents. They're wonderful people - they're related somehow, but I forget how. I've met their kids and grand-kids, too. So, it's been a full, happy house. We've also seen a lot of Todd's brother, his wife, and their 3 kids. It's such a wonderful and comforting opposite to the family I grew up with and had to deal with unexpectedly last week.

Anyway, I got your emails and comments, and I'll get back to you during the week. It's tough here cuz there are so many people, and I'm typing on a Mac which completely confounds me!

If you don't get a personal response from me, there are 3 reasons, 1) I'm out of town or super busy, 2) your email ended up in the trash bin cuz the Subject looked too much like all the other hundreds of spam emails I get each day, or 3) your question or situation has really stumped me. There is one young woman, Beth, who is living in such chaos and upset, that I really have found no good words for her. So, like many human beings, I really struggle and end up procrastinating. Each one of your notes, however, is very important to me. I read each one about 3 times before I respond (or procrastinate).

I hope you're all doing well and taking time to be thankful for all the beauty around you every day.

More tips for friends & family

I got another email from a very good friend of a bulimic. He’s completely beside himself, not knowing how to act or what to say. He thinks he’s making one mistake after the other with her. I’ve compiled some of what I wrote to him here:

First of all, you should read this post: Tips for friends & family of bulimics. It gives some of the more obvious (to me, anyway) things you should consider.

I feel really badly for you, because, as you already seem to understand, there isn't much you can do to help. And, I'm sure it must be very painful to be aware of everything and yet be helpless to do anything about it.

Even if you are very careful with what you say, how you look at her, and how you act around her, you can never be sure how she's feeling inside. She may feel and react very irrationally. You should understand that much of her thoughts are irrational and chaotic. That's what makes bulimia so appealing - the physical acts of over-eating and purging are extremely calming. I don't know why, but it's like a drug. It quiets the chaos and irrationality, and enables the bulimic to rest and to eventually figure out the next step. I, personally, couldn't make any significant decisions or take on any important tasks without first binging and throwing up.

One thing to keep clear in your own head - her irrational thoughts are not reflective of some deeper mental illness or anything. Generally, her mind is a mess because for every decision she has to make, she thinks of 20 different options and why each one is the "right" one. Then, she'll obsess about it - she'll hear in her head all the arguments for each one, and she'll end up paralyzed with fear about making the wrong choice.

She never learned how to trust herself to 1) know which of the 20 options is best for her, and 2) be OK knowing that her choice doesn't have to be perfect - she will be just fine and happy no matter the outcome, as long as she followed her heart in making the choice.

As soon as I was taught (by my professional, personal coach) to dig deep and listen to my heart (not my fearful, judgmental and critical head), I began to trust myself and the chaos began to dissipate. Soon, I no longer needed the bulimia to calm myself - I just didn't get all messed up in the first place. Keep in mind that the stuff she needs to learn may be very obvious to you, but she was never taught it. You can relatively easily make choices and be ok with them and move on. You'll have to be patient with her.

Regarding your question, yes, it is a call for help from her. BUT, there is nothing you can do to help her. SHE has to make the decision to get help and then do all the work required for recovery. And, for an active bulimic, that is a very scary thought. We don't believe that 1) we can live without it, and 2) life would be worth living without it. We don't understand at that point that we CAN LEARN how to NOT NEED a coping mechanism, how to remain calm and peaceful inside with no need to numb ourselves, how to live life in a way that isn't difficult or horrifying, how to trust ourselves to make the right decisions for us.

Mike, you can't hold yourself accountable to her. You can never know what she really wants from you. At times, she'll wish you would bring it up and talk with her about it. At other times, she'll wish you would just act like you never knew. You are almost surely going to be "wrong" at any one time. My only suggestion is to get her some of the books and/or CDs I recommend on my blog or in that "Tips for friends & family of bulimics" post. If she listens to an iPod, you can get digital copies of many of my selections at Audible.com. But, get her LEARNING. She will never find her own way out without some education, OK? Getting education is crucial. But, that's all you can do.

Changing environments, such as asking her to move in with you or something, won't do a thing. Oftentimes, change just makes things worse. Bulimics have a very hard time with uncertainty (hence her having difficulties with spontaneity) cuz they don't trust that they'll be able to deal with new situations. It really all comes down to a severe lack of self-trust. Plus, consider that they get an almost panic-driven compulsion to binge & purge in situations that are tense, uncertain, frightening, or at all uncomfortable, and it's no wonder they're afraid to go far from home. When they get in that panic, it's the worst feeling in the world, and the only thing that stops it is throwing up.

A couple other points:

1) She doesn't like herself, so it's no wonder she expects that others like your father won't like her either . . .

2) The statistics ARE terrible for recovery. But, here I am, totally recovered and much more healthy than many people who never had an illness like bulimia. I don't much like many current treatment methodologies, but working with my coach was like a miracle. And, it didn't take long for me to grow away from bulimia completely. That's why I do my blog. I'm trying to teach everything I learned and share it for free. If I didn't have this blog, I could walk away from my past with bulimia like it never happened at all. It can be done.

If I were you, I would let her know that you will always be there for her in any way. BUT, you cannot read her mind about her moods and what she might want/need from you at any one time. You need her to give you a sign when she wants to talk. Perhaps you can come up with an agreed upon signal, like she makes you each a cup of tea, or she asks you to go for a walk or something. Then, you can talk freely about it. At all other times, you should treat her like she's completely normal (except for asking her out for pizza or ice cream or something like that!). This arrangement is exactly what *I* would have wanted. But, of course, we're all different.

Response from my dad

First, you need to read this post. Then come back and read this one.

I just got an email back from my father in response to the one I sent. He wrote:

Dear Michelle,

What is all this crap that you sent?

My e-mail was an offer to start ANEW. There is no going back or changing the past.

No pity parties. No garbage from the past and drinking has never brought us happiness.

We would really like to be a family again and we wish you peace and happiness but come as an adult or don’t come.

Love,

Dad

Yeah – somehow I don’t think he’s changed at all! I guess we’ll just stick with our status quo of estrangement.

I'm relieved. I had a feeling this was all a bad idea. By the way, in mentioning "drinking," he was referring to my first email I wrote him asking for a day to process his first email. I had written:

Hi Dad.

I admit that it was nice to get this email from you. But, I have a lot of thinking to do - about what I want and what could reasonably be expected from trying to work on a relationship. I'm going to need a day or two to process, and I'll get back to you.

It's funny - I was just looking at photos this weekend from our cruise - our scuba excursion in particular. Seriously! It's quite a coincidence to hear from you today. Remember how happy we all were that day on the sailboat? Remember what fun it was drinking & dancing together? I thought to myself how I don't have any other photos of you, Sandy, or Hope when you were that completely, honestly joyful.

Give me a day or two. I'll get back to you.

I truly hope you're doing well.

Michelle

I think he's gone completely looney-tunes, off the deep-end. Oh well. I'm happy with the way I handled it - and that sense of personal satisfaction is all we can ever hope or strive for in the world.

Unexpected email from my dad

It’s so weird – my father wrote me an email today asking if we couldn’t try being a family again. He disowned me 5 years ago, June 5.

We’ve spent over 12 out of my 36 years NOT talking to each other. That’s a third of my whole life. I didn’t talk to him from age 16 through age 23 or so. And, then he disowned me at age 31, and we haven’t spoken since – except for some messed up, screaming phone conversations when my sister died.

We had some really good years when I was in Boston, from age 26 to age 30 or so, and he even came to my grad school graduation, but then it all went completely to hell.

I’ve been at a good, accepting place about it all in the last couple of years. In fact, this very weekend, I spent at least an hour going through old photos of my life with my dad & step-mother and sharing stories with Todd about some of the very best, happy, and fun times we had together. So, it was quite a weird coincidence to hear from him today.

I’m really impressed that I didn’t freak out or get all weird or anything when I saw the note from him this morning. I wrote back saying I would need a day to process, and then I went about my work day as normal. I thought about it during lunch and wrote back again. Here is what I wrote:

Hi again, Dad.

I've been thinking about your email, and I would really like to know what you think about these questions:

1) What made you change your mind about a relationship with me? There may not a particular reason, but I'm curious if there is.

2) What would your expectations from me be in terms of a relationship? Are they realistic based on what you know of me?

3) Why do you think things would be any different? There was a time when you were disappointed with me as a person and a daughter. What makes you think you won't end up disappointed and/or hurt again? Do you really want to take that risk? Do *I* want to take the emotional & psychological risk of having you disown me again??

I haven't changed much in terms of what you could expect from me. In fact, after going through coaching, I will actually be LESS likely to work just to try to get your approval like I've done in the past. If I couldn't please you back then, I definitely won't be able to do it now.

I can't swallow my upset anymore - that's why I was so messed up for so long. Instead, I work to communicate, and if that doesn't work, I have to just walk away. I wouldn't try to change you; I would work very hard to accept you for what you are and what you aren't. But, I won't willingly allow pain and anger into my life again. I have surrounded myself with just a few people who accept me as I am, and I have let go of people who invite conflict or drama or upset. I am becoming the person I most want to be, and I won't change that for anyone. Of course, not everyone will like that person. That's ok with me, but it may not work for you.

I've gotten to the point where I can share photos & stories of my past with you (that's what I was doing this weekend with my boyfriend, Todd), and laugh and enjoy all the good parts while forgetting all the bad parts. I don't want to introduce any new bad parts to screw it all up again. Yes, it's kind of sad that we're estranged, but for most of my life, it seems like we've both been happier with things that way. Not everyone is meant to get along (or capable of getting along??) really well - even in families. Perhaps we're just too different to enjoy each other or enhance each other's lives in a positive way? You have to admit that we're very different people. That's totally ok - but, it just doesn't make for very satisfying relationships.

Your idea seems good on the surface, but I'm just wondering why you think things could possibly end up any differently. To me, I don't see how they could . . . ?

So, we’ll see what he has to say about that. I’m pretty sure he just thinks we “should” be a family again without really thinking through the “how” and the “why.” I gave him a lot to think about. I’ll keep you posted.

New Kayak for Malibu this summer!

Todd bought a brand new one person kayak yesterday! Yippee! He got it off Craig's list for a significant discount over buying it retail (he's SUCH a good online shopper). He got it especially for Malibu, when he's alone during the week. But, I'm excited since now I can go out "surfing" with him when we're in La Jolla with his family. He can borrow a board from his brother, and we can bring the kayak down there for me. Now, I don't have to stay home. I can get out on the water, too.

Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success on DVD

I mentioned just briefly in my last post about how I’ve been more easily agitated since I cut way back on my anti-anxiety meds. I’m actually a bit less patient, accepting, allowing, kind, generous, etc. I’ve been bothered by things that used to just bounce right off me. I’ve been frustrated by this, and this frustration has only added to my sense of having lost some ground in my growth.

But, wouldn’t you know it? Out of nowhere I get a very random email that only barely escaped getting deleted as spam. I was contacted by a woman who works for M80 and Fox Entertainment about the Seven Spiritual Laws of Success, by Deepak Chopra. She had found my post about it here after I had listened to it on CD and recommended it to all of you. She asked if I wouldn’t mind reviewing the new movie based on the book. I said, of course, I would love to!

While watching this incredibly visually beautiful DVD, I realized that it’s not that I’ve regressed in my growth, it’s that I have stopped actively practicing. The DVD was a wonderful refresher course, and it strongly inspired me to pick up where I had left off in my commitment to practice living my core values every single day – even when I’m tired and when circumstances are extra challenging.

Living well is like playing a musical instrument well. It takes education and a lot of commitment and practice. But, just like the beautiful music you create even as you practice an instrument, you are rewarded with love, pride, and peace when you practice living according to your values. If you stop practicing, you stop experiencing and reaping rewards.

More on the DVD

I hope you all read the book or listened to it on CD like I did. But, if you didn’t, this new DVD is the best introduction to Chopra’s “Secrets.” It stays true to the original message, and I was so pleasantly surprised when all my favorite bits of wisdom were repeated here. But, the DVD is very helpful in that the wisdom is also taught through the words of regular people (some of whom you may know) who had used the lessons and reaped wonderful results. They share stories and examples that we all can relate to, like:

·          how to stay accepting and peaceful inside during uncomfortable external conditions like horrible traffic (this challenges me every commute),

·          how to stay detached and hopeful and even excited and grateful when things go “wrong” like if you get let go from your job.

The DVD prominently features Olivia Newton-John who I love and who I know has had some heartbreaking challenges in her life. But, the wisdom she gained from Chopra helped her to get through it all and remain creative, loving, grateful, and so happy to be alive and committed to her purpose in life – creating and sharing beautiful music.

The DVD comes with a Study Guide on the Seven Laws. This is a great idea since it briefly sums up each law in a sentence or two and gives three steps/ideas to practice each law until it becomes habit. When you practice each step, you are rewarded with good feelings that will put you on an upward spiral of practice, reward, practice, reward. Personally, I had stopped my active practice and so I haven’t been reaping the rewards as much and my peace has suffered.

Chopra is not the easiest teacher to understand. I listened to the CD about 4 times in a row, and each time I got more out of it. So, this DVD is a real blessing in that it teaches the basics in a very easy to understand way, and it makes it easy to apply the wisdom in every day challenges and choices. The DVD is really just a good introduction, though. I would strongly encourage you to follow up with the original book or the CD. There is much more incredible stuff there than the DVD shares.

One thing I know for sure: At the end of the DVD, I had tears in my eyes, and I felt renewed optimism and excitement about this life-long journey of my life. And, I felt incredibly blessed that this little gem basically fell into my lap right when I needed it most.

On ex-boyfriends and being a "super cool girlfriend"

Last week one night over dinner, Todd & I were talking about our ex’s a bit. I can’t remember how it started or much of the detail. But, I realized something pretty amazing during the course of our conversation.

Many of my ex-boyfriends believed I was just about the coolest girlfriend ever. Seriously! I’m not bragging here – give me a minute. I remember my college boyfriend told me when I saw him many years later that he judged all new girlfriends by his memory of me. I’ve had many ex’s try to get back together with me, or at least get all mushy on me if I happened to run into them even years later.

BUT, the key thing is this . . . I could be so “cool” cuz I kept all my issues tucked away inside so I could deal with them in my favorite way in private. I “swallowed” any disagreement, any jealousy, any insecurity, any thought or emotion that could possibly bog down our fun times together. Cuz that’s what I believed my relationships should be all about: fun. If I stopped being fun, there would be no reason for them to continue hanging out with me, right? After each of our dates, I would go home and binge & purge until I was completely numb and couldn’t care less. If things ever got too stressful with most of my ex-boyfriends, for the most part, I could simply LEAVE and to take care of my business.

The thing I realized is that all the bad and/or difficult relationships I had (there are 3 that I can think of right now) were with guys I either lived with or spent weekends living with (like the guy I dated right before Todd – he lived so far away, I spent every entire weekend with him). One big reason these relationships were such a mess is that I couldn’t LEAVE. Granted, every time I was alone I would make good use of my time between the kitchen and bathroom. And, there were many times I would leave to “go shopping” or “go to work” (purging in the car was never fun – but always an option in desperate times). But, for the most part, I couldn’t easily escape whenever things got stressful or uncomfortable.

These were the guys that saw the full extent of:

*my rage, when I would unexpectedly blow up at them and just spew hateful, mean, irrational things,

*my panic, when relatively silly things would send me into a complete, irrational freak out, with no way for them to calm me down or make me realize how crazy I sounded,

*my depression, when I all I could do is spend some weekend days in bed or on the couch watching TV or sleeping. When I couldn’t crack a smile; when all they heard from me all day was deep sighs of hopelessness. When I had no energy for or interest in anything at all.

I couldn't use my coping mechanism whenever I most needed it, in times of insecurity, anxiety, discomfort, upset, etc. So, the pressure would just build & build and come out all over whomever was near - the guy I was living with.

Anyway, it was cool to realize all this because I’ve been living with Todd for over 3 years now, in a relationship together for almost 2 years of that time, and he still can’t believe I could be THAT crazy. We’ve never had a screaming argument (which was by far the most worrisome of my “symptoms” to my ex’s). I can talk to him about anything I’m thinking and feeling. Even if I’m still a bit irrational and/or anxious, we just talk it through. I never go off the deep end. I never lose it.

Our relationship is not "perfect," that's for sure, but it's the best one I've had to date (and, I've had a lot of them in my 36 years). Things have gotten more difficult for us, too, since I've cut way back on my anti-anxiety meds. I get bothered much more easily. Things that I didn't even notice before now bug me and give me tension. I’ll write more about this later, and I found one great way to continue my personal/spiritual growth even though I have lost some of my crutch.

I guess I’m telling you all this cuz I want you to believe that you, too, can learn how to conquer your most out of control bad habits and compulsions. It can be done. I’m certainly not perfect. But, I’m pretty damn happy with my progress so far! Todd doesn’t even KNOW how lucky he is! Of course, he wouldn’t have put up with my old crap for too long. I’m really proud of me. And, I make sure to reflect often on how far I’ve come and how my continued efforts (each & every day – when I slack off, I can really feel it) get me closer to being the person I most want to be.

Todd's bday BBQ

I guess we've been having too many fun things going on lately for me to be serious about the true nature of this blog. At least I can continue to share with you instead of going missing . . .

Today we're having a little BBQ with a dual purpose: it's Todd's best friend's nephew's college graduation day (that's a mouthful, huh?), and Todd's Bday is on Monday. We're combing the 2 cuz Todd & his best friend's family are all friends, so it made sense.

We're going to continue to celebrate Todd all week. On his real bday (Monday), I'm splurging on a very special dinner for just the two of us. I can't tell you where now, since it's a surprise for him. But, I'll share later. Then, next Friday night, all of Todd's good friends are getting together for another dinner since some of them happen to be out of town this weekend and can't make it to the BBQ.

One exciting surprise is that the pool is up to 78 degrees, completely on it's own. Last year, we had to turn the heat on for Todd's bday. Now, if the fog would just burn off, we'll hopefully be swimming later today. Yippee!

I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your sweet and supportive comments you've left me over the past few weeks. It means a lot. You are all just about the kindest, most warm-hearted people I could ever hope to know.

Kentucky Derby Party pics

Since I’ve been gone so long, I thought I’d put up some pics to get back in your good graces!

The first is from our April trip to Hawaii. We only took a couple of photos since we were at the same beach last year.

The next few pics are from Todd’s family’s annual Kentucky Derby party last weekend.

Yes, we look very colorful. Between the two of us, I think we’re wearing every color of the rainbow. And then some. Here are all 4 of Todd's nephews & 1 niece before they got too dirty:

This little girl just floored me:

She looks exactly the way my sister looked at her age. Throw in her little retro outfit, and she could have been my sister’s identical twin. Isn’t she just precious?? Now I’ll have to find a good baby pic of my sister and scan it for you. I almost completely lost it thinking about the twists & turns of my sister’s life from that happy age until she died at age 34. She's standing in front of "The Canty Brothers Band:" Todd and his brother and occassionally their father sing and play guitar, bass, and keyboard. They have a 150 song songbook now, and they're pretty darn good! Plus, this year, they added a drummer to the crew, so it's even better.

We had a great time. I learned that my camera can take mini-movies! This is why you should always read directions, people! I've had this darn camera 2 years, and I JUST learned about it! Check out these 2 little clips of people dancing. I think it's actually funnier with no sound! Todd is singing in the background, and his brother & sister-in-law are dancing with a woman friend (the one with the baby). OMG, we were all too ridiculous!

  Download gettin_down.MOV

This one is of Todd's brother & sister dancing. That whole family loves to dance, and they can really get down. Excuse Todd's arm in the way at the end.

Download tab_tim.MOV

It amazes me and makes me very proud of myself how I ended up part of this amazing family. To think my last boyfriend broke up with me because my mother was bi-polar, and he thought for sure I would end up nuts (MORE nuts than I was at the time?!) or that our potential future children would be nuts. Not to mention that my father disowned me (not a good indicator of my character); my sister committed suicide; I was bulimic and full of rage, panic, and depression for 14 years; and my mom checked out at age 54 cuz she believed smoking was her only pleasure in life. Depressing.

But, the beautiful thing is that I got help, and I learned how to change and grow and become the person I most wanted to be. And, a big part of who I want to be is to be part of a big, happy, loving and fun-loving family where I'm not the black sheep, where I'm enjoyed for who I am (warts & all), where people expect me to be around and part of everything. These are the rewards that make having to dig up the courage to push through the fear of unfamiliarity all worthwhile.

Back from jury duty

I'm really sorry I've gone missing for the last 2 weeks. I've been serving jury duty, and it completely occupied me during that time. It was very interesting, but it also caused me some lost sleep since it was a criminal case, and the jurors basically held the fate of the defendant in our hands.

We finished up yesterday with a "guilty" to a very small pot possession charge and a "not guilty" on a felony crack cocaine selling charge. We all pretty much believed the guy was guilty, but the prosecution failed to prove it beyond a reasonable doubt. It's too bad for everyone involved. It was only $25 worth of crack cocaine, but we were in court over it for just under 2 weeks. And, there was really no evidence at all, because the cops thought it would be just an open and shut case. But, you can't put a guy away (potentially for a VERY long time - it was his 3rd strike), with no evidence but one cop saying he saw him doing it over a police camera at 11:00 at night. We couldn't come back with a "guilty" verdict even if we all believed it was true.

What a huge waste.

Anyway, it was a really positive experience. I bonded with 11 other people from all over LA and from very different livlihoods. We had an orthopedic surgeon from Bel Air, a UPS driver from South LA, a Turkish woman who barely understood the language (neither lawyer seemed to be bothered by this at all!), and various other people. But, we all worked hard to communicate our opinions to each other; we all worked hard to understand each others' points of view and opinions; we all were open to changing our minds based on our fellow jurors' words - no matter who they all were.

As we all left (all 12 of us crammed in one elevator), we joked and made each other laugh and feel great - knowing we did the best we could do; knowing we did the right thing under the particular circumstances. It was very cool. I highly recommend you all step up when called, even though it's scary and stressful, and even though you'll be tempted to say exactly whatever it is the lawyers don't want to hear, so you get sent home before the trial begins.

I'm going out to sit in the sun right now. Perhaps I'll do some writing out there. Todd offered to blow up my raft so I could float around the pool (my absolute favorite thing to do on the weekends). I have always done my best writing and thinking out there. So, perhaps I'll have something meaningful for you later. I hope you've all been doing great.

Love, me

First gray eyebrow hair!

Arghh! I just found one gray eyebrow hair! This is a sad moment for me. My head-hair is very gray, but my eyebrows have so far remained a lovely dark brown. But, no longer.

I'm mourning just a bit about this.

*sigh, pout, sigh*

I'm back from vacation!

Hi all! I had a wonderful time in Oahu with Todd and his WHOLE family. I thought there would be 8 adults and 5 kids in the house, but there were actually 9.5 adults! I say 9.5 cuz Todd's uncle was staying just down the street with Todd's cousins, who we stayed with last year. Todd's sister-in-law's mother also came with us. So, we had 2 grandmas and 1 grandpop. It was chaos, but it was really nice.

There was no fighting, no cattiness, no hurt feelings. Everyone pulled together to take care of the kids and each other. We all shared cooking, shopping, cleaning up, and watching the baby. I do think the grandmas got a little abused, however, watching the kids while the parents played! But, Todd says his mom used to pester all her 3 kids all the time about having grandkids, so he says he doesn't feel sorry for her at all!

We got back after midnight last night, and then I had to play with my babies for an hour and a half (I missed them SOO much!), so I'm pooped here at work today. I hope that I can get my pics off my camera and post them tonight or tomorrow. We only took a few photos of us this year, though. Todd's brother has a bunch more. Hopefully, we'll have those next week.

My favorite parts of the trip were when Todd & I took off and went kayak-surfing by ourselves. We went out 3 days. One day the swell was pretty big for our Malibu kayak, and we got flipped over, end over end. I thought we were toast! Other than that fright, it was great fun. Todd is a great surfer, so we caught tons of waves, and I learned a lot about surfing. I hope to get out on a surf board again this summer. This year, I may even try paddling myself instead of making Todd push me onto the waves!

I hope you guys are all doing well. I'll be getting caught up on my sister and brother bloggers later this week.

Love, me

Vaca and update on my "exercise plan"

So, we're finally heading out to Hawaii tomorrow. Thank goodness! I really want a break from my job!

Things didn't work out quite like I had planned (of course!). Since I didn't get any exercise for Dec or Jan, my plan was to be pretty diligent at working out through Feb and March so I would be "ready" for this trip. I kept up my exercise plan until mid-March when other things began happening that took priority. I had an important speech to deal with one week, and the next two weeks? I hadn't told you, but I got pretty bad poison oak again. My top lip swelled up to 3 times its regular size after smooching my poison-oak-covered dog. Ugh. The rest of my body was in pretty bad shape, too! I couldn't bear the pain of working out on top of that. So, I stopped working out.

I got better, but then I just plain didn't want to do it. So, I didn't. It was a frustration to Todd I think because since he gets so much pleasure and stress-relief out of working out that he keeps hoping I'll get the same reaction. I just don't. At least not from the traditional type of "working out" that we do with weights and calisthenics. So, I just plain refused.

So, I'm going to Hawaii with a slightly bigger and flabbier body than I had planned. This would have been a disaster for me a few years ago. But, now I'm choosing to just shrug it off. I'm going to enjoy myself no matter what my body might look like (or should I say, "what I worry it looks like.")

It's funny which physical things I worry about these days. I haven't worried about exercise in 3 - 4 weeks. And, I'm letting my gray hair grow out. We had a BBQ on Saturday (first of the season; yay!), and I had a great time. It was all really nice and happy people and great food and great weather. One friend took me aside and told me that I really needed to start coloring my hair again. The gray is really aging me and taking away from my “pretty face.” But, for some reason, I just don't want to deal with it anymore. So, the gray stays. But, Todd helped me Nair my butt yesterday. Seriously.

Oh well. I’m just going along, feeling my way through my day to day decisions as best I can.

Last week I tried to reduce my anti-anxiety meds a bit more. But, then I stopped cuz I was getting more impatient and testy than I would prefer. I realized that I am a bit stressed about spending a week with Todd’s whole family (8 adults and 5 kids in one house). I know there is no rational reason to be stressed, but I honored it and decided to go back up to my regular dose of 10 mg/day. I’ll try it again after the vacation. It really is amazing how much better I feel on the meds! There is no pressing reason to stop taking it . . . I guess I just want to prove to myself that I can live perfectly well without it – even if I’m not as “perfect” as I can be with the meds.

I’ll continue to keep you posted. I hope you all are doing great. I’ll be on vaca until 4/10. I’ll check back in then. Love to you all!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the way to recovery!

I found a great article on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) you all should read. I have known about CBT, but I admit I never researched it much. It looks like my coach was practicing CBT with me without specifically calling it that. And, it’s what I’ve been working to teach you. That’s great news! If you can find a therapist or counselor specializing in it (with a proven track record – you’ll have to do some research), you’ll be getting essentially what I got with my coach, but it will be covered by insurance!

So, if any of you want to begin working with someone (therapist or counselor or whatever), get started researching professionals who have been trained in and have a track record in successfully teaching CBT. Be careful, though. The article goes on to warn that there is a quality issue among practitioners. You have to be very careful about researching how much a practitioner knows about it and how successful s/he has been in using it with clients.

Below are the best parts of the article. It sounds like all the stuff I talk about, doesn’t it?

Kerrin Gerson survived a traumatic and turbulent childhood growing up in the Deep South in the 1980s. Her mother died of breast cancer when Kerrin was 15; her relationship with her father disintegrated when he remarried soon after. She left home and spent her last two years of high school living out of her car or crashing with friends. "One moment I had a loving mother, and the next moment I had nothing. Absolutely nothing," she says.

She married at 26, divorced two years later, in 1996, and fell into even deeper depression. Antidepressants did little to ease her symptoms; Paxil made her anxiety worse. She had suicidal thoughts. "I was convinced I was worthless, unlovable and a fraud," says Gerson, now 39.

Today Gerson is off medication, out of therapy and happier than she has ever been. She owes her rebound to a startling revolution in psychological counseling that has taken four decades to unfold--and which now is spreading to the farthest reaches of American medicine. She fixed herself with cognitive behavioral therapy.

Gerson turned to CBT in 1997 after spotting an ad for a patient trial in a Nashville newspaper. She was surprised when her therapist, Vanderbilt University psychologist Steven Hollon, didn't bother to dwell on her troubled childhood. Instead, he focused on fixing the present. He made her write a log of daily activities and gave her homework assignments, such as a night out with friends. He zeroed in on her negative thoughts about herself and slowly convinced her that they were distortions.

"It turned out to be the greatest gift," says Gerson, a first-grade teacher who has just opened a yoga studio with a friend. CBT, she says, "saved my life and gave me an entirely new worldview."

And that is the essence of CBT: Depression, anxiety and other ills aren't the cause of a cascade of debilitating thoughts and self-loathing--they are, instead, a result of the same. Eliminate bad thoughts and you can short-circuit bad feelings. CBT drops the endless search for past hurts, teaches patients how to prevent negative thoughts from creeping into their minds and coaches them on how to cope. "We are starting to believe that what you think has a powerful influence on symptoms," says Harvard psychiatrist Arthur Barsky, who has tested CBT. "You first get the anxiety-producing ideas, and then you get the emotions." Boston University psychologist Michael Otto adds: "Now there is an alternative to being on the couch."

Moreover, CBT intentionally is finite in duration. It aims to push patients out of the shrink's office after only 10 to 25 visits, in sharp contrast to traditional psychotherapy that can run on for many years. (Some CBT patients need more.) That makes CBT particularly popular among employee health plans and insurers intent on reducing the costs of psychotherapy. "Woody Allen therapy is forever," says Hollon, Kerrin Gerson's shrink. "This is about taking action."

In dozens of small patient trials staged over three decades, cognitive behavioral therapy has been shown to be surprisingly effective in quelling an ever expanding array of mental maladies: depression, anxiety, panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive disorder, post-traumatic stress syndrome, bulimia, hypochondria--even insomnia. Now almost 150 clinical trials are under way to learn whether CBT also can help patients with Tourette's syndrome, gambling addiction, obesity, irritable bowel syndrome and more; one trial studies the therapy in children who have been sexually abused.

Even in New York City, modern-day mecca of psychoanalysis, CBT "is spreading everywhere," says New York psychologist Robert Leahy, author of The Worry Cure. His CBT practice in midtown Manhattan had little competition when he set up shop 24 years ago; now 150 or more rivals claim varying degrees of expertise in the method.

One Leahy patient, a bond trader, had been mildly depressed for years, ignoring the problem until he heard about CBT last year. The trader, 48, had grown up poor, working since age 11 and putting himself through college. Though he had millions in the bank, he constantly worried he would go broke. So Dr. Leahy had him review his finances at therapy sessions to convince himself he was in good shape; therapist exhorted patient to stop comparing himself to $100 million hedge-fund managers. "It's had a dramatic impact," the trader says. "Dr. Leahy got me to understand that it wasn't just about the money; it was about lifestyle and family. I am as happy as I have ever been."

Thomas Duffy, 59, says CBT helped him conquer his fear of bridges and tunnels. A medical salesman in New Jersey, he must drive to hospitals in four states, but in the late 1990s a car trip over a big bridge would spark a panic attack that felt like a crushing heart attack. He would leave home at dawn to allow time to drive around major spans such as the Verrazano-Narrows. He tried Xanax, an antianxiety pill, but it made him sleepy. Then Duffy heard a radio commercial about CBT while driving, and he signed up in 2000. In 12 weeks a therapist taught him breathing relaxation exercises, helped him confront his fears and slowly weaned him off drugs. Now he drives wherever he wants. "I would say I am cured."

[CBT’s founder,] Ellis today is 93, sickly and nearly deaf, but he still bristles with attitude. "Freud wasn't working, it was incompetent, so I looked around for something better," he says. He found inspiration in the words of the ancient philosopher Epictetus: "Men are disturbed not by things but by the principles and notions which they form concerning things." In 1955 he introduced a method called rational emotive behavior therapy that focused on eliminating irrational, self-defeating thoughts and replacing them with healthy ones.

"If you were abused, you accept it, too damn bad," he says. "You want to get rid of the idea, 'It harms me for life.'" Over the ensuing decades Ellis formed his own teaching institute and clinic, traveled the world and trained thousands of students.

Early on Beck [another CBT practitioner] noticed that his depressed patients always put the worst possible spin on everyday events, thinking things that had no real basis in reality: "Nobody loves me" or "It's hopeless." He theorized that distorted thoughts were the real cause of their bad bout of the blues. Replace the bad thoughts with better, more realistic ones and happier emotions would follow.

He started coaching patients face-to-face on how to critically evaluate their own fretting, teaching them to interpret everyday setbacks more realistically. The patients got better in just 10 to 12 weekly sessions. In 1975 he founded the Center for Cognitive Therapy at U. Penn, treated thousands of patients, trained 30 disciples who formed their own research programs to study CBT and indoctrinated another 50 or so who went into private practice; they established their own training programs. In 1994 he founded the nonprofit Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy & Research to help teach the method more widely. It is run by his 52-year-old daughter, Judith Beck.

CBT trials continued to turn in impressive results. In 1999 JAMA published a study saying CBT works for insomnia. In 2004 CBT was shown to alleviate hypochondria in six sessions; to help depressed adolescents and kids with obsessive compulsive disorder; to quell insomnia better than the drug Ambien over the long term. In 2005 CBT starred in studies of severe depression and in preventing suicide attempts.

Told another good friend

Last night Todd & I spent some time with some very old friends of mine. We have been close friends since attending college together way back when. I haven’t seen them in two years, but last night was like we hadn’t missed a beat. It was really nice. After a bunch of drinks, I gave my friend my business card with my blog on it. I hadn’t ever told him about my bulimia. But, something tells me he knows a lot about me that he never let on. I lived with him and his brother when I first came out to LA. I’m in California (and so happy for that) because of them. They invited me to stay with them on their couch until I got set up on my own. They’ve both been wonderful friends for so many more reasons than that, too.

So, I’m a bit anxious to talk with him about my site and blog. I hope that he will contact me sometime after he has taken a look at it. If I don’t hear from him, I’ll give him a call in a week or so. For some reason, I would really like to talk with him about it.

This is a big step for me. I have only told one of my old friends. My darn ego makes me feel nervous about it – like I’m afraid they’ll judge me and not want to be close with me anymore (abandonment), or that they’ll look down on me or think I’m an awful person. It’s human nature to be scared of these things. But, an enlightened person pushes through the fear to do what is right for them in their heart. Last night before I left the house, I made sure to put some business cards in my purse. I knew in my heart I wanted to give him one. And, so I did.

Cute site I had to share!

You know I'm a dog lover. But, if I weren't allergic to cats, I would be an old cat-lady! This site is just so cute!

The Daily Kitten.

On Suicide . . .

Let’s talk about it.

It’s depressing. It’s horrifying.

But, it happens. We need to talk about it. I realize that this post is a bit meandering. But, as happens sometimes, I just want to write out all my thoughts, as meandering as they may be. I hope you can get something out of it, too.

I’ve been listening to the CD of Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl, and he talks about suicide a lot, so I've been thinking about it a lot (plus, it seems to be occurring in our little community quite a bit lately). He blames it mostly on what he calls the “existential vacuum” which is the lack of an identifiable purpose in life, having no clear reason to live. It is a cross-cultural and age-independent experience and problem. It’s not that an individual’s circumstances are so obviously horrific or unbearable. Rather, it’s that there is just no clear reason to continue on.

This vacuum can happen to rich and poor alike; to people who seemingly have everything in the world – just no purpose. It happens a lot to parents after their children are grown and have moved away. It happens to older people after their spouse passes away. It happens to people who finally achieve a long-standing dream. This is what happened to me after I finished college. My big childhood dream was to get into a good college. After that was done, I had no idea what to do next, and I feel into a depression.

This explanation doesn’t explain my sister, Leslie’s suicide 3 years ago. She had a purpose and big dreams that were very important to her. She had a little sister in the Big Brother/Big Sister program, who was just the light of her life. They had been together for quite a few years. She also loved her job of a makeup artist – it was her creative passion and her profession (the perfect match). She had concrete and developing plans for one day creating a non-profit organization dedicated to helping poor women to get on their feet and get out in the world and get a career. Leslie would never admit it, but our mother was her inspiration. It was very hard for our mom to go out and get a job when she barely had a tooth left in her head. She had no professional clothes except a few that were about 20 years old, and she certainly couldn’t afford any new ones when buying gasoline and food and paying bills were weekly challenges. Her car was a broken down rust-bucket that couldn’t be relied on to get her to a job, forget about the interview. Her glasses were broken and her winter coat was ripped. It’s no wonder she couldn’t get up the nerve to get out in the world and “just get a job” like I was always pleading with her and yelling at her about. (I believe this is all part of the reason my mom gave up so easily when she was hospitalized before her death. She seemed quite ready and willing to go.)

But, Leslie had other problems. She had binge eating disorder, and she had lupus. Her lupus gave her bad arthritis which made her makeup work painful. She would get really bad hives from exposure to the sun, while the beach had always been her refuge and favorite place in the world. She was always battling infections and exhaustion and arthritis pain.

I can’t say exactly why Leslie decided death was better. But, I appreciate that her chronic conditions were definitely a daily challenge for her. And, this really pains me to say it, but I feel that she was more angry than sad when she died. Her note had an angry edge to it. I think she believed she was doing the ultimate act of revenge against those who hurt her, like our parents who did a terrible job raising us and her biological mom who put her up for adoption to end up with such a crazy and messed up family as mine. I can’t analyze it any more than that. I may be completely wrong, and I hope I am, but that is how I feel about it. That makes me so sad. I know how powerfully self-destructive anger can be. It’s bad enough to think about her in so much pain that suicide seemed like the best solution. But, it’s really sad to think of her suffering that depth of unrelenting and inconsolable rage. Perhaps she had to work up a rage to give her the final courage to take those pills. I don’t know. I’ve said it many times before – my rage caused me infinitely more pain than my bulimia ever did.

Let’s look at Jeremy. Most of you know a bit about him. He talks about suicide regularly, and many of us fear the worst. I believe Frankl’s existential vacuum applies to him completely. Jeremy has tried to find meaning. The book he has been wanting to write about his life has provided him with some sense of purpose. He appears optimistic and dedicated when he senses support for this goal. And, he gets depressed and suicidal when his goal is challenged or threatened. I can see why Jeremy is a bit lost. He spent his childhood in treatment centers. I bet he learned in childhood that his purpose and goal was simply to get better – to become “normal.” I can’t see how any other dreams or talents could have been encouraged or fostered in that environment. His sickness is all he knows of himself. That’s what all the adults saw in him. That’s what they related to in him. If I were him, I would be very angry and resentful. I would also be incredibly fearful because I wouldn’t know myself underneath all that.

And, then there is the boredom. Frankl says that chronic boredom has caused more depression and suicidal thoughts than any life-threatening life circumstance. He says that as the world modernizes and less time is required for work, depression continues to climb. That goes against expectations that as leisure time increases, happiness would increase. As leisure time increases, in fact, man’s sense of purposelessness has increased, and so too, then, has depression. It seems there is some of this playing out for Jeremy.

I’ve spoken with Jeremy a few times on the phone, and you know what really strikes me above all else? His sense of humor. He is incredibly clever and funny. It’s a very dry sense of humor, of course. And, it could easily freak out someone who doesn’t understand his lifestyle – which you and I do to some extent. But, that makes it even funnier. In my humble, ignorant opinion, I wish Jeremy would write his story with all that dry, obnoxious, horrifying humor that is in him. THAT would be a real seller. I see his ability to find things to laugh at in his world as a huge strength. But, of course, only Jeremy can decide how to interpret and live his life.

What is the cure then? Every human will have to find his/her own path to a sense of purpose, since we’re all very different and our paths are so different. But, he does say that suffering does give life a lot of meaning. He seems to say that the ones who have suffered the most may actually have the most to live for. I know that for me, my suffering has given me the purpose (and skills and experience) of helping others to rise above their own pain and desperation – or at least to give some comfort. I want to give comfort to as many humans and animals as I possibly can. I feel joy when I can make a stranger smile, when I can say a kind word to a stranger, when I can help out a stranger. Why strangers rather than friends? Because I never know what pain a stranger may be in. I never know what desperate situation he/she may be struggling through. I never know if my smile may be the only gesture of kindness –of connection- he/she may have experienced all day. I never know if that man I help out is in as much pain as our dear Jeremy. And, don’t you just wish everyone Jeremy comes across could be kind and gentle and generous with him?

The key thing Frankl keeps coming back to is that if an individual can find a “why” to live, he can endure almost any “how.” Maybe someone’s purpose is to create art or music or literature. Perhaps it’s to help children or animals or others in need – even if it’s just the strangers we encounter each day. Perhaps it’s simply to live as good a life as possible – to keep one’s thoughts and words and actions in line with one’s deepest values. It doesn’t have to be a big or grand purpose, it has merely to be enough.

As long as there is free will, there will be suicides. The best we can do as a society is to foster each child’s talents and interests and his/her self-confidence, creativity, and optimism, as well as a sense of wonder and the courage to try, to make mistakes, and at times, to fail. We must teach compassion and forgiveness like I learned at the late (but not too late) age of 34, so that regret and resentment don’t eat away at a child’s soul. This child would have the inner strength to endure the challenges and pain we find in life sometimes. This child would have the instinct to seek out and create his own fulfillment – not just pleasure. This child would thrive.

Busy weekend

Yesterday from 7:30 am (yikes - still can't believe I got up that early!) to 11:30 am, I was at the Area Toastmasters contest. It was a good time. I got there early, so I volunteered to run the registration desk. Everyone works so hard to create a good experience for everyone else, I felt proud to be part of the organization. The speech contestant from my club won second place and the evaluation contestant from my club won first place (yeah!). He will go on to compete at the next level. And, I'll be there routing him on.

I sat out in the sun in the afternoon after that, and we went to a dinner and movie last night. Do NOT see "The Wind that Shakes the Barley." It was the most boring movie either of us has ever seen.

Today, I volunteered all day at the Best Friends huge annual pet adoption in Burbank. I was there with my friend, Rande's organization, Karma Rescue. I walked dogs, filled water bowls, and talked with potential adoptive parents. It was tiring, but I feel great. Every dog I walked got a full body scratch. I handed out a TON of treats, and spent time with as many different dogs as I could. I feel I made a little difference in their lives.

We got a lot of adoption applications. Rande and her more regular volunteers will follow up and do "home checks," and by next week, we'll have a final tally of how successful the day was.

Now, it's time for dinner (pasta and salad). And, then a movie and bed (I'm looking forward to that!). I'll get caught up on emails this week.

I hope you all had a great weekend, too.

I lost the contest *sigh*

So, we just had our club Toastmasters contest, and I lost. I’m a little pouty, but I’m also very relieved, and I’m happy that the guy who won really is the one who should go on to the Area contest on Saturday. His speech was inspirational but it was also funny, which is always appreciated by audiences. Even I voted for him. He needs to do some hard work before Saturday - reorganizing, rewriting and LOTs of preparation. But, I'm happy to have him represent us in the contest. His speech is exactly what the judges like.

Plus, I had a complete melt-down in the beginning and forgot my entire introduction. I haven’t blanked that badly in a long time - not even on Tuesday when I did the longer version of the same speech for the first time at a different club full of strangers.

Oh well. I’m really happy I went for it, though. And, I’m really happy I finished 2 big Toastmaster milestones this week, and I won’t have to write another speech for a LONG time!

I’ll be getting caught up on your emails and stuff this weekend. I hope you’re all doing well.

"The Secret of Happiness"

So, this is my speech I’m giving tomorrow night and Thursday afternoon. My assignment was to do an inspirational speech. I really didn’t want to come off too preachy or teachy. But, of course, I really do want to teach this stuff, so it was hard. You’ve heard all this stuff from me before. But, it’ll be the first time for these Toastmasters groups. I left out the bulimia stuff. People have so many misconceptions about EDs; I really didn’t want everyone to think, “wow, with all that crap in her past, how could she be so overly concerned about her WEIGHT?!” I don’t have time in this 8-10 minute speech to explain it. So, here it is . . .

Helen Keller once wrote, “Happiness cannot come from without. It must come from within. It is not what we see and touch or that which others do for us which makes us happy; it is that which we think and feel and do.”

Happiness. What every human strives for but few actually achieve. Believe it or not, I’ve found the secret of happiness. And, I want to share it with you.

“Happiness describes as a pleasant and peaceful feeling that results from 1) the way we choose to interpret the world around us, and 2) our subsequent thoughts and actions that we choose in response to those interpretations.”

The secret is how we choose and interpret. We can choose to interpret a situation as an impossible and exhausting problem, and we’ll end up feeling anxious, resentful or sad.   Or, we can choose to interpret the same situation with optimism that there may be some good or opportunity for us hidden in it. And, we’ll feel creative and powerful and energized – we’ll feel good.

My goal today is to encourage and empower all of you to become better at choosing and interpreting, better at creating happiness. I’m going to share with you 6 powerful practices of happy people that you can emulate.

But first, I want to explore for a minute the thinking and beliefs of a very unhappy person: me.

Except for the last 2 years of my life, I was miserably, desperately unhappy almost all the time.

I grew up in an unstable and chaotic home. I learned very young to always expect the worst. This helped to lessen disappointment and shock. I learned that comfort and security are fleeting. I learned that life is tough and dangerous, and there’s no one you can really depend on.

Consequently, my whole life was like a persistent low-grade panic attack, with some full blown panic attacks thrown in for fun. My thoughts were always a mess of chaos and confusion, making every little decision torturous. I had uncontrollable and unpredictable anger. I was always depressed and wracked with self-doubt, self-disgust and even self-hate. I felt that if I made one mistake, I would end up helpless and hopeless. And, if I ended up in that place, I might as well just cash it all in.

That’s what my sister chose to do. She had been taught the same things about life that I had been, has seen things the same way I had. And, just after her 34^th birthday, 3 years ago, she committed suicide. I spent the next year in incredible pain, confusion and anger.

On her birthday that next year, I made a decision that I didn’t want to end up like my sister. I wanted to get some help.

I hired a personal coach whose mission was to help me to unlearn all my bad beliefs and help me to learn how to interpret the world in a more rational, reasonable way. It took a lot of time and a lot of hard work, but gradually I learned that I could choose to be happy by choosing how I interpreted the world around me.   I’ve continued to learn and practice and grow. And, I get more consistently and deeply happy every single day.

And, that is the secret I’m here to share with you all. Let’s talk now about what I found to be the most powerful practices for creating happiness:

1) Responsibility. Responsibility for learning how to create your own happiness. So, my parents didn’t do so well at teaching me life skills. At some point, I had to pick up where they left off in my education. Contentment, forget about happiness, wasn’t going to suddenly just happen for me. I had to reach out and learn how to create it.

2) Optimism. Optimism fosters creative thinking which is so important in solving life’s challenges. Pessimism and worry suck the creativity right out of a person, leaving them stuck. If I work hard to first find the potential good or opportunity hidden in a challenge, I can solve it much easier. And, solving problems without huge drama or pain makes me braver and wiser and gives me confidence I can handle whatever comes along. And, this alone gave me my first taste of real security in this world.

3) Compassion. Learning compassion was the most powerful tool for me in calming my rage. Sometimes I have to get really creative (using optimism) in finding compassion for people who I feel have hurt me or others. But, now I almost never get upset or take it personally when someone isn’t nice to me. I accept it as reflection of their own inner turmoil. And, I know first hand how mean people suffer inside.

4) Forgiveness. This was the hardest lesson for me by far. I fought my coach when he said I would need to forgive my parents. I blamed them for my sister’s suicide. How could I possibly forgive them?! But, slowly, my newly learned compassion enabled me to see that they did the best they could while suffering inside just as badly as I had been. How could I hate them when I felt so sad for them? Forgiveness was my greatest breakthrough in my growth and my happiness.

5) Gratitude. I learned that, for my own good, I had to focus on and be grateful for all the good and wonderful things my parents taught me and gave to me. I focus on the times my sister was happy and having fun. I count every tiny little blessing I can find every day. You simply can’t be sad or mad when you’re practicing gratitude. Try it and prove it to yourself.

6) Giving. Giving to the world makes people feel needed and valued. It gives us a reason to get out of bed every morning. It gives us a real, tangible reason to love and respect ourselves. And, you can’t be happy unless you love yourself.

Simple as they seem, these 6 practices had to be taught to me. And, they transformed my life. I want to leave you with one more inspiration.

Many people judge the personal pursuit of happiness to be selfish, particularly when there is so much suffering in the world. But what does a happy person contribute to the world? Optimism, energy, creativity, kindness, love. And, those will go far to ease the pain in the world. Happiness is a virtue. It is a gift to the world, in addition to ourselves.

This is your challenge. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for your family, your friends, the strangers you interact with each day. Your happiness is very much needed in this world. So, please, commit to it, learn it, do it.

Working on my last big speech

I'm basically spending all this weekend working on my last big speech for Toastmasters (at least for awhile - I need a break from writing these things!). I've been procrastinating and getting false starts on this for months now. But, I finally committed, so there's no getting out of it now. Next Saturday (St. Patrick's day, by the way, for all my fellow Irishmen & women!) is the Area's contest for best Speaker and Evaluator. I'm delivering my speech first for a different club on Tuesday night for their Evaluator's contest. Then, I will deliver the same speech for my club on Thursday in our Speech contest. The winners in all these contests will go on to the Area contest next week.

Yes, I'm going to enter myself into the contest. It's kinda cool. There are higher and higher levels of competition for speakers: the club, the area, the division, the district, and on up. Since Toastmasters is a huge International organization, the contest culminates in the awarding of the best Toastmaster speaker in the world! The contests are held all around the world.

My goal right now is to just do as good a job as possible on Tuesday. Then, I'll focus on Thursday, and if I win that, THEN I'll focus on Saturday.

Todd & I are sitting out in the sun today cuz it's gorgeous out! He's reading a book; I'm practicing my speech. What I would really prefer to do is mix up a mango margarita and kick back, but I have a goal, and I'm going to keep working on it.

By the way, we saw The Host last night and had a great time. It's a super fun, funny AND scary movie I recommend for all of you.

What is Happiness to me?

First of all, keep in mind that all of the things I list below were taught to me in the last 2 years by my coach as well as out of books and CDs that I listen to during my hour commute every day. I have tested them well and slowly incorporated them into my every day – my every moment (once again, I’m not 100% consistent in this, but I get better all the time).

• Acceptance and nonattachment: I don’t “need” things to go the way I would prefer them to go. Everything and everyone changes. I’ve accepted that, and I am increasingly flexible and creative in response.

• Non-judgment and allowing: I don’t waste my time and energy trying to interpret others’ words and actions. They are free to do as they wish. I don’t let others affect my state of mind. I allow others to be and do as they want. I’m not threatened when we aren’t in agreement.

• Gratitude: I count every little blessing I can find in my life. Even if it’s just noticing the incredibly blue color of the sky. That is a gift, and I am thankful for it.

• Kindness and compassion: When I can make another personal smile or laugh or feel glad or if I can help an animal in need, I feel a little light glow deep inside me. I try to send out kindness and understanding no matter what anyone may choose to send back (!).

• Writing my blog: Feeling like I’m giving someone out there some hope, some new ideas, some comfort brings me lasting happiness and peace inside. Blogging gives me my sense of purpose in life.

• Courage to honor my values: Even though it can be very scary to do what I know is right and important for me to have self-respect, I take a deep breath and push through the fear (of course, you’ll have to first learn what exactly your values are. They may not be what you think they are or what you think they “should” be).

• Optimism and Creativity: When I can use my creativity to spin a challenge around so it’s not so scary or anger-inducing or hurtful as my first interpretation, I feel powerful and happy.

• Forgiveness: When I can honestly say, “I forgive” to myself or to anyone who has hurt me, that little light inside glows so bright, I usually end up crying in gratitude and blessing and, yes, even joy. Forgiveness is probably the most powerful change you can make on your journey to create happiness.

• Learning to enjoy solitude and quiet: Again, I don’t “need” to have people around me. It’s a comforting feeling to not be dependent on others. I no longer have to impress them, be anxious about pleasing them, or entertain them. I can just be me.

• Floating around the pool by myself while reading, writing, just observing or contemplating the world around me. OK, this might fall into the “pleasures” category, but it gives me a peace and contentment that lasts so long, I wanted to include it as a “happiness-inducer.” Do you have a hobby you enjoy doing by yourself like this?

I’m sure there are others, but these are the ones that come to mind as I sit here contemplating what really makes me happy inside. Notice that all 5 of the words on my bracelets appear on the list.

Remember, I had to put in effort to learn these things, and I’ve been working on them for two years now. It takes study, practice, more study, and more practice. But, all along the way, you are rewarded for your efforts in increasing happiness, self-respect, self-trust, that inner glow of unconditional love, as well as contentment, peace, and, yes, RECOVERY.

Can't email today . . .

Someone brought in their kid's left-over Valentine's Day candy, and I've eaten way too many Nerds and Tootsie Pops to focus on any meaningful emails to you all. I just love pure sugar candy like this, so I kinda just let loose! My brain is mush. I will try to answer everyone's personal emails tomorrow.

Happiness vs. Pleasure

After so many people commented about how "happy" Todd and I look in this photo, I realized we have to talk about this. Yeah, we look like we're having fun and enjoying ourselves. But, I'm not sure if happiness can really be captured in a photo.

Look back at this old photo album: B. Michelle Hope with pics from 2001 through January of 2005. You might say that I look very happy in these pictures - I'm smiling and engaged in some fun activity. But, in each of these pics, internally, I was miserable and would go on to binge and purge as soon as the fun ended. In the later pics, I was working on recovery, but I certainly wasn't there. I don't have any photos of the time when I was really in recovery, because I was single and hung out alone almost the whole time.

I used to spend every weekend (all weekend) with my ex-boyfriend and usually had a fun time. But, every Monday evening, the plan was set in stone: go to the grocery store and stock up, go home to my room, turn on the TV, get in bed, and eat. And eat. Until I couldn't eat any more. Then, you know what. And, then, if there was anything left, get back in bed and start eating again. Is that happiness?

As I read and learn about spiritual living, I've seen "happiness" get differentiated from pleasure again and again.

• Pleasure is circumstantial and fleeting
• Happiness is a description of one's internal state of affairs. It's completely independent of circumstances and is relatively permanent.

You all know this but probably haven't thought about it much.

You can have extreme pleasure doing fun stuff with friends. You can feel overwhelmed with pleasure when spending time with that special romantic someone. You can feel great pleasure when you get a promotion, go on vacation, do your absolutely favorite thing in the whole world.

And, then you go home and binge & purge for hours. And, all you can think about is how miserably unhappy you are. Pleasure can be intense and powerful, but it’s fleeting. Happiness is an internal, unconditional state of being.

Spiritual writers and teachers often cite many of the problems in our world (the US, at least) as a direct result of our constant “need” for pleasure . . . over-consumption and materialism (buying stuff and services to entertain ourselves), drug, alcohol and food abuse, astronomical personal debt levels, industrial pollution, full landfills, even depression, despair, and hopelessness.

Spiritual teachers say only once we stop seeking external pleasures and turn our focus inward will we finally learn to be happy and our social ills begin to abate. I believe that many (most, in the US?) people need to be taught how to create happiness for themselves. It’s like we’ve been taught that pleasure = happiness for so many generations now that we’re all clueless.

Now that I’ve learned how to create unconditional happiness for myself (still not consistently, but I’m working on it!), I can promise you – no amount or type of fun will ever beat it. I can stare at a wall by myself with nothing else to do and feel completely at peace and happy. Is it fun? No, not really. But, it’s an incredible feeling to be aware of real happiness, and I wouldn’t trade that for anything. I would honestly give up a lot of pleasure to maintain my happiness: vacations, movies, dinners out, parties, even my weekends visiting Todd at his friends' Malibu beach house every summer. I know you know inside that this stuff doesn’t bring any lasting happiness, but it’s probably a habit or 2+2=5 belief that keeps you feeling like you “need” fun and pleasure in your life.

My suggestions for you?

1.       Become mindful of all the ways you seek out pleasure. Do you think these will make you happy or lead to change? They won’t. You may just end up disappointed, frustrated, or confused. I wouldn’t stop seeking pleasures – they give life an added sparkle and excitement that we should all be thankful for. But, keep them in perspective for what they are and appreciate that you don’t “need” them.

2.       Become aware if you’re one of those people who “needs” to line up pleasure after pleasure. Why are you doing this? To fool yourself into believing you’re happy? To keep yourself busy and occupied so you can forget for awhile just how unhappy you are? Do you believe that fun and pleasure ARE happiness?

3.       Be hyper aware when you begin to think about what will make you happy. It will not be another person or even a pet (and, boy, my little Maxi makes me feel sometimes like my heart is going to explode with love and joy). These can bring intense pleasure, but they won’t change your internal state of affairs. Only you can do that.

4.       Admit to yourself that you don’t know how to create happiness for yourself. If you keep up the attitude that you DO know, you’ll never seek out new information, and you’ll never change. So, admit it, accept it, and then pick up a book and begin to learn.

5.       Get reading about how to create real happiness for yourself. Here are some particularly good books for that:

a.       Wayne W. Dyer: 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace

b.       Don Miguel Ruiz: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

c.       Dalai Lama: The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living

d.       Eckhart Tolle: Practicing the Power of Now: Essential Teachings, Meditations, and Exercises from The Power of Now

6.       Don’t feel guilty about your quest for personal happiness (as long as you don’t mistake fun for happiness). Be proud! Spiritual leaders, Buddhists, even the Dalai Lama all say one very important purpose of life is to be happy. And, they all spend considerable time and energy trying to teach us how. Happy people have lots of extra love and energy to spread around, and that’s good for everyone. Happiness is a virtue.

In my next post, I’m going to share what happiness means to me and what makes me feel the most internally happy.

My new bracelets are here!

Yay! I finally got my new bracelets from my jeweler yesterday! I love them. They are brown leather with embossed text. These are very subtle and pretty to wear, but they have very powerful words on them. I went with a few different words from the original bracelets. The first words were very important to me in recovery. Since recovery, however, I find the new words have even more power for me:

Gratitude, Forgiveness, Courage, Acceptance, Kindness.

Below are (very) short descriptions of what these new words mean to me and to the life I want for myself and the person I want to be. These descriptions don’t do the words justice. I really should do a separate post for each one . . .

Gratitude: Gratitude for all the wondrous, big and tiny blessings in our life. Our lives aren't perfect, as we judge they "should" be, but they are filled to overflowing with beauty and new days and possibility and miracles, if only we lift up our eyes and look.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness for ourselves for mistakes we've made and will make in the future. We aren't perfect and don't need to be. Once we learn forgiveness for ourselves, we will be able to forgive all others who have hurt us, since only people who are hurting inside can hurt others.

Acceptance: Acceptance of our true selves and that our deepest wants and needs are worthwhile and valid, so that we can unconditionally trust our hearts to lead us to peace. Acceptance & non-judgment of all others exactly as they are, without expecting them to conform to our judgment of what is good and right.

Courage: Courage to accept fear and push through it anyway. Fear is usually at the heart of all our problems and self-defeating, automatic reactions. As we learn to trust ourselves, we'll gain more courage that we are capable and creative enough to handle whatever change and challenges come along in life.

Kindness: Kindness for ourselves and all living creatures. We act and respond consistently with compassion, patience, encouragement, and tenderness no matter what. This is how we wish others to treat us, so this is how we treat them, no matter what, bottom line.

Added more countries . . .

Check out: Countries of my other readers for more readers I've just found (thanks to Gu who showed me how to zoom in!).

Update on anti-anxiety weaning

It'll be 2 weeks tomorrow since I cut down from 20 mg Citalopram (generic Celexa) to 10 mg, and I'm doing great. For some reason, I've actually been better than before I cut down. I've got more energy, and I've been calmer and happier. Maybe because I'm so excited to be done with this part of my life? Who knows.

I can't cut down to 5 mg cuz I'm already cutting 20 mg pills in half. So, it's going to have be 10 mg to 0 mg in a few weeks or so. I asked my doctor to prescribe me 10 mg pills (that I could cut in half when I was ready) to help me wean, but she wouldn't unless I went in to see her (for a $15 co-pay and time off work). I said I wasn't interested. My doctor is just a medical doctor; she has no training as far as I know in medications or issues like this. Plus, I've weaned myself off meds several times before, so I'm hardly worried I'm going to freak out or something. What could she do for me except give me the damn Rx?! Once again, I suspect it's just for liability sakes. And, I'm not wasting my time or money to cover her ass.

Sorry to be so jaded about that . . .

Anyway, things are going well. I even did a good chunk of my taxes yesterday. They've gotten much more complicated because of my investments this year, but I still really want to do them myself. Todd thinks I should hire a professional. But, I really want to be able to do them myself, even if it takes a long time. Only once did I have a professional do them, and that was because I got a free coupon from H&R block when I first went to college. He has offered to look them over for me, though, and compare them to his professionally done ones. Hopefully, we'll catch any mistakes doing that.

I've also got a couple really tough emails from you guys that I need to get to. Boy, sometimes your emails really get me in the gut. But, I'll get to them, I promise.

I hope you’re all doing very well. Love, me.

P.S. I am in no way encouraging any of you to stop or to not even start taking medication like Celexa or whatever you find works for you. I have been so incredibly grateful to it for helping make my life a little easier. After a tough life, I think we all deserve to have things a little easier! So, take good care of yourself and explore taking meds or switching meds if you find they help you, too. I've been recovered for about 2 years now, and I am only now ready to begin taking on the challenges of life without the help. And, remember, if your medicine makes you tired or apathetic, it's not the right one for you. Try a different one.

On pleasing others & resentment

Two nights ago when I was in bed and on the verge of sleep, Todd snuggled up real close to me and got comfy and seemed to settle in for the night. At first this made me very happy. But, then it got warmer and warmer and I felt more and more constricted, and soon I was wide awake and very aware of my physical discomfort.

While I was debating with myself about what to do about it, he began to shift and move. In my head, I was pleading, "please, please move over!" Sure enough, he rolled over and went right to sleep. I, on the other hand, rather than feeling relieved, was left lying there with red flags flying and alarm bells going off in my head. This is a problem I had before recovery - this shouldn't be happening now!

Rather than take care of my discomfort by simply asking him to move over cuz I need more room (duh!), I allowed my old irrational fears to really complicate this simple (even silly) situation. Below I've listed some of the crappy, chaotic thoughts whirling around my head. Yes, they sound ridiculous now, but I took them quite seriously at the time:

·       I "should" be thankful my boyfriend wants to snuggle. Most women would love this. I shouldn't complain.

·       What if I ask him to move over, and he interprets it like I never want to snuggle?!

·       What if he gets frustrated or hurt or even mad at me?

·       What tone should I take when I ask him to move over? Should I joke about it? Should I just be nice and sweet? Should I explain the problem? Should I just get up, even though I'm exhausted and cold, and go to the bathroom, hoping he'll move over while I'm gone?

·       It's not soooo hot and uncomfortable . . . I should just deal with it.

You see how a simple, stupid little problem can get some people all jacked up? This is the kind of mental chaos, confusion, and obsession that bulimics turn to food and purging to quiet. It's the chaos that we can't allow to even BEGIN if we don't want to turn inevitably and compulsively to food . . . but, how do we stop it?

You might say I'm just sweet and concerned about the well-being of my loved ones. You might say I'm generous. You might say I have a deep-rooted fear of abandonment. You might say I don't value myself as highly as I do my boyfriend. All of these to some extent and on occasion are true. But, whatever reasons are behind my worries, the fact is that the problem remains. It is bothersome to me that 1) it wasn't immediately obvious to me that I needed to take some kind of action to alleviate my physical discomfort, such as simply asking him to move over, and 2) if he hadn't rolled over when he did and if I had continued to over-think the problem, there could have been some disastrous consequences. I could have:

·       become physically as well as mentally stressed,

·       continued to lie awake obsessing about what to do,

and perhaps the most destructive of all:

·       I could have become resentful of Todd because I was worrying so much about his well-being while he was completely comfy and sleeping like a baby.

The potential for becoming resentful is probably the #1 reason why we have to stop valuing others over ourselves, or worrying about others more than ourselves, or whatever it is that makes us do these stupid things. We have to take care of ourselves before we take care of anyone else. And, we have to love ourselves and respect ourselves enough to do this consistently, even in seemingly insignificant situations like I've just described.

If you become resentful, you punish others for your own choice to put them ahead of you. Can you see now why it's such a gift to take care of yourself first?? Then, our loved ones don’t have to worry all the time that:

1.     they are making us uncomfortable,

2.     they are asking too much of us,

3.     we are mad at or upset with them,

4.     we are sad or disappointed cuz they aren't meeting our needs or taking care of us,

5.     we will take out our frustration on them (in anger, obnoxiousness, or passive aggression) or on ourselves (in depression, physical illness, or making self-destructive choices).

It's an incredibly "safe," comfortable, serene, even joyful feeling knowing that we both can be completely honest about what we want and need. We take action to meet our own needs, and we openly ask for help (or space) when we need it. So, I'm working on being able to do this much more consistently.

Once we've taken care of our own needs, we have so much more to give others - more energy, more attention and focus, more dedication, more love.

My automatic response in my little situation should have been to notice my discomfort and just said, "please move over, honey, I need more room" without a second thought or concern or even opening my sleeping eyes, for that matter. Of course, then I wouldn't have a post for you today . . . ;-)

This is one of those lessons you won't believe until you try it out, and prove it to yourself - see how you feel after you put yourself first when your instinct says not to. Our instinct to put others first, for whatever reasons, is held deep down, and it's very sneaky. I'm 2 years "recovered," and it still wreaks havoc with my mind occasionally if I'm not careful. Remember: learning and insight can happen pretty quickly, but long lasting change takes a lot of time, trial and error, awareness, and reflection.

Countries of my other readers

As long as I'm recognizing various countries, I can't forget my regular readers. I've been looking for them on the Cluster map down at the bottom of the left hand nav bar. You know who you are!

Here is Croatia. I think I can see my Croatian friend on the Cluster map (I really wish we could zoom in on that map!). **Update: Gu taught me that you CAN zoom in once - just click on the area you want to zoom in on.**

I also think I can see my old friend from Turkey. Here is a map of Turkey:

 

My friend from Colombia lives here:

I have at least one reader-friend from New Zealand off the south-west coast of Australia:

I see my friend from Singapore:

I also see readers from South Korea and Japan, but I haven't "met" them personally yet. Why don't you drop a note and say hello?

I see my friends in Canada and Germany and England and all over Europe. Where are you all from?

You can use this link to find the location of any country on the world map. Just replace "japan" in the link with any country you're looking for. This is a great site - use it to explore this huge (but getting smaller every day) world.

Update: now that I can zoom, I see what looks like a reader in Iran! Of course, it could have been a mistake, but it definitely looks like someone from Iran visited my site. I would love to meet someone from Iran. If it's you, please drop a note to say hello.

 

I see a couple people in South Africa:

And, someone in Egypt!

One reader from Bulgaria! I got an email from her, so I know she's out there. On the cluster map, it looks like she's in Romania, though.

First reader from Saudi Arabia

Today I met my first reader from Saudi Arabia. He is actually a life coach working to help a new client suffering with bulimia (among other problems, I'm sure). I wish him and his client all the best in this life changing (and life-beginning) endeavor.

Since I'm hearing from people from so far away, I decided to add this cool little widget that maps my readers all over the world. It's down at the bottom of the left hand navigation panel. It's only been recording for a couple days, though. I don't see this man from Saudi Arabia on it yet. But, I see my reader from Pakistan. How cool! I'm going to get much better at my geography with this.

My first reader from Pakistan

This weekend I heard from a very kind, loving and worried man from Pakistan (I’ve included a map below – although I don’t know exactly where this man is from). He told me his wife has been suffering from bulimia for 5 years now. And, it sounds like they're both pretty desperate.

It just kills me when I hear from people from places so different from the US. Sometimes I like to think that bulimia is just a western problem with all our commercialism, our worship of media stars, our vanity, our insane competition to always be ahead of or "better than" our neighbors. But, then every once in a while I hear from people from so far away, and I'm reminded that it's not at all limited to our culture. Bulimia and other eating disorders (not to mention all kinds of addictions and self-destructive coping mechanisms, such as the hikikomori in Eastern cultures) are a world-wide problem. I’m sure as the world gets increasingly connected with media and Internet, it's only going to get worse. The US will be exporting it's messed up values (hopefully some of our good values, too??) all around the world.

As life gets increasingly complex for everyone, we're all going to need to have extremely strong coping abilities – an internal ability to stay calm in chaos, an ability to not need to control everything, an ability to calmly accept change and new ideas and beliefs and practices without feeling threatened, an ability to discern between the changes that could be good for us (which we may accept in our lives) and those that are not inline with our beliefs and values (which we quietly and non-judgmentally allow to pass by). The more I learn about it, the more it seems that the non-religious aspects of Buddhism are really needed about now!

I know that people can adapt, and we will. Maybe all our addictions are just growing pains. And, someday, more teachers will step up and say, “We can learn how to deal with all this change. We can grow to deal with this. Let’s come together, work together, and try our best to love and support each other as we learn – we’re all in this together.” And, maybe someday we will learn these things as children, and we will grow up without all the fear and doubt and chaos that will inevitably lead any unprepared human being to seek out some external source of comfort and calm.

To everyone out there suffering, including family and friends, I am SOO sorry for your pain and confusion and despair. I send you my love, my empathy, and my tears, as well as my optimism, my encouragement, and all my energy to help you through this. You are my brothers and sisters in this battle. Even though you may be from Pakistan, Croatia, Turkey, Spain, Columbia, Germany, Mars, etc . . . we have shared so much together. We know each other quite well. In many ways, we know each other better than some of our families know us -certainly better than our politicians, our militaries, our religious leaders. And, this struggle makes one thing clear for us, at least – life is precious, our health is precious, our friends and families we all are precious, and nothing else in the world is nearly as important as this.

Tonight I'm volunteering for "In Defense of Animals"

I'm going to spend this afternoon and evening volunteering for a benefit & fund-raising concert for In Defense of Animals in Hollywood. Paula Abdul is hosting, which is pretty cool. But, other than her, the only other person I've ever heard of at this "star-studded" event is Deborah Gibson - and, she was probably before the time of many of you guys!

But, I'm excited to be giving my time again. I've become very protective of my time since I now have you and my family that are my priorities. I donate money to my 2 favorite charities: Karma Rescue (the woman who helped me find my dog, Maxi) and Best Friends Animal Sanctuary. But, I don't give my time anymore. That's too bad, however, cuz working with these groups and their animals directly is SO emotionally fulfilling - and, at the same time, really sad.

So, I'm happy to be doing something to help out the cause. It doesn't hurt that it's a three day weekend, of course. I'll still have plenty of time to do my own stuff.

Tomorrow, we're taking the babies to the beach in Malibu. Except for the really over-crowded and far away "dog beaches," only in Malibu can you really get away with having your dogs run free on the beach. Hopefully, we'll be able to park in the gated lot at the house the guys rent every summer, cuz last time Todd parked on the PCH (Pacific Coast Highway) to go to the beach to surf, his car got broken into.

On Monday, I would really like to buckle down and write my last speech for Toastmasters. I've had a very tough time cuz I want it to be really inspiring and motivating and be very instructive. I think the title is going to be something like, "The Secret of Happiness." I will share 3 lessons I've learned through recovery that have been so important to my wellbeing, self-pride, and joy:

1) Gratitude: you just can't be upset when you're counting all your blessings. I'll also share how to be creative in finding even more wonderful blessings that you take for granted and how to give up your relentless attachment to your judgment of how things SHOULD be.

2) Compassion: if you interpret the world with compassion, kindness, and empathy, you really can't get mad at anything. You may not LIKE the choices that others make, but you stop judging, comparing, and being jealous and you begin to allow and accept others just as they are.

3) Giving of yourself: when you share your gifts (talents, money, time, energy) with others, you gain a sense of value, importance, and making an impact on the world. You gain self-respect, see first hand just how needed you are, and you reinforce your appreciation of just how great your life really is.

I have to keep the speech to 8-10 minutes, and I'll have to shorten it to 5-7 if I use it to compete in the upcoming International Speech Contest (which I'm currently considering), so I need to keep it really short & to the point. It certainly can't be all-encompassing. I'll also tell them a story about myself - how I used to be so angry and self-absorbed and self-destructive and panicky before I learned these (and many, many more) lessons.

Actually, I might just go outside right now and work on this. It's a gorgeous day, and all my best writing has been done outside. This is an old photo of me in my favorite place: on a raft in the pool doing some good reading and writing. I do my best thinking when I'm floating around out there. Where is your favorite place?

Today is my year & a half anniversary with Todd!

OK, maybe we're just looking for something to celebrate, but I'm ok with that! We're celebrating today just like it was any other anniversary. We're going out tonight to a really nice restaurant, Grace. Tomorrow, we're celebrating Valentine's Day, too. We'll be cooking at home for that one, though. It's so hard to go out to dinner on Valentine's Day cuz EVERYONE is going out and cuz all the good restaurants serve only an expensive "fixed price" menu.

It's kinda funny (?) that our anniversary is also the day I begin weaning myself off my anti-anxiety meds, Citalopram/Celexa, that I've relied on and trusted for about 5 years now. The new lower dose pills came in the mail yesterday. This time, I really know I'm ready. How do I know? Cuz I've accepted that I won't be perfect, I will be challenged, and I know now that Todd won't leave me and people won't be horrified and abandon me because I'm not perfectly calm and patient and wonderful all the time. As, Laurel Mellin always says, “You don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!”

Hell, I haven't been "perfect" while ON the pills! I've still gotten down. I still took time off from my blog in December and January while I was pouty about my sister. I still occasionally interpret my commute as a race and competition that seems to communicate with others my value as a human being (crazy, huh?!). I still had a little girly freak-out on Super Bowl Sunday cuz I wasn't happy with my outfit and my hair and had both Todd & my other roommate, Michelle, running around trying to calm me down and find me a suitable outfit! It’s OK. We all laughed later, and the world didn’t end cuz we were late to the party. I’m only human.

Because it makes me feel good about myself and just generally happy, I will continue to work on getting better at my patience, calmness, compassionate interpretation of everyone around me, allowance of others (and myself) to be themselves, my gratitude, my optimism, my appreciation of all the beauty in the world. My goal for myself is total enlightenment – think Gandhi or Mother Teresa. Yes, that’s a stretch for a mere mortal with a (very) late start, but I really like having them as role models. And, I enjoy having a goal and something really good and positive to reach for.

I’ll keep you all posted. Happy early Valentine’s Day everyone. Give yourself a kiss, a big bear hug, and some extra love tomorrow, ok?