Real Recovery from Bulimia & Binge Eating

New blog written by the sister of a bulimic . . .

I am very pleased to introduce you all to a new blog that I hope will be very enlightening for us and a place of support and sharing for our families: My Sister Has Bulimia.

The author, a woman I am looking forward to getting to know much better, writes:

Part of the reason I started this blog was to just get my emotions out. I think it can pretty easy to throw them back aggressively and hurtfully when you're being pelleted with them. That's what I used to do earlier on with my sister's e.d, and obviously it got us no where. I really just want to provide a "place" where family members (especially siblings) can go and discuss, empathize, provide support for each other and know that they're not alone. I want the readers to know that the feelings of frustration, helplessness and confusion are valid but that it doesn't have to be a negative experience or process. In fact, in my experience, it's taught me about myself, and I've become increasingly aware of my actions, my words and my general philosophy of life.

I'm actually really looking forward to reading her perspective. I hope she writes a lot!

Tons of free ED articles at Gürze.com

The full list is here.

Be sure to check out these specialty topics:

            For Families

            Eating Disorders in Youth

Eating Disorders in Males

Recovery Tips

Treatment

A few tips for parents

I got an email from 2 very worried parents. Apparently, they just found out that their 25 year old son is bulimic and has been for at least a few months. They are desperate for advice on what to do. I realized that, while I get emails quite often from friends, significant others, and siblings of people struggling with bulimia, but I don't often hear from parents. Only once did a father write to me.

I first directed them to my **Tips for Friends & Family**, but I realized that my posts there don't have anything written specifically for parents, so I’m copying some of my email to this couple here for other parents who come here looking for help. If there is anything you would like YOUR parents to read and understand about YOU, please consider writing it in the comments.

“Dear Parents,

I know you must feel horrified and terrified and confused and probably pretty helpless. I so wish I could just take your son, shake him up good and hard, and give him back to you completely "normal." But, of course, it's not that easy. Plus, he's 25 and an adult. He probably doesn't even live at home, does he?

One thing you need to do right now is put aside any guilt or worry that this is your fault. While I’m sure you’ve not been perfect parents, rest assured there ARE NO PERFECT PARENTS. Take time to really comprehend the selfish, money-driven world your son grew up in, where everyone is working very hard to manipulate him into thinking he absolutely NEEDS to buy whatever they’re selling. It can really screw with a young mind. Read this old post on the toxic education we get from every aspect of society – make sure to read the wonderful comments the post generated, too. You see, even “perfect” parents have the rest of the world to fight when raising a child. It’s one of the (millions of) reasons I have chosen not to take on the huge task of trying to raise a child of my own. Worrying about what you may have done "wrong" or getting trapped in regret will do no one any good. You need to leave the past behind and focus on what you can do now to help your son.

My first advice to you is to read my whole blog – from the bottom to the top (all my posts are actually shown on that first page). You may begin to recognize similarities between myself and him and see how I learned to handle things in ways that allow me to be optimistic about life, less fearful, truly happy, and no longer ADDICTED TO FOOD. Really, we are ALL the same in many ways, although we may come from very different backgrounds. We have all somehow learned to interpret the world in very irrational and fearful ways; we have about zero self-trust to rely on to get us through the fear and confusion; and, we have learned that food is a great way to calm ourselves enough so we can simply function through the fear and chaos and go on.

There is one thing I know for sure that you can do to help your son. Support him in learning to think and interpret the world in more optimistic, more self-trusting ways. Get him (and you and your family) reading - not about bulimia - but about living with mindfulness, gratitude, acceptance, optimism, courage, kindness, etc.:

*Wayne W. Dyer: 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace
*Denis Waitley: Seeds Of Greatness
*Don Miguel Ruiz: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
*James Allen: As a Man Thinketh (you can actually download this for free directly from my blog)
*Deepak Chopra: The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams

I know that reading on these topics may sound unrelated or even foolish when you're worried about your son's life. But, these books will help him understand and recognize his irrational, self-defeating interpretations of the world that lead to self-defeating choices that lead straight to the food, since food is the best way he knows of to stop the chaos and confusion in his head. As he learns more optimistic, self-empowering, RATIONAL, ways to interpret the world, the world gets less frightening, menacing, and confusing. He will slowly lose the NEED to calm himself through food. These books hold the lessons that set me free after 14 years of severe bulimia and a lifetime of other symptoms like depression, uncontrollable rage, persistent anxiety and panic attacks. By the way, does your son have other symptoms like these? They ALL will fade away as he learns and actively applies the lessons in books like the above. That's what happened to me.

Another idea for you to look into is this web site for "parents of eating disordered children:" Maudsley Parents. The Maudsley approach has apparently had some success with younger anorexics, although I've not heard of success with bulimics at all. But, I would feel remiss if I didn't at least mention it to you. There is a parents' forum where perhaps you could find other parents of bulimics. But, please remember that anorexia and bulimia are VERY different. I am well aware that I don't know anything about anorexia or how best to treat it.

Please suggest to him that he come read my blog, too, and reach out to our little online community of fighters. I have tried really hard to share for free on my blog everything I learned from my expensive coach. The only things missing are 1) accountability for doing the work like doing the reading, putting the new knowledge into action, and reflecting on the positive changes that come about from doing things differently (this reflection gives positive feedback that encourages us to keep taking risks in doing things differently), and 2) instant feedback when his decisions start going astray from his new knowledge and he is going back to making self-defeating choices (it can be very difficult, especially at the beginning of the journey to identify self-defeating choices since they're so habitual and automatic). For these reasons, you may want to consider hiring a personal coach for him. But, you should consult with me first since my coach has decades of successful experience while new, unproven coaches are a dime a dozen these days.

Your son is very young and has a full, wonderful life ahead of him, even if it takes many years to get his head straight. Luckily, bulimia doesn’t do nearly the physical damage that anorexia does. Most of us who recover often actually credit our illness with making us much better people in the long run - we are more sensitive, more thankful, more joyful, more actively and intimately involved with life.

You need to trust me when I say that the bulimia is helping your son to survive right now because he doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to cope with life in any better, healthier way. Without the calming, mind-clearing, and somewhat mood-lifting effects of it, your son might not even be able to get out of bed and function at all. But, this “solution” is not sustainable nor is it reflective or supportive of the wonderful, strong, courageous, creative, and truly powerful person your son really is underneath his fear and confusion. He’s got to learn how to tap into that and trust it. So, get him (if you can) and you and your wife started on reading and learning today.”

** EDIT: I would also like to recommend the blog, "Eating With Your Anorexic" and the book, "Eating With Your Anorexic," both written by Laura Collins, a parent of an anorexic child. Her writing intriques me since I have no idea what it must be like for the parents of children with anorexa. I'm going to get some books for parents of bulimics and let you know what I find.

More tips for friends & family

I got another email from a very good friend of a bulimic. He’s completely beside himself, not knowing how to act or what to say. He thinks he’s making one mistake after the other with her. I’ve compiled some of what I wrote to him here:

First of all, you should read this post: Tips for friends & family of bulimics. It gives some of the more obvious (to me, anyway) things you should consider.

I feel really badly for you, because, as you already seem to understand, there isn't much you can do to help. And, I'm sure it must be very painful to be aware of everything and yet be helpless to do anything about it.

Even if you are very careful with what you say, how you look at her, and how you act around her, you can never be sure how she's feeling inside. She may feel and react very irrationally. You should understand that much of her thoughts are irrational and chaotic. That's what makes bulimia so appealing - the physical acts of over-eating and purging are extremely calming. I don't know why, but it's like a drug. It quiets the chaos and irrationality, and enables the bulimic to rest and to eventually figure out the next step. I, personally, couldn't make any significant decisions or take on any important tasks without first binging and throwing up.

One thing to keep clear in your own head - her irrational thoughts are not reflective of some deeper mental illness or anything. Generally, her mind is a mess because for every decision she has to make, she thinks of 20 different options and why each one is the "right" one. Then, she'll obsess about it - she'll hear in her head all the arguments for each one, and she'll end up paralyzed with fear about making the wrong choice.

She never learned how to trust herself to 1) know which of the 20 options is best for her, and 2) be OK knowing that her choice doesn't have to be perfect - she will be just fine and happy no matter the outcome, as long as she followed her heart in making the choice.

As soon as I was taught (by my professional, personal coach) to dig deep and listen to my heart (not my fearful, judgmental and critical head), I began to trust myself and the chaos began to dissipate. Soon, I no longer needed the bulimia to calm myself - I just didn't get all messed up in the first place. Keep in mind that the stuff she needs to learn may be very obvious to you, but she was never taught it. You can relatively easily make choices and be ok with them and move on. You'll have to be patient with her.

Regarding your question, yes, it is a call for help from her. BUT, there is nothing you can do to help her. SHE has to make the decision to get help and then do all the work required for recovery. And, for an active bulimic, that is a very scary thought. We don't believe that 1) we can live without it, and 2) life would be worth living without it. We don't understand at that point that we CAN LEARN how to NOT NEED a coping mechanism, how to remain calm and peaceful inside with no need to numb ourselves, how to live life in a way that isn't difficult or horrifying, how to trust ourselves to make the right decisions for us.

Mike, you can't hold yourself accountable to her. You can never know what she really wants from you. At times, she'll wish you would bring it up and talk with her about it. At other times, she'll wish you would just act like you never knew. You are almost surely going to be "wrong" at any one time. My only suggestion is to get her some of the books and/or CDs I recommend on my blog or in that "Tips for friends & family of bulimics" post. If she listens to an iPod, you can get digital copies of many of my selections at Audible.com. But, get her LEARNING. She will never find her own way out without some education, OK? Getting education is crucial. But, that's all you can do.

Changing environments, such as asking her to move in with you or something, won't do a thing. Oftentimes, change just makes things worse. Bulimics have a very hard time with uncertainty (hence her having difficulties with spontaneity) cuz they don't trust that they'll be able to deal with new situations. It really all comes down to a severe lack of self-trust. Plus, consider that they get an almost panic-driven compulsion to binge & purge in situations that are tense, uncertain, frightening, or at all uncomfortable, and it's no wonder they're afraid to go far from home. When they get in that panic, it's the worst feeling in the world, and the only thing that stops it is throwing up.

A couple other points:

1) She doesn't like herself, so it's no wonder she expects that others like your father won't like her either . . .

2) The statistics ARE terrible for recovery. But, here I am, totally recovered and much more healthy than many people who never had an illness like bulimia. I don't much like many current treatment methodologies, but working with my coach was like a miracle. And, it didn't take long for me to grow away from bulimia completely. That's why I do my blog. I'm trying to teach everything I learned and share it for free. If I didn't have this blog, I could walk away from my past with bulimia like it never happened at all. It can be done.

If I were you, I would let her know that you will always be there for her in any way. BUT, you cannot read her mind about her moods and what she might want/need from you at any one time. You need her to give you a sign when she wants to talk. Perhaps you can come up with an agreed upon signal, like she makes you each a cup of tea, or she asks you to go for a walk or something. Then, you can talk freely about it. At all other times, you should treat her like she's completely normal (except for asking her out for pizza or ice cream or something like that!). This arrangement is exactly what *I* would have wanted. But, of course, we're all different.

Tips for friends & family of bulimics

This post originally was an email sent to a reader who didn’t know how to handle it when her good friend confided in her that she has been bulimic for the last 10 years. After sending off the email, I realized that there are probably many other friends and family of bulimics who are in the same boat. So, I am sharing her email and my response with you here. I can only share my own experiences and what I’ve learned from others’ blogs and comments and emails, but perhaps there is enough here to at least get you started. If you have any other questions or comments, please share them here in the comments section. I would like this to be a very helpful, comforting, and encouraging area for all friends, family, and partners of bulimics and binge eaters.

Her email:

I have a good friend who just recently confessed to me that she had been bulimic for 10 years. She's tall and slender, but she looks pretty average and you would never guess she has a problem. She told me she's already gone to doctors and only her family knows and there is nothing anyone can do to change it because it's who she is and will always be. I don't want to accept that, but as a friend, I chose not to press her about it. As a friend... should I? She told me she just wanted me to know in case I ever wondered why she ate so much and stayed thin or stayed in the bathroom for so long, but I can't help but think she's reaching out for help. She was very persistent in telling me that she doesn't want my help and that I should just accept it. My main question is, how has she gone so long and not have any real medical problems other than the fact that when she doesn't make herself sick, she gets sick anyway? I'm just very worried about her yours is the only site I found that I could contact an actual person with experience (which I appreciate by the way). I'm not even positive what my question is because I don't want to bring it up with her again because after ten years, it's almost like there is no hope. Is that true?

My response:

Hello friend, I would like to share with you my own experience and my opinion:

1) Most bulimics aren't too skinny. Many of us are overweight. Not many of us are also anorexic, so don't confuse the two. I remember being embarrassed to tell my doctors and shrinks that I was bulimic since, obviously by my weight, I was not very GOOD at it! She was probably feeling extremely self-conscious when she told you, worrying that you looked at her and figured she was full of crap cuz she wasn't stick-thin. Bulimics die not because they're too skinny but because they've screwed up their blood chemistry and their hearts just stop.

2) I told my sister about my bulimia for similar reasons as your friend. My sister always struggled with her weight, and I was always thin, although I ate crazy amounts of food. It made me feel so guilty. I knew I was only adding to her despair and self-hatred. I told her just so she wouldn't feel so bad.

3) When I told her, I didn't want any intervention from her. In fact, I didn't want to even talk about it again (or so I thought at the time). I really just wanted her to know so she wouldn't compare my experience against hers.

4) I found that when we didn't talk about it later, it made me feel more shame. I hadn't expected that at all. I felt like our not speaking it again just confirmed how horrible and embarrassing my bulimia was - like it really was a dirty secret that needed to be kept hidden and forgotten. When suddenly, she brought it up gently and asked sincerely how I was doing with it, I felt profound relief. And, she and I ended up talking a bit about it every once in awhile over the years. Not too often, just enough for me to know that I had a confidante and that she was concerned, but that she totally accepted me and loved me anyway. I think she really understood just how much of an addiction it was - perhaps because she, too, had serious issues with eating. She didn't judge me; she didn't try to change me or tell me what to do (she knew there was nothing she could do); she stayed sensitive to what I might want or need in relation to food. But, of course, my sister was exceptionally good at putting others first - that's probably one of the contributing factors leading to her suicide.

5) You are completely right to disagree that bulimia is just part of who she is and that she will always be bulimic. I, too, believed with all my heart that I would be bulimic forever. I, too, believed it was just a part of who I was and would always be. I felt I NEEDED my bulimia to cope with life. Actually, I would argue that with her current skills, knowledge, and messed up beliefs about herself and the world, she really DOES need it to cope. Life really is extremely difficult for people who need a coping mechanism like she does. Arguing and pushing her will not help. At this point, she has no idea that she can learn to live without a coping mechanism of any kind, that she can learn to not NEED a coping mechanism of any kind.

6) You should know that pushing her to go into traditional "treatment" likely won't help at all. Very few people really recover after going through inpatient treatment. In fact, I haven't heard of one yet! I believe it's because most traditional treatment approaches focus on the behavior - not the reasons why the behavior is so alluring to addicts. I recovered relatively quickly with the help of a professional life coach because he didn't care about my coping mechanism - he just wanted me to learn to live so that I didn't need one. He was a teacher and, with lots of homework and dedication to his lessons, I passed his "class" with an A+ . . . no more rage, depression, persistent anxiety, panic, or bulimia to deal with it all.

7) If I were you, I would begin to give her resources so that she can begin to learn on her own. Check out my list of books on my site. Below are the better ones to start with.

*Wayne W. Dyer: 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace (short and to the point)

*Don Miguel Ruiz: The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom (short and to the point)

*Ph.D. Joseph Santoro: The Angry Heart: Overcoming Borderline and Addictive Disorders: An Interactive Self-Help Guide (not short, but the first book I read that made me think I really could get well)

*My own eBook, Guide to Real Recovery from Bulimia (very short and to the point), in which I summarize all the most critical life lessons I never knew, or had all wrong, before I went through coaching to recover.

Also, download the FREE "As A Man Thinketh" , print it, and give it to her. If she has a commute to work, you should get her CD versions of the books I recommend. Bulimics tend to have very short attention spans. If she can just push "play" and listen, she's much more likely to finish the book and learn its lessons. She first needs some inspiration to believe she might actually be able to learn how to be happy and secure and at peace. So, start with the short ones. With a little inspiration, she may just set off on her own journey of learning and exploring.

8) Other than these tips, just remember, this is her life and her journey. No one can change her except for her. There are lots of resources out there for her (I hope my blog can be considered one of them), but she has to do the work. And, she won't do the work unless she believes in her heart that there's even a chance she can learn to live without the incessant urge to turn to her addiction just to get out of bed some mornings. Try your best to love her, accept her, and be gentle and compassionate with her. If you're really motivated, try reading some of the books I've recommended for yourself. They will give you an idea of the very basic life skills and healthy, rational beliefs about herself, life and living that she just doesn't have.

Thank you for your great question. I am going to post this email on my blog to help others just like you who have dear friends and family struggling with this beast. You are a great friend to seek out people like me to talk to - you want to understand, not just to give your uneducated opinions about what she should do. She could learn a lot from you, I believe.

I would love to hear how you've been doing. Please write again anytime.

With love and gratitude,

Michelle